Orange Is the New Black, Season 1

Larry Bloom:
[about Piper] I mean, she told me how she traveled after college. But she failed to mention the lesbian lover who ran an international drug smuggling ring. Imagine my surprise.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
Look at you, blondie. What'd you do?

Piper Chapman:
Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you're not supposed to ask that.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
You read that? What, you studied for prison?

Sam Healy:
[to Piper] No one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. This isn't Oz. Women fight with gossip and rumors.

Yoga Jones:
Do you know what a mandala is?

Piper Chapman:
Um, those are those round Buddhist art things.

Yoga Jones:
The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand, laid out into big, beautiful designs. And when they're done, after days or weeks of work they wipe it all away.

Piper Chapman:
Wow. That's, that's a lot.

Yoga Jones:
Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. You have to remember that. It's all temporary.

Larry Bloom:
This is all just an adventure, with liver and Yoga Jones and, and, and racism.

Lorna Morello:
We should've warned you about Red.

Piper Chapman:
Well, I just didn't expect to be punished while I was getting punished.

Daya Diaz:
What's the matter, you don't wanna hit me again?

Aleida Diaz:
From here on out, this place will hit you for me.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Might not look like it, but there's rules in this place. The most important of which is, the second you're perceived as weak, you already are.

Rosa "Miss Rosa" Cisneros:
Thank God I got cancer. No one fucks with cancer.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
And the penguin goes, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded"!

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
[on Sophia] Cyborg pussy. Bet it's fucking perfect.

Piper Chapman:
I'm not your wife.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
I threw my pie for you.

Sam Healy:
Lesbians can be very dangerous. It's the testosterone.

Piper Chapman:
What are you doing?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
It's an art piece representing the futility of blue collar labor in a technological age. And vaginas.

Piper Chapman:
In the morning when I wake up, there are these few seconds before I realize where I am. And then I do realize, and I can't breathe. And I want to cry and throw shit and kill myself. When does that end?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
I'll let you know.

Piper Chapman:
Is SHU really that bad?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
It's just like the Hamptons, only fucking horrible.

Alex Vause:
Piper loves tequila. What? Afraid I'll tell them the pork chop story?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
Now this is fucking weird. I have a pork chop story, too. You go first.

Piper Chapman:
I have been here for less than two weeks. I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift. And now, you.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
You and that Pope's bitch are running the place.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
I like to think of myself as more of the Pope's homie.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
God's angry that there's an abomination in the church, and if we don't get rid of "it," it's just gonna keep on happening.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
All right, you listen to me. You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right? Jesus Christ, how did you survive infancy?

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
My auntie helped my mama--

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is?

Sophia Burset:
You knew? This whole time?

Sister Janes Ingalls:
I figured it out when you thought Stations of the Cross meant Christian radio.

Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson:
So there I am, topless, sitting on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site. So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "What the fuck? Again?" And then I look down and I see there's this dude down on the ground with his head by, like, the tire. And when I look closer, I see that the dude is wearing my shirt, barbeque sauce all over his face, and he's dead. That's when I knew it was time to make a change. Thank you.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
Almost the exact same thing happened to me, but it was tuna salad.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Those Spanish probably won't even eat her, just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious. All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev.

Joe Caputo:
Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, but how do we know for sure that it came out of here?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
No such fucking word as 'knifes'.

Lorna Morello:
No? Then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story? I'll tell you. He knifes him.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Well, aren't you the plot spoiler.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
You can only vote within your race or your group. Just pretend it's the 1950s. It makes it easier to understand.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Chapman is a Judas Iscariot cozied on up to the High Priest Healy. And he throws out my vote. My votes that were bestowed upon me from my Lord and gives her all the silver?!

Alex Vause:
So in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ?

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
I've been betrayed.

Piper Chapman:
Are you planning a vacation?

Sam Healy:
If I were, it would be somewhere you drink rum out of a mini volcano.

Poussey Washington:
We are all just in here because we took the wrong turn going to church.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
I don't do that shit.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
This shit, that shit, blue shit, bat shit, it doesn't matter what you do. It's the doing that makes you dirty.

Alex Vause:
So Wanda Bell? You might remember her as the blood-sucking dragon cunt? She works up front, eats souls for fun?

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
Nobody else gets through this gate? No suspicious delivery guy? No shady-looking mook in a fucking tampon truck?

Eliqua Maxwell:
There's creepy linens dude, and the dry goods lady, the vegetable people… sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it? The vegetable people? Like a giant celery serial killer carrying a machete, or broccoli lighting shit up with a flame thrower… who's a smoothie now, bitches?

