Queer as Folk, Season 4

Brian:
Shit. It's that time of the month again.

Justin:
When your little friend comes to visit?

Justin:
I thought we were partners.

Brian:
We are.

Justin [to Brian]:
You may be a Pauper but you drink like a Prince.

Debbie:
It's been three days! Three fucking days and not one fucking word! … except for this strange cryptic message 'Don't worry, Ma. I'm all right.'

Justin:
Doesn't sound strange or cryptic to me.

Debbie:
It's the first time since Michael's learned how to pick up a phone that we haven't talked three times a day.

Justin:
Three?

Brian:
I know... it explains so much.

Michael [to Hunter]:
Listen to me, you little asshole! I risked EVERYTHING for you! Now you're gonna do what I tell you, we are gonna go back and fight and then we're gonna try and turn you into a normal human being, which at the moment, flapping my arms and flying to the moon seems like a better bet... move it!

[Michael brings back Brian his car]

Brian:
It's like that time in 7th grade when I lean you my brand new 10-speed and you brought it back... the front fender was crushed, my seat was torn-

Michael:
I was hit by a bus!

Emmett:
I'd rather stay here, get shit-faced.

Brian:
You've passed shit-faced about 10 miles back.

Justin:
Mom.

Jennifer:
Hi honey.

Brian:
Hi honey.

[Brian is selling his loft]

Justin:
It's more than that... it's where we made love for the first time.

Brian:
That wasn't love. I just gave you a rim job and fucked your brains out.

Justin:
It was love to me.

Vic:
We met at a fairy gathering.

Emmett:
The Tony Awards?

Emmett:
You're not gonna get better sitting on the sofa. So why don't you take your sardonic wit, and your superior 'I'm not like all those other losers' attitude and get your ass back there.

Ted:
So they can fix me? It's too late. I'm beyond repair. I have nothing. No future, no friends, no job, no lover. What's the point? Might as well be dead.

Emmett:
Then do it. Go on. Kill yourself. You'd be doing us all a favor. Only don't be a man about it. Be a Queen.

Justin:
Now you and half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in your bed tonight knowing the loft is still yours.

Brian:
Half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in their own beds. [kisses Justin]

Darren:
Better not be a parakeet in there, Jane.

Justin:
Huh?

Darren:
Obviously you're not up on your gay film history.

Darren:
I keep hoping that when they catch my bashes they'll sentence them for life in prison and they'll get fucked nightly by prisoner's with AIDS.

Justin:
That's gruesome.

Darren:
It doesn't cost anything to dream.

Darren:
I can't stop thinking about it. I see their faces, their boot's smashing into me. I even hugged this one guy's foot to my stomach, hoping it'd stop him from kicking me... it didn't.

Justin:
If you're still holding onto that boot than you're still on the ground taking it.

Debbie:
Are you ready to find your inner fairy?

Emmett:
When I do I just hope he looks more like Tinkerbell than Captain Hook.

Fairy:
I'm Piston.

Fairy 2:
I'm Wolfen.

Michael:
I'm... Dumpling.

Debbie:
There's nothing more terrifying than a blood-thirsty drag queen.

Brian:
What you've accomplished is an amazing achievement. To sink so low. To hit bottom with such a resounding thud.

Ted:
You know, you should be a guest motivational speaker in rehab.

[Ben and Hunter walk into the gym]

Brian:
It's Batman and the new Robin!

Ben:
Better not tell the old Robin that.

Hunter [to Brian]:
Wanna hook up in the steam room?

Brian [mockingly]:
I should be so lucky to have HIV, then I too can go play volleyball with my shirtless hunky buds.

[Justin is angry that Darren isn't going to identify his attackers]

Brian:
You want to get even? I'll tell you how to get even. Become the biggest fucking success you can possibly be.

Brian:
Nothing pisses off a straight guy more than a successful fag.

[Ted is about to throw out his computer]

Blake:
You sure you want to trash that?

Ted:
Hook ups, porn sites, not to mention endless emails about how to increase my dick size.

Blake:
I don't recall that being one of your short-comings.

