The PJs, Season 1

[Thurgood suspects Calvin and Juicy are skipping school and attempts to catch them in the act.]

Thurgood [to his friends]:
Look at 'em, makin' they plans. [to Calvin and Juicy] Hi, boys.

Calvin and Juicy:
Hi, Super. Hi, Jimmy.

Sanchez:
Hi, boys.

Calvin [whispering to Juicy]:
What's that guy's name with the funny voice?

Juicy [whispering to Calvin]:
I don't know. My mom said not to stare at him.

[both cover their faces with their hands and walk off]

Calvin and Juicy:
Hi.

[Thurgood, Calvin and Juicy are set to clean the projects of the roach problem]

Thurgood:
Okay, everybody, put on your masks. These are dangerous chemicals we gonna use here.

Juicy:
[wearing a princess mask] Like this?

Thurgood:
[sighs] Let him be, Thurgood. It's just natural selection.

[Thurgood is fixing a sink pipe]

Nula:
Hey Super, did you find out why the hot water is not working?

Thurgood:
Yeah, the hot water ain't workin' 'cause your daddy ain't workin'! You tell yo' dad to get a job and pay the gas bill, then you got some hot water comin' to ya. Until then, y'all go on and chill. That's what you kids say, "chill", right? Well, now you know what it means to chill. Now go on, keep it real.

[Thurgood discovers Calvin and Juicy playing with a dog in the projects]

Thurgood:
How'd that dog get in here, Calvin?

Calvin:
Come in the front door, Super. It's broken again.

Thurgood:
Again? I just fixed the door last week!

Mrs. Avery:
Hmm. You call that fixed?!

Thurgood:
[sees the broken door and gasps] Son of a Billy Dee!

Muriel:
Dear Diary, the word for today is... brr! This must be the coldest day of the year. The temperature outside is harsh and unbearable as my--

Thurgood:
Muriel, can I get some ice cubes, please? It's called Kool-Aid, not Warm-Aid.

[Thurgood and Muriel at HUD]

Muriel:
And how are your kids?

HUD Lady:
You know, Lasagna had dectuplets. But you don't see her on Time magazine with her teeth all fixed.

Muriel:
[gasps] Congratulations! What are their names?

HUD Lady:
There's Rwanda, Dorito, Rolex, Neutrogena, Teflon, DKNY, Lexus, Dyslexus, Dentine, and Absorbine, Jr.

[Thurgood and Muriel encounter Smokey while exploring an abandoned movie theater]

Muriel:
Smokey, how's your 12-step recovery coming?

Smokey:
Pretty good. Doctors say I'm down to 88% body crack.

[Thurgood discovers that Tarnell gave the movie theater porno films]

Thurgood:
What have you done?!

Tarnell:
This is what you wanted, right?

Thurgood:
You told me you'd get me a good movie! You said it'd be cherry pie!

Tarnell:
It is! [camera pans up to the movie theater sign, which reads "Cherry Pie in Orgy & Bess"]

[The Hilton-Jacobs tenants are hosting a memorial service for a deceased tenant]

Thurgood:
We are gathered here today to bury one of our own. What can I say about the deceased? [someone in the audience coughs] Uh, hmm. [checks the coroner's report] He was, uh, five foot six, and uh, weighed 155 pounds and had no distinguishing marks or scars. [to himself] My God, his liver weighed a pound and a half. Well, that's serious.

Muriel:
I baked you a cake.

Bebe:
Let me guess. Pineapple uppity-side-down cake?

Muriel:
Bebe, I'm still the same sister you grew up and shared a bunk bed with.

Bebe:
Yeah, and as I recall, you were on the top lookin' down on me.

Muriel:
Thurgood, we're completely isolated. Our friends think we're bougie, and they won't even come by anymore.

Thurgood:
Exactly. This is our dream home, Muriel!

Muriel:
Thurgood, I can't stay here. I'm goin' back to where we come from.

Thurgood:
Africa?

Muriel:
Yes, Thurgood. Africa.

[Thurgood attends a banquet celebrating him being a hero]

Reporter:
Mr. Stubbs, I understand you'll be testifying tomorrow against the burglar you caught. Are you afraid?

Thurgood:
Uh, fear is just one of the many words I don't know the meaning of. Next question. Come on, I'm happy to answer anything.

Reporter #2:
Where's your wife?

Thurgood:
Interview over!

[Thurgood attempts to get Tarnell to send for help]

Thurgood:
Look, Tarnell, we in trouble. A dangerous criminal has tied us up. Go call the police.

Tarnell:
Tell Tarnell.

Thurgood:
I just did! Now go get the police!

Tarnell:
Supe's the hero! Superhero!

Thurgood:
Would you shut up and go get the police, please?!

Tarnell:
Hero sandwich! Hero-shima!

Mrs. Avery:
Super, it's too hot! When ya gonna turn down the furnace?!

Thurgood:
The furnace ain't on. It's the middle of summer, you crazy old bat.

Mrs. Avery:
Well, when you gonna fix my calendar?

Thurgood:
Now, what the hell you buy a calendar for anyway? You ain't gonna get to finish it. [slams door]

Muriel:
Thurgood, that's no way to talk to Mrs. Avery.

Thurgood:
You know somethin'? You right. [opens door and shouts in the hallway] YOU DRIED-UP OLD GARGOYLE! [slams door] Thanks, Muriel. I can always count on you to remind me to do the important thangs.

Muriel:
Weren't you supposed to go to HUD to pick up those air conditioners?

Thurgood:
Don't become your mother now.

