Stargate SG-1, Season 4

Col. O'Neill:
Where's the fanfare, General?

Maj. Carter:
We did kind of save the planet, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
Again. This should not get old, General.

Gen. Hammond:
Job well done.

Col. O'Neill:
Thank you, sir. It was nothing.

Col. O'Neill:
I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.

Gen. Hammond:
Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.

Col. O'Neill:
[to Jackson, quietly] Bad?

Dr. Jackson:
I wasn't going to say anything.

Teal'c:
The replicators are impervious to Goa'uld technology. They are, however, susceptible to human projectile weaponry. [Davis looks towards Jack confused]

Col. O'Neill:
Guns.

Maj. Carter:
Sir, if there are still a small enough number of replicators on board, a properly equipped team could possibly…

Col. O'Neill:
[sarcastically] Save the world?

Maj. Carter:
Getting old for you, sir?

Dr. Jackson:
[to Thor] Wait a minute, you're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?

Col. O'Neill:
You may have come to the right place.

Gen. Hammond:
Thor, with all due respect to your situation we need SG-1 here.

Maj. Carter:
I could go, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
I don't know, Carter. You may not be dumb enough.

Maj. Carter:
I think I can handle it

Maj. Carter:
Have fun.

Col. O'Neill:
Yasureyabetcha...

Maj. Carter:
We did it!

Thor:
It was your stupid idea.

Thor:
[referring to the Asgard form of food] I like the yellow ones.

Maj. Carter:
[eating one of the yellow pieces, then recoiling in disgust] Oh, my God! [Glances over at Thor] Sorry.

Maj. Carter:
[referring to the Replicators] We kicked their asses!

Col. O'Neill:
They had asses?

Maj. Carter:
The Asgard had this big new ship. The O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
[Smiles excitedly] Oh yeah?

Maj. Carter:
But, we had to blow it up.

Col. O'Neill:
[disappointed] Oh.

Maj. Carter:
Sir, this is the fifth incoming wormhole in the last hour and a half.

Col. O'Neill:
Okay, I'm here two hours early. When did you get in?

Maj. Carter:
Actually, sir, I never left.

Col. O'Neill:
Didn't I order you to get a life?

Col. O'Neill:
[to Teal'c] You've got that look.

Teal'c:
To which look are you referring, O'Neill?

Dr. Jackson:
The one that says, "I have misgivings about this mission but deep down I know we're doing the right thing"?

Col. O'Neill:
No, the other one.

Dr. Jackson:
Oh.

Col. O'Neill:
Next time I tell you to shut up...!

Dr. Jackson:
I didn't hear you tell me to shut up.

Col. O'Neill:
Too subtle for ya?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, for once, yes. Would you hear me out?

Col. O'Neill:
Carter, our standing orders, what are they?

Maj. Carter:
To seek new allies and procure technologies to aid in the defense against the Goa'uld.

Col. O'Neill:
And have we carried out those orders?

Dr. Jackson:
We came here to help them!

Teal'c:
Is that not what we are doing, Daniel Jackson?

Dr. Jackson:
No. Their whole world is in flames and we are offering them gasoline. How is that help?

Teal'c:
We are in fact offering water.

Col. O'Neill:
[to Teal'c] Thank you!

Dr. Jackson:
I was speaking metaphorically.

Col. O'Neill:
Well, stop it! It's not fair to Teal'c.

Col. O'Neill:
So, what's your impression of Alar?

Teal'c:
That he is concealing something.

Col. O'Neill:
Like what?

Teal'c:
I am unsure. He is concealing it.

Anise:
You may call me Anise.

Dr. Jackson:
Anise?

Anise:
It means "Noble Strength".

Dr. Jackson:
I'm Daniel. It means, uh, "God is my judge".

Col. O'Neill:
I'm Jack. It means... What's in the box?

Anise:
Your strength is five times that of a normal human.

Col. O'Neill:
So, no increase then.

Dr. Jackson:
I mean, it's just the most unbelievable, incredible thing I've ever experienced! I mean, I've cross-referenced the symbols on the armband against every written language on Earth in an hour!

Anise:
What did you find?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, nothing… but, you see, the point is… I can read really fast!

[SG-1 are at a local steakhouse, despite having been ordered to stay on base]

Maj. Carter:
So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.

Maj. Carter:
Yes, but that was to save Earth.

Col. O'Neill:
Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, this is a cliché.

Gen. Hammond:
I thought the devices were supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid.

Gen. Hammond:
The report said there was a brawl!

Col. O'Neill:
More of a scuffle, sir.

Gen. Hammond:
You're lucky you didn't kill any of those men!

Col. O'Neill:
No, we were very careful about that, General.

Col. O'Neill:
Should have brought more snacks.

Col. O'Neill:
Just remember, I retired. You wanted me back.

Col. O'Neill:
General, sir, about the obviously impending court martials...

Gen. Hammond:
You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.

Col. O'Neill:
Even so, I'm sorry.

Maj. Carter:
Me too.

Dr. Jackson:
Me three.

[pause, Teal'c glances at the others]

Teal'c:
[smugly] I have no need to apologize.

Gen. Hammond:
Teal'c was actually following orders.

Col. O'Neill:
Of course he was.

Col. O'Neill:
Well, I guess now we can go back and tell General Hammond that the Tok'ra boned us again!

[Stargate is engaged offworld and Bra'tac's IDC is received. Instead of Bra'tac a young woman steps out of the Stargate]

Col. O'Neill:
Bra'tac... you've done something with your hair!

Teal'c:
O'Neill?

Col. O'Neill:
Master Teal'c.

Teal'c:
I am in need of your assistance.

Col. O'Neill:
I'm here to serve!

Dr. Jackson:
Egeria, Roman goddess of fountains.

Col. O'Neill:
Fountains?

Dr. Jackson:
Also childbirth.

Col. O'Neill:
How do those two go together?

Dr. Jackson:
It doesn't matter. She was also adviser to Numa Pompilius, a legendary ruler.

Anise:
Correct, Dr Jackson. Egeria came to the Tau'ri to stop the Goa'uld from taking humans through the Stargate as slaves. Ra found her and killed her, but not before she had spawned our movement.

Maj. Carter:
Literally?