Ben:
Maybe next year we all should go [to the fairy gathering]... Brian how 'bout you?

Brian:
I'd rather have my tongue super-glued to a lesbian's twat.

Cody:
[To Justin] Well, if it isn't Meg Ryan...

Emmett:
So I've been going to the gym religiously.

Brian:
Is that why you've been kneeling in the steam room?

Daphne:
Can I join?

Cody:
It's only for queers.

Daphne:
I thought keeping the streets safe was everyone's concern... well, I guess I'll grab a straight soda and head to my straight room and study my straight studies.

Brian [to Justin]:
Take it easy, Timberlake.

Ted:
As much as I'd like to OD on chocolate-

Michael:
For a change... I mean...

Vic:
I was always good at numbers... especially cute one's.

Vic:
Do you think Rage could help me?

Hunter:
There's somebody you want brought back to life with a blow job?

Vic:
Me!

Dean [to Michael about Ted]:
There's a lot of things that he's ashamed of. And when he sees you he's reminded of them. You're a reflection of the things he wants to forget.

Brian [to Justin]:
How about taking the night off? Even Rage and God get a day of rest.

Brian [to Emmett]:
Save your diva routine for your world tour.

Brian [about Ted]:
Well, guess what? Like Jesus and Liza and Judy, he's making a comeback.

[Brian and Justin walk into Kinetic]

Justin:
Last time I was here it was No Towel's Night.

Brian:
A hundred guys must have touched my stiffy.

Justin:
Mr. Popular. And I'm the only one you fucked.

Brian:
What do you say we christen my new office? I have 15 minutes before I have to approve ad copy.

Justin:
Always the romantic.

Michael:
From now on there will be no lewd comments, no more sexual innuendo.

Hunter:
So much for conversation.

Ben:
I thought the gay gene provided us all with an innate ability to re-decorate, accessorize, and arrange flowers.

Michael:
I think mine's recessive.

Justin:
What's the matter? Are you scared?

Brian:
[Laughing] Yeah, I'm incapacitated with fear...

Cody:
Mind if I ask you a question, Pastor?

Pastor:
Please.

Cody:
This book, you have to believe all of it, not just some of it, right?

Pastor:
That's right.

Cody:
So, do you like shrimp?

Pastor:
Well, as a matter of fact I do.

Cody:
Because in Leviticus, a few scriptures before that man lying with man is an abomination one, it also says it's an abomination to eat shellfish, and shrimp are shellfish, right?

Pastor:
What's your point, young man?

Cody:
I believe the point is, if you can eat shrimp, we can eat cock.

Pastor:
Son, you need the Lord. You need to accept Jesus.

Cody:
Oh, I accept Jesus. It's assholes like you, I have a problem with.

[Ted is sharing at AA]

Ted:
I'm Ted, I'm a crystal meth addict.

Everyone:
Hi Ted.

Ted:
This is my sixth week of recovery. Uh, I guess it all started about a year ago or so, I was struggling with feelings of worthlessness and depression, no longer had the will to go on. So in a moment of despair I decided to try what-

Brian:
Come on. I need you.

Ted:
Jesus, Brian, can't you see I'm sharing?

Brian:
[looks around at the group] It's nothing you haven't heard before. Did drugs, fucked around, hit bottom, regrets it deeply... Let's go.

Brian:
You were fucking amazing.

Ted:
Yeah, I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Brian:
The way you were going at it... there was no stopping you.

Hunter:
You guys don't have to whisper, I have 20/20 hearing.

Brian [to Ted]:
That was a lovely testimony... it was worthy of AA... Accountants' Anonymous.

Brian:
I could think of so many more interesting things to do with my right hand.

Justin:
Sounds like you have no shortage of targets.

Cody:
I bet you have a few, too.

[Discussing the latest issue of Rage]

Debbie:
Gratuitous man-sex is one thing, personally I don't mind it...

Michael:
We know.

Debbie:
But gratuitous violence, that's another story.

Ben:
Actually, I don't consider it gratuitous. In fact, I'd argue that disturbing as these images may be, they are a legitimate expression of every gay man's outrage of being victimized and therefore can be justified as a passionate and uncompromising work of art.

