The Raccoons, Season 5 (1990-1991)

Melissa:
All we want are a few details.

Pig One:
We can't tell you anything. This is top secret! Strictly need-to-know basis.

Pig Two:
And the boss says you don't need to know anything!

Pig Three:
As a matter of fact, we don't even know what you don't need to know!

Ralph:
I see a career in politics for these three.

(Ralph has been chucked out of a conference building by a security guard)

Ralph:
That guy has no respect for the press! Something smells in the Rotco corporation!

Melissa:
Well then, we just have to get in there and sniff out the story. Let me try my feminine wiles!

(A few seconds pass before Melissa returns, evidently having been turned away also.)

Melissa:
I must be getting rusty.

Ralph:
Not in my books, baby!

(Bert and Cedric are on a skydiving simulator)

Bert:
Wow! That was some fun, huh Cedric?

Cedric:
Yeah, that wasn't so bad. But there's a big difference between ten feet and... ten thousand feet!

Bert:
Ah, only a couple of zeros!

Bert:
Boy, this is one birthday present you'll never forget, huh Cedric?

Cedric:
Yeah... if I live to remember.

(Whilst courting Ingrid Bellamore)

Cyril:
Good work boys! Put it in the vault!

Pig Three:
"Good work"? He's never said that before!

Pig One:
We've never done that before!

Cedric:
I did it Pop! I jumped! Did you see it?

Cyril:
I sure did son! But if you don't mind, I'd rather not see it again!

Cyril:
When it comes to spending my money, I'm a careful man. I've only made three mistakes in my entire life.

Milton Midas:
Really? What were they?

Cyril:
That answer your question?

Cyril:
I can't stay here! This is a hospital!

Nurse Peck:
My, my! For someone who is so cold we are hot under the collar aren't we?

Bert:
Wow! Ralph, it's here! It finally came!

Ralph:
Er, what's finally here Bert?

Bert:
Oh I ordered this months ago, I thought it was never going to come! A Silver Silhouette remote bomber! And with this remote control, I can make it do loops, dives, barrel rolls! Why, it can do practically anything!

Ralph:
Can it make a pizza crust?

(After Bert's model plain fails to take off)

Ralph:
Looks like the bomber had a change in orders Bert!

Bert:
Ralph... I've been ripped off!

(Cyril is about to be X-rayed)

Cyril:
Wait, couldn't I just take a written test on this one?

Nurse Peck:
No, no, this is more like a screen test!

Nurse Peck:
You're not hiding from me, are you Mr Sneer?

Cyril:
Hiding? No! Just trying to stay out of your way!

Nurse Peck:
(Preparing a syringe) Now Mr Sneer, this should help.

Danny:
I get three needles a day. I don't even think about it. I just think about, you know, good stuff.

Nurse Peck:
Now there's a good idea. Try that Mr Sneer.

Cyril:
(As he gets the injection) Well there is money and gold and stocks. Bonds are nice too, and corporate takeovers.

Ralph:
Good news Bert! I got the name of the president of the company who sells the remote bomber!

Melissa:
And from everything we could find out about this guy, he's a real weasel!

Ralph:
His name is Milton Midas.

Milton Midas (on the TV) Milton Midas here, your man of a million miraculous minor steals! This fabulous Midas forest has just become available and it's gotta go friends, take a look at the Midas workmanship on these Midas trees, solid Midas wood, so run, walk or crawl down here tomorrow for the auctioning off of these incredible Midas acres! Just who am I to be offering such a dynamite Midas deal? Well, I'm the man with the golden touch - Mr Milton Midas!

Bert:
Milton Midas?

Ralph:
I know. Isn't television great?

Pig One:
Oh no! We forgot to close the land deal!

Pig Three:
Madcap millionaires, the party's not over!

Pig Two:
Oh, the party's over alright!

Pig One:
Never mind our lives!

Pig Three:
Oh golly gosh gee whiz, have I missed something?

Danny:
Mr Sneer! What are you doing?

Cyril:
I'm checking out.

Danny:
Why?

Cyril:
Because they want to operate on me, that's why.

Danny:
Are you chicken?

Cyril:
Listen kid, you have any idea what those doctors do to you?

Danny:
Oh sure. I've had operations before.

Cyril:
You have?

Danny:
Yeah. And they're not all that bad. Well, the first time is always a bit scary. I guess I wasn't that brave but...

Danny:
If you're brave enough to climb out there, you're brave enough to handle and operation! Trust me.