Anise:
Yes.

Col. O'Neill:
Thanks for the image.

Col. O'Neill:
You know this whole talking to two people in one body thing really sucks

[Teal'c has just explained how he is going to stop his heart to communicate with his symbiote]

Col. O'Neill:
Is it dangerous?

Dr. Jackson:
Jack, he's stopping his heart.

Col. O'Neill:
I mean for us!

Freya:
Anise, my symbiote, is far more interested in Dr. Jackson on an intellectual level, but she would have to suffer.

Col. O'Neill:
Look, there are so many reasons this is wrong... and weird... and wrong? Did I mention wrong?

Freya:
Is it because I share my body with Anise?

Col. O'Neill:
For starters.

Freya:
Do you not find me attractive?

Col. O'Neill:
Oh, you're...

Col. O'Neill:
She made a pass at me

Dr. Jackson:
[confused] Sam?

Col. O'Neill:
Anise, Freya, one of them.

Dr. Jackson:
Really?

Col. O'Neill:
The host half.

Dr. Jackson:
Uh, that's odd.

Col. O'Neill:
You're tellin' me. Odd timing, too, don't ya think?

Dr. Jackson:
Yes.

Col. O'Neill:
Apparently, the snake likes you.

Dr. Jackson:
Really? [watches as O'Neill plays with a yo-yo] You know, I think these are the Jack O'Neill moments I'll probably miss the most.

Col. O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Jackson:
What?

Col. O'Neill:
I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter.

Anise:
Why?

Col. O'Neill:
Because I care about her. A lot more than I'm supposed to.

Col. O'Neill:
That's when your genius armbands stopped working.

[O'Neill and Teal'c are wrestling with an alien archaeologist near a control system for an ancient device which he has activated. There is a blinding flash, and we suddenly cut to a shot of O'Neill in the mess hall, holding a spoonful of froot loops. He looks astonished. Slight pause, then cut to a shot of Jackson. He is gesticulating with a fork that has a piece of waffle on the end of it]

Dr. Jackson:
...Anyway, that's just how I feel about it. [pause] What do you think? [he looks expectantly at O'Neill]

[O'Neill looks confused]

Col. O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Jackson:
...What do you think?

Col. O'Neill:
About what?

Maj. Carter:
Something wrong, sir?

[O'Neill looks around, disoriented]

Col. O'Neill:
...Maybe. [Opening titles roll]

Col. O'Neill:
...Weren't we just somewhere else?

Dr. Jackson:
Where?

Col. O'Neill:
Some planet.

Dr. Jackson:
When?

Col. O'Neill:
Just now.

Dr. Jackson:
No.

Col. O'Neill:
Sure?

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah.

[O'Neill looks around, confused]

Col. O'Neill:
...Everything just changed.

[O'Neill correctly sums up what Carter was about to say]

Col O'Neill:
Now, how did I know you were going to say that?

Maj. Carter:
Maybe you read my report?

Dr. Jackson:
[more than a little skeptically] Maybe he read your report? [he narrows his eyes and raises his eyebrows questioningly at Carter]

Col. O'Neill:
Look, General, if it were just me, I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man!?

[pause, shot of Teal'c looking askance at O'Neill in a vaguely insane way, cut back to O'Neill]

Col. O'Neill:
Bad example.

Col. O'Neill:
What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?

Dr. Jackson:
Uh, I do.

[pause]

Col. O'Neill:
Bad example.

[O'Neill and Teal'c have just successfully convinced Hammond, Carter, and Daniel that they're trapped in a time loop]

Col. O'Neill:
Look, I don't know why none of you remember any of this, but I do know for a fact that there's no point in having ol' Doc Frasier examine us again.

[shot of Carter, looking amazed. Pause, then shot of Jackson and Hammond, looking amazed. Pause, then shot of O'Neill looking vaguely hopeful, then cut to...]

[shot from O'Neill's POV- Dr. Frasier is shining a penlight in his eye]

Col. O'Neill:
[with obviously forced patience] I ask you: What could possibly be in my eye that could explain this?!

[shot of Teal'c. A nurse puts a thermometer in his mouth. He glances at her, then sighs, looking resigned]

Teal'c:
O'Neill, should we not be assisting Daniel Jackson with the translation?

Col. O'Neill:
I'm taking this loop off.

[Col. O'Neill starts squirting mustard and ketchup onto an empty plate.]

Col. O'Neill:
I'm telling you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm going to lose it.

[Teal'c raises an eyebrow.]

Col. O'Neill:
Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. [from this point on, he becomes increasingly agitated] Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal... [by now, O'Neill is ranting. He holds up his plate, which now has a crazed mustard-and-ketchup smiley face on it] WACKO!

Col. O'Neill:
You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop, Daniel asks me a question…and I wasn't listening the first time.

Teal'c:
You are not the only one who must experience some discomfort, O'Neill.

[The loop resets to the beginning. Cut to corridor, we see Teal'c get slammed in the face by a door being opened.]

Man:
I'm sorry, sir, I didn't see you there.

Teal'c:
You have said that on many occasions.

Man:
I -- I -- what?

Teal'c:
Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.

[In a later loop.]

Man:
I'm sorry, sir, I ... whoa!

[Teal'c slams the door on the man and walks away with a smirk.]

Dr. Jackson:
So, how many loops have you-have we-been through?

O'Neill:
Uhhh...I've lost track.

Dr. Jackson:
Wow, that's gotta be frustrating...

O'Neill:
[as though Daniel has just stated the very obvious] Uhh...yeah.

Dr. Jackson:
Still, it seems like sort of an opportunity.

O'Neill:
[In a mildly patronizing tone] ...How's that?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, if you know everything's going to go back to the way it was, then you could do anything... [shot of realization dawning on Teal'c] ...for as long as you want... [shot of realization dawning on O'Neill] ...without having to worry about consequences.

[Shots of O'Neill and Teal'c looking at each other, as the full implications of what Daniel has said sink in]

O'Neill:
...Excuse me. [Gets up and leaves]

[Teal'c puts down the chalk he's been using to write on the blackboard, bows slightly at Daniel, and exits]

[A montage of Teal'c and O'Neill goofing off follows:
]

[Shot of O'Neill trying to make a pot on a pottery wheel. He fails and looks at the collapsed pot with disappointment.]