Emmett:
Careful Brian, you're dripping. I don't want any stains on the sofa.

Brian:
Oh! Not yet anyway.

Brian:
[To Michael] You wanna bite? And you can have some of my sandwich too...

Michael:
I told Ben a lie. A big fat lie.

Brian:
Okay... who'd you fuck?

Michael:
No one.

Brian:
Oh. Then make it quick.

Michael:
I finished his book three days ago... but I told him I'm still reading it.

Brian:
That's it? That's the big fat... no. A big fat lie is I won't cum in your mouth.

Emmett:
Just don't cum on the sofa!

Brian:
You're not running around the streets with a concealed weapon!

Justin:
I told you-

Brian:
-it's necessary, so that you and Cody can be the gay avengers?! Heroes of the resistance? Martyrs to the cause?

Justin:
We're trying to stop violence before it happens!

Brian:
By starting it?

Brian:
I have no practical skills whatsoever in talking lesbians out of trees.

Brian:
Gonna lie there sharpening your claws and feeling sorry for yourself or you gonna get your ass out of bed?

Melanie:
Jesus, Brian, you could at least knock.

Brian:
If I would have knocked you'd have told me to fuck off.

Melanie:
Fuck off.

Brian:
Too late! Now then. Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you.

Ben:
Whatcha reading pal?

Hunter:
Catcher in the fucking Rye. Ever hear of it?

Ben:
Variation thereof. What do you think?

Hunter:
I think Holden Caufield's a fag.

Ben:
Hmm. How do you figure that?

Hunter:
Catcher is a bottom right?

Ben:
I am going to call the Dean of Carnegie Mellon tomorrow to see if there's a position in the Lit department.

Brian:
Say somebody bashes you, nearly kills you. Does that give you the right to go out and do the same?

Ben:
Of course not.

Brian:
Why?

Michael:
'Cause two wrongs don't make a right.

Ben:
Besides, there are laws.

Brian:
But what if the law failed to protect you? What if the law doesn't give a shit? Then what?

Michael:
Then I guess you'd have to take the law into your own hands.

Ben:
No no no... violence is never a moral option.

Brian:
But doing nothing... letting someone bash your brains in, it is?... Thus, the conscience does make cowards of us all.

Daphne [to Brian]:
Mind if you hit on me later? I have to talk to you.

Emmett:
There's only so much fucking your brains out one can do.

Debbie:
… you have a temperature, honey?

Debbie:
How was your last trick?

Emmett:
Big dick... teeny brain.

Debbie:
The best kind!

Justin:
I want you to apologize.

Chris Hobbs:
For what?

Justin:
For bashing me, for causing me brain damage and permanent injury, for giving me nightmares every night for two years, for filling me with fear every time I walk out the door, for treating me like a sub-human who doesn't deserve to live.

Chris Hobbs:
That's what you are, Taylor.

Justin [to Chris Hobbs]:
Now you know what it feels like... the fear that all faggots feel all their lives, walking down the street holding hands, because of asshole's like you! And you know what? We're tired of it.

Cody:
Do it... do it! What the fuck are you doing, you can't stop now.

Justin:
Get up. Go inside. And I wouldn't call the police. You wouldn't want to tell them some faggots made you shit your pants.

Cody:
You coward! You let him get away! You had him! You could have had him but you were too chicken-shit. You're like all the other faggots. You're too afraid. You're all cowards and they know it. You could have ended it. Faggot! You are no different than the rest of them! You deserve what you get! [Cody continues to yell as Justin walks away]

[Emmett and Debbie move in together]

Emmett:
Now she's living in sin.

Debbie:
Or right across the hall from it.

Michael [to Debbie]:
Remember what you always told me? Blood is thicker than marinara sauce.

Brian:
Are these rates firm?

Cynthia:
As my abs... I bought one of those machines.

Emmett:
It's very admirable, Ted, admitting your mistakes. Everyone forgive you?

Ted:
So far.

Emmett:
Must make you feel better.

Ted:
Can't tell you how relieved I am.

