Phineas and Ferb, Season 1

[First lines of the series]

Phineas:
So, Ferb, what do you want to do today? [Ferb shrugs] How about Perry? What does he want to do? [Perry makes a noise] Well, he is a platypus, they don't do much. I, for one, am starting to get bored, and boredom is something of up with which I will not put! The first thing they're going to ask us when we get back to school is "what did we do over summer?" I mean, no school for three months; our lives should be a rollercoaster! And I mean a good rollercoaster, not like that one we rode at the state fair. [a flashback is shown of Phineas and Ferb riding a rollercoaster that consists of one short drop]

State Fair Employee:
Please exit to the left. [flashback ends]

Phineas:
Man, that was lame! Why, if I built a rollercoaster I would... that's it! I know what we're going to do today!

Mom:
Phineas, Ferb, I'm going to go pick up a few things, you boys stay out of trouble, okay?

Phineas:
Okay, Mom. [Mom leaves] We're gonna build a rollercoaster!

Isabella:
[with hearts in her eyes] Hey, Phineas.

Phineas:
Hey, Isabella.

Isabella:
Whatcha doin'?

Phineas:
Building a roller coaster.

Phineas:
Some of it.

Isabella:
Wow! Isn't that kinda impossible?

Phineas:
Some might say.

Radio announcer:
And speaking of hot, slather on the sunscreen, listeners, 'cause tomorrow's weather calls for another scorcher!

Ferb:
[referring to lawn gnomes scattered though air as part of Doofenshmirtz's plot] With a slight chance of scattered lawn gnomes.

Phineas:
If we let a little heat stop us from having the best day ever, then the morning DJ's win.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
And now Perry the Platypus, you will finally understand my pain. Back in Gimmelschtump in the days of my youth, the Doofenshmirtzes were a proud family. But those were lean times for my father, and our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. Who would protect our ancient garden from witches, spells, and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it will be me. While the other children played kick the schumptel and ate doonkelberries, I would stand for hours. All through the cold night, as the spitzenhounds howled... My only companion was the moon. And my neighbor Kenny. So, since my lawn gnome was taken from me, I will destroy every lawn gnome in the entire Tri-State Area!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz's father:
[said to Dr. Doofenshmirtz as a lawn gnome] Bewegen Sie nicht! [English: Don't move!]

Surfing Contest Announcer:
Let's go to the judges. Ten to the fifth power, infinity, and oh! It seems that Phineas Flynn's radical surfing has made judge number three re-think Einstein's Theory of Relativity! Cowabunga & take THAT laws of nature!

Candace:
Phineas and Ferb built a beach in the backyard, just like they said they were going to. But instead of just a cute little beach in their sandbox, it turned out to be this absolutely HUGE beach, with a coastline, and palm trees and a pier, and hula dancers, waterskiers, and tiki huts and dolphins and dancing and surfing, and everybody from the neighborhood showed up. ...and then I was just about to share a smoothie with Jeremy when a coconut dropped on my head... ...and just for a moment, it seemed the wily Buford would steal away the coveted surfing trophy from under the noses of our heroes... ...but I can only continue my benign reign and spread love, happiness and ultimate popularity throughout my kingdom! If you would just let me have MY moment.

Phineas:
I say bow chika bow wow- [points to Candace] Candace! [the spotlight hits Candace]

Candace:
[silent for a few seconds] Wait a minute! [turns to Phineas] What are you doing?!

Phineas:
I'm cuing you?

Candace:
How did you get a hit single?

Phineas':
Well it wasn't easy. It took most of the morning and half a dozen phone calls. But if you're willing to put in the work-

Candace:
That's it! I'm gonna tell mom.

Phineas:
Okay, tell her what?

[The audience still stares at Candace.]

Candace:
Doh! I'm just going to tell! [leaves the stage]

Linda:
Well, a musical act goes to the top of the chart with a catchy tune and meaningless lyrics. Then they throw a big diva tantrum, lose their label, then face obscurity. Before they know it, their song is... elevator music. Years later, they have a reunion concert, and after that, they never sing again, and no one remembers them. [tears up, but quickly wipes away tears] Not that I would know anything about that.

Phineas:
[in a weird accent] Follow-up single?! Who do you think we are, some two-bit hacks who will keep writing you songs simply because you pay us obscene amounts of cash? Phineas and the Ferb-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder. Good day to you, sir. [Going down the elevator and in normal accent] Diva tantrum, check. [listening to the "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" intrumental version] Elevator music, check.

