Sports Night, Season 2

Dan:
Isaac, you can't work full-time.

Isaac:
I have to.

Dan:
Why?

Isaac:
Because they pay me to.

Dan:
You had a stroke.

Isaac:
Is that what that was?

Dan:
Yes!

Isaac:
I thought it was bad swordfish!

Jeremy:
I deem that the fight is officially over.

Natalie:
Excellent. I deem I'm coming to bed in your tuxedo shirt, high heels and nothing else.

Jeremy:
Excellent.

Natalie:
Tell me women don't have special powers!

Dan:
Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!

Casey:
Either that or a religious bigot.

Dan:
I went to an Ivy League school, Casey.

Casey:
Proud day for Dartmouth, Dan.

Dan:
I made an idiot out of myself in front of Hillary Clinton!

Casey:
Yeah, but at least you had to spend a thousand bucks to do it.

Casey:
I'm known in some parts for my first date. In certain parts I have a rep. There's such a thing as street cred, Dan.

Dan:
Listen to this.

Casey:
Tell them about my street cred.

Dan:
Haha, seriously.

Casey:
Tell them about my rep.

Dan:
You don't have a rep, you don't have street cred. Your last date was 14 years ago and you ended up with marriage and a divorce.

Casey:
In some parts.

Dan:
There are no parts.

Dan:
I have gifts for you.

Dana:
That wasn't necessary.

Dan:
I think it was. You once took a trip to Napa and you visited a small vineyard there. You told me you tried some wine that you loved and could never find it anywhere. I thought I remembered the name but I wasn't sure. Is this it?

Dana:
[surprised] Yes.

Dan:
Good! I always like wine with cheese.

Dana:
I know.

Dan:
I wanted to get you some cheese. There's a great cheese place over on Second Avenue. I went over there after I got the wine but it's gone... there's a hardware store there now.

Dana:
That's okay.

Dan:
I got you some spackle.

Isaac:
Just because we didn't execute all the network's suggestions, doesn't mean we weren't listening, it just means we didn't agree. You didn't expect me to substitute your judgement for mine, did you, J.J.?

Sam:
I've noticed you people have an ability to chatter at someone with energy and enthusiasm regardless of whether they seem interested or not.

Dan:
And that's not just on camera.

Natalie:
Hello.

Jeremy:
Aaah!

Natalie:
Did I scare you?

Jeremy:
No.

Natalie:
Why did you yell?

Jeremy:
I meant to say "hi."

Natalie:
What happened?

Jeremy:
I misspoke?

Dana:
There's no question that there's a way to look at this where... it's my fault.

Jeremy:
What's another way to look at it?

Dana:
There's no other way to look at it.

Dan:
Good evening from New York City. I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories plus Luciano Pavarotti shocks the track world by running the 100 meters in 6 seconds, my mother hits for the cycle, and Martina Hingis sings selections from No, No, Nanette.

Casey:
You're watching Sports Night on CSC.

. . .

Casey:
Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, was 26 for 32 in passing...

Isaac:
How do you think Dana would feel about it?

Casey:
Dana?

Isaac:
Yeah.

Casey:
Ah, who knows with Dana. One day she's up, another day she's down. That's girl's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks in October. The point is... she's standing right behind me, right?

Dana:
I cannot believe you.

Casey:
Wait.

Dana:
You went over my head.

Casey:
I can explain this.

Dana:
How?

Casey:
I went over your head.

Dana:
Casey!

Casey:
Hey, I'm just trying to be courteous, okay? I didn't want to interrupt your dancing.

Dana:
And you just sat there?

Isaac:
It's my desk!

Abby:
Danny, of all the psychological problems you have, and they are myriad, not being able to pronounce Yevgeny Kafelnikov isn't one of them.

Dan:
Then why can't I pronounce it?

Abby:
Because it's a hard name to pronounce.

Dana:
Stand there. I'm gonna sack you.