Emmett:
Good for you. But what's reading this letter gonna do for me? Hmm? Will it take away all the damage that's been done? All the pain that's been inflicted? Will it make up for my feeling inadequate and helpless? Or erase all those memories of you descending into your addiction while you tried to drag me down with you? Sorry, Teddy. You'll just have to get your feel-good fix from someone else.

Michael [to Ben]:
Come on, stay and watch for a few minutes. I'll sit on your lap.

Brian:
You know the problem with our extra-circular one fuck only policy?

Justin:
Is it that after a while you start asking yourself... am I doing this because I want to do it or because I need to do it? And if I need to do it, is it to prove to myself I'm still young and attractive? Or 'cause I think I'm unworthy of being loved?

Brian:
Or maybe it's because I've had every unshockable guy in this city.

Lindsay:
If I wasn't already a dyke, he'd have me diving for the nearest muff.

Melanie:
And it's right here, baby.

Blake [to Emmett]:
He's not asking for your forgiveness. He's asking you to acknowledge his pain for having hurt you. After that it's up to him to forgive himself.

Justin:
A man that got away, huh?

Brian:
And I was halfway up his ass.

Justin:
He must have heard that nasty rumor... you know, the one about you having crabs.

Brian:
[scoffs] I wonder how that happened.

Lindsay:
I thought you should know, I'm happily married.

Sam:
Yeah, who's the lucky guy?

Lindsay:
He's not a guy, he's a woman.

Sam:
All the better. Call her. We'll have a three-way.

[Lindsay punches Sam]

Michael:
Uncle Vic is gone. He passed away.

Hunter:
I thought the meds were supposed to keep you alive? Not kill you.

Ben:
Doesn't always work that way.

Brian:
Vic was on his death bed four years ago. All this was gravy. We knew that.

Debbie:
What did you say?

Brian:
Going this way... could have been a lot worse. If you ask me he was fucking lucky.

Debbie:
[slaps Brian] Nobody fucking asked you. And who the fuck are you to decide how long he should have lived?

Brian:
The truth hurts.

Debbie:
Get this shithead out of my house.

Justin:
I can't believe you're thinking about sex at a time like this.

Brian:
At a time like this it's exactly when you should be thinking about it.

Trick [to Brian]:
I just thought you should know you have a lump on your left testicle. If I were you, I'd have it checked out. Sooner the better.

Brian:
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

Michael:
My Uncle Vic was the first person I ever told I was gay. He laughed and said, "thank god, now your grandmother will have someone Else's soul to pray for."

Michael:
What the hell are you doing?

Hunter:
Smoking your hidden joint, what does it look like?

Ben:
Michael, we can't tell him not to do drugs if we do it ourselves.

Michael:
Of course we can! That's what parenting is all about.

Brian:
In bed.

Justin:
Hmm?

Brian:
You're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of every fortune.

Justin:
I was thinking... on the floor.

Debbie:
I can't tell if these branches are tops or bottoms.

Emmett:
You gotta ask another tree about that one.

Lindsay:
Gus has been saying Dada all day.

Brian:
So he's developed a sudden interest in German Surrealism.

Lindsay:
Isn't he a little young for James Dean?

Brian:
Well, you don't want him to watch Teletubbies, do you? It might make him gay.

Ben [about Hunter]:
He's the one who is 16, who's positive, who is dealing with an HIV-related death for the first time. Try to imagine how terrifying that must be. So, if he's acting out right now it's because he's scared shirtless.

Michael:
I'm sorry. I didn't even think about it.

Ben:
Why should you? You don't have it.

[Brian has been acting uninterested in sex with Justin.]

Justin:
He's never turned me down before.

Emmett:
I have to admit, that doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and... feel ambivalent about.

Emmett:
I've always been such a silly slut for that accent. One "cheerio" and my legs are up pointing north!

Emmett:
There was a part of me that didn't want you to recover... wanted you to be in pain. Felt like you deserved it. Pretty runty, huh?

Ted:
Not really. Felt the same way myself.

Michael:
They [Hunter and Ben] could die just like him and I'd be the one left to pack up their stuff and turn out the lights.