Announcer:
The mall is now closed and will reopen at 9:00 am tomorrow. Thank you for shopping with us.

Isabella:
Okay, girls. We're dealing with a 426 cubic inch, fully-blown V8, with hypo lifters, radical cam and a limited slip differential.

Gretchen:
Would that be electronically fuel-injected?

Candace:
[to Phineas and Ferb] What are you doing to Mom's car?!

Phineas:
We tricked it out!

Phineas:
So, Ferb, what should we do today? I mean, besides giving Perry a bath. [leans over and smells Perry]

[Perry chatters]

Candace:
Phineas! Phineas! PHINEAS!

Racing Fan:
Hey! I can't hear the cars!

Isabella:
That helmet looks so manly.

Phineas:
Thanks.

Linda:
[to Candace] Honey, close your mouth.

Isabella:
Look. My client gets 3% of the gross and a piece of the back end, or he walks. Yeah, that's right. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, buddy!

Candace [to the producer about Phineas and Ferb]:
Wait, wait, don't you think they're a little young to be big-budget movie directors?

Producer:
With 176 million hits, they can be in diapers for all I care.

Phineas:
Okay, Candace. This is a very important scene. It is nothing less than the emotional backbone of the whole film. Oh, and the villagers are coming at you with everything they've got.

Candace:
Phineas, what do you mean the villag...

Phineas:
Action! [Ferb throws miniature bullets at Candace] The Air Force! [Ferb throws miniature planes at Candace] The Space Aramada from the planet Plumbing Supplies! [Ferb throws plumbing supplies at Candace] Beautiful! Thats a Print! [Ginger whispers to Phineas. Phineas removes the lens cap from the camera] Oh, that's a little embarrassing. Okay, people, nice rehearsal, let's take it from the top. [Candace has a very angry look on her face]

Candace:
[wearing a tropical banana hat] Wow! Is this banana hat for some cool tropical dance number?

Phineas:
We're trying to come up with some exciting camera angles for the big chase scene, so we strapped a camera onto this starving monkey.

[The monkey screeches and chases Candace; Candace ends up bruised and disheveled]

Phineas:
[chuckles] Sorry that monkey cam didn't work out. We're gonna try it with Ferb this time. [Ferb has a camera strapped to his head. Phineas hands Candace a sub sandwich] Now take this sandwich and remember, Ferb hasn't eaten lunch yet.

[Ferb screeches and chases Candace]

Phineas:
Okay, Candace, this is your beauty shot. The curse has been lifted, and you're no longer a monster. Now this scene is all about what the heart wants, but the mind can't have.

Phineas:
Enjoy it while it lasts, Candace. Fame is fleeting.

Ferb:
But the Internet is forever.

Phineas:
[to Evander Holyfield ] Aren't you a little old to be a professional boxer?

Evander Holyfield:
Yes, yes I am.

Phineas:
Cool.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Unfortunately, my birthday has always been the lousiest day of the year. It all began on the day of my actual birth. Both of my parents failed to show up.

Referee:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! He's from a broken home. His hobby's breaking bones. Buford the Bullyyy! And in this corner, he's got moves. He's got grace. His nose takes up his entire face. Fabulous Phineeeeeas Flynn!

Referee:
Okay, boys. Let's have a fair and square fight and in no way should this ensuing fight contain the image of a potentially harmful, hurtful, or psychologically disturbing physical act that could be found imitatable by an impressionable child viewer.

Buford:
Aww!

Phineas:
I don't think this is going so well.

Evander Holyfield:
Nonsense, kid! Go for the gold! Fight fire with fire! Ah, shoot. Shoot him the stink eye! Uh, grease the pig! Ah, I got nothing.

Candace:
Mom! Finally, indisputable photographic evidence of dangerous and irresponsible behavior!

Linda:
Candace, this is your thumb in front of the lens.

Buford:
Same thing tomorrow?

Phineas:
Nah, I like to keep moving forward.

Ferb:
Sharks have to continue to move forward, or they'll drown.

Buford:
You callin' me a shark?

[Ferb does a Vulcan nerve pinch and Buford falls over, unconscious]

Phineas:
Ferb!

Ferb:
Well, he was all up in my face.

Computer Voice:
Hub is overheating... Hub is overheating.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
[seeing the magma] The molten lava at the Earth's core completely slipped my mind.

Park Ranger:
[to Phineas and Ferb] Ah... Excuse me, aren't you boys a little young to be restoring a national monument?

Phineas:
Yes, yes we are.