Bert:
I'll be on my way as soon as I get my refund like it says in your ad - "Money cheerfully refunded if not completely satisfied".

Milton Midas:
I said that?

Bert:
That's right!

Cyril:
Why those idiotic oinkers! If I lose this land, I'll fire them... out of a cannon!

Pig Three:
Oh, do something Lloyd!

Pig One:
What can I do?

Pig Two:
Do what the boss would do if he were here!

Pig Three:
He'd get really mad if he were here.

Pig One:
My bid certainly made an impression on that big shot, didn't it?

Pig Two:
Oh it certainly did! And when the boss hears about this he'll impress us!

Pig Three:
Six feet into the ground.

(Cyril is livid at the Pigs)

Pig One:
Careful! Think of your stress level boss!

Pig Two:
Oh yeah, you don't want to end up back in the hospital!

Cyril:
Hospitals don't bother me anymore but you clowns do! And when I get to the bottom of this, that's just where you'll be - in the hospital! Come back here you pork rinds! Stop!

Pig One:
Run for it boys!

George:
Ah Nicole, what if I bomb? What if I don't get the job? I wish none of this had ever happened.

Nicole:
Well it did happen, and we'll get through it. We're all going to be out there rooting for you George.

Mr. Willow:
Hello boys! What can I do for you?

Pig One:
I'm glad you asked Mr Willow. As a result of our recent cutbacks, we find ourselves available for gainful employment.

Pig Two:
Or we could use a job.

Lisa:
(on the phone) Oh, everything's fine! I guess...

Nicole:
I'm heading off to the Raccoondominium. Want to come along?

Lisa:
(to Nicole) No thanks, Mom, have fun! (on the phone) Sorry about that. Uh, how's the basketball team doing without me? They won? Gee, that's... that's great! You have to go? Oh, no-no, I've got lots to do. Say hi to everybody for me. Bye.

Bentley:
We're off to the ball game, Lisa! Wanna come?

Lisa:
No thanks, Bentley. I still have to unpack some stuff.

Bentley:
You know, Bert, I think living in the forest is soon gonna be just fine.

Lisa:
Yeah. Just fine.

Pig Two:
More pies sir?

Cyril:
Ha ha! I haven't had this much fun since my last tax refund!

Pig Two:
We'd make a pretty good team, right boss?

Cyril:
I've seen worse!

Pig One:
Boss? About that little accident with the shredder...

Cyril:
It's coming out of your salary!

Pigs (In unison):
You mean... we can have our old jobs back?

Cyril:
Might as well. I wouldn't wish you three messed up meatballs on anyone else!

Bert:
I could introduce a new recipe. Dare-deviled eggs! (Laughs)

Ralph:
That sounds about right, coming from a canned ham!

Bert:
You're not saying much, Lisa! Uh, how was your day?

Lisa:
Lousy, as if you care.

Melissa:
What's the matter, Lisa?

Lisa:
Everything! Everything's wrong! I've got no friends anymore, I miss my school, I HATE THIS HOUSE!

George:
That's enough, young lady! We've all got a lot of adjusting to do!

Lisa:
Oh, sure! Everyone else is happy! Nobody cares what I think! None of this would have happened if you hadn't lost your job!

Nicole:
LISA!

Lisa:
(runs away sobbing) It's all your fault! I hope you don't get that stupid job at the station! (slams door and continues sobbing)

Cyril:
Factory 1-9-8-4 made a lot of money producing this stuff - Sneer Snake Oil!

Cedric:
(Reading the bottle) "Guaranteed to prevent dandruff, aging, arthritis, hair loss and the common cold." Pop, no one would believe all this!

Cyril:
That doesn't matter now! I'm shutting this place down!

Cyril:
Someone shipped this garbage to us, so we ship it to someone else!

Ralph:
But that's not solving the problem! That's just passing it along!

Cyril:
It solves our problem!

Cyril:
There's big bucks in this recycling business, so I only think it's fair that you boys get to do some profit sharing of your own!

Pig One:
That's great boss!

Cyril:
I want you to go through this dump and recycle everything you can.

Pig Two:
But... but boss, what about the profit sharing?

Cyril:
You two porkers can share the work, 50/50. And I'll take all the profits!

Cyril:
(To the Pigs) Snag is gonna get the best in show, or you'll get the worst from me!

Cedric:
What are you three doing here?

Pig One:
Drowning! What's it look like?!

Pig Two:
Another dead end!

Pig Three:
Do you have to use that word?

