Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2

Sabrina:
I'm too weak to lie, I didn't wear my mittens.

Sabrina:
Is it time for the test?

Quizmaster:
Are you kidding? You are not ready. This is a warning. You haven't cracked this hand. I mean, not even the knuckles. Hey, I liked that one.

Hilda:
Let me guess, you failed your first try?

Sabrina:
I'll get it next time.

Zelda:
I'm sure you will. But unfortunately, there's a penalty.

Sabrina:
No dessert?

Sgt. Slater:
Spellman, Spellman... Why is that name so familiar? Hilda Spellman... Hilda Thorn-In-My-Side Spellman! Don't tell me you're related to Hilda Spellman?

Sabrina:
...Okay!

Sgt. Slater:
Unauthorized leave, upsetting a fellow recruit, De-activating your De-activator, feeding a canine officer a non-food substance.

Sabrina:
Hey, he picked that fight, not me!

Sgt. Slater:
Oh yeah? That’s not what he said!

Sabrina:
I’ve got to get this de-activator off.

Salem:
I’ll pick it with my dew-claw. It’s essentially the same lock that’s on your diary

Hilda:
I’m so glad we spent our small fortune on a briefcase.

Salem:
So fire it up and whip me up some hospital grade catnip.

Valerie:
You'll never guess who just asked me out? Kirk!

Sabrina:
Should I still guess?

Cupid:
Look, I have to be honest with you; It’s more than that, it’s against my principles.

Salem:
Is it because I’m a cat and she’s a woman?

Cupid:
No, it’s because you're a cat and she’s Sherry Lewis.

Salem:
But I could make her so happy! Besides, she’s gotta be tired of that whiny lamb. Not even a lamb, it’s a sock!

Cupid:
You sicken me.

Salem:
Get a real job... and some pants.

Witch Yenta:
I have to go. I have to meet someone...

Zelda:
Your old boyfriend?

Witch Yenta:
No, my therapist

Hilda:
She seems so happy. Oh, remember how we used to stay up Friday nights telling each other about our dates?

Zelda:
We haven’t done that in ages.

Hilda:
I know. We haven’t done that in ages because we haven’t had dates in ages.

Zelda:
Oh well, at least we have each other. [pause] Oh my heavens! I’m living with my sister! I've gotta call that Yenta!

Hilda:
I remember the first time a boy gave me a star... Next thing I knew, three wise men were at the door.

Valerie:
I was just invited to a party.

Sabrina:
At seven o’clock?

Valerie:
Well, I wasn’t exactly invited, but people saw me hear about it and didn’t warn me to keep away. D’ya wanna come?

Sabrina:
Gee, I’d love to, since they went to so much trouble not to ban us, but I can’t. I’m baby-sitting my little cousin.

Salem:
FREEZE! Don’t squirt that perfume, unless you want to be a boy who gets beaten up!

Sabrina:
Man, that was close!

Salem:
It’s not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinking like a dude. Have you picked a name yet?

Sabrina:
Kirby?

Salem:
We’re back to getting beaten up here...

Salem:
[watching Mr Kraft and Hilda (as a man) brawl from the stairs] This is better than Pay-per-view!

Zelda:
I wish you would learn that it’s never a good idea to turn yourself into a boy.

Hilda:
Oh, there was no harm done! Except for those four cheese-steaks I ate...

Hilda:
I am so glad. I hate flying during the holidays. The traffic getting back from the Universe is always vacuum to vacuum.

Sabrina:
You mean Halloween might actually be fun this year? Not that Grandpa’s game of "Find My Teeth" isn’t without it’s charms...

Harvey:
My Mom and Dad say I’ve got to take my little brother and his friends trick or treating.

Sabrina:
You're kidding! Did they just spring this on you?

Harvey:
Yeah! They just now reminded me that they told me about it two weeks ago.

Valerie:
How do we get to be friends with those guys?

Sabrina:
I think we’d have to fill out a form. Do you know what I’d say to Asher if he talked to me?

Valerie:
What?

Sabrina:
[weakly] Hello.

Valerie:
That would take guts.

Salem:
A couch who's allergic to cats? Finally, someone whose life is more pathetic than mine!

[Hilda and Zelda are meditating and the phone rings]

Zelda:
I hear bells... Have I reached Nirvana?

Hilda:
It's the phone.

Zelda:
[disapointed] Oh...

Hippie Driver:
Did that cat just talk? Or am I picking up his thoughts telepathically?

Salem:
You're right. You can read my mind. And now you're sensing my great need to stop in Philadelphia for a cheese-steak.

Hippie Driver:
I’m communicating with animals! This is so radical.

Salem:
Just drive, Woodstock boy.