Park Ranger:
Well, it's good to see young people taking an interest in our national heritage!

Candace:
Is it the mall?

Linda:
No.

Candace:
Okay. [beat] But it's the mall, right?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Ah, Perry the Platypus. Your timing is impeccable. And by "impeccable," I mean completely peccable!

Phineas:
Yes! Hey Ferb! [chucks pillow at Ferb's face] It's Candace's Birthday! We gotta do better than last year...

[Flashback to a gorilla coming out of the cake and scaring Candace]

Phineas:
Not our best work.

Ferb:
[about Candace's birthday present] Well, it was definitely better than the gorilla in the cake

Candace:
[when she sees her birthday present] Why, it's... it's... It's beautiful! [sobbing] Mom! Mom!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
I hate to be a stickler, but the lava is coming AGAIN! FASTER!

Phineas:
So this is how it ends, Ferb... defeated by our own dopplegangers. If only we had some sort of device that could stop them from... [Ferb holds up a small remote that makes the Phineandroids and Ferbots work or dance] Heh, heh. I know, I'm just messing with ya.

Stacy:
[talking about the Phineas and Ferb "Summer All the Time Collection"] Well, nice talking to you, Candace, but I gotta run. A store's getting a fresh shipment and I want to get there before they sell out. Oh, and by the way, that Gaston stuff is so 42 seconds ago.

Candace:
You better not pull any of your weird stunts, got it?!

Major Monogram:
The evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz is at it again. Not only does he have 3 books about insects overdue at the library, but he's cornered the market on aluminum siding and he's holed up in his water fortress on Lake Winimahatikihaha. I love saying that.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Ah, Perry the Platypus. As usual, your timing is uncanny. And by uncanny, I mean, completely canny!

Phineas:
Yep, just loop-em them doggies to the long lonesome trail. Ain't this livin'?

Isabella:
Hey Phineas.

Phineas:
Hey Isabella.

Isabella:
Watcha doin'?

Phineas:
We're making S'Winter.

Isabella:
S'Winter?

Ferb:
It's a unique and logic defying amalgam of Winter and Summer.

Phineas:
Why have snow when it's too cold to enjoy it?

Isabella:
You guys are gonna need some help.

Isabella:
[Signal Whistle]

Lawrence:
[about the snow cone machine] Well, you put some ice in here, give it a crank, add some syrup, and Bob's your uncle! Snow cones for everyone.

Candace:
Argh! My brothers are just driving me crazy!

Vanessa:
You should try spending an hour with my dad sometime.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Behold, the Melt-inator 6-5000! It has a melting capacity... of 7! That's on a scale from 1 to 5, so that's a big number.

Buford:
Hey twerp, I brought the props for my act.

Phineas:
Buford, what exactly is your act?

Buford:
I fly into mud, with a paper bag on my head.

Phineas:
[pauses] Okay then.

Buford:
The peeps are gonna love me.

Phineas:
[washing up on the sidewalk outside with Ferb and Candace] Hey Candace, you missed all the fun! Allow me to introduce our mummy.[turning to see only banages] Hey, where's our mummy? Mummy? MUMMY?!?

Mr. Flynn/Dad:
Well, Mummy has supper waiting for us at home. [seeing her look dishevled] Candace, why are you all wet?

Candace:
[growling and grinding her teeth] Grrr!

[all in the car, on the way home]

Ferb:
You know, mummies had their brains pulled out through their nose.

Candace:
[still fuming] The lucky ones!

Phineas:
Look, pith helmets! We must be going the right way. Say something pithy.

Phineas:
Wow. I didn't expect him to be so scary. I mean, can you imagine the angry, twisted soul hidden underneath those bandages? Makes me shudder.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Perry the Platypus. As usual, your timing is incredible. And by incredible, of course, I mean completely credible!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Is my nose really that pointy?

Betty Band Member:
Now you can go clean the toilet.

Candace:
No way! We are not your personal slaves! Right, Stacy?

Stacy:
[cleaning a toilet] Yay, a Betty Bowl Brush!

Phineas:
Ferb, you're usually so focused; how did you get those plans confused?

[Ferb flashes back to the plans shop when Vanessa walked in; from his view, Vanessa is surrounded by flowers and dreamy music plays.]

Vanessa:
Hey, how's it going?

[Back in the present]

Phineas:
Hey Ferb, snap out of it. What happened back there?

Ferb:
I...was weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
... then no one can stop the wraith of Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz!

