Smallville, Season 8

Lois:
I can't believe it, one alarm clock malfunction and suddenly you're demoted and sent to deliverance territory. What the hell are you doing here?

Clark:
I'm…

Man:
You know him?

Lois:
Yes.

Clark:
No.

Lois:
He wishes he didn't know me. I thought I dropped you at your cell.

Man:
We'll take him back.

Lois:
And send me to the Sahara? One demotion this week is enough.

Man:
I'll handle him.

Lois:
What are you doing here.

Clark:
I heard they have good espresso.

Lois:
You disappear for a month and come back with a sense of humor?

Clark:
I've been tracking Chloe down, the question is how did you get here?

Lois:
Feminine charm.

Clark:
(scoffs)

Lois:
Yes I do have some.

Clark:
Great job protecting your short supply of it.

Lois:
Why don't you give your stand up a rest and do exactly as I tell you, that way we can find Chloe and stay alive at the same time.

Clark:
You mind not pointing that thing at me?

Lois:
God Clark, I'm not aiming at you. What?! I'm not! Besides it's only your kneecap.

Clark:
Well that makes me feel a lot better.

Lois:
Look I know that you're nervous Smallville but you gotta remember I grew up around green berets and navy seals not cornstalks and jersey cows. So stick with me, I'll protect you, you'll be fine.

Clark:
Chloe.

Lois:
Out of the way Smallville. Chloe!

Chloe:
Lois look behind you, watch out!

Clark:
Oh, I'm sorry is this bothering you?

Lois:
The chair or you in it?

Clark:
Lois, I um… I wanted to say, I thought you did well out there. You really earned your stripes at your dad's boot camp.

Lois:
Thanks. And as for you, you actually surprised me. I mean for your first attempt at heroism.

Clark:
Well I better get going. I'll see you bright and early Monday morning.

Lois:
Woah, woah, why Monday? What do you mean bright and early?

Clark:
Lois. You're the one that gave me the application. You're looking at the newest recruit for the Daily Planet.

Lois:
That's great. What made you change your mind?

Clark:
I guess I wanted to be in the middle of the action.

Lois:
Good for you. So, are you going to be starting down in the mailroom?

Clark:
I'm going to be a little closer to home. Looks like we're going to be neighbors Lane.

Lois:
You gotta be kidding me.

Oliver:
I'd be careful, Clark. Pretty soon, you'll be sporting a homemade costume and leading a double identity just like the rest of us.

Dinah:
You might want to try a little more formfitting.

Lois:
But what's with the wardrobe malfunction?

Clark:
What? This is a nice shirt.

Lois:
Human Resources is going to be down here any minute, and you do not want to meet them looking like... the brawny lumberjack.

Clark:
I'm Clark Kent.

Davis Bloome:
Davis Bloome. I met your fiancée. Clark, congratulations. She's a real catch.

Clark:
I'm getting married?

Davis Bloome:
Well, I thought that-- 'cause I thought you and Chloe were together, and you seemed pretty close. When she said she was engaged...

Clark:
Chloe's engaged?

Davis Bloome:
Oh, man, okay, my brain's completely gone completely D.O.A. Clark, she said she hadn't told anyone yet. Do me a favor. Don't tell her I said anything.

Clark:
I won't reveal my source.

Note:
This is in reference to one of "Lois Lane's Rules to Journalism"

Lois:
Find me a 24-hour market. I need a sports drink, as much vitamin B as you can get your hands on, and one dill pickle. Let's go! Tick tock!

Oliver:
(capturing a centipede) All right, here's the deal. Normally I don't eat anything with more than 99 legs on it, but I haven't eaten in days. Kind of a bummer for both of us, right?

Lois:
You know endorphins? They're hormones that are released when the body performs a certain activity.

Clark:
Like when you play a sport.

Lois:
Or there's another kind of activity two people share, repetitive motion, builds to a climax.

Clark:
Thank you.

Chloe:
(to Clark) Hey. Am I glad to see you. Now that Lois is riding shotgun in your Mystery Machine, your old sidekick's jonesing for a Scooby clue. Let me see that concrete crop circle.

Clark:
(to a hung-over Lois) Don't worry, you got changed all by yourself. In the middle of the kitchen, for like an hour.

