Rome, Season One

Titus Pullo:
[after a flogging] Is that it? I was just beginning to enjoy myself.

Scipio:
What a dreadful noise plebs make when they're happy.

Cato:
This is music. Wait until Caesar starts them howling for our blood; then you'll hear something dreadful!

Vorenus:
Fortune pisses on me.

Titus Pullo:
Forculus, if you be the right god for the business here, I call on you to help. If you would open this door, then I would kill for you a fine white lamb, or, failing that, if I couldn't get a good one at a decent price, then six pigeons.

Atia:
The man has tears in his eyes. Tears!

Octavia:
He loves me.

Atia:
A womanish husband is no use to anyone. And your servants! What a fuss! I think you feed them too much.

Titus Pullo:
I have simpler tastes. I like to kill my enemies, take their gold and enjoy their women. That's it. Why tie yourself to one? Where's the flavor? Where's the joy?

Vorenus:
Pullo, when is the last time you had a woman who wasn't crying or wanting payment?

Pullo:
Look here, Mars! Look here, Mars! I am Titus Pullo! These bloody men are my gift to you.

Titus Pullo:
[on returning to Rome]] Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke, and f*** every whore in the city!

Atia:
By the Five Furies, if I were not a genteel woman, I'd have you flayed and hung from a bracket at the door! Castor!

Castor:
Yes, domina?

Atia:
Fetch the dogs!

[Mark Antony, when discussing terms of Caesar's return to Rome]

Pompey:
He sits alone in Ravenna with one mutinous skeleton of a legion and he dares to dictate terms to me!?.

Mark Antony :
Caesar has many more legions than the Thirteenth.

Scipio:
Yes, on the far side of the Alps.

Mark Antony:
Winter does not last forever. Spring comes. Snows melt.

Scipio:
That is a threat!

Mark Antony :
No, I assure you, that is no threat. Snows always melt.

Julius Caesar:
[regarding Antony's dishevelled state] You look fine exactly as you are. Like Leonidas at Thermopylae!

Vorena:
What is going to happen?

Niobe:
War is going to happen.

Brutus:
Mother, you are blinded by untapped lust. I'll get you a good big Cyrenian at the market and have done with it!

[Caesar has sent Vorenus ahead to scout with a squadron of cavalry]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Can we trust him?

Mark Antony:
Who?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Lucius Vorenus.

Mark Antony:
Vorenus? Deep Thirteenth, him. He'd follow the Eagle up Pluto's arse!

[Pullo instructs Vorenus on the fine points of wooing.]

Titus Pullo:
Now, your best method of pleasing a woman is the warm, beating heart of an enemy. Oh, women say they don't like it, but they do! Makes them wet as October!

[discussing how to please Lucius's wife.]

Titus Pullo:
Also: very important. When you couple with her there's this spot just above her cunny. It's like a button. Now, attend to that button and she will open up like a flower.

Lucius Vorenus:
[outraged] How do you know this about her?!

Titus Pullo:
[momentarily gobsmacked] All women have them! Ask anyone!

[On finding Rome unprotected by Pompeian troops:
]

Lucius Vorenus:
[aghast] This can only mean that the Republic has fallen.

Titus Pullo:
And yet, the sky is still above us and the earth still below. Strange.

Vorenus:
How could Mars allow such a thing to happen?

Pullo:
Maybe he was out having a crap and missed it!

Caesar:
You are a thief. A foolish, incompetent thief. But we will treat your foolishness as some species of loyalty.

Caesar:
I do not like to quarrel with fortune, and clearly she's taken you for a pet.

Caesar:
[to Octavian after having an epileptic seizure] Vow to Orcus, never speak of this.

Octavian:
[nodding his head yes in agreement]

Caesar:
They say a slave talks of bravery like a fish talks of flying.

Posca:
They say that, do they? How very witty of them.

[Atia has informed Octavian she has engaged a tutor for him:
one of the soldiers who rescued him.]

Octavian:
Vorenus?

Atia of the Julii:
Is that it? Not the sullen Catonian one, I don't like him. The cheerful, brutish one.

Octavian:
[turning to go] Pullo.

Atia:
What extraordinary names these plebs have. Pullo.

Atia:
Octavian, have you penetrated anyone yet? Titus Pullo, didn't I tell you to get that sorted? What else?

Octavia:
Perhaps you could arrange he kill someone.

Atia:
That will happen in due course. We Julii always have the needful enemies.

Titus Pullo:
What's your price, then?

Madame:
One thousand.

Titus Pullo:
Gerrhae! I could have half the whores in Narbo for that, and their mothers!

Madame:
We're not in Narbo, wherever that might be.

Titus Pullo:
All right, my dove, we'll pay, but the girl better f*** him like Helen of Troy with her arse on fire, or I'll know the reason why!

Atia:
Well this last news from Greece cannot have improved your appetite.

Mark Antony:
Hardly.

Atia:
And is it really so bad? Caesar always finds a way to win.

Mark Antony:
Pompey's gathered ten men for every one of Caesar's. Arithmetic has no mercy.