Jeremy:
Okay, I need just another moment of your time, then you can go back to being crazy.

Dana:
My brother can beat up your brother.

Natalie:
My brother's a grad student in comparative literature. My mother could beat up my brother.

Natalie:
I love you, Danny. You're the best.

Casey:
Hang on.

Natalie:
What?

Casey:
I thought I was the best.

Natalie:
Things change.

Dan:
Honesty for Pixley!

Dana:
Any new word?

Dan:
He's still alive if that's what you're asking.

Dana:
Oh, man.

Natalie:
Dana!

Dana:
Hey, you think there's any chance he was gay?

Natalie:
Dana!

Dana:
It would make a better story.

Natalie:
He's on his death bed.

Dana:
I am about to make this man the most famous 7th place archer in the history of sports. I think the very least he can do is die in a timely manner... and be gay.

Dana:
"Momentarily" does not mean "in a moment."

Chris:
Here's two dissolving to three.

Dana:
It means "for a moment."

Jeremy:
Yes.

Dana:
That makes me crazy.

Jeremy:
We've been wondering what the source was.

Dan:
The one that he wanted was you anyway.

Dana:
Wanted?

Dan:
All this is doing is making him feel a lot less like the man he is, which is why he left Lisa in the first place. I know what he wants, and I gotta say, he's done a pretty good job of going after it, which isn't, like, the most natural thing in the world for Casey to do. And I know what you want, and all I've seen you do is hide behind this psychotic behavior all dressed up as cute. He wanted you, and he told you every possible way he could. You've just been hanging out in the men's room.

Chuck Kimmel:
When it comes to the sweet science I'm not much on predictions, Casey, but I will say this: one of these fighters is gonna win this bout tonight and the other will almost surely not.

Dan:
The Cut Man, goin' out on a limb.

Casey:
Who knows more than we do about boxing?

Dan:
Boxers.

Casey:
Besides them.

Dan:
Boxing experts.

Casey:
Besides them.

Dan:
Boxing fans.

Casey:
Besides them.

Dan:
No one.

Casey:
Damn straight!

Isaac:
A famous monk once said, "I don't always know what the right thing to do is, my Lord, but I think that the fact that I want to please you, pleases you."

Casey:
But you would have preferred a book of famous monk quotations...

Isaac:
No, you put some thought into me. What could be a greater gift?

Casey:
I look like an idiot.

Isaac:
Added bonus.

Natalie:
You're letting him make you crazy.

Dana:
I'm not letting him make me crazy; I haven't given him permission or anything. He does it all by himself.

[after Casey makes a presentation for his son's class]

Dan:
What did you do?

Casey:
I did what I do, Dan. I did what I do.

Dan:
You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth-graders?

Dan:
You can have my first-born son, just take tomorrow night's show.

Casey:
So I'd have to work tomorrow and raise your child?

Casey:
This girl named Lillian I just met said I dress like her father.

Dan:
You do dress like her father.

Casey:
You know Lillian's father?

Dan:
I don't have to know Lillian's father.

Casey:
You're asking me for a favor and mocking me at the same time?

Dan:
You can't see anything right now, can you?

Casey:
No.

Dan:
You're just typing gibberish.

Casey:
Yes.

Dan:
Okay.

Casey:
I'm a little scared of getting trapped in a fire.

Dan:
I understand.

Casey:
Would you help me to safety?

Dan:
If there wasn't anything else better to do.

Casey:
Like what?

Dan:
Save myself.

Casey:
That is why I discourage fraternization in the office.

Dan:
You discourage fraternization?

Casey:
I do.

Dan:
Are you not counting the last year and a half with Dana?

Casey:
I am, as a matter of fact, not counting that.

Dan:
Do you know how anal you are about your books?

Casey:
Uh, I know that Natalie's got your manhood stuffed inside a Prada bag.

Isaac:
Does the porn star know you're this much of a dork?

Dana:
Guess where I've been.

Jeremy:
Church.

