Saturday Night Live, Season 35

Madonna:
What the hell is a discostick?

Lady Gaga:
(singing) I think you know.

DJ Dynasty Handbag:
I want you two to behave.

Lady Gaga:
Ok we'll try.

Lady Gaga:
Hey guess what Madonna...I'm totally hotter than you.

Madonna:
Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga's head) I'm totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.

Lady Gaga:
The kind that's #1 on the Billboard charts. (attacks Madonna)

DJ Dynasty Handbag:
I said behave beotches.

Madonna:
You better stop interrupting us

Lady Gaga:
Yeah we're pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)

(Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)

DJ Dynasty Handbag:
I want you two to kiss and make up

Madonna:
Ok

Lady Gaga:
Excellent

Madonna:
You made my ring come off

Lady Gaga:
Sorry

DJ Dynasty Handbag:
Kiss each other

(about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.)

Lady Gaga:
Born in New York, in Lenox Hill of '86 Cheered for the Yankees with my dad in Section 6 And after traveling, just dancing round the world I still prefer a beer and whiskey with my friends on Rivington street ... I miss every little thing about the city Subway trains, the girls are pretty Love the hot dogs on 72nd street They're tasty and they're cheap Was just a waitress on Cornelia Now I'm living my dreams, baby! Singing about my Poker Face New York, It's Saturday night!

Seth Meyers:
This week you didn't need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV. So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it. Let's say you're married and it's the #1 marriage in the country, but then you meet someone else who sweeps you off your feet, so you say to her, "I want to marry you, in five years," and she says, "Yes, I will wait five years to marry you." So then you go home and you tell your current wife, "Honey, in five years we're getting a divorce." Now you might think your current wife would be super cool with that and thank you for being honest, but it turns out she's actually super mad and as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce, she's looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous, so you come up with an awesome plan: you'll still marry the second person, but you'll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife, "Good news! We're totally married, but every night when I get home I'm gonna spend a half hour with my first wife first, but then I'm all yours." And before you even see how she feels about it, you hold a big press conference and tell people you've changed the future of marriage. Now if you think the new wife is cool with this plan, she's not. She's super mad. And the first wife is also acting weird because, you know, you have two wives. But then, just when you think you're stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems: You kill your second wife.

Zach:
I really don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know what I'm talking aboot. Excuse me -- I've been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis...Kilometers Davis. I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She's writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It's pretty good for a girl. I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird...because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea. This woman said to me the other day, "Zach, I like your beard," and I said, "Look, I'm Greek. This isn't a beard. This is part of my eyebrow."[To the band] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [The band joins him] There we go. Sometimes I'll do something and I say to myself, "That is so Raven." And then, other times I'll do something and I'll be like, "That was not very Raven." If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles. I've been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O'Doul's, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He's like, "Son, have you been drinking?" And I'm like, "Uh, sort of." he said, "What have you been drinking?" and I said "O'Doul's, nonalcoholic beer." And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord. I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.

Sarah Palin:
Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor?

Seth Meyers:
Where can tourists go if they're looking for a great time in New York City?

Stefon:
If you're looking for a good time, look no further. New York's hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Trannie Oakley has gone all out, and inside it's just everything-lights, psychos, Furbys, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburned drifters with soap-sud beards...

Seth Meyers:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what?

Stefon:
You know, it's that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.

Seth Meyers:
I...think I know what you mean. But now Stefon, if people, like if a family of normal people were looking to see some of the classic New York sights, you know, like Central Park or places like that, Statue of Liberty, would you have any recommendations?

Stefon:
Yes. New York's hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old pimp Ichi Yakaguru is back with an all-new hot-spot that answers the question: "What?" This place has everything-trants, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people...

Seth Meyers:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could I stop you for a second? What are Teddy Graham people?

Stefon:
It's that think of like, when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly.

Seth Meyers:
Yeah, that's definitely not a thing. You're doing great, Stefon, but again, if we were talking about just regular, run-of-the-mill people, maybe from the Midwest, who were just looking to do something with their kids or their grandparents, if they were coming here, could you recommend someplace that would be fun for them?

Stefon:
New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you're greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. you're at the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything-goths, carnival barkers, groups of guys with Afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants...

Seth Meyers:
What is a human fire hydrant?

Stefon:
You know, it's that thing of when high-waisted midgets have, like...[trying not to laugh] I know, I'm doing great. It's that thing when high-waisted midgets have, like, the red pants and the big ass.

Seth Meyers:
Oh right, that thing. Look, Stefon, we asked you to come here and tell us about the fun touristy things, we were pretty clear on the phone. Places people, regular people could go on a spring weekend.

Stefon:
Right, mm-hmm.

Seth Meyers:
But I have to say the things you described sound like visions a dying gay man might have if he was under too many blankets.

Stefon:
Fair, fair.

Seth Meyers:
But you know what, Stefon? Your heart was in the right place, and I really enjoyed having you here.

Stefon:
Oh, yay!