The Office, Season 1

Michael:
[re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael:
People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.

Michael:
Hi, I'm Michael Scott Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because Today is almost over.

Michael:
Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Pam:
[during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.

Dwight:
Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo!

Jim:
Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.

Pam:
[Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.

Jim:
Oh, great.

Pam:
So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?

Jim:
I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

Pam:
Nice.

Dwight:
OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Michael:
Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Jim:
Dwight, don't you need health insurance?

Dwight:
Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam:
Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight:
So I can lower it.

Meredith:
[reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."

Michael:
Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.

Meredith:
I... get it.

Michael:
When I retire, I-I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

Oscar:
[who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.

Michael:
I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Michael:
[trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

Dwight:
Gimli.

Michael:
Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Dwight:
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Roy:
Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?

Jim:
Cute, sure.

Roy:
Why don't you get on that?

Jim:
She's not really my type.

Roy:
What are you, gay?

Jim:
Mmm... I don't think so, nope.

Kevin:
Well what is your type?

Jim:
Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.

Roy:
That is disgusting.

Kevin:
Stay away from my mom.

Jim:
Too late, Kev.

Dwight:
The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at the age of ten when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy but very cruel businessman. So she practiced Aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She’s also a survivor of monster rape.

Michael:
[points at Dwight's stapler inside the Jell-O] What is that?

Dwight:
That's my stapler.

Michael:
No, no, no! Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Dwight:
OK, you know what? [to Ryan] You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?

Jim:
[eating cherry Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwight:
It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

Michael:
Oooh, discipline. Kinky! [chuckles] Alright, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

Dwight:
Yeah.

Michael:
And yeah. Jim, this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.

Jim:
OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Michael:
[laughs] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

Ryan:
You should've put him in custardy.

Michael:
Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

Dwight:
OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

Michael:
Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.