Dana:
You see? He knew.

Jeremy:
I was standing right here.

Casey:
You're dating a porn star?

Jeremy:
I have met and spent social time with an actress who appears in adult films, yes.

Casey:
How you manage to make dating a porn star sound like a day at the public library is beyond me.

Natalie:
I broke up with YOU, Mr. "Obviously has a short-term memory loss with a myriad of other problems which I won't even go into but thinks he broke up with me because of the short-term memory loss which is so obvious".

Jeremy:
No need to be formal. I've seen you naked. Call me Jeremy.

Casey:
I'm sorry.

Dan:
Yeah?

Casey:
I'm very sorry.

Dan:
I don't think you are.

Casey:
I am. In fact, I'm so sorry it's almost hard for me to think of different ways to say "bite me."

Casey:
Sounds like you're ready to go for it.

Jeremy:
I am. I absolutely am. I mean, if not now, when? If not me, then who?

Casey:
Later and somebody else?

Jeremy:
I'll go write the pageant.

Dan:
The pageant?

Jeremy:
Well, there are sections of the haggadah that, quite frankly, could use a polish.

Dan:
You're gonna do a rewrite on the haggadah?

Jeremy:
It's not written in stone, Dan.

Dan:
Actually, some of it is.

Natalie:
You dated a porn star and never slept with her?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Natalie:
What a goober.

Dana:
Are you growing a beard?

Isaac:
No.

Dana:
Did you shave this morning?

Isaac:
No.

Dana:
Why?

Isaac:
I like an electric razor.

Dana:
You should buy one.

Isaac:
I have one. I have four.

Dana:
You have four electric razors?

Isaac:
Yes.

Dana:
Why?

Isaac:
I like them.

Dana:
Is your electricity not working?

Isaac:
Esther babyproofed the house.

Dana:
Matthew's here! I totally forgot. When was the last time you saw him?

Isaac:
About nine months ago, before the stroke.

Dana:
Matthew's here!

Isaac:
The kid can't even walk yet - why are we locking the medicine cabinets?

Dana:
Does he crawl?

Isaac:
Not up walls, no!

Elliott:
Dan?

Dan:
Hey.

Elliott:
These are for you. [puts flowers on desk]

Dan:
Elliott, look, last night, seriously, I was talking to Kim. I was doing a little thing.

Elliott:
They're not from me.

Dan:
Like it'd kill you to give me flowers once in a while? [opens card] "R.W." It says "R.W."

Casey:
What else does it say?

Dan:
It just says "R.W." Robert Wagner has sent me flowers.

Dana:
How did you know Time Warner was gonna drop out at 27?

Stranger:
I didn't.

Dana:
You did.

Stranger:
I guessed.

Dana:
You didn't guess, you had information.

Stranger:
I had a lot of information. That's what makes me good at guessing.

Trager:
Anybody who can't make money off Sports Night should get out of the money-making business.

[On air]

Casey:
...with revenge on their minds they welcome the Tigers to the house that Ruth built this evening.

Dan:
Excuse me, Casey, but Ruth didn't build the house this evening, did he?

Casey:
No, Dan, and thank you very much for correcting my every mistake no matter how small, oh these many years.

Dan:
What are friends for?

Casey:
Annoying the hell out of you?

Dan:
Exactly.

Isaac:
Just because we didn't execute all the network's suggestions doesn't mean we weren't listening, it just means we didn't agree. You didn't expect me to substitute your judgment for mine, did you, J.J.?

J.J. Not then, no.

Isaac:
But now?

J.J. Yes.

Isaac:
Will it keep my staff from losing their jobs?

J.J. Excuse me?

Isaac:
If I allow you three to go in there and mess with my show, will it keep my staff from losing their jobs?

J.J. I can't make promises.

Isaac:
J.J.?

J.J. Yes?

Isaac:
I've never liked you.

J.J. I know.

Isaac:
[knocks on desk] We're done.