(entering the Talon apartment, the morning after)

Lois:
Chloe?

Clark:
Jimmy?

Lois:
You know what Lois likes to see when she comes home? Pants. Pants on everyone.

Oliver:
(walking in on Lois and Clark at the jewelry store) What are you two doing here?

Lois:
Oliver! Uh, didn't get the invitation yet?

Oliver:
Invitation to what?

Lois:
Uh, tell him, cupcake.

Clark:
(shooting Lois a look) Wh... Lois and I are... we're getting married.

Lois:
Oh my God, Chloe, I am so sorry. I mean, I know my face is under "faux pas" in the dictionary, but this is a whole new low.

Chloe:
I would say that this is a close second behind the time you crashed Lana's engagement party. In fact, you may want to start avoiding engagement parties altogether.

John Jones:
Where'd you get this list?

Clark:
I memorized it off Chloe's desk.

John Jones:
I didn't realize that photographic memory was among of your abilities.

Clark:
It's more like speed-reading, but let's not split hairs.

John Jones:
She couldn't just *give* you a copy?

Clark:
Chloe and I don't always see eye to eye on this one.

John Jones:
[refers to Lois] Well, what about your mouthy cohort? She hasn't poked her nose into this one, either.

Clark:
She's on assignment, which is code for "Monster Truck Rally in Lubbock."

John Jones:
And I assume your emerald ally and his super friends are still on hiatus, which leaves you.

Clark:
Solo. I get it.

Lois:
Well, if you like covering robbery and homicide, you've come to the right place. The crime rate's so high there's actually a "no vacancy sign" in front of county jail.

Sebastian:
Really? Metropolis seems like a safe haven compared to some of the places I've covered.

Lois:
Really? Like where, the gates of Hell?

Clark:
Tell me you're sober.

Oliver:
Let me tell you something- I wish I wasn't sober. I can be in a cabana in Aruba right now. Instead, I'm in the middle of downtown on a rooftop with you guys.

Clark:
You didn't hear me complain when I had to put on green leather to protect your identity.

Oliver:
Clark, you made out with my girlfriend, man. What did you have to complain about?

Lois:
I don't do too well with fortune tellers. The last one I went to see, told me I was destined to fall for a guy who flies a lot and likes to wear tights. So I'm just waiting for my cross-dressing pilot to make his landing

Oliver:
Hallmark didn't have any "Welcome back to Earth" cards. So...

Clark:
It's nice to see everyone has a key to this place.

Tess:
Who do you work for?

Green Arrow:
I'm self-employed. It's sort of an occupational safety hazard.

Tess:
Oh. Well, then you know that getting blood out of leather can be a total bitch.

Faora-as-Lois:
You don't recognize me... but you are the spitting image of your father.

Davis:
Okay. Lois, you gotta reason with me. What kind of drugs did you take--pills, powder, paste? Don't tell me you injected anything.

Oliver:
That still doesn't explain how you're hacking into that crystal, Chloe. It's not hooked up to anything, there's no computer here.

Chloe:
Do I tell you how to shoot your arrows? I don't think so.

Chloe:
You know, Oliver, for a guy with three cellphones, you sure are hard to get a hold of.

Chloe:
Jimmy, I'm impressed. You managed to balance out singles, couples, and families while keeping all of the exes at different tables, and still keeping the kids' tables away from the cake. You truly are the Zen master of seating charts.

Jimmy:
More the master of musical chairs.

Jimmy:
You know, speaking of the right person, since you don't have a plus-one tonight, I'd like you to meet one of my friends. Name's Clark Kent. You heard of him?

Lois:
Better wear your bow and arrow, Cupid. That bumbling tadpole is not my Prince Charming.

Jimmy:
Well, maybe you just need to jump his lily pad and plant one on him. Come on. I've seen the way you two look at each other.

Lois:
[scoffs] You need to get your eyesight checked, Olsen. Clark doesn't like me. He likes... driving me crazy.

Jimmy:
Flirtation 101, Lane. I mean, that's what a guy does when he's into a girl.

Lois:
Really?

Jimmy:
Trust me. Lois and Clark would be great together. I can feel it in my gut.

Lois:
Well, take some Ex-Lax, get over it.

Lois:
And remember what the General always says: "Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy." (she pauses) You can edit that last part out, right?