Newsreader:
This month's public bread is provided by the Capitoline Brotherhood of Millers. The Brotherhood uses only the finest flour: true Roman bread for true Romans.

Mark Antony:
[to Atia] I had not realized until now... what a wicked old harpy you are.

Atia:
A large penis is always welcome.

Titus Pullo:
This is cack, this is! I'm wet through!

Lucius Vorenus:
We're perfectly safe - a very favorable offering was made to Triton before we left.

Pullo:
Well, if Triton can't keep me drier than this, he can suck my cock!

[Ship's mast breaks]

Vorenus:
Pullo, when will you learn to keep your fat mouth shut?!

Caesar:
Our men must win or die. Pompey's men have... other options.

Caesar:
Try to avoid bloodshed this time.

Posca:
Wait a while, and Pompey can shave you instead.

[Cicero announces his intention to surrender]

Scipio:
Caesar will kill you.

Cicero:
That may be. I'm not afraid to die. I'm tired. I want to go home.

Vorenus:
His hands trembled, sir. His clothes were dirty, there was water in his eyes -- he is broken. I saw no need to apprehend him. I'd like to add that Legionary Pullo took no part in my decision, sir.

Caesar:
You saw "no need." Do you not see that Pompey may be broken like a Dacian catamite and still be dangerous?! If he is still living, he will be a standard around which our enemies will gather. As long as he can propped on a horse, he's dangerous! But you saw no need to apprehend him?!

Vorenus:
I did not, sir.

Caesar:
[furious] AND WHO BY THE SONS OF DIS GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE SUCH JUDGEMENT?!

Vorenus:
Sir, I am aware I have not done my duty and I respectfully ask your pardon.

Caesar:
My pardon, he asks. I ought to have you scourged and crucified! [long pause] In future, you will remember that it is I that offers mercy. No one else. Dismissed. [Vorenus and Pullo leave]

Mark Antony:
I don't like to disagree with you, but you're being far too lenient with him. He let Pompey go and you let him live?! The man should be an example of!

Caesar:
Any other man, certainly. But those two, they found my stolen standard, now they survive a wreck that drowned an army and find Pompey Magnus on a beach. They have powerful gods on their side and I will not kill any man with friends of that sort.

Pompey Magnus:
It didn't seem possible to lose, it's always a bad sign.

King Ptolemy XIII:
[presenting the head of Pompey Magnus] We were going to make him a body, with moving arms and legs, and do a mime show with real animals and everything, and...

Gaius Julius Caesar:
[furious] SILENCE!

[long, heavy silence]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Shame on the House of Ptolemy for such barbarity. Shame.

Pothinus:
But... you are enemies.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
(shouts) He was a consul of Rome!

[guards put hands to their swords]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
A consul of Rome, to die in this sordid way - quartered like some low thief? Shame!

[another long, heavy silence]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Where is the rest of him?

Pothinus (stammering) It... he, has been cremated. With all proper funeral rites, of course! With all decorum.

Gaius Julius Caesar I will return tomorrow, at which time you will give me the man that took Pompey's life.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
These instruments tabulate the money that was borrowed by the previous king, Ptolemy XII, in the sum of seventeen thousand, thousand drachmae.

Pothinus:
Seventeen? Absurd! Four, maybe.

Posca:
That amount includes those sums that were borrowed from Pompey and those otherwise unable to collect.

Pothinus:
That is not just.

Posca:
Post mortem interests of this type are legally entailed to the presiding consul, i.e. Gaius Julius Caesar. It's... law.

Pothinus:
Roman law.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Is there some other form of law, you wretched woman?

Caesar:
I have conquered Gaul. I have defeated Pompey Magnus. I think I can handle a small boy and a eunuch.

Marc Antony:
I'm glad you're so confident. Some would call it hubris.

Caesar:
It's only hubris if I fail.

Vorenus:
Pullo, report to Princess Cleopatra and do whatever she tells you!

[Pullo reports for duty - which is to have wild sex with Cleopatra. Afterwards:
]

Pullo:
[exhales] Gods, that was something, let me tell you...

Vorenus:
I don't want to hear about it! If you're wise, you'll never speak of this again.

Pullo:
Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too!

Cicero:
You should have no ill conscience, we only did what we have to do.

Brutus:
No doubt Saturn said something of the sort after eating his children.

Marc Antony:
If I ever again hear your name connected with murmurs of treachery, I will cut off these soft, pink hands and nail them to the senate door.

Scipio:
Where there's life, there's hope.

Cato:
(sad smile) I think, if anything, we have disproved that proverb, old friend.

Titus Pullo:
[on Vorenus' toga candida] You look like laundry!

Posca:
The Roman people are not crying out for clean elections. They are crying out for jobs. They are crying out for clean water, for food, for stability and peace.

Caesar:
You know I've always looked upon you as a son...

Brutus:
Oh dear, not one of those conversations.

Caesar:
Be reasonable! You're on every wall in the city with a knife at my throat!

Brutus:
Only tyrants need to worry about tyrant killers!