[Shot of O'Neill trying to make a pot on a pottery wheel. He fails and looks at the collapsed pot with disappointment.]

[Shot of an officer in one of the corridors of the SGC. We hear a bicycle bell ring. The officer steps back quickly to reveal O'Neill riding a bicycle towards the camera.] Col. O'Neill:
[As he rides past] Hey, Vern. How's the wife? Officer: [confused] Uh...fine, sir...

[Shot of an officer in one of the corridors of the SGC. We hear a bicycle bell ring. The officer steps back quickly to reveal O'Neill riding a bicycle towards the camera.]

Col. O'Neill:
[As he rides past] Hey, Vern. How's the wife?

Officer:
[confused] Uh...fine, sir...

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are standing on a patch of astroturf in front of the activated Stargate in full golf clothing, holding drivers. Teal'c shoots a golf ball into the gate.] Col. O'Neill:
[appreciatively] Oh yeah! That'll play...How far is Alaris, anyway? Teal'c: [As he tees up a ball for O'Neill to shoot] Several billion miles, O'Neill. Col. O'Neill: That's gotta be a record. [O'Neill shoots a ball into the gate.]

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are standing on a patch of astroturf in front of the activated Stargate in full golf clothing, holding drivers. Teal'c shoots a golf ball into the gate.]

Col. O'Neill:
[appreciatively] Oh yeah! That'll play...How far is Alaris, anyway?

Teal'c:
[As he tees up a ball for O'Neill to shoot] Several billion miles, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
That's gotta be a record.

[O'Neill shoots a ball into the gate.]

[Shot of O'Neill successfully making a pot on the pottery wheel.]

[Shot of O'Neill successfully making a pot on the pottery wheel.]

[O'Neill is once again standing in front of the activated gate in full golf clothing. He begins his swing to shoot the ball into the gate...] Gen. Hammond:
[off, over the speaker] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?! Col. O'Neill: [turns to face the control room, which is behind and above the camera, shouts and gesticulates, frustrated] In the middle of my backswing?!

[O'Neill is once again standing in front of the activated gate in full golf clothing. He begins his swing to shoot the ball into the gate...]

Gen. Hammond:
[off, over the speaker] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?!

Col. O'Neill:
[turns to face the control room, which is behind and above the camera, shouts and gesticulates, frustrated] In the middle of my backswing?!

[Shot of Teal'c getting slammed in the face by the door again. He slams the door shut on the man who opened it and smirks.]

[Shot of Teal'c getting slammed in the face by the door again. He slams the door shut on the man who opened it and smirks.]

[O'Neill enters the control room in civilian clothing] Col. O'Neill:
George. [He hands Gen. Hammond a sheet of paper, pulls up his sleeve and examines his wristwatch] Gen. Hammond: Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform? Col. O'Neill: Handing you my resignation. Maj. Carter: [shocked] Resigning? What for? Col. O'Neill: [looking at his watch and obviously measuring his words to coincide with the end of the time loop] So I can do...this. [He kisses Carter deeply just before the loop repeats]

[O'Neill enters the control room in civilian clothing]

Col. O'Neill:
George. [He hands Gen. Hammond a sheet of paper, pulls up his sleeve and examines his wristwatch]

Gen. Hammond:
Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?

Col. O'Neill:
Handing you my resignation.

Maj. Carter:
[shocked] Resigning? What for?

Col. O'Neill:
[looking at his watch and obviously measuring his words to coincide with the end of the time loop] So I can do...this. [He kisses Carter deeply just before the loop repeats]

[O'Neill is in the mess, sitting with Daniel and Carter. He is eating oatmeal with obvious relish]

Dr. Jackson:
I don't think I've ever seen anyone enjoy oatmeal so much.

Col. O'Neill:
When you've been eating Froot Loops for who knows how long, a little variety helps.

Maj. Carter:
We got a message from the Tok'ra. Apparently they've been trying to contact us for over three months.

Col. O'Neill:
Really?

Maj. Carter:
Who knows when they first realized we were cut off? I mean, there's really no telling how much time passed.

Dr. Jackson:
Let me ask you something. In all the time you were…looping, were you ever tempted to…do something crazy? I mean, you could do anything without worrying about consequences.

Col. O'Neill:
You know, it's funny, you've asked me that before. [looks at Carter]

Dr. Jackson:
[Looks at Carter and smiles, then looks back at O'Neill] ...And?

[O'Neill just looks at Carter, smiles, and takes a bite of oatmeal. Fade to credits.]

Col. O'Neill:
You know what they say, General. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try again.

Col. O'Neill:
How do you know that?

Dr. Markov:
I have read extensive files on each of you.

Col. O'Neill:
How?

Dr. Markov:
I learned to read English when I was six. It was not difficult.

Col. O'Neill:
…Russian humor.

Col. O'Neill:
If I say "What?" and you say "It's classified," I'm gonna shoot you.

Dr. Markov:
If you're implying that everything Russian-made is of poor quality, the sub is Swiss.

Dr. Jackson:
So it occasionally catches fire but keeps perfect time? [pause] Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.

...

Dr. Markov:
The gauge must be malfunctioning.

Dr. Jackson:
But it's Swiss.

Col. O'Neill:
[upon seeing the frozen Maybourne] Holy frozen bad guy!

Teal'c:
Do not humans usually die when they are frozen?

Col. O'Neill:
Usually.

[The frozen Mayborne breathes out]

Col. O'Neill:
They usually don't breathe when they're dead either.

Dr. Jackson:
Can we stop agreeing on how we're going to die and start doing something about it?

[About parachuting from a plane]

Teal'c:
This does not seem wise, O'Neill!

Col. O'Neill:
I said it was easy, not wise.

[O'Neill is standing with others in front of the Stargate that the Russians have been experimenting with, and the gate begins to activate.]

Col. O'Neill:
I think we should...

[the gate is about to open]

Col. O'Neill:
DUCK!