Vanessa:
Doctor? Since when are you a doctor?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
[shows Vanessa a doctorate certificate with a price tag on it] They don't just give these to anybody you know.

Vanessa:
Anybody with $15, they do...

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
[swipes it away from her] Ok that's enough looking!

Phineas:
Wait a minute, this is a toy factory. How did this chocolate river get here? Who the heck are you guys?

Ba-dink-a-dinks:
We are the Ba-dink-a-dinks!

A ba-dink-a-dink:
You set us free when you remodeled the factory. We'd been trapped in the basement for years, making foam peanuts and snipping the tabs off of plastic.

Ba-dink-a-dinks:
We will now lay waste to the surface dwellers!

Phineas:
...Okay, then. Carry on.

Store manager:
Fantastic! You look like number one!

Candace:
I feel like number two.

Store manager:
That's the spirit!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
[upon seeing Perry] Perry the Platypus, how unexpected! And by unexpected, I really mean unexpected--what are you doing here? This is my week off.

Baljeet:
You may have my underpants. They just got very messy all of a sudden

Phineas:
Vittles is Grandpa-ese for "food."

Candace:
I sure got you guys. You should have seen your faces! Only unsophisticated, immature brains would believe in monsters. Yes, it takes a mature adult such as myself to know that... there's... [sees Dr. Doofenshmirtz running from fake Bigfoots] no... such thing as... G-G-G-BIGFOOT! [runs away screaming; the kids look over and see nothing]

Baljeet:
Well, I do not believe her one bit. Too much overacting.

Buford:
Then I guess I'll just find a nerd and take his underpants.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
That sounded like screaming children. But it's not my birthday.

Dad:
[opening the window after hearing an engine and a loud horn] Oh, hey boys.

Phineas:
Dad, you might want to wipe the queen off your face.

Dad:
Oh, yeah. Thanks... Crickey! A monster truck!

Phineas:
Yeah! Isn't it sweet? It's to help Candace how to parallel park and stuff. We figured if she learned how to drive one of these monsters, she'd have the confidence to drive anything.

Lawrence:
Oh yeah, brilliant, but I'd better check with Mom about this... [calls Linda on his cellphone] Hello honey. Yes, yes. I love you too, darling. Are you aware that the boys have a monster truck in the backyard?

Linda:
[at a cooking class] Honestly, you're as bad as Candace.

Lawrence:
Okay, okay, just checking. [hangs up the phone] It's a go boys! I'll get your sister!

Candace:
Wait a minute! I can still give Mom the one thing the boys can't, the gift of music! Played on my friend: the bass. [Doofenshmirtz's Shrinkspheria shrinks the bass as she begins to play it] Huh, oh well, it's a good thing I play the banjo! [the banjo shrinks] It's a good thing I play the bassoon! [the bassoon shrinks] It's a good thing I play the bugle! [the bugle shrinks] It's a good thing I play the bongos! [the bongos shrink]

Narrator:
Five minutes later...

Candace:
[frantically] It's a good thing I play the balailaka! [the balailaka shrinks] It's a good thing I play the bagpipes! [the bagpipes shrink] I should have manned the omelette station!

Phineas:
Yeah, we're inside Candace's stomach.

Ferb:
That's creepy on so many levels.

Phineas:
She's on a date with Jeremy. That means we're on a date with Jeremy.

Ferb:
Again: creepy on so many levels.

Candace:
[almost crying] Oohhh! I can't believe I am just stuck here. I can't believe I'll never get to get my driver's license or wear my dream dress to the prom. [sitting down and drawing in the mud] But most of all, I can't believe I'll never see Jeremy again. How long are we supposed to just sit here?

Phineas:
I don't know. Ferb and I have decided to use this time as an opportunity to practice patience.

Candace:
[despairingly] Lovely. Well I suppose things can't get any worse. [it starts to rain] Oh look, the world's first bad hair day... [seeing the T-Rex right over them] So Phineas, where's this rescue party you sent for?

Phineas:
Hmm. It occurs to me I may have misspelled "time machine" in the plans.

Ferb:
Well, I hope that's not going to be an issue.

Isabella:
Whatcha doin'?

Phineas:
We're fixing this time machine.

Isabella:
Isn't that kind of impossible?

Phineas:
That's a possibility.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Curse you, Peter the Panda!

Isabella:
[to Phineas] You know, there's an "m" in "Time Machine."

Phineas:
Yeah, sorry.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
[to Perry the Platypus] I promise to hurt you the right way, with cartoonish physical violence and elaborate traps made out of strange things I bought over the internet.

