St. Elsewhere, Season 1

Ehrlich:
Dr. Craig. Napoleon had nothing on that guy. Every time I just think of him, I get my palms sweaty.

Ehrlich:
My Aunt Charisse is in from Forestville, California.

Morrison:
Wine country?

Ehrlich:
What can I say, she's into grapes. She wants to take me out for an evening on the town. Anything I want to do. All I want to do is sleep. How do you ask your aunt to sleep with you?

Craig:
[to Westphall] Do you know what people call this place? Not St. Eligius, St. Elsewhere! A dumping ground, a place you wouldn't want to send your mother-in-law!

Fiscus:
Dr. Samuels has VD. Word is he's infected half the staff, Wendy.

Armstrong:
Don't look at me. I never went out with him.

Fiscus:
That's what they all say.

Ehrlich:
Anything else I can do for you out in the free world?

Morrison:
Drop in on my wife. Tell her I'm alive and being held captive at St. Eligius.

Craig:
I cut when I'm ready! Not tonight, not tomorrow, today!!

Ehrlich:
[as his beeper goes off] The hours, oh, the hours. I used to fantasize about sex. Now, all I dream about is sleep. Losing my rabbit impulses...

Craig:
[talking to media] I am sick of this hospital snidely referred to as 'St. Elsewhere'. Let me tell you something, St. Eligius isn't elsewhere. This is the place to be!

Beale:
You know, they say that paranoids make the very best chess players because with every move, they naturally assume that their opponent is out to get them.

Fiscus:
[referring to his girlfriend Cathy Martin] She's crazy about me! I keep telling her it's only a sexual relationship and nothing more!

Ehrlich:
That's good! Women are suckers for integrity.

White:
We're lucky to have Auschlander around to discuss these things.

Fiscus:
Yeah, it's like Marie Antoinette talking about the inner mechanism of the guillotine.

Auschlander:
I'm 72 years old now and dying of cancer. Ironic, isn't it? A distinguished liver man like myself betrayed by his own liver. With the radiation and the chemotherapy I'd have a slightly better chance, but the nausea, diarrhea, stomach cramps... I'd be septicemic from the skin infections...The slightest cold could easily turn into pneumonia and finish me off in a week...

Westphall:
What are you going to do?

Auschlander:
I'm not sure.

Westphall:
You know what I think?

Auschlander:
Tell me.

Westphall:
You should see a doctor.

[Auschlander laughs]

Beale:
[to Reinhardt] You lack a good, healthy fear of life, Andrew. That's why it's so easy for you to take the lives of others. You have been sheltered and protected for so long that you feel invincible. Well, that sense of invincibility is an illusion.

Fiscus:
Henry Kissinger said it was power... The Marquis de Sade favored whips and chains... Samuels claims it's a thirty to one shot at Suffolk Downs... And speaking for myself and the Urban Psychiatric Institute, the greatest aphrodisiac in the history of Man is high heels.

Nurse:
Baloney!

Fiscus:
That ranks second.

Craig:
Sometimes, I fear I'm not too liked around here. Oh now, Donald, it's all right. I'm not out to win any popularity contests. The work what's important, not the recognition...

Westphall:
Absolutely right.

Craig:
Even though I should have won last year.

Skilling:
My, my, the monsters our children have become! Remember your roots, Doctor Chandler. It was not too long ago the cotton you were picking wasn't from an aspirin bottle!

Fiscus:
[looking around hospital mortuary] It's hard to be comfortable in a room where everybody else is so stiff.

Ehrlich:
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

Fiscus:
Well, I guess you didn't hear then.

Ehrlich:
Hear? Hear what?

Fiscus:
They recalled your class at Brookline Memorial. Instead of teaching you anatomy, they gave you a course on home heating. The bus leaves for the West Coast about nine o'clock.

Samuels:
Yeah, next thing you're going to want to know how to pick up girls. Right?

Kid:
That's easy. You tell them what they want to hear.

[Nurse Rosenthal throws a disapproving glance at Samuels]

Samuels:
I didn't teach him that. I swear. It's intuitive.

Fiscus:
Ehrlich, sitting on concrete, holding a stick with a string dangling in the water and ducking into the woods every time a cop car passes is not fun. Cardiac arrest in the middle of REM sleep, that's fun. Ah, a wino with an EEG of two spikes, that's fun.

Wade:
Nice dress. You know, I've never seen you wear white.