Brian:
Just because they're positive doesn't mean they're gonna be the first to go. Hell, it could be you. You could step out in the street, get hit by a Mercedes compressor. So much classier than a bus. Go down to the post office to buy a stamp, get blown away by a disgruntled postal worker. In case you haven't noticed these days, they're all disgruntled.

Michael:
I just get scared of the thought of being alone.

Brian:
That's how we all came in. That's how we're all going out.

Justin:
You go do whatever you have to do for whatever reason you have to do it. I just want you to know I love you. And I'll be here when you get back.

Darren:
Is it true that gentleman prefer blondes?

Justin:
I don't know about gentleman, but dirty old men sure do.

Darren:
Even better!

Michael:
It means I get to sit around a dressing room with a bunch of ladies parading around in their girdles and bras, telling her which outfit looks best.

Ben:
Judging from TV, I thought that's one of the few things we queers were good for.

Justin [to Brian]:
How was your trip?

Melanie:
Weather sucked.

Ted:
But so did the men.

Brian:
By the way... I missed you.

Michael:
I thought straight actor's didn't take gay roles?

Ted:
You can't turn yourself into a failure to make your relationship a success.

Brian:
If some asshole named Vic Grassi calls from Hell, you can tell him I'm in a meeting.

Michael:
Holy shoot! Did you check out the dick on this kid?!

Melanie:
Or not.

Lindsay:
That's the umbilical cord!

Melanie:
Something tells me a princess is on the way.

Michael:
Well it's okay with me if he's gay.

Michael:
Is it a class for lesbian mothers? I won't shave my legs, no one will notice.

Michael:
Hey, where have you been? I need those panels so I can come up with some dialogue for the evil anal probes.

Justin:
How about up your ass?

Brian:
It's "the big C," Ted.

Ted:
Cocaine?

Brian:
It's bigger.

Ted:
Crystal?

Brian:
Bigger.

Ted:
Caffeine?

Brian:
It's cancer, Theodore.

Ted:
C-c-ca...

Michael:
You can't open someone Else's mail. It's a federal offense!

Hunter:
I can see it now... I'm on death row waiting lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, "opening Ben's letter."

Debbie:
Am I interrupting?

Horvath:
Just about to devour my man-wich.

Debbie:
In my neighborhood that's three guys fucking.

Sam:
You flatter me, my dear. By at least a couple inches.

Michael:
Jesus, what happened to you?

Brian:
Chernobyl.

Michael:
You think you can kick me out of here the way you did Justin? And for what? Trying not to let on that he knew? Because that's the way you wanted it. He deserves to know. He's your lover. Your partner, whether you want to admit it or not. And sick or not, that's a fucking shitty way to treat him!

Brian:
I was only trying to make it easier.

Michael:
By never seeing him again?

Brian:
He would have left sooner or later anyway, might as well be sooner!

Man:
Hey Drew, where'd you get those caterers?

Drew:
Looks like a couple flamers to me.

Emmett:
[walks up to Drew] Excuse me, Mr. Boyd? I hope I'm not out of place for saying this, actually I don't give a fuck if I am. Back in Hazelhurst, Mississippi where I grew up, I was always taught that if a real man has something to say about someone, he says it to his face, not behind his back. So even though you may be a star, you know, captain of the team, a hero to millions, you still have a lot to learn about being a man.

Emmett:
Dating in this place just means you sucked some guy's dick and went out for coffee.

Emmett:
Which one are you?

Drew:
Number 7.

Emmett:
Very graceful... in a rugged, manly way.

Emmett [to Drew]:
I don't see much difference in how you play your game on Sunday afternoons and how I play my game on Saturday nights.

Brian:
I thought I told you to get out.

Justin:
I guess I didn't hear; you tend to mumble a lot.

Brian:
Listen to me, you little shit. I don't. Want. You here.

Justin:
I don't care what you want. You're not getting rid of me.

[Brian tries to pull Justin out. Justin shoves Brian, who falls.]

Justin:
Shit. Are you all right? Tell me you're all right!

Brian:
I'm all right!