Lawrence:
[rewinds cassette repeatedly] Fossils... da da da. Fossils... da da da. Fossils... da da da. Fossils... da da da. Fossils... da da da. Fossils...

Phineas:
Pardon me, would your name be Swampy, ex-drummer for the band Love Händel?

Sherman:
That, my friend, was a past life. The name's Sherman. Why ya askin'?

Phineas:
Because they're reforming for one night only! It's a celebration of our parents' anniversary.

Sherman:
Well, that sounds charming, boys, but I haven't played drums since the accident. Fell asleep in a metronome factory; when I woke I completely lost my sense of rhythm. I've been hanging out here ever since. [backing a beat with a library stamp and books]

Danny:
Alright boys, let's blow the roof off this place.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
No! It's going to blow the roof off this place!

Ferb:
Don't just stand there! Kiss her!

Phineas:
We beat ya! You're big old purple pickled eggs!

Stacy:
[annoyed] You were out of your tree!

Candace:
[annoyed too] Yes! We were first!

Phineas:
Nuh-uh! We were!

Candace/Stacy:
We were!

Phineas:
We were!

Linda:
Look like you're having fun

Phineas:
Well Mom, you know what they say... [Candace and Stacy hit him with a water balloon]

Ferb:
Fun never falls too far from the treehouse. [gets hit by a water balloon]

Candace:
Maybe my brothers have been replaced with aliens?

Stacy:
Yeah, now they're gonna fatten you up so they can eat ya.

Candace:
[walking past a wall of literal bells and whistles] Wow, look at all the bells and whistles!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Perry the Platypus, you are no match for my pigeons.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
He's escaping! WITH THE POOPINATOR!

Phineas:
The last one home is a big ol' purple pickled egg!

[Ferb makes a clucking sound]

Phineas:
[worried as their robot is about to crash) Hit the crash button!

[Ferb press a button labeled "crash" written on it that encases him and Phineas in a bunch of tires then the robot crashes and the crash strength causes the boys to bounce around]

Grandpa Clyde:
Time for our nature walk to Badbeard Lake.

Phineas:
Why do they call it "Badbeard Lake"?

Grandpa Clyde:
Well, It's a body of fresh water surrounded by land.

Phineas:
No, the "Badbeard" part.

Phineas:
[after explaining the race course] Any questions?

Baljeet:
Yes. Should we not establish the rules first?

Buford:
This is a chariot race. There are no rules!

Isabella:
No rules? Well, if those are the rules.

Phineas:
It's half man, half bull. It's the Minotaur!

Norm:
My name is Norm.

Phineas:
It's Norm the Minotaur!

Candace:
MOM! Look! Look, look, in the backyard. Look! They've done it again.

Linda:
Just let me drop off the groceries.

[We see a giant ferris wheel that the boys built]

Isabella:
This was the best ride ever, guys.

Astronaut:
Oh, that was very fabulous ride. Now can you send us back to space station perhaps?

Alien:
Erimnevop Yelsgnik Nad.

[a ray from nowhere hits the ferris wheel, causing it to roll away]

Candace:
[With her eyes closed] Look, look, look! OK, tell me you don't see a giant, enormous Ferris wheel in the backyard!

Linda:
All right, I don't see a giant, enormous Ferris wheel in the backyard.

Phineas:
Hi, Mom.

Linda:
Hi, kids.

Candace:
"Why don't you come in for snacks?"

Linda:
Why don't you come in for some snacks?

Candace:
"Oh, there you are, Perry."

Phineas:
Oh, there you are, Perry.

Candace:
And Ferb says...

Ferb:
You know, gladiators were Roman, not Greek.

Candace:
[sighs] It's always the same thing every day.

[Phineas and Ferb eat apples in the kitchen]

Candace:
The same insane routine. My life is like a bad sitcom.

Lulu:
Believe me, I know. That's why I created this show. My brothers used to drive me crazy. Let me tell you a story. The story of "bust" and "them." "Bust" fights "them", but "them" fights right back. It's the age-old struggle, but in the end "them" always wins. No, I'm sorry. Wait, "bust" - ha-ha – "Bust" always wins. That's it. Yes, bust them. Ha-ha! The point is, I feel your pain. Mom never believed they were the ones breaking the plates or scratching the records.

Candace:
Well, you know, they must be done by now anyway.

Lulu:
Done with what?

Candace:
I don't know. It's different every day. Come on, I'll show you.