[gate opens overhead]

[Chaka, a juvenile Unas, has captured an exhausted Dr. Jackson and is dragging him through the woods]

Dr. Jackson:
Okay, I know it seems completely unlikely that you understand a word I'm saying but, uh, I've gone about as far as I can go at this particular pace, so, with your permission, I'm going to fall down now. [collapses]

Chaka:
[glares]

Dr. Jackson:
Rest! This is a thing you should, uh, become familiar with. Rest… It means, uh… "rest."

Chaka:
[growls]

Dr. Jackson:
That's close. Try again: "grrrrest."

Dr. Rothman:
It's not my thing.

Col. O'Neill:
What isn't?

Dr. Rothman:
People. I mean, give me a million-year-old fossil and I'll tell you what it had for breakfast, but I'm not too good at people. They're too recent.

Dr. Jackson:
This is nothing you should be worried about. It's just a radio. It's so that my friends can come find me… and shoot you.

[Teal'c has handcuffed O'Neill, along with the rest of the rescue team, believing that one of them may be a Goa'uld.]

Col. O'Neill:
Okay, anyone with a snake in their head, raise their hand. [One of the marines that they're with snaps his handcuffs apart (raising his hand) as his eyes glow]

Col. O'Neill:
Damn!

Teal'c:
Trust in me, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
What if I'm not O'Neill?

Teal'c:
Then I was not talking to you.

[an Unas alpha is approaching Jackson, clearly with the intent of attacking him. SG-1 raise their weapons]

Dr. Jackson:
Kaa kedka! [he cowers somewhat; the Unas stops short, surprised that Jackson speaks his language]

Maj. Carter:
What did you just say?

Dr. Jackson:
I think I just asked him not to kill me.

Col. O'Neill:
And they're buying that?

Dr. Jackson:
[as the Unas alpha begins to growl] No, I don't think so.

[Chaka is trying to get Daniel to eat the head of a dismembered Goa'uld symbiote]

Chaka:
Nan! [He tosses the head in Daniel's direction. It lands in the dirt near Daniel's feet]

Dr. Jackson:
Ka. [He picks up the head and tosses it back]

Chaka:
Nan. [He tosses the head back to Daniel. This back-and-forth head tossing continues throughout the following interchange, Chaka growing visibly amused throughout]

Dr. Jackson:
Ka.

Chaka:
Nan.

Dr. Jackson:
Ka.

Chaka:
Nan.

Dr. Jackson:
Right. Uh, yes, uh, toss the symbiote head, that's very, very popular. Very, very interesting...Yes, all the kids are doing this...

[Dr. Jackson throws the symbiote head into the fire.]

Dr. Jackson:
[With poorly-feigned disappointment] Oh! Look out... it's in the fire...

Col. O'Neill:
Took you long enough!

Teal'c:
You are welcome O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
Hey, what have you got?

Maj. Carter:
The analysis of the atmosphere in the wake of the ship shows a high incidence of Sulphur Dioxide.

Col. O'Neill:
Chemical warfare?

Maj. Carter:
I don't think so sir. Take a look at this.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh yeah! Little fuzzy orange things!

Maj. Carter:
They're Microbes, sir...

Maj. Carter:
The question is, will they listen?

Col. O'Neill:
No, the real question is, will they have ears?

Col. O'Neill:
I remember something. There was a man. He's bald and wears a short-sleeve shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.

Col. O'Neill:
I dreamed about mining...naked.

Dr. Jackson:
You know, I've never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have donuts or something?

Martin Lloyd:
A top secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a Stargate!

Col. O'Neill:
Sounds like a good idea for a TV show…if you're into that sort of thing.

Maj. Carter:
Does anyone know what this meeting's about?

Dr. Jackson:
No but I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P30-255.

Maj. Carter:
I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3KA's sensors for long term reconnaissance on P5X-327.

Teal'c:
I was unable to complete my Kel no'reem.

Col. O'Neill:
[after a pause] I was just about to...do...something important.

Martin Lloyd:
Colonel, let's not play games. If it isn't true then why did you come here?

Col. O'Neill:
The truth! There is a top-secret government program called project Stargate.

Martin Lloyd:
I knew it!

Col. O'Neill:
But it has nothing to do with space travel.

Martin Lloyd:
What does it have to do with?

Col. O'Neill:
[conspiratorially] Magnets!

Martin Lloyd:
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Col. O'Neill:
[dramatically] No…I've already said too much!

Martin Lloyd:
So, you still don't believe me? I'm an Alien!

Col. O'Neill:
You look pretty human to me.

Martin Lloyd:
I can't explain it Colonel, I just have a gut feeling, like we have something in common.

Col. O'Neill:
Well, that's very flattering, but I'm not an alien.

Dr. Jackson:
Something tells me we don't need to worry about this guy.

Maj. Carter:
Except for the fact he happens to be very close to the truth.

Dr. Jackson:
Oh, Hello! Sam, you're gonna wanna…take a look this!

Maj. Carter:
Whoa, that's quite a collection! Tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. Looks like our friend here has been treated for a number of different psychiatric problems.

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, why doesn't that surprise me?

Col. O'Neill:
How do ya lose a spaceship?

Martin Lloyd:
Well, my memory isn't so good. Sometimes, I get a little confused. I think it might be the medication.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, well, there ya go.

Martin Lloyd:
You don't understand!

Col. O'Neill:
I get that a lot.

[Daniel reading Martin's diary]

"April 12:
Someone has gone through my garbage. Suspect CIA. Must take precautions. May 2: Comb missing. Suspect CIA has stolen it to acquire genetic identification. Uh…June 26: Comb found behind dresser. Disposed of it in case of tampering, bought new comb 39 cents at shopmart."

Martin Lloyd:
Don't ya wanna know how I found you?

Col. O'Neill:
Uh… OK!

Martin Lloyd:
In your car, I noticed a map of the Sleep-Rite Motel Chain. I checked every one in town.

Col. O'Neill:
There's two!

Martin Lloyd:
I'm surprised a man in your position wouldn't take more precautions to maintain your cover.

Col. O'Neill:
Marty I'm not undercover!

Martin Lloyd:
You think I'm making this all up. Look at this.

[Martin shows O'Neill a broken toothpick, O'Neill takes it and looks at it]

Col. O'Neill:
Yes… It all makes sense now.

Martin Lloyd:
You think I'm so stupid, I go out my own front door?