Lana:
So Oliver Queen moonlights as Green Arrow. Does Clark know about you?

Oliver:
I think I can safely say he knows more of my secrets than he does yours. You're not going to tell me you're down here on vacation fishing for marlin, are you?

Lana:
We both know that two hours ago more than 430,000 megagigs of LuthorCorp RAM and ethernet cables were running through this place.

Oliver:
Sounds like we each came here with a score to settle.

Clark:
Hey, it's nice to see the kinder, gentler Chloe.

Chloe:
Nothing like having a binary bad guy cleansed from your system to put a spring back in your step.

Chloe:
You know I gotta say being at the mercy of modern technology really sucks. (Clark gives her a strange look) I know, I know, I'm happy to be Brainiac-free but, my evil upgrade was really... convenient.

Tess:
That's a ballsy move, sitting in the boss' chair. Either you have good news for me, or you like to live dangerously close to the edge. (discovers her guard is dead) I guess it's the latter.

Lana:
(laughing) Please tell me that the bed was already wobbly.

Clark:
Lana, it's made of solid oak. What do you say we find out how strong the floor is?

Lois:
What guns you got in your arsenal?

Clark:
(Sighs)I guess I might as well just throw it all out there. I can blast fire out of my eyes.

Lois:
Okay...

Clark:
I can hear a dog barking from ten miles away. I can see through solid objects and I can run faster than the speed of sound.

Lois:
Wait. Rewind. (discreetly covers herself) Expand on your whole... see-through-things... thing.

Clark:
Did Lex talk to you about me?

Tess:
He kept a journal.

Lois:
Hey! One year closer to the sweet release of death!

Chloe:
How wonderfully morbid.

Zatanna:
Rough birthday, huh?

Chloe:
You ever seen the napalm scene in Apocalypse Now? More fire, less cake.

Zatanna:
I can't ever totally make it up to you or your friends but I would like to try to make sure that something like this doesn't happen again.

Oliver:
Here's a thought... don't do it again.

Chloe-as-Lois:
It's okay. I'm Chloe.

(Clark gives Chloe-as-Lois a skeptical look)

Chloe-as-Lois:
Stood-her-up-at-formal Chloe. Planted-one-on-you-because-Zod-was-ending-the-world Chloe.

(Clark looks even more skeptical)

Chloe-as-Lois:
Krypton, Jor-El, Fortress, Brainiac Chloe!

Clark:
(truth dawning) Chloe!?!

Chloe-as-Lois:
Bingo.

Chloe:
You already know what you really want. We all do. We just don't listen.

Oliver:
And you're sure this is it?

Chloe:
This is where I belong.

Computer:
Aquaman online. Canary online. Cyborg online. Impulse online.

Oliver:
Arrow online.

Chloe:
Watchtower is officially online... let's get to work.

Tess:
What do you do when you find Judas in your midst? Who would Christ have been if Judas had not betrayed him? Maybe we would remember Jesus as only a teacher roaming the desert.

Davis:
I don't quite understand what you're getting at.

Tess:
Without Judas, Jesus would never have risen from the dead to come back and face his greatest challenge: saving humankind. There is a savior among us. You are here to betray him.

Lois:
I'll get my best men on it... and when I say men, I mean me because I work in the basement.

Lois:
Okay, obviously there's been some sort of mistake. It's not like I squeezed into 5" booted heels for my health.

Hostess:
Miss Lane, there's simply nothing I can do.

Lois:
Actually, there is. You can tell Edward R. Murrow that he can kiss this cub reporter's sweet...

Chloe:
Lois!

Lois:
Even when I did lower the bar and tried to slom a Green Arrow interview, it turns out Mr. Emerald-Chaps is another closet case when it comes to publicity.

Oliver:
So the needs of the Cornfield Killer outweigh the needs of the rest of the world, is that it?

Chloe:
Oliver, it's complicated-

Oliver:
Oh, it's complicated, yeah. That's the same thing your psychopathic boyfriend told me.

Tess:
Where the hell are your pants?

Oliver:
Yeah... yeah, I hid my pants.

Lois:
You just want to take over the world with some alien nation.

Tess:
I am trying to save the world.

Lois:
What's wrong with Greenpeace?