Suits, Season 2

Harvey:
He's coming back, and people are going to have to choose sides.

Mike:
Can I choose his side?

Harvey:
Sure. Support a man you never met over a partner who knows you never went to Harvard, knows you're not really a lawyer, and is keeping you on anyway.

Mike:
Jessica it is.

Jessica:
Did you want something?

Louis:
Yes. Chain of command is everything to me. If I don't know who to answer to, I might as well be living naked on a kibbutz in the middle of Africa.

Harvey:
An option worth considering, though we'd miss you. [mouths silently] Not really.

Jessica:
I need to make sure every department is happy. I can't do that alone.

Harvey:
Well, that's where I come in. Everybody loves me.

Donna:
[from outside office] Not real estate.

Harvey:
There was a thing once...with a guy. With a couple of guys. But anywhere else-

Donna:
No, contracts thinks you're a dick. Their word, not mine.

Jessica:
Why don't you join us?

Donna:
Oh, thanks. Love to.

Jessica:
Taxes?

Donna:
Oh...no.

Jessica:
Mergers?

Donna:
Hate him.

Harvey:
But I-

Donna:
Didn't work.

Harvey:
Really?

Donna:
I am tied in, Harvey. There are a lot of underbelly things that I can tell you, but trust me, this is not one of them. Even Norma knows.

Jessica:
What?

Donna:
People just don't like that he's right all the time.

Harvey:
You think I like it?

Jessica:
What's his standing in bankruptcy?

Donna:
Excellent. I think. We don't do a lot of work with bankruptcy.

Harvey:
Remind me to fire you.

Jessica:
Remind me to give you a raise.

Jessica:
Annual survey of associates came out. Pearson Hardman ranked second to last in quality of life.

Louis:
Who beat us?

Jessica:
Louis, I know you take great pride in making the associates' lives miserable-

Louis:
Well, I did until the survey said that I was second best at it.

Mike:
Whoa! [pulls record off shelf] Come on. The Spinners? Really?

Harvey:
For your information, The Spinners were one of the defining pop bands of their time.

Mike:
Oh. Oh wow, sorry. Yeah, that's cool, like, like uh the Jonas Brothers, or Hanson, or NSync, or Selena Gomez. Yeah.

Harvey:
C'mere lippy, I want to show you something.

Mike:
Oh yeah, what? You got Bieber fever?

[knock at file room door]

Mike:
Kevin, trusts and estates?

Donna:
No, it's too meek. It's gotta be a woman. Who is it?

Harold:
Harold. I need a stapler.

Donna:
I was right.

Louis:
And then I take the shuttle to Grand Central, and then I take the local from there. I think you'll find that...pleasurable, actually.

Mike:
[enters conference room] Sorry, restroom.

Louis:
No, that's okay. This is my associate, Mike Ross. He was busy, uh, drafting some pertinent documents. Motion to dismiss, motion to compel, motion to strike, motion to change venue, and we have another half dozen in the pipeline.

Mike:
No, they're here.

Louis:
Oh.

Durham Foods Attorney:
What is this? This was supposed to be a settlement conference.

Louis:
Oh, we're not here to settle. We're proceeding to trial.

Durham Foods Attorney:
You want to take this case to trial?

Louis:
Um, unless I can't hear the sound of my own voice, I believe that's what I just frickin' said.

Durham Foods Attorney:
We're the little guy. Your parent company's a behemoth. A jury's gonna hate you.

Louis:
Well, thanks to your disgusting smears in the media, that might be true, which is why we're also filing a countersuit for libel, slander, and anything else that might be appropriate in this case.

Mike:
Tortious interference?

Durham Foods Attorney:
This is - you got- this is not good faith, Mr. Litt.

Louis:
Sir, you have besmirched the good name of Liquid Water, and if you think that we're here for a settlement conference, well, let me just correct that one for you right now. We are not settling. We will not be settling. In fact, the only thing that's settling here is the sediment at the bottom of your putrid water. Get me? Now be sure to take that Grand Central shuttle like I told you, okay? I think you're gonna love it.

Louis:
I need a list of everything that's wrong with the rehearsal space. For example, the creaky floorboards, they're affecting certain dancers' attitudes.

Harold:
Oh, they shouldn't let that get them down.

Rachel:
"Attitude" is a pose.

Harold:
Oh, yeah, like striking an attitude. Whatever, I do that all the time.

Louis:
Okay. I also need a list of the ballet company principals.

Harold:
Okay, um, integrity, fidelity, patriotism-

Rachel:
Not that kind of principle.

Louis:
Okay, we're done.

Harold:
How am I supposed to know?