Justin:
You're not all right!

Brian:
[Shouting] Then what the hell are you asking me for?

Justin:
[Shouting] So I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me, for shutting me out, for thinking that you could handle this on your own and most of all for thinking that I would leave you! Why would you think that? 'Cause you had a ball removed? 'Cause you're no longer perfect? Well, believe me, Mr Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them!

Brian:
Maybe you should have.

Justin:
Yeah, maybe you're right. But I thought we had a commitment, and I plan to stand by it. Now get your ass back in bed, you son of a bitch!... And eat some fucking chicken soup!

Drew:
Why would anyone think I'm a fag?

Emmett:
Maybe because you had your dick up my ass?

Ted:
After all, I am a gay man and sex is our national past-time.

Brian:
I see your point.

Debbie:
Yeah, so why didn't you see it then?

Brian:
Maybe because I didn't know that I had cancer then.

Brian:
Will it make me small?

Justin:
I'm hoping that it will make you large. Very very large.

Brian:
All I want to do is dig a hole and crawl in. Only I'm too busy vomiting.

Debbie [praying]:
Brian Kinney. No doubt you've heard of him. He wouldn't like you telling me this but the biggest organ he's got is his heart. So please God, make him well.

Emmett:
You know, I absolutely hate when you do that.

Ted:
Do what?

Emmett:
Start to say something and then say "never mind." Then I have to spend the next ten minutes begging you to tell me what it is.

Ted:
I never knew it irritated you that much. Why didn't you tell me?

Emmett:
Well what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk.

Ted:
I do not sulk.

Emmett:
And then I have to spend another ten minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so would you please just tell me what the fuck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance.

Ted:
I forgot what it is I wasn't going to tell you.

Brian:
You think God gave me cancer to punish me?

Joan Kinney:
It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can.

Brian:
I can?

Joan:
Well, it won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. Be strong. Harden yourself.

Brian:
I wanna be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard. Oh, Lord, make me hard so that I can fuck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom, so that I can use the one ball I have left!

Joan:
Shame! Shame on you!

Brian:
If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven with you!

Brian [to Justin]:
Let's just say that God gave me a second chance. I don't want to blow it. But you feel free to.

Brian [about Drew]:
I don't know if he's going to sell any underwear but he sure as hell is going to sell a lot of Kleenex.

Lindsay:
Did I happen to mention lest we forget that I'm a lesbian?

Sam:
And did I mention that you sure don't fuck like one?

Lindsay:
My house has many rooms; I occupy but a few. The rest go uninvited.

Brian [to Lindsay]:
You're the last person I ever thought I'd discuss dick with.

Brian:
It's okay to like cock. And it's okay to like pussy. Just not at the same time.

Michael:
[Hunter comes into the Comic book store] Well, look who it is! Come to shoot the breeze, a heart to heart, spend a little quality time with your dashing young dad?

Hunter:
I need 20 bucks.

Michael:
I knew it. What do you want it for?

Hunter:
My upwardly mobile lifestyle; being a teenager's expensive.

Michael:
Well, you should have thought of that before you became one.

Debbie:
I've always had a soft spot for men in uniform.

Emmett:
And I've always had a hard spot.

Emmett:
Can you believe I've never been to a football game?

Ted:
Easily.

Ben:
I wish I had a boyfriend when I was your age.

Michael:
All those missed blow jobs.

Michael:
[About Hunter's boyfriend] We're very open minded. Doesn't matter if he has tattoos, body piercings... He doesn't, does he?

Hunter:
Look, I don't have a boyfriend, okay?

Michael:
What do you mean, you told me...

Hunter:
I told you I had a friend. I didn't say it was a boy.

[about Hunter dating a girl]

Michael:
Do you think maybe it's just a phase? Maybe he hasn't met the right boy.

Ted:
That's impossible, he's straight!

Emmett:
Tell my ass that.

Melanie:
You don't have to tell me, I know. You don't live with someone for nine years and not know.

Lindsay:
I still choose you.

Melanie:
That's a very convincing testimony. I'm not so sure that I still choose you.