Martin Lloyd:
Can I come out now, Murray?

Dr. Jackson:
But… it doesn't look like anyone's place of work, there's… no one here.

Maj. Carter:
Except for the guys with guns!

Man:
OK. Let's keep this simple! Who are you?

Maj. Carter:
Who are you?

Man:
We're the guys with the guns, which means you answer our questions!

[Carter and Jackson are being interrogated by 3 aliens who are attempting to live on Earth incognito. They show Carter and Jackson a thermal scan of Teal'c which clearly shows his symbiote]

Dr. Jackson:
Oh, that's very good! Did you draw that yourself?

Maj. Carter:
What is it?

Dr. Jackson:
That… That's a duck, isn't it?

Major Davis:
Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, allow me to introduce Lieutenant General Vidrine.

General Vidrine:
Colonel.

Jack O'Neill:
General.

General Vidrine:
Major.

Maj. Carter:
General.

General Vidrine:
Doctor.

Dr. Jackson:
General.

General Vidrine:
General Hammond has told me nothing but good things.

Jack O'Neill:
Has he, Sir? [Joking] Well, then I'm sure he's left something out.

General Vidrine:
Such as?

[O'Neill's smile drops]

Jack O'Neill:
[Into Radio] Teal'c? Ya there, buddy?

O'Neill:
(out of it due to lack of oxygen) Jacob, you know your ship's bigger than ours?

General Vidrine:
How does she fly, son?

Teal'c:
The vehicle performed within expected parameters.

Jack O'Neill:
Woohoo! [Vidrine and Hammond look at him, stunned] Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

General Vidrine:
In all seriousness, if that's all right with you, Colonel? How effective can a single fighter be against a potential fleet of Goa'uld warships?

Teal'c:
That is what these tests endeavour to determine.

General Vidrine:
Let's find out. What's next?

Jack O'Neill:
I take second seat for an air-to-air live fire test.

General Hammond:
Our SGC control room will serve as Mission Control, Sir.

General Vidrine:
Light that candle, boys.

Jack O'Neill:
Yes, Sir.

[Teal'c and O'Neill head back to the glider.]

Teal'c:
Does General Vidrine wish to perform some sort of candle-burning ritual?

Jack O'Neill:
Yes, that's it, exactly.

[Jack O'Neill and Teal'c are in the X-301. The glider has been taken over by an auto-pilot mechanism.]

Major Davis:
[Over the radio]: Jack or Teal'c, please respond.

Jack O'Neill:
Flight, Digger One. We read you. We have lost control of the craft to some sort of hidden recall device that apparently the scum-sucking, slimy, snake-ass Apophis installed in his death gliders. Over.

Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]:
Maktal shree! Loktak mekta satak...Oz!

Goa'uld (presumably Heru-ur):
Maktal Oz?

Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]:
Maktal Oz, kree!

Goa'uld:
Kaltak shree, tal manak!

Jacob:
Alright, we're almost finished, Sam's just finishing up.

Dr. Jackson:
Uh...that's good 'cause I don't think they bought my act.

Jacob:
Why? Who'd you say you were?

Dr. Jackson:
The uh...Great and Powerful Oz.

Jacob:
...SAM!

Dr. Jackson:
We were hoping you could kinda... um, like... beam them out.

Jacob:
Beam them out? What am I, Scotty?

Teal'c:
We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

Col. O'Neill:
Just so we're clear on this, sir, it's gonna be me, Teal'c and the great outdoors. That means no cellphones, fax machines, not another living soul for miles. We'll be unavailable, inaccessible.

Gen. Hammond:
Incommunicado.

Col. O'Neill:
Minnesota, sir.

Gen. Hammond:
I stand corrected.

Col. O'Neill:
If there's an emergency at the base, better plan ahead and tell me now. If Thor needs me, he's gonna have to beam me up. If it's the Tok'ra... forget it!

Teal'c:
There appears to be no fish in this pond O'Neill

Col. O'Neill:
T... It's not about the fish themselves...the fish are not important in this context. It's about fishing... the act of.

Selmak:
One enemy is easier to target than many. Our spies believe that Apophis has agreed to the meeting because he is willing to use such an alliance to topple the system lords. Afterwards, he will deal with Heru-Ur. If he succeeds...

Col. O'Neill:
Galactic badness! Huge!

Col. O'Neill:
Ah! Wait a minute! Just... stop, hold it. If you're about to say you're gonna explain along the way , I'm gonna lose it! I've just about had it with the way the Tok'ra do business. I wanna know EXACTLY what we're dealing with here. Every mission detail you've got right now, or we go nowhere!

Jacob Carter:
[Smiling] I was gonna tell ya, Jack.

Col. O'Neill:
[Quietly] Ok. Never mind.

Jacob Carter:
Obviously, I'm gonna need Dr. Jackson, and there might be some complicated mathematical calculations to be done, Sam would be a big help, too. [Jack clears his throat] Of course, Colonel O'Neill is --- always fun to have around.

Col. O'Neill:
[sarcastically, picking up books Jackson dropped] Sure you got everything?

Dr. Jackson:
Wanna try to reprogram that mine without the proper translation?

Col. O'Neill:
Thought of a laptop?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, I had one, I just couldn't get Beck's Ancient Phoenician Symbology on CD at archeology.com, so…

Col. O'Neill:
[pushes Jackson's glasses back up his nose]

[Jackson and Carter are reading Jackson's books while O'Neill plays with his watch]

Col. O'Neill:
Do you understand any of that?

Maj. Carter:
It's all Phoenician to me, Sir.

Maj. Carter:
Looks like a circle with a cross in it.

Dr. Jackson:
Uh, that could be it.

Maj. Carter:
Okay, what do I do?

Jacob:
Pretty sure you touch it.

Col. O'Neill:
Pretty sure???

Jacob:
Last time a Tok'ra was sent to attempt this we never heard from him again.

Col. O'Neill:
Well that's news!

[Carter stares at her father, seemingly a bit scared]

Dr. Jackson:
No, I think that's it.

Maj. Carter:
You THINK?

Dr. Jackson:
Okay I'm... I'm sure that's it.

[Carter moves carefully, preparing to touch the symbol on the mine]

Dr. Jackson:
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!