Fifi:
So where is this thing I'm supposed to film? [Candace pointing and Fifi faints]

Candace:
So, what do you think?

Lulu:
I think we finally have our very special episode!

Candace:
"Hi, Mom."

Phineas:
Hi, Mom!

Candace:
"Oh, there you are, Perry."

Phineas:
Oh, there you, Perry.

Candace:
And Ferb says...

Ferb:
And that's why I never wear suspenders in public.

Candace:
"Now for some snacks."

Linda:
Why do you kids come inside for some pie?

Candace:
Yeah, I'll take some pie. Now you can understand my pain. Want some pie?

Candace:
Mom, come on, come on! The boys built a giant roller rink in the back yard! [the rink is turned into a giant loaf of bread] Uhh, giant loaf of bread?

Phineas:
[shrugs] I dunno.

Candace:
Mom! Mom! The boys built a giant loaf of bread in the backyard!

Linda:
What? I thought you said it was a roller rink.

Candace:
It was, but now it's a loaf of bread! Come on, come on! See? :[A flock of magpies eat the loaf]

Linda:
Candace, what are you talking about?

Candace:
B-b-but....

Linda:
Boys, I think she's finally lost it.

Candace:
Well, if they really are doing nothing, I guess I've got some time to go about my personal business. Let's see, what do I usually do? I know! I'll call Stacy and tell her how I'm busting Phineas and Ferb for... Yeah. Can't do that 'cause they're not doing anything. Wait a minute! I know! [runs off and comes back with a camera] I'll put this camera in just the right spot so when Phineas and Ferb are... Ugh! [setting up a rope trap] And then when Phineas and Ferb will bite off... Doh! [putting on lipstick] Well, if there's one thing I know, I'm gonna look so good when I bust them for... Auugh! Face it. You can't do anything unless you're trying to bust them for doing something! And if they're doing nothing, then... who is Candace??

[Doofenshmirtz and Perry fight over the Uglyinator. Suddenly it fires at Doof.]:

Doofenshmirtz:
Oh, no! Now I'm ugly! [realizes he didn't change] Oh? Oh, I get it. Hardy-har-har.

Phineas:
They say if you love something, let it go.

Ferb:
Especially if it is a caveman.

Phineas:
Yeah, especially if it's a caveman.

Isabella:
Hi, Buford...Are you...sweating through your eyes?

Buford:
...NO, I'M JUST CRYING! [sobs]

Perry:
[mouthing a CD recording] Upon an evil winter's heart, the heavy hand of regret infrequently alights. The malevolent path is one trod without the cumbersome shackles of sentimental [the CD begins skipping] introspec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-- [Perry whacks the CD player with the book]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
Hmm, that's funny. I don't remember you saying "spec" so many times. [Perry explodes out of his disguise] Dr. Wexler, you're a platypus? [Perry puts on his hat] Perry the Platypus!?

Mom:
Candace, not this again.

Candace:
But I have proof!

[Mom leaves; Phineas and Ferb enter]

Phineas:
We're gonna pencil her in for 7:30--

Mom:
[from the hallway] Nine!

Phineas:
Make that 9:00.

Candace:
Just wait 'til Mom hears about-- Then again, you guys always seem to make everything disappear before Mom gets home. But if I take the evidence to her at the Bowl-R-Ama, then she'll have to believe me!

[In Candace's fantasy]

Mom:
Oh, Candace! You were right about Phineas and Ferb this whole time. We should've believed you.

Dad:
And just to express how sorry we are, here's my credit card. You have our permission to ruin us financially.

Jeremy:
Candace, that is so cool how you busted your brothers like that! Will you marry me?

[Back in reality]

Phineas:
So you wanna give it a try?

Candace:
I do, Jeremy! I mean, uh... I'd love to give it a try.

Isabella:
Well, Buford that was a great game. [holding out her hand] Come on. Be a good sport.

Buford:
Like I said before, losing to a girl doesn't count. [starts walking away as he gets zapped, turns back calmly] What I meant to say was, I had a wonderful time. I guess you were right. Girls are just as good as boys. Thanks again, Woowho, the F-Games rock. [leaving]

Ferb:
That was completely out of character.

Isabella:
It could be the biggest game in the world and girls still could beats boys

Phineas:
Ferb and I are gonna put on a laser light show. And as a grand finale, we're gonna laser our faces into the comet! That way, when it comes back in 73½ years, we can all show our grandchildren! Oh yeah, my parents are cooking steaks for everyone.

Isabella:
You had me at "our grandchildren".