[Thurgood has been sent to the hospital after having a heart attack]

Doctor:
Mr. Stubbs, you had a mild cardiac episode, which we believe was due to prolonged hypertension.

Thurgood:
Give it to me in English, doc.

Doctor:
You have very high blood pressure.

Thurgood:
Hey, look, we didn't all go to DeVry, all right?

Doctor:
Okay... Your blood is bad, especially when you get mad. And if you die, you'll be very, very sad. Okay?

Thurgood:
Now, was that so hard? I hear what you're sayin'.

Thurgood:
What did you flush down the toilet?

Haiti Lady:
Just cotton balls.

Thurgood:
[pulls out a goat's head] This is a goat's head!

Haiti Lady:
Cotton Balls was his name.

Calvin:
[on Juicy burning himself with an entire bag of marshmallows] Juicy screams like a GIRL!

Juicy:
You oughta know, since you're with Chelsea all the time.

Calvin:
You take that back!

Juicy [chanting]:
Calvin and Chelsea, sittin' in a tree...

Calvin:
Shut up!

Sanchez/Jimmy/Thurgood/Walter/Juicy:
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Calvin:
See what you did?!

Thurgood:
Now, now, Calvin, bein' in love is nothin' to be ashamed of. Took me 23 years of marriage to learn that.

Calvin:
I'm not in love with her.

Jimmy:
Everybody falls in love sometime, little bro. Mr. Sanchez here has a crush on his voice therapist.

Sanchez:
Shut up!

Jimmy, Thurgood and Walter:
Sanchez and Voice Therapist, sittin' in a tree...

Sanchez:
See what you did?

[Walter and Thurgood are at the police station to find the missing boys]

Walter:
We took some boys on a make-believe camping trip, and uh, w-w-we may have killed 'em.

Thurgood:
Walter, NO! Nuh-uh, that's not what happened, officer. [to Walter] What's wrong with you, Walter? [to the police officer] Look, we like to report some missin' kids. That's it. The missin' kids. Yeah, that sounds better.

Police Officer:
When's the last time you saw them?

Walter:
We last saw them runnin' down the street after Red Moley scared the urine out of 'um.

Police Officer:
Who's Red Moley?

Thurgood:
Oh, he's a serial killer. Oh, well, actually, he's me. [chuckles]

Police Officer:
You're a serial killer?

Thurgood:
No, no, no, no, Red Moley is a serial killer.

Police Officer:
And you're Red Moley.

Thurgood:
Yes. Uh... [points offscreen] What's that over there?!

Thurgood:
Everybody knows my stock rocks, my chicken is kickin', and my shiz-rimp is the shiznit!

Muriel:
And no one can touch yo' spicy sausage!

Thurgood:
Yeah, especially with my crabs all over it.

Muriel:
I think you're takin' this contest too seriously, Thurgood. Projects Week is supposed to be fun.

Thurgood:
Muriel, I can't lose this contest. My gumbo is the only reason folks respect me. When the people of these projects thinks of gumbo, they think of me because Thurgood Stubbs means gumbo. Don't you see? I'm gumbo, damn it!

Muriel:
Thurgood.

Thurgood:
Gumbo's my passion, Muriel. Gumbo's my only love.

Muriel:
Now Thurgood, I'm sure if you think about it, there's something else you love.

Thurgood:
Muriel, I don't want a 40. I just threw up!

Muriel:
[sighs] I'll get you a glass of water.

Thurgood:
Muriel, you're so good to me. That's why I like you.

[Thurgood, Calvin and Juicy have finished rebuilding a cart they found in the dump]

Juicy:
Hey, Super, what we gonna name her?

Calvin:
I know! How about LeBaron?

Juicy:
Or Tercel?

Thurgood:
No, no, no. You don't go givin' cars people names. You gotta give it a name that says class. That says somethin' about... about you. [paints "Poorsche" on the traffic cone]

Mrs. Avery:
First it's stolen go-karts, what's next? Some brute breakin' in and tryin' to have his way with me? I can see it now. Sure, I try to resist at first, but nothing can stop his filthy love. Next thing I know, I'm cookin' his breakfast! And I'm too young to settle down!

Calvin:
With all due respect, Mrs. Avery, NO BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Thurgood:
Eleven clogged toilets today. That's a janitor's dozen! The only thing that gets me through days like this is knowin' that I get to come home to you.

Muriel:
Oh, Thurgood!

Thurgood:
[drinking his 40] If only toilets went down as smooth as you.

Thurgood:
[writing an angry letter to HUD] "Dearest HUD, how are you? I am fine. But you are not so fine. If you really want to help the little people-- and I don't mean the project elves that put clean socks and underwear in my drawer while I'm sleepin'--"

Muriel:
Project elves? I put--

Thurgood:
Muriel! Writing! [resumes writing] "It's time you see to it that the basic human needs like freedom, equality, and talkin' toilets are made available to everyone. Especially talkin' toilets. Signed, your humble servant, Thurgood O. Stubbs, Esquire."

Thurgood:
Rasta Man, what's goin' on up here?

Rasta Man:
I'm tending to my gon-- ahem-- garden.

Thurgood:
You know, I never even knew there was a garden plot up here. Too damn bad this whole place had to go to pot like this.

Rasta Man:
Ah, if only whole place had gone to pot.

Haiti Lady:
Do you know what you've just done?!

Thurgood:
Hmm, let me do a recap. I took your stupid statue and wiped my butt on it, smashed it into a thousand pieces, and-- let's see, did I forget anything? Oh, yeah, I called you a wiatch under my breath.