[Carter flinches back, startled]

Col. O'Neill:
HEY!

Dr. Jackson:
No, no, sorry. Uh, that's it, I'm sure.

[Carter and Jackson are trying to reprogram a mine]

Maj. Carter:
Uh, it's flashing green. Green is good?

Dr. Jackson:
No.

Maj. Carter:
Bad?

Dr. Jackson:
Bad.

Maj. Carter:
How bad?

Dr. Jackson:
Very, very bad.

Maj. Carter:
DAD!

[Carter and Jackson are trying to deactivate the mine from exploding in the Cargo ship]

Jacob:
Try!

Maj. Carter:
What does Selmak say?

Jacob:
Try again!

[Jackson stares at Jacob, blinking]

Dr. Jackson:
Very helpful, thanks!

Teal'c:
On Chulak, when a great warrior retires from the field of battle it is custom to sing a song of lament. [Hammond looks at him expectantly] Fortunately, we are not on Chulak.

Maj. Carter:
So what do we know about this new guy?

Col. O'Neill:
Not much.

Dr. Jackson:
I hope he's not a spit-and-polish, brass tacks...

Col. O'Neill:
[Interrupts him] Hard-ass?

Dr. Jackson:
I was building up to that

A few moments later after Major General Bauer has delivered a very terse introduction of himself to the SGC Personnel

Col. O'Neill:
Always leave 'em wanting more... I guess.

Col. O'Neill:
May I remind you that if it weren't for SG-1, you'd be sitting here with a snake in your head instead of your head up your a-

Gen. Bauer:
[Visibly angry] Colonel!

[O'Neill and Maybourne enter Maybourne's safehouse apartment. It is almost completely empty. O'Neill surveys the living area dispassionately]

Col. O'Neill:
[after a pause] Have ya heard of IKEA?

[Maybourne goes to a small refrigerator. He opens it, revealing that it contains lots of beer and a bottle of mustard.]

Col. O'Neill:
I see you're on that famous Beer and Mustard Diet. How's that working out for ya?

Col. O'Neill:
[to Mrs. Kinsey] Afternoon ma'am. I'm Mr. Starsky and this is… Hutch (referring to Maybourne).

Col. O'Neill:
I'm not leaving until I get what I came for.

Sen. Kinsey:
Oh, and what are you going to do?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, I was thinkin'... [he draws his sidearm and points it at Kinsey] ...about shootin' ya.

Maybourne:
Jack. What are you doing?

Col. O'Neill:
Gettin' a little dirty for ya Maybourne?

Sen. Kinsey:
Colonel, have you completely taken leave of your senses?

Col. O'Neill:
I've been hanging around Maybourne. What does that say?

Sen. Kinsey:
How dare you come into my house waving a gun!

Col. O'Neill:
Not waving! Pointing! Sit down.

[Kinsey sits down.]

Col. O'Neill:
[Gesturing with his sidearm] I'll give you a choice. White meat, or dark meat

Sen. Kinsey:
Given the chance, half of all American citizens won't even vote, and the half that do vote are too stupid to know what they're doing.

Col. O'Neill:
Which explains how you got elected.

Dr. Jackson:
Uh... the sun's beeping.

[Teal'c and another Jaffa are attempting to pass through a security checkpoint, but the guard tells them to hand over their staff weapons]

Teal'c:
We carry these for ceremonial purposes only.

Guard:
I'm sorry, but you'll have to let me have it.

Teal'c:
Very well. [shoots the guard]

Maj. Carter:
So this is the place you kept threatening to take me. It's good to see you, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
I'm retired, Carter. Lose the "sir".

Maj. Carter:
It turns out we made a mistake. A big one.

Col. O'Neill:
Which one? We made a few.

Maj. Carter:
Our alliance with the Aschen.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh, that. Not working out, is it? Gosh, I wish I'd seen that coming. Oh, wait…I did see that coming.

Col. O'Neill:
Well let me tell you something, Carter you want to erase your mistakes, that's your business. My conscience is clear. I warned everybody. I threw up the red flag and everyone, including you, shut me down.

Maj. Carter:
I'm asking you to put that behind us...

Col. O'Neill:
You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that... Personally, I like things the way they are. No more saving the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog...(beat) There're a lot of pros and cons to consider...

[Sgt. Harriman leaves the briefing room, pretending he didn't see SG-1 planning there]

Maj. Carter:
Thank you.

Dr. Jackson:
Thank you.

Sgt. Harriman:
Thursday!

[Daniel Jackson introduces Gen. Hammond to Shifu, the Harcesis child]

Gen. Hammond:
Welcome to Earth.

Shifu:
A spark lights a flame, but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.

Col. O'Neill:
If I may, sir. I think what he means is the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensibly a great leader, like yourself, is essential to the... whole ball of wax. Basically, what it means is that it's always better to have a big, long wick. Right?

Dr. Jackson:
Don't look at me.

Col. O'Neill:
It's right, though? Right?

Maj. Carter:
Sir, we've received word from the Tok'ra.

Col. O'Neill:
[annoyed] Did we really have to call them?

Shifu:
If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour.

Dr. Jackson:
The music does not play the musician.

Shifu:
Normally there is truth in that.

Dr. Jackson:
Really? Good. Cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

Dr. Jackson:
Something on your mind?

Col. O'Neill:
Your behavior, as a matter of fact.

Dr. Jackson:
What about it?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, for starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?

Dr. Jackson:
Actually, the Pentagon.

Shifu:
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Dr. Jackson:
Oma teach you that?

Shifu:
Television.

Dr. Jackson:
Glad I've been such a positive influence.

Shifu:
Oma teaches the true nature of man is decided in the battle between the conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious, Oma teaches the evil of my subconscious is too strong to resist. The only way to win is to deny it battle.

[Jack is coming to visit Samantha in the jail]

Maj. Carter:
I have talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my e-mails, even my letters.

Col. O'Neill:
Because they think you're nuts.

Maj. Carter:
What are we looking for?

Col. O'Neill:
The 'off' switch.

Dr. Jackson:
What is wrong with this thing? This thing isn't working.

Col. O'Neill:
Did you check the batteries?