Phineas:
What?

Isabella:
Steaks! You, you had me at "steaks". [smiles cheesily at Phineas]

Candace:
[talking on the cell phone to Stacy] Focus.

Phineas:
[Stacy hits the golf ball beautifully] What great focus! [a sound comes from the cell phone]

Stacy:
What's that?

Phineas:
Sounds like the crowds going wild.

Candace:
[shows Candace lying sick in bed] AAH! [makes a small airy scream that sounds like the crowd going wild]

Phineas:
Cool! [turns off TV with the remote] I know what we can do today, Ferb. [chuckles while Ferb covers his mouth with his hands] No, not the tongue thing. The teleporter.

Candace:
You guys are so bus – Aah! [trips on a controller, disappears through one teleport, and appears from the other]

Phineas:
Cool. It worked. Candace? Are you OK?

Candace/Perry:
[pointing at her brothers] Wait a second. How you guys get so big? [gasps] And why is my hand green? [takes a pink mirror from a nearby box] AAH! I'M AN UGLY, SMELLY PLATYPUS! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus!

Police Officer:
You guys lost a platypus?

Phineas:
Yep.

Police Officer:
Officer 3323. Tell Charlie we have a 1091P. Yeah, it's a platypus. Looks like a girl. MIA. [at Phineas and Ferb] Don't worry, boys. After a nice lunch at Mr. Slushy Burger, the Tri-State area's finest will be on the job.

Phineas:
By the way, our mom's also missing her earrings.

Police Officer:
Which ones? The dangly topaz or the hoops?

Phineas:
The hoops.

Police Officer:
Oh, that's a shame. We'll get right on it.

Linda:
[To Jeremy] Why don't you watch some TV while you wait? Oh, hey. I've got some great baby movies of Candace. [baby cooing] Oh! There she is in the bathtub. [bubbles gurgle] Oops! Little bubbles.

Candace/Perry:
Mom! Remember what we talked about? My fifth-grade graduation?

Linda:
Fifth-grade graduation? What is she talking about?

Candace/Perry:
Ugh! Just turn off the home movies!

Candace:
[With her eyes closed] See?! see?! It's right there!

Linda:
Oh, my goodness! [At this point, Candace gets a shocked expression on her face] Did you make these?

Phineas:
Uh... yeah.

Linda:
[gasps] These are so much nicer than the ones I lost! [a fly buzzes and gets zapped by Linda's new "earrings"]

Phineas:
Awesome.

Linda:
Thanks, boys. [at Candace, whose jaw has dropped, closing her mouth] Close your mouth, honey. You'll catch flies.

[Candace scowls as Linda walks out]

Reginald:
I may seem like a barmy ol' git now, but when I wasn't so long in the tooth, I had some grand larks and engaged in a fair amount of derring-do.

Phineas:
Translate?

Ferb:
When he was younger, he did a bunch of stuff.

Candace:
PHINEAS! The only way you're building a haunted house in this backyard is over my DEAD BODY!

Phineas:
[in a mad scientist voice] That's the idea! Bwah!

Candace:
That's it, you little psycho. I'm calling Mom! [walks inside, but then pokes her head out the door] And I am NOT using the banana this time!

Phineas:
...You guys heard that, right? It wasn't just me?

Isabella:
[to Candace] I got to spend the whole day being showered with undivided attention from Phineas! It was wonderful.

Candace:
Hiccups?

Random Troubled Man:
Finally, my irrational fear that a giant platypus will see me in my underwear is cured! [The Platypus Monster stomps past his house while the man is in his underwear] ...It's even worse than I thought...

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
No more annoying songs about moons!

Dr. Gevaarlijk:
I do find moon songs annoying. Continue.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:
It only has enough power to fire once, but don't worry [leans on ray gun] I've got it planned out. [fires laser]

[Laser hits a dam; dam floods the river]

Dr. Doofenshmritz:
No more annoying songs about dams?

Dr. Gevaarlijk:
Oh, but I like a good toe-tapping dam song.

Candace:
Oh, this is just out of control. [takes out her cellphone] Mom, Mom!

Mrs. Flynn's voicemail message:
Hi, this is Mom. Leave your psychotic rant about the boys after the beep.

Candace:
Uhhh! Mom, come home, quick! There's a giant mob, I'm a superfiend, I'm roasting them with laser vision, and... hey, what do you mean psychotic rant?!

Isabella:
Hi Phineas!

Buford:
Whacha do- [Isabella hits him] Ow!