Cathy:
I'm going to a funeral.

Wade:
Cathy, usually people wear black to a funeral.

Cathy:
I've noticed that.

Craig:
You know, that Cummings kid may be a good hospital administrator, but sometimes he can be a real hard nose. I don't like people like that.

Beale:
My uncle Jumbo once said 'Never buy anything from a man who could someday operate on you'.

Beale:
[talking about Jane to Westphall] She spent one very passionate afternoon in the arms of a total stranger and now she's three months pregnant. The problem is, she's only been out of here for two months. Somebody stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

Cummings:
I'm starting to get the impression that you resent taking responsibility for your actions.

Westphall:
No, that's not true at all. I may have overlooked some administrative procedures. I'm sorry if I did but seven people are resting comfortably in isolation right now, three of whom might be dead at this time if we hadn't acted when we did. If I had to do it over, nothing would change.

Rosenthal:
Tell me this chaos will end.

Daniels:
This chaos will end.

Rosenthal:
I don't believe you.

Beale:
[to Westphall] Donald, don't let this stuff get you down. As Coach Bum Phillips once said of Earl Campbell, "You may not be the only one in your class, but it sure wouldn't take long to call roll."

Cavenero:
[upon noticing Ben's cut lip] What happened to you?

Samuels:
Well, today, I learned that Craig can't take a joke and I can't take a punch.

Murray:
You know something, you're a jerk!

Fiscus:
Actually, I'm Lithuanian.

Craig:
[to Ehrlich] Now, I'm going to give you a little motto that the head of surgery, Dr. David Domedian, said to me in my residency: " Going into surgery, wash your hands. When you're coming out, watch your hands ".

Rosenthal:
[seeing water leak from ceiling into bucket on floor] I don't do floors and I don't do ceilings.

Craig:
Listen, Ehrlich, surgeons are like the marines. A few good men and you have to be special to cut it! Sniveling and whining doesn't cut it!

Paxton:
I once gave this lecture to a group of teenagers in Cleveland and I said that the best method of birth control was abstinence...so this girl raises her head and asks if it comes in liquid form 'cause she has trouble swallowing pills.

Morrison:
I'm trained as a doctor, not as a faith healer.

Samuels:
He's not dead until I say he's dead!

Samuels:
You still don't forgive me for leaving you?

Paxton:
Oh, I forgive you, sure. It's a lot harder to forget.

White:
What I did to those people today, what you made me do to those people today was cruel. I've been trying to rationalize it all day in my head but I can't. I raped those people, is what I did. I feel like I was raped myself.

Weaver:
Look, mate, those are the rules of the game. If you don't like it, don't play!

Craig:
It may come as a shock to you, Ehrlich, but you're a doctor, not a delivery boy! No wonder you're four steps behind all the surgery residents around here. You're too busy studying to be an orderly!

Westphall:
Wendy, diagnosis is less of a gamble if you start at the beginning.

Bob Overland:
'[to Craig] You know, there's one thing that you can't do and that's to make new old friends. They're a lot like hearts. It's not that easy to replace them.

Auschlander:
I'm not a child to be clucked over and cared for! I'm not an invalid to be whispered about behind my back! I know better than anyone what's going on inside my body! Please, have the decency to pay me that respect! I've treated hundreds of cases like mine before!

Daniels:
Fiscus, put on your apron! You got a customer.

Fiscus:
Clients, Daniels. Butchers have customers, physicians have clients.

Daniels:
That's what I mean.

Kochar:
[talking to Ehrlich holding a KFC bucket] Victor, would you like chicken part? They do chicken right.

Fiscus:
Dr. Cavenero, I see you're working the halls like everyone else. [gesturing to prostitutes gathered in the hallway] Don't get caught under any red lights.

Vijay:
[looking at woman on operating table] She doesn't look like a prostitute.

Samuels:
Come on, Vijay. We're all selling something. It's just a matter of setting the price.

Morrison:
I guess I never had to be concerned with the big issues of race relations. I always dealt with people one on one. I mean, we're friends aren't we? [silence] Aren't we?

Chandler:
Look, Jack, I'd like to say "Sure. No problem. We're friends. Everything's fine." But I can't. There's things you'll never understand because you're white. I'm not trying to pass judgment but there are things you'll never understand about your wife because she's a woman.

Morrison:
Yeah, but she's still my wife and we're still friends.