Cedric:
Hi Pop! What's up?

Cyril:
Larceny! Grand theft pooch napping! That's what's up! I want this plastered all over the front page of your alleged newspaper.

Bert:
"Wanted, three pigs for the theft of one blue-point ridgeback retriever. Answers to the name of Snag. Generous reward for any information"?

Bentley:
Oh Lisa...

Lisa:
No way!

Bentley:
You didn't know what I was gonna say!

Lisa:
You wanted me to lend you the money to replace Bert's car and fix the window, so no way!

Bert:
So uh, how you feeling Bentley?

Bentley:
How do you think? I just got fired from my very first job!

Bert:
Aww cheer up little buddy! You'll be fired from other jobs! (chuckles)

Bentley:
You're not helping Bert...

Pig Two:
Are you crazy? Aren't our lives miserable enough? Anything else you'd like to confess while you're at it? How about the dent we punt into the limo hmm? Oh, why don't you tell him about the time we sold his cigars!

Cyril:
Well now! Do go on...

Pig Two:
Ohohoho, come on! Tell all!

Pig Three:
But you... you said you wanted to confess...

Pig One:
ALMOST! We said we ALMOST wanted to confess, we didn't say we actually wanted to confess!

Cyril:
Of all the two-faced filthy lying twisted things I have done, I have never stooped as low as you three malicious mudwallowers!

Pigs:
No boss.

Cyril:
Poor little Bentley, he must feel lousy... and the things I said to him! I hope you're proud of yourselves!

Pigs:
We're not boss...

(After going through some rapids)

Cyril:
I haven't done that since I was a kid! Speaking of which Bentley, you are off the hook! That whole computer mess wasn't your fault at all.

Bentley:
It wasn't? I can have my old job back?

Cyril:
Of course not. Never should have hired you in the first place! You're supposed to enjoy the summer. You'll have plenty of time to be a grown up!

Pig Three:
The instructions say to boil fruit in the pressure cooker at 10lbs for twenty minutes. So I figure if we make it to 200lbs for one minute it'll be twice as good!

Pig Two:
You know, your math's getting better everyday Lloyd!

Cyril:
(To the Pigs) If you three were buildings you'd be condemned! I want this kitchen rebuilt perfectly and it's coming out of your salary now!

Pig One:
(On a PA) Attention! It seems not all of you are aware of the rules! Rule number 1 - all those with red labels on their jars... hands up!

Pig Two:
You're disqualified!

Pig One:
Now don't get ugly!

Pig Two:
We're just doing our jobs!

Pig One:
We're in deep this time guys!

Pig Two:
With Mom judging, she's sure to recognise her own preserves!

Pig Three:
And we'll be in a pickle.

Pig One:
Oh what a jam!

Bert:
I did a sloppy job on the fireworks. I should have worked harder on everything!

Melissa:
You just worked too hard on too many things Bert.

Bert:
Yeah, and I let all my friends down.

Ralph:
Bert, we are your friends, and that's what makes it alright to say no to us.

Melissa:
We don't expect you to be a superman.

Ralph:
We understand.

Bert:
Gee, thanks guys.

Narrator:
Sometimes, trying to help out our friends, we make all sorts of promises. But the best promises of all are the ones we can keep.

Computerised Cyril:
(Responding to a phone call) Listen Leech, if I do not see some cold hard cash pronto, you will hear from so many lawyers that latin will become your second language!

Pig Three:
There's no one here!

Cyril:
I've been kept waiting for nothing! Who does this guy think he is?

Pig Three:
Maybe he just stepped out to, er, freshen up before your meeting!

Cyril:
I want to buy his company, not go out on a date with him!

Schaeffer:
Alright class, we shall begin at the beginning; breathing.

Bert:
Ha ha ha! Ah, come on Schaeffer we know how to breathe already! We've been doing it for years!

Schaeffer:
You must be the advanced class, heh heh heh!

Schaeffer:
I'm not teaching you boys how to fight. Martial arts teaches self-defense, and there's a big difference. Do you understand?

Bentley:
You're the best, sweetest, most understanding parents in the world! That's why you should let me have a puppy!

Nicole:
Bentley, for the last time you cannot have a puppy, until, you've proven you're responsible enough to take care of it!

Bentley:
I just DID the dishes, didn't I? And you didn't even have to ask me! I AM responsible!

Nicole:
Uh-huh. And what happened to your goldfish?

Bentley:
But I was just a kid then! If I had a puppy, I'd walk him, and feed him, and be the best friend a puppy ever had!