Daniel:
From what I've been able to translate so far with Loren's help, the Goa'uld used to use this place as some sort of, opium den. The only difference is their symbiotes must have kept the host's mind chemically balanced once they left.

Teal'c:
Then it is most likely I will be able to leave this planet.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh how nice for you.

Col. O'Neill:
[enters Loran's room] Nice digs. Kind of reminds me of my first apartment. How are the people upstairs?

Col. O'Neill:
How long were we standing here?

Daniel:
I'm not sure. Long enough to figure out how to translate the writings on this thing, so...

Col. O'Neill:
That long?

Daniel:
Yeah, well, perception of time is one of the first things to go when you're... high.

Teal'c:
[Holding up a toy gun] Children of the Tau'ri are also fond of colorful weapons that do not function.

Maj. Carter:
Be a good excuse for you.

Col. O'Neill:
Huh?

Maj. Carter:
To do nothing for a while.

Col. O'Neill:
What?

Maj. Carter:
Forget it.

Col. O'Neill:
That would be forget it SIR.

Maj. Carter:
Oh please, you think I'm keeping that up if we're stuck here forever?

Col. O'Neill:
Listen Major.

Maj. Carter:
No way.

Col. O'Neill:
That's no way COLONEL.

Maj. Carter:
I'm supposed to accept that. That's the way it's gonna be?

Col. O'Neill:
That's the way it is.

Maj. Carter:
What difference does it make. It's not up to you.

Col. O'Neill:
Carter! You're in withdrawal.

Maj. Carter:
Oh I'm in withdrawal?

Col. O'Neill:
Yes. So am I.

Teal'c:
Are you ready, O'Neill?

Col. O'Neill:
No. Give me a warning.

Teal'c:
I am going to shoot you.

Col. O'Neill:
I was thinking more along the lines of "on three." One-

[Teal'c shoots O'Neill with a Zat'nik'tel. O'Neill falls to the floor]

Col. O'Neill:
[in pain] Two!...God, I said on three. God.

[O'Neill enters General Hammond's office. Hammond is having a discussion with General Michael E. Ryan.]

Col. O'Neill:
I'd like to talk to you about this mission upon which we're about to embark. It seems... a bit ridiculous, doesn't it?

[General Hammond does not respond. After a short pause, O'Neill turns to General Ryan]

Col. O'Neill:
So what brings you to our little secret base, sir?

Gen. Ryan:
That would be the ridiculous mission you just mentioned.

[Slight pause, O'Neill looks uncomfortable]

Col. O'Neill:
The General Ryan?

Gen. Ryan :
I've read a lot about you Colonel.

Col. O'Neill:
[tentatively] Yes, Sir?

Gen. Ryan :
Thus far we like your work.

Col. O'Neill:
Thank you Sir! I like yours. Your Air Force. The Air Force. I love the Air Force...

Gen. Hammond:
Anything else, Colonel?

Col. O'Neill:
No, sir. Well, actually, I'd like to know how Daniel and Carter got out of this...very important mission.

Hamilton:
Colonel O'Neill doesn't have a clue what we're trying to accomplish here, he's too busy polishing his M16.

Col. O'Neill:
Actually, it's a P90.

Hamilton:
When I agreed to this assignment I was under the impression that I was going to be in charge.

Col. O'Neill:
You are in charge. Of the other scientists.

Maj. Carter:
What were you thinking, breaking the nose of an upperclassman like that?

Cadet Hailey:
Aim high?

[Carter and Hailey come through the Stargate as O'Neill greets them]

Maj. Carter:
Sir, I'd like you to meet Cadet Hailey.

Col. O'Neill:
Cadet. Welcome to 862. How was your trip?

Cadet Hailey:
[in shock] It was a...a trip, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
It always is.

Cadet Hailey:
I've been going over Dr. Thompson's astronomical observations. Did you know this moon wasn't even formed from the original accretion disk of the planet?

Col. O'Neill:
No, but I suspected.

Jack O'Neill:
As soon as I get the Gate open, head straight for it. Don't bring anything with you.

Dr. Hamilton:
Oh no we can't leave behind weeks of research.

Jack O'Neill:
Carter, if he so much as brings a file folder, shoot him!

Maj. Carter:
Yes Sir.

Col. O'Neill:
[To Teal'c] You look tense.

Dr. Jackson:
No, I'd say anxious.

Teal'c:
I am neither tense nor anxious. Perhaps concerned.

Gen. Hammond:
What's it doing? [About the MALP]

Maj. Carter:
Flying, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
MALPs can't fly.

Dr. Jackson:
Apparently they can.

Col. O'Neill:
Shouldn't there be a memo on this stuff?

Dr. Jackson:
They may be trying to communicate.

Col. O'Neill:
They?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, whoever they are.

Col. O'Neill:
Exactly.

Dr. Jackson:
What?

Col. O'Neill:
For the record Sir, I want to blow it to hell, these folks wanna chat with it.

Col. O'Neill:
Any idea what that was?

Maj. Carter:
None, Sir. The secondary systems are up and running but that was one hell of an EM spike. I'd like to run a full systems diagnostic on the main computer.

Dr. Fraiser:
Yeah, after I treat this hand.

Maj. Carter:
As soon as I get the systems up…

Dr. Fraiser:
It is a very bad burn, Sam.

Maj. Carter:
Five minutes.

Dr. Fraiser:
Now!

Col. O'Neill:
Do as the Doctor says.

Maj. Carter:
Yes, Sir.

Dr. Fraiser:
Thank you Colonel. You, Daniel and Teal'c are next.

Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson:
What? We're…I'm fine.

Dr. Fraiser:
Yeah well I would like to be the judge of that. Some form of energy came through the Stargate. I think it's only prudent to make sure there are no physiological effects to those exposed. ASAP.

Col. O'Neill:
Who put her in charge?

Gen. Hammond:
The US Air Force.

Teal'c:
In medical matters, Dr. Fraiser may overrule those of any rank.

Col. O'Neill:
I'm not getting all my memos.

Gen. Hammond:
Teal'c, do you recognize any of this?

Teal'c:
I do not, General Hammond.

Gen. Hammond:
Daniel?

Daniel:
I don't recognize it either

Col. O'Neill:
Nope, neither do I. [Everyone looks at him] I'm just sayin'.