Marcus Junius Brutus:
I betrayed nothing. Had you told me you were to march on Rome and asked me for my allegiance, I would have given it. I would've judged you insane, but I would've given you my allegiance because I look on you as my father.

Caesar:
Brutus-

Marcus Junius Brutus:
You did not ask me for my allegiance. You demanded it at swordpoint. I betrayed nothing.

Cassius:
Look now. Look at that.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
It is a chair. What of it?

Cassius:
A chair? It's a throne!

Marcus Junius Brutus:
I believe thrones are generally more decorative. That is decidedly plain, and chair-like.

Caesar:
[of an assassinated political opponent]I didn't know he existed until he didn't.

Atia:
Why would she want to see me? She hates me!

Mark Antony:
So do I; that's no bar to friendship.

Narrator:
Four hundred years after the last king was driven from the city, the Republic of Rome rules many nations, but cannot rule itself. The city is constantly roiled by conflict between the common people and the nobility. Power is shared, and order maintained by two soldiers, old friends Gnaeus Pompey Magnus and Gaius Julius Caesar. Once, Pompey was acknowledged by all to be the greater man, but for the last eight years, while Pompey has kept the peace in Rome, Caesar has waged a war of conquest in Gaul, that has made him even more rich and popular. The balance of power is shifting, and the nobility have grown fearful - Though of noble blood himself, Caesar stands with the common people. A man like that, an aristocrat with soldiers, money and the love of the people... Might make himself king.

Lucius Vorenus:
[After a battle in which Pullo hit him and was clearly drunk, and is now being flogged] Legionary Titus Pullo is a hero of the XIII Legion, but look at him now! Justice knows every man's number. He has committed a terrible sacrilege, and he will pay for it with his life! As will any man here who breaks the law.

[Each soldier and officer looks slightly shaken by the flogging. Mark Anthony eats an apple, apparently enjoying it.]

Vorenus:
Brawlers and drunkards will be flogged. Thieves will be strangled! Deserters will be crucified!

Titus Pullo:
[Being released, the flogging over] Is that it? I was just beginning to enjoy myself.

[After Mark Anthony survives a presumed attempt on his life by Pompey's mob in Rome...]

Julius Caesar:
After all these years... Pompey surprises me! I had hoped to provoke some kind of aggression, sure, but to try and kill a Tribune, in the forum... The man's found some hard black iron in his soul.

Mark Antony :
Sure it was yon demented little worm Cato who put him up to it. [On the wine] It's excellent, this... So, what next?

Caesar:
Let's see what the men have to say...

[Caesar heads off outside while Antony goes to wash himself up]

Caesar:
Don't do that! [Puts an arm on Mark's shoulder] You look fine exactly as you are. Like Leonidas at Thermopylae.

[Caesar's speech to the XIII Legion, preluding the civil war against Pompey]

Caesar:
Soldiers! Pompey, and the Senate, have formally declared that Gaius Julius Caesar is an enemy of Rome!

[The soldiers shout in denial]

Caesar:
They have declared that I am a criminal. They have declared, in the fact, that all of you, ALSO, are criminals!

[The soldiers roar in disapproval]

Caesar:
Tribune's veto was not exercised! People's Tribune, Mark Anthony, and fifty men of the XIII were assaulted by a thousand head of Pompeian scum.

[The soldiers boo again. From behind, Pullo watches it all.]

Caesar:
A Tribune, of the Plebs, assaulted on the steps of the Senate house! Can you imagine a more terrible sacrilege!? Our beloved Republic is in the hands of madmen! This is a dark day, and I stand in a fork in the road - I can abide the law and surrender my arms to the Senate, and watch the Republic fall to tyranny and chaos, or, I can go home, with my sword in my hand, and run those maniacs TO THE TARPEIAN ROCK!

[The soldiers roar, supporting Caesar.]

Caesar:
Legionary Titus Pullo, step forward! [Pullo is surprised to hear his name, but doesn't move] Titus Pullo!

[Pullo moves in the crowd, headed towards Caesar]

Caesar:
Of fifty brave men of the XIII, whom fought Pompey's Thousand in the forum, and saved the Tribune, it was Legionary Titus Pullo whom drew first blood! [Picks up a purse and raises it] Here's five hundred Denarii!

[Throws the purse to Pullo]

Pullo:
[Shocked] Very grateful, sir!

Caesar:
Are you with me, Titus Pullo? Will you come with me to Rome?

Pullo:
[Briefly stuttering] Yes- YES SIR! Certainly!

Caesar:
Titus Pullo is with me! AND YOU, ARE YOU WITH ME!?

[The whole Legion roars in approval]

Brutus:
lf l had known what wretched company and rotten food l would endure, if l had known what an old fool is Pompey, l would never have left Rome.

[in his cell, about to be executed in the arena]

Titus Pullo:
(holds up a cockroach) Janus, Gaia, and Dis, I humbly beg you accept this creature as my offering. And if it pleases you, I ask you to give Eirene long life. And same for my friend Lucius Vorenus and his family, if it's not too much. And... let Eirene know I'm sorry for what I did.