Racine:
Lord have mercy, look at the number of towels!

Boyd:
It’s like there’s one towel for each person!

Great Grandma:
Oh Racine, I know you're unhappy, but it was fair. Now, Hilda and Zelda got the Magic Book, and you got what you chose: all my money.

Sabrina:
They got all of great grandma’s money?

Hilda:
Yep, and they bought a mansion and a jet, and several butlers...

Zelda:
Don’t forget tiaras for Maw Maw.

Hilda:
...And then, all the money was gone.

Racine:
We didn’t just spend it, [proudly] we invested some of it!

Boyd:
Yeah, who knew chihuahua racing wouldn’t take off.

Hilda:
Uh, everyone?

Sabrina:
Why didn't you guys tell me that there's a rule that on Friday the 13th I can tell a mortal I'm a witch?

Hilda:
Oh the one where you can tell anyone you want and they can know for a whole twenty-four hours?

Sabrina:
Yes.

Zelda:
We didn't want you to know.

Hilda:
You really have to get it exactly right the first time; otherwise, there may be side effects. I remember one time I was making rum balls and I got tired, so I made a "Make Everything Round" spell... Well, let's just say you can thank me for Columbus Day.

Sabrina:
So I can’t decide whether I shoot for (a) The computer and the mountain bike, (b) The computer and the ski jacket or, (c) All of the above.

Harvey:
Boy, I’d hate to be there if you got a savings bond...

Libby:
Hi Harvey.

Harvey:
Hey Libby, got any plans for the holidays?

Libby:
Like it matters; I hate Christmas.

Harvey:
What’s your take on Kwanzaa?

Libby:
I usually like all the presents, but this year I have to be around my bratty step-brother, Russell.

Harvey:
[surprised] Really? Your family has a brat in it?

Libby:
Colours with my lipstick, drips chocolate on my stuff and he can cry on cue... [notices Sabrina] What’s your problem, Freak? Hoping Santa will give you a personality this year? [walks off]

Sabrina:
And a crossbow!

Zelda:
We have a problem, our niece Sabrina has a case of Egotitis.

Bob:
Yeah? That’s not your only problem...

Hilda:
It isn’t?

Bob:
Nah - You’ve got one sorry looking Christmas tree.

Sabrina:
It looked better with presents.

Hilda:
Do you realise what you’ve done?!

Sabrina:
What, Bob’s going to sue?

Zelda:
No! He’s Santa Claus!

Sabrina:
[horrified] What?!

Hilda:
That’s right - you’ve just maimed Father Christmas!

Sabrina:
So, I guess I’m not the only one not getting presents this year...

Mrs. Quick:
Mr. Kraft, the students need lunch, and they need it now!

Mr. Kraft:
[digging into his pocket] Well, I have two rolls, a jaw breaker and... [pulls the gum from his mouth and holds it up] some ABC gum and I’m willing to share.

Libby:
Well, I’ll be using me as shorthand for us. I’ve already got the floral design in my head.

Sabrina:
Oh, well I’m glad your butt is working. Oh, I’ll be using butt as shorthand for your head.

Hilda:
Well, Salem... your temperature is alarmingly high

Salem:
[surprised] I'm really sick?

Hilda:
Yes, and that can only mean one thing...

Salem:
More attention and sympathy?

Hilda:
[grins] A nice cold bath!

[Hilda points and a kitty bath appears on the table with ice cubes floating in it]

Salem:
What?! [quickly] I’m feeling better! [Hilda picks him up as the scene switches to an exterior shot of the house] I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

Zelda:
Now there’s something you should know about Dr. Brickman-

[a seven-year-old in a doctor's coat enters, reading a clipboard]

Dr. Brickman:
Hello, I’m Dr. Brickman.

Sabrina:
[to Zelda, sarcastic] Let me guess, he has cold hands?

Zelda:
Don’t worry, he performed his first operation at two.

Dr. Brickman:
I even supervised my own birth - I’m a complete professional.

Sabrina:
Aren’t you trespassing on government property?

Quizmaster:
No, I’m here to inform you that you can expect a very big Witch Exam sometime soon.

Sabrina:
It doesn’t involve changing the earth’s orbit, does it? Because the last time I tried that, a little thing called El Nino happened.

Quizmaster:
Well, I can’t tell you when, but I can tell you where.

[Mr. Kraft walks towards them, writing in a clipboard]

Mr. Kraft:
[to himself] Oh boy, I don’t know why they can’t just accept the misery that should be their lives... [Quizmaster snaps his fingers] Class trip to Florida!

Sabrina:
[delighted] We’re going to Disneyworld!

[the students cheer with her]