The Office, Season 2

Michael:
A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who's going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Pam:
You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Michael:
Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.

Jim:
Does that include "That's what she said?"

Michael:
Mmm hmm, yes.

Jim:
Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

Michael:
That's what she said!

Michael:
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's not really a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Dwight:
[to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?

Toby:
[talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Dwight:
Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight:
I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Michael:
Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I've heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight:
I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

Phyllis:
[to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?

Dwight:
I'm a Sith lord!!

Michael:
[while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.

Sherry:
I'm still here, Michael.

Michael:
Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

Dwight:
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Michael:
Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael:
[on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?

Jan:
Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?

Michael:
No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.

Michael:
Pam, you're trustworthy.

Pam:
Thank you.

Michael:
And a woman.

Pam:
Oh no.

Angela:
I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Dwight:
I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections... there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

Jim:
My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.

Phyllis:
Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.

Kevin:
Kevin Malone.

Bob Vance:
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Stanley:
Stanley Hudson.

Bob Vance:
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan:
Ryan Howard.

Bob Vance:
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

[pause]

Ryan:
What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael:
Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Michael:
Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.

Michael:
You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?

Brenda:
Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Jim:
You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

Michael:
*throws up in barf bag* I'm on medication.

Brenda:
Really? What?

Michael:
Vomicillin.

Michael:
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon-sue me-and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Michael:
[calling from the conference room] Pam, come in here please.

Pam:
Tell me before I come there.

Michael:
[Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.

Pam:
No.

Michael:
Please? I have Country Crock.

[Jim and Michael are driving a concussed Dwight to the hospital in Meredith's van. Dwight is opening a bottle of whisky]

Michael:
Dwight, what're you doing

Dwight:
I found it under the seat.

Jim:
Oh my God! Dwight! Put it down!

Dwight:
I'm thirsty. [Jim sprays him] No!

Jim:
Give the bottle to Michael.

Dwight:
No. I'm thirsty.

Michael:
Give the bottle to me, Dwight. [To Jim] Just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired.

Dwight:
You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!

Michael:
Give it to me, Dwight! [tries to grab it]

Dwight:
No. [takes a sip] Mmm... [babbles insanely]

Ryan:
If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Pam:
What did you guys talk about?

Jim:
Oh, just you know-politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]

Pam:
I hate you.

Michael:
I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael:
Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Dwight:
It's a terrible idea.

Jim:
What is?

Dwight:
Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

[Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a "men's day"]

Dwight:
Remember on Lost when they met "the Others"?

Dwight:
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Jan:
Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I'm very nervous.

Dwight:
[giving a speech at a paper selling conference] BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY!

Dwight:
When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".

Michael:
Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "lilkidlover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael:
This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?

Creed:
That is correct.

Dwight:
[After he didn't tip the sub man] Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Toby:
Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?

Michael:
You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Angela:
Do you want to give Michael your urine?

Dwight:
[deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Jim:
Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.

Dwight:
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Jim:
Dwight tried to kiss me.

Michael:
What?

Jim:
And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

Dwight:
That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!

Jim:
Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.

Darryl:
I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.

Michael:
I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Jim:
Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

Michael:
No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Phyllis:
Afghani.

Michael:
What?

Phyllis:
Afghani.

Michael:
That's a dog.

Pam:
No, that's afghan.

Michael:
That's a shawl.

Dwight:
Wait, canine AIDS?

Michael:
No, humans with AIDS.

Creed:
Who has AIDS?

Jim:
Guys, the Afghanistananis.

[In reference to Michael's plan to invite the boy scout troop that the proceeds will be donated to]

Toby:
Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?

Michael:
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.

Jim:
I was just, um... I'm in love with you.

Pam:
What?

Jim:
I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just-

Pam:
What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?

Jim:
I just needed you to know. Once.

Pam:
Well, I, um-I can't...

Jim:
Yeah.

Pam:
You have no idea-

Jim:
Don't do that.

Pam:
-what your friendship means to me.

Jim:
Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.

Pam Beesly:
Well, last year my performance started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds. So I'm not really sure what to expect.

Michael:
I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA, so…so it's not the same thing. At all.

Michael:
Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?

Darryl:
How about the sales team is the sails?

Michael:
[nonplussed] Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good.

Stanley:
[after Kelly tells him about Ryan talking to Stanley's daughter] That little girl is a child. I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?

Ryan:
Yes s-

Stanley:
Boy, have you lost your mind, 'cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus is gonna come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!

Ryan:
Okay.

[cuts to Ryan in an interview]

Ryan:
Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.