Doctor:
How does that feel?

Brian:
It'd be a lot better with poppers.

Doctor:
Try to describe the sensation.

Brian:
It feels like someone is rotating my artificial ball.

Doctor:
You've put on some weight.

Brian:
I realize to you that's a good thing. To me it's a disaster.

Brian:
How long can I resume a normal life? Doing recreational drugs and consuming vast amounts of alcohol, going to the gym.

Doctor:
I don't have any problem with some light stretching and mild cardio.

Brian:
Doc, I'm a fag. I don't go to the gym to be healthy, I go there to look good.

Melanie:
I know which team I play on. It's not a choice or a preference, it's who I am. It's who I've always been. A rug-puncher, a muff diver, a cunt slapper, a bull, a Lizzie, a dyke.

Lindsay:
What do you think I am?

Melanie:
Don't ask me to make up your mind for you. You have to do that all by yourself.

Lindsay:
I'm a lesbian.

Melanie:
Not if you're having sex with a man, honey.

Justin:
Brian's doctor cautioned him to take it easy.

Ted:
What like getting laid 3 times instead of 4?

Justin:
More like 7 instead of 9.

Emmett:
So what brings you to Queersville?

Drew:
My game's been shit.

Emmett:
Talk to your coach.

Drew:
I can't sleep.

Emmett:
Take a Xanax.

Drew:
I'm drinking too much.

Emmett:
Buy more beer nuts.

Drew:
I miss you.

Drew:
I thought you love when I fuck you.

Emmett:
I do love when you fuck me. This isn't the Atkins Diet. Man can't live on meat alone. At least this man can't.

Brian:
Of all the times we fucked, and by now I'd say we are well into the quadruple digits, that has to be in the top five.

Debbie:
Well, there is an alternative to going out in a blaze of glory, and that's giving 'em all the big "fuck you."

Debbie:
Vic fought like a son-of-a-bitch. Every time a new infection hit or some new med made him feel worse than what it was supposed to be curing, he would dig down into some unfathomable place in himself and say "I'm not giving up yet, so fuck off."

Emmett [to Drew]:
I've been beaten up, cursed at, spit at, from day one. Which in a way was worth it. Because I never had to live a lie. And I'm not about to start now. Not for you. Not for anyone.

Hunter:
No one's ever gonna love me.

Ben:
That's not true. We love you. Whether you're positive or not. Whether you're gay or not.

Michael:
And others will too.

Justin [to Brian]:
I have to hand it to you. Your perseverance is surpassed only by your narcissism.

Ben:
I'd say we're in great shape for the ride, wouldn't you?

Michael:
Provided my ass holds out.

Ben:
I've never known it to fail.

Michael:
You've never ridden it for 300 miles.

Horvath:
I need someone in my life who will make me laugh, make me feel good.

Michael:
I'm already taken, Carl.

Debbie:
So you wanted to tell me something? Go ahead I'm all ears.

Carl:
Debbie, honey...

Debbie:
Fuck! I need ear muffs! It's supposed be as colder than a witch's tit in Canada!

Ben:
Gears lubed up, seat nice and tight.

Hunter:
I'm gonna ride it, not fuck it.

Ted [talking about his cat]:
Now she's hiding in the closet.

Emmett:
She'll come out in her own time, just like the rest of us.

Lindsay:
How many times can someone reject you before you just give up?

Debbie:
How many times in your life do you get an engagement ring?

Man:
Elizabeth Taylor, 8 times, twice from Richard Burton. Jennifer Lopez, 3, Julia Roberts, 4.

Debbie:
When a man gives you a ring it's special, it's meaningful.

Michael:
Well, I wouldn't know.

Ben:
Then maybe it's time you found out.

Michael:
Found out what?

Ben:
Michael Novotny. You are the man I've been looking for all my life. I am so very blessed to have found you. Which is why I'm asking you to due me the honor [takes out a ring] of accepting my hand in marriage. We're going to Toronto, where gay marriage is not only accepted, it's legal. And like you said, that's what two people do when they love each other, right?

Michael:
I don't know what to say.

Ben:
Yes would be good...