Isabella:
[Sweetly] Whacha Doin?

Phineas:
Come into the Phineas and Ferb Studios and we'll show you. :[Everyone but Buford and Isabella enters]

Buford:
Hey Isabella about that Whatcha doin back there-

Isabella:
Upupupup! [miming talking with her hand] We'll talk about it later.

Ferb:
[after Perry accidentally hits a self-destruct button the Rainbowinator] You know, in retrospect, I question the inclusion of a self-destruct button in the first place.

Phineas:
[a butterfly flies into Perry's cone on his head. Perry sneezes] Bless you Perry the Platypus!

Isabella:
Hey Phineas, can I ask you something? Will you go to the dance--

Katie:
'Scuse me, Phineas. Can I get you to sign some liability waivers?

Phineas:
Sure thing! Hold that thought, Isabella.

Isabella:
Sure. No prob.

Isabella:
Hey Phineas. You guys were great!

Phineas:
Thanks. You weren't too bad yourselves.

Isabella:
Oh, [giggle] thanks. So, would you like to go to the Night of the Falling Stars Girls' Choice dance tonight?

Phineas:
Sounds like fun.

Isabella:
Really?

Phineas:
Ferb, what's our schedule like? [Ferb gives a thumbs-up] Okay, we'll be there.

Isabella:
Both of you?

Phineas:
Yeah. Why don't you come by and we'll all walk over together.

Isabella:
Sure. No prob.

[After the sergeant falls over the cliff]

Candace:
Do you think he'll be...

Phineas:
[juggling corn dogs with Ferb] Corn dog, corn dog, yummy yummy yummy!

Candace:
Okay. Where did you get the-- Mom! Dad! Thank goodness! The strangest thing just happened.

Linda:
[in Baljeet's voice] Fear not. Your parents are here now.

Candace:
Huh?

[Camera zooms out to show Mom and Dad are puppets being controlled by a giant Baljeet]

Baljeet:
The real shock is you're just noticing this now.

Candace:
What?

[Camera zooms out even further to show Baljeet is actually a puppet controlled by the zebra from "The Ballad of Badbeard"]

Zebra:
I'm just as confused as you are, Kevin.

Jeremy:
Candace, since I have no idea what will happen next, I need to tell you something. [holds onto Candance's hands] I love you, Candace Flynn. Will you marry me?

Candace:
Oh, Jeremy! I always dreamt-- Wait a minute. That's it! I'm dreaming!

Jeremy:
That would explain the talking zebra.

Candace:
Nah, I see him all the time. This, this is actually the freaky part. And it's all just been one...big...

[Cut to Candace in bed, she wakes up, gasping]

Candance:
Dream! [pause] So none of that really happened. I never actually busted Phineas and Ferb. I am so happy.

Phineas:
Hey, Ferb! We should build a device that projects your dreams like a movie! I'd love to see what Perry dreams about.

Perry:
[chatters]

Candace:
Ooh, I almost forgot! Perry was in the dream too, dressed like a super-secret agent or something.

Ferb:
Perhaps that's where he disappears to every day.

[They stare at Perry for a moment. Suddenly...]

SSSN:
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Candace:
Hey, Wait, What are you doing? Hey!

Lawrence:
Oh!

Linda:
Oh!

Phineas:
Wait a minute. What's going on? I haven't even finished my cereal!

Major Monogram:
Agent P, your cover's been blown! You're going to have to relocate you!

[Screen flashes, cut to Perry waking up, laying on Phineas' bed. He quickly gets to his paws. Scene zooms out to reveal Phineas, he wakes up, too]

Phineas:
Ah, hey, Perry. What's wrong, boy? [pets him] You sounded like you were having a bad dream. It's okay now. Go back to sleep. [lies down and closes eyes, going back to sleep]

[Perry looks around the room, then at Phineas, before he smiles and curls back up going to sleep]

Isabella:
So, you two have built a portal to Mars and you didn't even go through it yourselves?

Phineas:
Oh, we did...

Ferb:
But that's another story.

Phineas:
Ferb speaks Martian!

Candace:
Tell them I want to walk alone.

Ferb:
Meht tuohtiw ton tub enif yas yeht.

Martians:
Arrabata Dutch!

Ferb:
They say fine, but not without them.

Candace:
This may sound silly, but I thought you were avoiding me.

Unknown Guy:
Actually, I've been trying to avoid you.

Candace:
Do I know you?

Unknown Guy:
No. That's how well it's been working! Unknown Guy is out. Peace!