[Dr. Ehrlich is hung over after getting embarrassingly drunk at a party thrown by Dr. Craig]

Craig:
I went to a lot of trouble, Ehrlich, and you let me down. Now, I can understand you being nervous or uncomfortable and I've been known to hoist a few in my time but what disappoints me the most is that you are on call today. And I don't think you're capable of doing the work.

Ehrlich:
But I am.

Craig:
Your responsibility is to your patients, damn it. Twenty four hours a day. I thought you were the brightest. I thought you were the best. Now, I'm not so sure any more. [pause] I'll be down in five minutes. I'll drive you to the hospital. :[Mark exits as Ellen walks towards Ehrlich]

Ellen Craig:
Just ignore him, Victor. That's what I do.

Craig:
If you act with authority, people will tell you anything.

Craig:
Your pool was paid for by Crestline, the same corporation that makes the pacemakers that you use exclusively.

Andrews:
That's right.

Craig:
Well now, that might not be a felony, Larry, but at the very least it's a conflict of interest and I know it's more than that. It's a bribe, Larry. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go after you with everything that I've got. It may take day or a month or a year but I'm going to get you unless you save me the trouble.

Andrews:
And...?

Craig:
Get out of my hospital.

Fiscus:
Any communicable diseases?

Nurse:
What would you like?

Auschlander:
My apologies to Hippocrates but sometimes the best cure for all is death.

Fiscus:
Ehrlich, you know what they say about falling off a horse? The same thing goes for a woman.

Barbara Lonicker:
[after shooting stereo playing music] I hate rock and roll!!

Ehrlich:
Wipeout....

Craig:
What do you want?

Barbara Lonicker:
Justice!

Craig:
He did a good job today, Ehrlich.

Westphall:
Yeah. He seemed to handle himself very well.

Craig:
He really measured up to the situation. You know, I'm tough on him day in, day out. And God knows, everything about him grates like sandpaper; the hair, the clothes, the lingo... But he really came through today. I think I'll keep on cracking the whip.

Westphall:
Sometimes, the people closest to a situation have the least amount of insight into it especially when it means they're going to have to recognize something they don't want to see.

Westphall:
[to Anya] Dr. Craig's philosophy is this: The only problem with being on call every other night is that you miss half the interesting cases.

Auschlander:
Now, I know I'm going to die soon and there isn't anything anyone can do about it. But I'd give everything I own, if I could have just one more day... one more minute... to enjoy everything my family has meant to me. And that's why I know... that what you're doing to yourself is absolutely wrong.

Morgen:
Yeah, it's easy for you to say but I bet if you died 20 years ago, you'd have still lived a better life than I ever will.

Auschlander:
Life has dealt us both a bad card but you have many more left in the deck and it's only a fool who wouldn't play out his hand.

Westphall:
You know, in the good old days, when medicine was a gentlemanly profession, people didn't sue their doctors. Nowadays, they're awarding all these huge judgments. The legal climate is...

Hendrix:
Fertile.

White:
Hey, look. Just because you made a mistake with a patient this morning, don't be carrying that around on your shoulders like that's the last mistake you'll ever make.

Chandler:
Look. You don't anything about the case. You don't know anything about anything, so why don't you just shut the hell up.

White:
Why don't you take it easy?

Chandler:
No, you take it easy. You take it easy. You know, you're in no position to make remarks about anything around here, because you don't know anything.

Nurse Daniels:
Dr. Chandler...

Chandler:
You give your patients the wrong antibiotics, you don't know what medications they're on and you write the worst progress notes. You're pathetic. Pathetic! [begins to walk away] And another thing... if it weren't for everybody covering for your mistakes, you would've been gone months ago!

Cavanero:
[to Samuels, who is suffering from a cold] You may be the patient but I am not the cure.

Beale:
Fiscus is regaling us with malpractice horror stories.

Fiscus:
And they're all true.

Chandler:
How come, in all these stories, the hospital never wins?

Fiscus:
Those are the dull ones.

Craig:
So, Ehrlich lost his first patient today. It won't be the last.

Westphall:
Unfortunately.

Craig:
Man can not live on Bearnaise sauce alone.

Fiscus:
My metabolism thrives on discontent. Inactivity breeds discontent.

Craig:
What is it in my personality that bugs people? That bugs you?

Westphall:
Well, I...

