Jersey Shore, Season 3

Deena:
[On Sammi] Bitch, I will smack that f***ing grin right off your face, seriously! She's laughing at me.

Mike "The Situation":
She's not laughing at you.

[Sammi laughs in background]

Deena:
She is.

Mike "The Situation":
No, she's not.

Sammi:
I definitely am!

Snooki:
Even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a sh-t...I will f***in' attack you like a squirrel monkey.

Snooki:
I have Vinny in the house now, maybe I don't need the vibrator. We'll see...

Ronnie:
Snooki walks in the door with this Gremlin look-a-like and she says she's the new roommate.

J-Woww:
[on Ronnie and Sammi] I hope they get a f***in' incurable disease living up there.

Snooki:
Honestly, like who hides in a bush? Only me. I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, and I will hide in a bush. I do f***ed up shit, I don't even know what's wrong with me.

Vinny:
Oh my god, this girl at the club is beyond the word stalker. She is a parasite and I am the host.

Snooki:
This is the first night that we're going out to a club. F***in' Ron and Sam aren't coming out, SHOCKER...shocker. So what are they gonna do? They're gonna look at each other's eyes and say "I love you, baby," all night? We're in f***in' Seaside, bitch! Let's go to f***in' Karma.

Vinny:
I got juice all over me!

Pauly D:
That's what she said.

Vinny:
I personally like fake boobs.

Pauly D:
You like 'em like you like your girl's eyes, cockeyed.

Snooki:
Old people, they lose their sex life and that's not a fun time. That's why people always get divorced.

Snooki:
[at work] If I wanna have a beer, I'm allowed to have a beer. This isn't like Law School, this is a T-Shirt Shop.

Mike "The Situation":
Deena calls herself The Holiday and I like to call her the Holiday Inn, so 6 minutes and 53 seconds into Karma, the Holiday Inn closed early tonight.

Ronnie:
I need a mind condom because I'm being mind f***ed.

Mike "The Situation":
It's like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, then somebody takes away the chicken and then you're left with salt and pepper.

Snooki:
Every time I get really excited like if we go to a club, I have to poop. If we go to a party, I have to poop, if I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to poop.

Snooki:
Even though I just met him, Nick seems like the perfect juicehead gorilla for me. And I kinda wanna have sex with him already!

Snooki:
These are the things I think I'm addicted to: bronzer, boys, and alcohol.

Snooki:
Yeah, any pinot's ok...pregnant people do it.

Snooki:
It's kinda like a disease to Snook-for-Love, it's worse than a staph infection. It just keeps eating at you and eating at you.

Snooki:
Every time I meet a nice guy, he dies. It's the same with every pet, friend or relative I've ever had. EVERYONE DIES! Next it's gonna be me. Its all just a big conspiracy!