[On Church Street]

Michael:
You're probably going to think I'm crazy but you know what this street reminds me of?

Everyone:
Liberty Avenue.

Brian:
Since when did you ever have the least interest in getting married?

Michael:
I didn't! But not because I didn't want to. But because I never thought I could. It wasn't a story I told myself like straight kids did, you know, that someday I'd meet that special person and we'd fall in love and have a big wedding... it was never real for me.

Brian:
We're queer. We don't need marriage, we don't need a sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests. We fuck who we want to, when we want to. That is our god-given right.

Michael:
But it's also our god-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are.

Justice of the Peace:
And do you Ben promise to love, respect, and cherish Michael and be his true and faithful husband?

Hunter:
Say 'I do,' dude.

Ben:
I do.

Ted:
Anyway, it's not just for Michael and Ben. If things had been different, maybe -

Emmett:
No point in beating yourself up, Teddy. We're still friends, aren't we? Which means we'll be together a lot longer than most marriages.

Debbie:
Shit, I just called you boys. You're married men now.

Lindsay:
At least that's one good thing about not being allowed to marry.

Melanie:
Not having to get a divorce.

Brian:
Oh, come on officer, they're just a couple of crazy kids who fell in love and got hitched. Give 'em a break.

Officer:
Did you bring any fruit into the country?

Debbie:
Yeah, 250 of 'em. On bicycles.

Officer:
Ma'am? Do you like smoked salmon?

Debbie:
What does that have to do with anything?

Officer:
Because of you don't shut up, you're going to spend the rest of your life in Nova Scotia.

Brian:
Never should have had that second piece of wedding cake. But when the love of your life marries somebody else what choice do you have but to drown yourself in buttercream filling?

Brian:
Fuck the doctors and fuck the nay-Sayers. I'm still young. I'm still g-g-g-gorgeous! I'm still hot.

Michael:
You know it!

Doctor:
It looks like you've broken your clavicle.

Brian:
And it hurts like a motherfucker.

Michael:
They'll teach you to cruise guys no-handed.

Doctor:
Good news is it seems like it's a clean break, so it'll mend well.

Brian:
Did I mention that it hurts like a mother fucker?

Michael:
Is he gonna have to wear a cast?

Doctor:
Because of the way he injured himself, all he can do is rest.

Brian:
I'm sure I mentioned that it hurts like a motherfucker.

Doctor:
(exasperated) We will give you some Vicodin for that.

Brian:
(relieved) Hear that? Just like Babylon.

Michael:
You're not seriously--?

Brian:
Yes I am. Seriously!

Ben:
But you're seriously injured!

Brian:
Can we stop using the word 'seriously'?

Emmett:
[reading a map intently] I think we should have taken a left at this little squiggle here.

Ted:
I thought you knew how to read a map!

Emmett:
Of course I do! You go down here, take a left at 'up yours' and continue on about three miles to 'go fuck yourself'!

Ted:
If it turns out we’re hopelessly lost and, for whatever reason, I don’t survive the elements, I want you to know that you have my permission to eat me.

Emmett:
Thank you, Teddy. That’s the most generous thing any person ever said to another.

Debbie:
Why don't you boys sit down?

Ted:
Uh, thanks but we prefer to stand.

Emmett:
Bum's are a little battered.

Debbie:
Ah, [to Ted] well you I understand. [to Emmett] But you... you're a disgrace to nelly bottom's everywhere.

Vic:
By the way, I happen to agree with you. I was damn lucky to get those four extra years. Sure, I'd have liked more. Who wouldn't? But you're going to have a lot more than that.

Brian:
Did God tell you that?

Vic:
Actually, he told Judy and she told me.

Brian:
Judy?

Vic:
Garland. They're like this [crosses fingers].

Brian:
You mean, God's a...?

Vic:
You didn't hear it from me.

Brian:
[after asking Justin to move back in with him] And as for the times when you're not around... I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were.

Justin:
I've been waiting for you to ask me that since the first night you brought me here.

Ben:
[talking to Michael about their marriage] Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?

Michael:
So worth it! [They kiss]