The Goodies, Series 5

Bill:
[after watching their film] Right! I'm gonna get drunk! The film's a failure! I'm gonna drown me sorrows! I'm gonna drink 'till it comes out me eyeballs! I'm gonna get drunk!

Graeme:
[the trio finds a song about the Jollyrock Lighthouse in a sea shanty compilation and eagerly start to sing it] Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar...

Tim, Graeme, Bill:
[singing] ... when you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore. But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure. Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more.

Tim, Graeme, Bill:
[singing, suddenly worried] Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it if I was you.

Graeme:
[singing] So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race.

Tim:
It's utterly appalling... [confused] and not at all nace?

Bill:
[singing, worried] For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace...

Tim, Graeme, Bill:
[singing, now really worried] 'Cause people get killed there all over the place! OH, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it, if I was you.

Tim:
[completely hysterical] Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about! [runs out] I don't feel well!

Bill:
[singing, halfheartedly] Well your blood will run cold, and your heart fill with dread.

Graeme:
[singing, halfheartedly] For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!

Bill:
[singing] If you stay there one night... [terrified] you'll go clean off your head!

Graeme, Bill:
[singing, weakly] And in no time at all you will probably catch mumps...

[Double-check the line]

Graeme, Bill:
... Mumps?

Tim:
That doesn't even rhyme!

Graeme:
I've been out looking around, and you'll never guess what I just found in an old tin mine.

Bill:
Gold?

Graeme:
No, old tins.

[empties a bag of empty tin cans on the floor]

Graeme:
[producing a rock] And... this!

Bill:
What?

Graeme:
[confidently] Gold ore.

Tim:
Ore?

Graeme:
[less confidently] Or something else.

[Bill is drunk]

Tim:
[to Graeme] Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.

Graeme:
Has he?

Tim:
Yes.

[Tim and Bill yell at each other]

Graeme:
This is good, political discussion, a healthy thing.

Bill:
This isn't political discussion, we're just shouting at one another.

Graeme:
Same thing.

[In Nationwide.]

Michael Barratt:
Good evening, and tonight in Nationwide, we're looking at a political solution that's entirely new to Great Britain. For the first time in our history, we find ourselves the subject of a puppet government and in the studio to answer questions on some of the topics raised by this situation, we have the Prime Minister. [The Prime Minister, Sooty, appears.] Good evening, Prime Minister. Some of your critics might suggest that the responsibility of running the country may be outside your previous political experience. [Sooty asks him.] You'll do what to your critics? Oh, I see. Well, at this stage we should bring in the new-appointed Home Secentury. [The Home Secretary, Sweep, appears.] Good evening. Do say hello to the Prime Minister. Now, perhaps I could begin by raising a point which was made earlier. [Sooty asks him again.] I'm sorry, what was that, Prime Minister? You want to play your xylophone? [Sooty brings in a xylophone.] Would you mind? Erm… Oh, erm… I mean… [Sooty and Sweep starts hitting him with xylophone hammers.] No, please, you must… Stop it, Home Secretary! Prime Minister!

[Cut to the Houses of Parliament. Big Ben chimes, as words "Today in Parliament" appear. Inside, a Clanger from Clangers is seen speaking to the puppets. The puppets jeer and throw papers. The Goodies watch on TV on a tree trunk. Tim turns it off.]

Tim:
[referring to the puppets] See, see. I'm telling you could trust them.

Bill:
[angry] Right. That does it, come on.

Tim:
Great. Right… Where to?

[In Chequers, The Goodies enter a cabinet room, and they see the puppet government at a table. Tim clears his throat, the puppets look at him.]

Tim:
Right. All right, you puppets, I think you know why we're here. [chuckles] Well, so do we. Yes. Ha, ha, yes. [clicks throat]

Bill:
[looks at Tim] Go on!

Tim:
I will, I'll go on.

[As Tim looks at the trashcans, until a sort-of Cookie Monster appears in the bin]

A sort-of Cookie Monster:
[silent roars]

[a sort-of Cookie Monster begins to attack Tim whilst in a bin]

Tim:
Get off, get off!

[Tim puts a sort-of Cookie Monster in a bin, guzzles him, and burps loudly]