George:
You heard your mother, Bentley.

Bentley:
Fine. I guess I'm just gonna be a lonely boy without a dog... for the rest of my natural life. Sheesh.

Pig One:
"Where no man has broadcast before..." Boys, I've got it! This is gonna be a Mother's Day Mom will never forget!

Ralph:
Okay Schaeffer, how about this? If we change the ice hockey game to the football game, that means we can watch the baseball playoff, and still catch the golf tournament!

Schaeffer:
Not bad, but, what about the snooker challenge?

Ralph:
Oh yeah. Wait! It's on during the baseball game! We could flip between innings!

Melissa:
Ralph?

Ralph:
Hi Melissa. Oh hi Nicole. Didn't hear you come in.

Melissa:
Look what we've got! Tickets for the ballet for Wednesday! We stood in line for two hours but...

Ralph:
Wednesday... Wednesday... Ah, here we are! Oh, gee! Not a chance, Melissa! We've got to watch the divisional synchronized swimming finals on Wednesday!

Schaeffer:
And third round sumo wrestlings on right after.

Melissa:
Oh well, you couldn't miss that, could you?

Bert:
Okay, now you've got all Broo's stuff, but, uh... we better go over the list one more time. Let's see. Now you've got to walk him...

Bentley:
Four times a day, brush him once a day, he gets two bowls of puppy munch and fresh water at all times. I've got it, Bert. Just relax!

Nicole:
All set, Bentley?

Bentley:
You bet!

Bert:
Now you'll have a good time with Bentley, okay, little buddy?

Bentley:
See ya, Bert. Come on, Broo!

Nicole:
Don't worry, Bert, Broo will be fine.

Bert:
Bentley, where's Broo?

Bentley:
I left him outside. I told him to wait by the door.

Bert:
You left him outside? Alone? You call that looking after a puppy?

Bentley:
But it's only for a few minutes! And what could happen to him anyway?

Bert:
That's not the point Bentley, you said you'd look after him!

Bentley:
So Mom and Dad said I wasn't ready to take responsibility for a puppy.

Bert:
Well...

Bentley:
Yeah, yeah. You don't have to say it. They're right.

Bert:
However, it seems to me that admitting you're not ready for responsibility shows a certain amount of responsibility!

(The Pigs' broadcast for their mother has been on TV for three days)

Schaeffer:
It's on every channel!

Ralph:
(wails) All 340! No hockey, no football, no championship darts! No divisional synchronised swimming finals!

Schaeffer:
I don't think this is going to be very good for business Ralph.

Ralph:
(tearful) I think I'm going to cry Schaeffer!

Cyril:
Well, thanks to our late arrival, there's going to be trouble getting a table!

Knox:
Might I suggest we dine at my new private club, Lock Links?

JD:
Well then we could eat right away! Mmm! I can almost smell the food!

Cyril:
I smell something too and it's a bit fishy.

Pig One:
Good luck boss!

Cyril:
Luck? I don't need luck! I'm rich!

Bert:
They can't tear down our clubhouse! Why, we're not even on their land!

Cedric:
You're right Bert. But we can fix it up a bit! After all they're our neighbours now, and we should try to get along.

Bert:
Yeah I guess you're right. With a little work we could spruce this place up in no time. But we better be careful or those stuffed shirts at Lock Links will be over here wanting to join our club!

Bert:
Hi George! Hard at work on another pecan pie?

George:
Er, no, not exactly Bert.

Bert:
(looking in oven) Ah, a luxurious lime mousse!

George:
Bert, I'm cleaning the oven.

Bert:
What's going on Lisa? You've never smoked before!

Lisa:
I don't need a lecture Bert Raccoon!

Cyril:
(On the phone) I know you're just the secretary at Lock Links, but if you were to shuffle things around a bit I'm sure we can find a way to get into that club of yours. (pauses) I've got a pile of paper here, tens and twenties actually! That might... hello? Hello!? (Hangs up) Hah! I don't know if want to belong to a club that won't even take a bribe!

(Lisa catches Bentley pretending to smoke a cigarette)

Lisa:
Bentley Raccoon!

Bentley:
Lisa!

Lisa:
Take that thing out of your mouth right now buster!

Bentley:
Hey, I was only fooling around!

Lisa:
You don't fool around with cigarettes! You have any idea what they can do to your health? You can't breathe, they smell awful, they're expensive and once you start smoking it's almost impossible to stop! Bentley, cigarettes are NOT cool!