Col. O'Neill:
[About the real time transmission by the alien lifeform on the screen] Do I look fat?

Col. O'Neill:
[To the security camera controlled by the alien] Come here often?

Col. O'Neill:
[O'Neill is moving in front of the camera, the camera is following his moves] I think it likes me.

Siler:
Stand by for a base wide systems power down. Powering down.

Col. O'Neill:
[everything shuts down and the camera stops following O'Neill] Hey!

Col. O'Neill:
Carter! Emergency lighting?

Maj. Carter:
In the MALP room, yes, sir, a small power usage anomaly. General Hammond said we should check it out before we resume normal operations.

Col. O'Neill:
Forget to change a light bulb, Siler?

Siler:
Not my job, sir. Yes sir, light bulb, very amusing.

Dr. Jackson:
It's obviously fighting to survive.

Col. O'Neill:
So do bacteria.

Maj. Carter:
It's trying to communicate.

Col. O'Neill:
So do bact…

[Hammond walks in and sees the Entity's construction]

Gen. Hammond:
What in God's name?!

Col. O'Neill:
Well, General, whatever got into our computers apparently has built a nest.

Maj. Carter:
What's wrong Harlan?

Harlan:
Oh please yes, it is a very big emergency. You must help... you.

Gen. Hammond:
Colonel O'Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.

Col. O'Neill:
Yes sir.

Gen. Hammond:
Then it would seem your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.

Jack O'Neill:
Listen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry about what's happened here.

Clone O'Neill:
Oh I'm sure that makes him feel better.

Jack O'Neill:
Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Clone O'Neill:
Same thing you do. Only better.

Jack O'Neill:
What does that mean?

Clone O'Neill:
Better? It means bet-ter, stronger, faster.

Jack O'Neill:
You're not me and you don't work for the Air Force.

Clone O'Neill:
No. But that doesn't mean I can't do the job.

Jack O'Neill:
What job?

Clone O'Neill:
Explore the universe. Fight the Goa'uld.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh what, like now?

Clone O'Neill:
Oh you made this mess.

Jack O'Neill:
What we did was help these people.

Clone O'Neill:
Oh come on, I know you better than that. You screwed up and now you're embarrassed.

Jack O'Neill:
... well that's not the point.

Clone O'Neill:
And like I'm gonna spend my eternity on that lame ass planet? Sheesh!

Jack O'Neill:
You gave me your word!

Clone O'Neill:
Oh! Is this the first time you've lied to yourself? I told you what you wanted to hear. Besides, what were you gonna do? Destroy me?

Jack O'Neill:
I might have!

Clone O'Neill:
Alright! Come on bring it on flyboy! Let's go! Come on!

Jack O'Neill:
Oh you little... [Jack O'Neill and Clone O'Neill begin to fight/wrestle]

Maj. Carter:
Sirs! [They stop fighting and look up] As much as I would like to see how this plays out, don't we have something more important to do?

Clone O'Neill:
We're not done pal.

Jack O'Neill:
I so own you.

[SG-1 and Jacob/Selmak teleport with the ring transporter to the base of the Tok'ra, from a Ha'tak Mother ship they've just landed on the planet]

Col. O'Neill:
Hey, kids. We're not parked in a red zone, are we?

[Jack, Sam, Daniel and Jacob walk into the Peltak. Jack spots the throne-line commander's chair in the middle of the room]

Col. O'Neill:
Oooo! [Runs over and jumps into the chair. Has a giddy smile on his face] Shotgun!

Tanith:
I must say, Colonel, I was most intrigued by your means of arrival.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, it's a sweet ride. A little rusty, but it's still got zip.

Tanith:
How exactly did a Goa'uld mothership come into your possession?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, it was kind of a trade deal.

Tanith:
How so?

Col. O'Neill:
Cronus gave us his ship... and he got what was coming to him.

Tanith:
I do not understand. Why have I been excluded from such important information?

Teal'c:
The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed.

[Some Tok'ra are transporting a stash]

Jacob:
Take that to the secondary cargo hold. We need to make room for the Stargate.

Col. O'Neill:
Hey! Don't scuff the walls.

Col. O'Neill:
I want the ship back the way we found it.

Jacob:
We know, Jack. I still don't think it's necessary for you to be here.

Col. O'Neill:
Sorry. Not lettin' her out of my sight.

Jacob:
My mission is to oversee the relocation of the Tok'ra base. What's yours again?

Col. O'Neill:
Protect Earth's big, fat asset. We've got 1 ,000 engineers and scientists just droolin' to go through this thing.

Jacob:
You really think that's wise?

Col. O'Neill:
Don't start with me, Jake.

Jacob:
Remember when you tried to retrofit a death glider?

Col. O'Neill:
Yes, I have that memory.

Jacob:
This is vastly more complicated.

Col. O'Neill:
Which is exactly why we're "loaning" it to you in exchange for flying lessons.

Jacob:
You know what I mean. Leave the ship with us.

Col. O'Neill:
Not a chance.

Jacob:
You have no idea how dangerous this thing is.

Col. O'Neill:
Hey! We were smart enough to steal it in the first place, which is more than the Tok'ra could do.

[The Tok'ra base is under attack]

Col. O'Neill:
This is so the last time I help someone move.

[about Tanith]

Col. O'Neill:
That guy is a living cliché.

Maj. Carter:
This is the sun Vorash is orbiting.

Jacob:
We want to blow it up.

Col. O'Neill:
Wow...

Dr. Jackson:
That's uh...

O'Neill and Jackson:
Ambitious.

[Carter is about to throw the Stargate from the Ha'tak to the sun]

[Maj. Carter exhales]

Col. O'Neill:
Something wrong?

Maj. Carter:
No. I've just never blown up a star before.

Col. O'Neill:
Well, they say the first one's always the hardest.

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, I think we have a problem here. I figured that flashing wasn't good news, and the fact that in Goa'uld it says, "Warning! Warning!"

Teal'c:
The propulsion system and communication array have been damaged beyond repair.

Col. O'Neill:
Ah that's good because according to my calculations we are roughly in the middle of…nowhere. Give or take.

Col. O'Neill:
[Over the radio] Mayday, mayday. We are so goin' in!