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
… and you're not invited because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus!

Alex Vause:
There's a bus? Are all the seats already taken by Appalacian meth-heads?

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
No Thanksgiving suicides! Chapman, what are we not to do on this day of thanks?

Piper Chapman:
Commit suicide?

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
Exactly.

Piper Chapman:
Wake up, Healy! Girls like me? We don't fuck ignorant, pretentious old men with weird lesbian obsessions. We go for tall, hot girls, and we fucking love it. So that leaves you on the outside, living your sad, sad little life.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
You never stay focused on a member of the opposite sex for too long. That's how I watch every Russell Crowe movie.

Joe Caputo:
Christ, he's probably got the Obamas on the phone by now.

Piper Chapman:
What's your name again?

Dina:
Dina.

Piper Chapman:
Dina. That's a pretty name. You know, I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my prison bitch, I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my house mouse, that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection. That I'm gonna do to you what the spring does with the cherry trees, but in a prison way. Pablo Neruda. But why bother? You're too tough, right? Yeah, I know how easy it is to convince yourself you're something that you're not. You could do that on the outside. You can just keep moving. Keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are. But you're weak.

Dina:
Back the fuck off me.

Piper Chapman:
I'm like you, Dina. I'm weak, too. I can't get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain? Or is it because I'm some evil fuck-monster? I don't know. But I do know, I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself. And now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying. And I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am. Other people aren't the scariest part of prison, Dina, it's coming face-to-face with who you really are. Because once you're behind these walls, there's nowhere to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here, Dina. And it's the truth that's gonna make you her bitch.

Poussey Washington:
Man. You're cold.

Piper Chapman:
Bitches gots to learn.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
There used to be a sign that said 'CAUTION! WET FLOOR! Really told people what was going on.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
Can I ask you one more question?

Piper Chapman:
Yeah, of course.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
How come everyone calls me 'Crazy Eyes'?

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
They think I'm so tall my feelings don't get hurt.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt. And I like to clean things. Pretend the dirt is the feelings. This floor is my mind. That is called coping. And the COs don't care 'cause they like things clean. And that is called symbiosis.

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
I used to grow marijuana out in California, Humboldt County. One acre, nothing crazy. Just enough to keep me going.

Janae Watson:
Goin', like, baked?

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
Like, pay the rent. I mean, I smoked it once in a while. But mostly I was just a good old-fashioned drunk, like my parents raised me to be.

Janae Watson:
So the Feds shut you down.

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
Actually, it was the deer.

Janae Watson:
The who, now?

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
Oh, yeah, deer love weed. [chuckles] Fucks them right up, too. They start jumping around all over the place. Then they come back for more. And the kicker is, you can't keep them out. I tried everything. Soap shavings, fox pee, which they sell at the Home Depot for $120 a gallon.

Janae Watson:
Seems like you could have just built a fence.

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
No, a deer can jump an eight-foot barb wire fence with a smile on its face, like Donald O'Connor.

Janae Watson:
Get to the meat already.

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
I got a hunting rifle and stayed up all night, four, five times a week. And finally, one night I see them rustling around the edge of my property, where I was growing the quality shit, this hybrid plant called AK-47, which the fake prescription people eat up like peanuts. I was pissed.

Janae Watson:
And drunk?

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
Oh, honey, that goes without saying.

Janae Watson:
So what happened?

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
I shot him.

Janae Watson:
And?

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
And it wasn't a deer. It was an eight-year-old kid from the farm next door who was running away from home because his dad took away his Nintendo. A kid.

Janae Watson:
Shit.

Erica "Yoga" Jones:
And they buried him on their property, in a box.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me. A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it. What do you believe in?

Piper Chapman:
Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out. But you know, if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist. Which is not to say I'm not spiritual -

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop. You believe in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat at restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
She disrespected me. Now I'm gonna have to kill her.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
[to Red] None of this is how it's supposed to go. You're tougher than woodpecker lips. You'll be okay.

Sam Healy:
Another holiday. Can you believe this?

Natalie "Fig" Figueroa:
I can, because I have eyes. And a calendar. Healy, if you ever call an inmate's family again with your lesbian witch hunt shit, I will destroy you, your mail order bride will leave you, and you will never work again. Get some fucking therapy, man.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
[to Chapman] You're the devil, and I'm the angel of God. I mean, look at my dress!