Bentley:
I know that stuff already. And you know that I don't smoke. Brother! Sisters can be so dumb!

(Cyril hears Lisa crying round the back of Bert and Cedric's clubhouse, and sees her tearing up her cigarettes)

Cyril:
Ahem! Something wrong kid?

Lisa:
Oh, Mr Sneer! I guess this looks weird to you, huh?

Cyril:
No, I've done this before. With cigars. You know, they don't break nearly as nicely but they're just as hard to quit.

Lisa:
Oh I've already quit!

Cyril:
Great! But why the tears? I'd be hilariously happy if I could quit.

Lisa:
But your friends wouldn't dump you if you did! I just lost a friend. She said I wouldn't fit in with her crowd.

Cyril:
Listen kid, some crowds just are not worth belonging to.

Lisa:
Yeah, but I wanted to belong.

Cyril:
Crowds, clubs, it's all the same deal. You do what they want, they let you join up. Pretty soon you're just like them. I was almost a Lock Links lemming! You don't want to be one of those do you?

Lisa:
I guess not.

Cyril:
Dare to be different. And never mind what the crowd thinks! Because as long as they're talking about you, they'll never forget about you!

Lisa:
I guess you're right! Y'know Mr Sneer, you're a lot different from what people have told me. You're okay!

Cyril:
What people? What did they say? Were there three of them? Short little fat guys with flat noses and squeaky voices?

Pig One:
Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to tell you to vote for Cyril Sneer!

Pig Two:
Because he promises open government behind closed doors!

Pig One:
Things are worse than we thought. Let's face it boys, if the boss loses, we lose. No cushy job as the mayor's assistants, no big office, no three hour lunches!

Pig Three:
(sobbing) What are we gonna do?

Pig One:
Get a grip on yourselves guys! There's only one honourable thing we can do...

Pigs:
(in unison) Cheat like crazy!

Pig Two:
The boss is gonna dump us and hire Lady Baden-Baden!

Pig Three:
They always said politics was a dirty business!

Pig One:
Well it's going to get a lot dirtier!

(Mr Knox is outlining him and Cyril's environmentally friendly intentions, but some members of the press are leaving)

Bert:
Hey, where are they all going?

Ralph:
That's the trouble with the press Bert. Good news is no news.

Mr Knox:
I never thought I'd see the day Mr Sneer. You and me working together for a better world.

Cyril:
Well as long as a better world means better profits, I'm all for it!

Bert:
Somebody just dumped this... this poison! How could they do it?

Cedric:
They just didn't care Bert.

Cyril:
Boys, we're going to find out who did this if it's the last thing we do.

Pig One:
Uh... we did it, boss.

Cyril:
YOU WHAT?

Pig One:
It was just a job boss!

Pig Two:
We don't even know who hired us!

Pig Three:
We didn't know what was in the barrels boss.

Pig One:
He wouldn't tell us.

Pig Two:
He just told us to dump them!

Pig Three:
He... he paid us a lot of money.

Cyril:
He paid you a lot of money. You want money? Here! Here's lots of money! Take it all. Take some more! Just give me back the fishing hole! Can you do that? Can you give me a price on that?! Can you?!

Milton Midas:
Gentlemen! Gentleman! I sure we can come to some accomodation here!

Mr Knox:
Oh I know we can, sir!

Cyril:
In fact we've arranged some accomodation for you! (Cuts to two police officers with handcuffs)

Milton Midas:
No! Wait! You've got it all wrong! It was an accident! Trust me! NOOOO!

Cedric:
That's my Pop. The environmental crusader!

Cyril:
(about the fishing hole) It was a good place. At least we've got our memories.

Bentley:
I don't. I never got the chance.

Cedric:
Maybe not Bentley. But feeling sorry about it won't change anything.

Bentley:
You're right Cedric. It's up to us. We've got to change things.

Narrator:
The sun has risen on another day in the Evergreen Forest. And while some folks have to struggle to get out of bed, Cyril Sneer has no such problem. He never went to bed!

Lisa:
Why are you quitting?

Bert:
Because!

Lisa:
What kind of answer is that? Are you quitting because you might lose to me?

Bert:
Of course not! I just don't feel like racing right now.

Lisa:
Bert Raccoon, you're acting like a child!

Cyril:
This is one million dollars we're talking about!

Cedric:
No, it's you we're talking about! 'Cause if you don't slow down... well, all the money in the world wouldn't buy me another pop.