Craig:
Come on, come on. Give it to me straight. Don't pull any punches.

Westphall:
Mark, I... What do you...

Craig:
Right between the eyes.

Westphall:
No, really. I...

Craig:
Come on.

Westphall:
Well, you're a little short on tact.

Craig:
Right.

Westphall:
You're rude.

Craig:
Uh-huh.

Westphall:
Prejudiced.

Craig:
Uh-huh.

Westphall:
You're intolerant of people who don't behave in the way you think they should.

Craig:
[less certain] Right.

Westphall:
Now, don't get me wrong. I like you well enough. I really do but, well, you're really a closed, narrow minded, judgmental human being and I don't...

Craig:
That's enough. Thank you, Donald.

Beale:
Castody killed himself a couple of hours ago.

Morrison:
What?!

Beale:
He left a note.

Morrison:
What did it say?

Beale:
"I hope the next world is better than this."

Roberts:
The only reason I ever got involved with you is because we had great sex but ever since you started going heavy into drugs, you're damaged goods.

White:
You're all the same!

Roberts:
It took you no time to move in, Peter. It'll take you even less to move out!

Westphall:
Peter, I'm well aware that you've had more problems this year than anybody deserves but I have to tell you the truth. Every time I look at your evaluation, one thing becomes more and more clear to me. You don't seem to be a very good doctor.

White:
Are you telling me you're thinking of dropping me from the residency program?

Westphall:
It's crossed my mind.

Craig:
Ehrlich, I want to talk to you.

Ehrlich:
I'm sorry.

Craig:
What for?

Ehrlich:
I don't know. Just a conditioned response.

Westphall:
You know, we spend so much time in this place dealing with all kinds of sadness that when we get a chance like this to celebrate a new life, it becomes even more cherished. And now that you're all here I want to thank you for your skill, your dedication and your compassion.

Auschlander:
A toast. To life!

Everyone:
To life!

Dr. Craig:
Mr Broadwater. How are we this morning?

Mr. Broadwater:
Feelin' pretty good.

Dr. Craig:
Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad. Two of the major vessels to your heart, the left anterior descending artery, and the circumflex artery, are 90% obstructed.

Mr. Broadwater:
[stunned] But I feel fine.

Dr. Craig:
You didn't feel "fine" when you had those chest pains walking up a flight of stairs, now did you?

Mr. Broadwater:
Did I have a heart attack?

Dr. Craig:
No, but when we put you on the treadmill, your electrocardiogram indicated ischemia. And the angiography - do you remember when we put the dye through the heart? Revealed obstructions... VERY serious obstructions.

Mr. Broadwater:
[clutches his chest, breathing heavily] 90% obstructed?

Dr. Craig:
[holds up a long rubber tube] Let me show you something, Mr Broadwater - what does this look like to you?

Mr. Broadwater:
A rubber tube.

Dr. Craig:
Arteries are tubes. They carry the blood and oxygen from the heart. Now, bear with me. If we obstruct the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain... [ties a tight knot in the tube] What do you think happens?

Mr. Broadwater:
[gets up unsteadily] I-I don't believe this. I'm only 40 years old here. Doc, you...

Dr. Craig:
[curtly, shouting] You're fat. You smoke. Your father died of a heart attack when he was 42.

Mr. Broadwater:
But Doctor, there must be SOMETHING...

Dr. Craig:
You are walking a tightrope, Mr Broadwater. If it isn't the stairs today, it'll be washing the car tomorrow, or bouncing your little boy on your knee - or, if you're lucky, when you're sleeping.

Mr. Broadwater:
[sits back down weakly] Ohhhh, my dear God.

Dr. Craig:
Now, for the good news. [pause] I'm going to save you.

Mr. Broadwater:
How?

Dr. Craig:
Triple bypass.

Mr. Broadwater:
Surgery?

Dr. Craig:
[nods firmly] We'll give you a few moments to think about it, notify your loved ones. Do I have your complete cooperation? [holds out his hand]

Mr. Broadwater:
[shakes it half-heartedly] I guess so.

Dr. Craig:
Excellent.

[shakes Broadwater's hand, snaps the file shut, and breezes back out without further comment]

Dr. Morrison:
You'll die.

Cora:
[softly] And what if you're wrong? How about that, hm?

Dr. Morrison:
I'm not wrong.

Cora:
Well, suppose you're not. If not... [sadly] ... No big loss.