Louis:
Rachel, you've just been drafted.

Harold:
Oh, but she's not even a-

Louis:
Not what? She's not what, Harold? Ms. Zane not only knows more about ballet than you do, she also knows more about law.

Harold:
What is it about ballet? I just- I don't get it, you know? There's no words, there's no story, there's no action. It's just all [jumps in air] and [jumps] and like [jumping in air, arms flailing as Louis walks up]... I don't... [Rachel clears throat] Please tell me that Louis isn't behind me.

Louis:
Louis isn't behind you. Hi.

Harold:
Hi.

Louis:
Penelope Cruz, Zoe Saldana, Audrey Hepburn, what do they all have in common?

Harold:
They're all hot?

Louis:
No, dumbass. They all owe their success to ballet because it gives them discipline and grace, it embodies our emotions, it's breathtaking in its beauty, and most importantly, it expresses what cannot be put into words. You want to get ahead here, Harold? Take ballet, because right now, the only thing that's breathtaking about you can easily be put into words: nothing. Now relevé your ass back to work.

Harvey:
What happened with Judge Fullman?

Jessica:
There might be a slight problem.

Harvey:
What did you do?

Jessica:
Why do you assume I did something?

Harvey:
What did you do?

Jessica:
There was a prank.

Harvey:
How bad was it?

Jessica:
We went to law school together, and I got her drunk.

Harvey:
So?

Jessica:
So she woke up in front of the entire con law class.

Harvey:
It's recoverable.

Jessica:
She might have been naked.

Harvey:
Might have?

Jessica:
Was.

Harvey:
We're screwed.

Jessica:
Come on, Harvey. She was uptight. I just straightened her out. It's what you do with uptight people.

Harvey:
Well why don't you ever do that to Louis?

Jessica:
I did. [smiles]

Harvey:
That was you? He blamed me.

Jessica:
You can be uptight sometimes too. That's why I let him think it was you.

Harvey:
Told him it was me.

Jessica:
That's what I said.

Harvey:
It's okay, I deserved it.

Jessica:
What?

Harvey:
Do you remember when he was so mad when his cat peed in the corner of his office?

Jessica:
Mm-hmm.

Harvey:
That wasn't his cat.

Louis:
(sitting at Harvey's computer) Okay. If you were a narcissist with great hair, what would your password be? [scoffs] Harvey. [computer beeps rejection] Specter. [computer beeps rejection] No. It's just way too easy. One of his favorite basketball players. [typing] Shaquille O'Bryant?

Harvey:
Let's get one thing clear: I'm not Charlie Brown, you're not Lucy, and that's not a football.

Donna:
Let's get two things clear. I don't remember ever placing a call to Zoe, but her message said she was calling back.

Harvey:
I called her. For business.

Donna:
What kind of business? A merger?

Harvey:
Okay, what are you, twelve years old?

Donna:
I'm not the one robbing the cradle here!

Harvey:
I'm not robbing anything. Zoe and I are the same age.

Donna:
So you admit it. You called to ask her on a date. Behind my back.

Harvey:
It wasn't behind your back, you'd gone home already.

Donna:
Because you waited for me to go home.

Harvey:
Like I said, it was behind your back.

Mike:
Wow, yeah, that is a tattoo.

Harold:
It's cool, right?

Mike:
Yeah. A manatee. The slow, gentle cow of the sea.

Harold:
Uh uh no, it's a shark actually.

Mike:
Totally. No, yes that is- that's a shark. That is a big wide fat shark.

Louis:
[enters] You're fired.

Harold:
Oh! You can't fire Mike!

Louis:
You. You moron. You can't even get your firing right.

Alison:
Do you think she gives a shit about whether or not you buried that document? If you go there, you're not just poking the bear, you're putting a cattle prod up its ass.

Harvey:
Is that the same crack advice you gave Brockton Cosmetics and Drake Consulting and Nappi LLC? Because none of those companies exist anymore.

Alison:
Congratulations, Harvey. You found the three cases that I've lost in 14 years. And do you know what else those cases have in common? Nothing. Because I learn from my mistakes.

Harvey:
You know what, that's the difference between us, Alison. You want to lose small, I want to win big.

Harvey:
Donna, I need you.

Donna:
Need?

Harvey:
Need.

Donna:
Well, what about Jessica?

Harvey:
Already signed off?

Donna:
How did you get her do that?

Harvey:
Because I told her I can't be me without you.

Donna:
No you didn't.

Harvey:
Well I thought it, and she knows it.

Donna:
Ok, I will come back on two conditions. One is, you replace that check with a bigger one.

Harvey:
[pulls out envelope] …and the other?