The Tick, Season 1

Arthur:
I think I'm going crazy.

The Tick:
You're not going crazy, Arthur. You're going sane in a crazy world!

Chairface:
I haven't always had friends like you, because I was born...different. Because I didn't fit in, society shunned me. All my life, the world's tried to forget my face, but after tonight, they will never forget my name!

The Tick:
The party's over, Chairface! Give up, or we'll write this place off the face of the Earth!

Chairface:
[anticlimactically] Okay.

Arthur:
This cake is delicious, Dot. What is it?

Dot:
Chocolate.

Mr. Mental:
You know what I miss? I miss the old days, when I'd think up a sinister scheme for world domination and you'd show a little emotional support.

Mr. Mental:
Don't mess with me, fool! I'm cooking with gas!

[Stuart's store has been destroyed by the Breadmaster]

Arthur:
It must be quite a shock!

Stuart:
I'll say, I don't have bread insurance.

The Tick:
Don't despair, Stuart. You can rebuild! Here! Start with these. Cottony swabs.

Bee Twins:
Hey, what kind of corn soldiers are you?

Arthur:
Uh... We're colonels [kernels]!

Barry Hubris:
Where's the jerk who calls himself the TICK?!

The Tick:
I am that jerk!

The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight:
And so he says to me, he says, “You want to be a baaaaad guy?!” and I say, “Yeah, baby! I want to be bad!” I says, “Surf's up, Space Ponies! I'm making gravy without the lumps!” Ah ha ha ha ha haaaaa!

Big Shot:
As everyone knows, I used to be a very violent person. I tried to resolve all of my problems with [twitches psychotically] GUNS! But I've been going to therapy and it's turned my life around.

Arthur:
What are you...doing?

The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight:
Hi! I just, uh, I just, uh, wanted to use, the, uh, – and so he says, “Evil's okay in my book! What about yours?!” And I go, “Yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah!” – I just wanted to, uh, wash my hands.

Arthur:
Oh, uh, okay. But why does your bag say "bombs" on it?

The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight:
Oh, that's just, uh – Boom, baby, boom! I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight!

Arthur:
Oh great.

The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight:
Eat my smoke, copper! [laughs maniacally]

Barry Hubris:
Say uncle!

The Tick:
Okay. Uncle.

Barry Hubris:
No, no! You know, I mean renounce your name and call me the Tick!

The Tick:
You...are...Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry

Thrakkorzog:
Hey! What's happening here?

Thrakkorzog's roommate:
The little bunny guy was chafing himself on the ropes, so I loosened them up a bit.

Thrakkorzog:
You WHAT? He's a moth guy! And how many times do I have to say it? Don't touch my stuff! This is my side of the living room and that is your side of the living room! And must you drink milk straight out of the milk carton? It's DISGUSTING!

[The Tick is trying to determine the real Arthur from an evil clone]

Arthur:
Remember that time my sister gave me that V neck sweater vest for my birthday and we tried to return it to the store and they'd only give me credit and I was so upset and then at lunch they put onions on my cheeseburger after I expressly asked the waitress not to. Do you remember that day, Tick?

The Tick:
Indeed I do. Now your turn.

Arthur clone:
I Arthur.

The Tick:
I can't argue with that.

The Tick:
It's your turn now, Thorace-bog.

Thrakkorzog:
It's Thrakkorzog. Thrakkorzog. With a K.

The Tick:
We're only serving humble pie, Whatchamazog.

Thrakkorzog:
For the last time, it's...

The Tick:
Thorax-and-a-bog. Four-yacks-and-a-dog.

Thrakkorzog:
No.

The Tick:
Ah, laxative-log.

Thrakkorzog:
No, no, no.

The Tick:
Sapsucker-frog.

Thrakkorzog:
Thrakkorzog!

The Tick:
Susan?

Thrakkorzog:
Now you're doing it on purpose. How juvenile.

Brainchild:
Dog! In the morning, you're gonna fetch me a microwave oven! The dimwits that manufactured it have no idea of its many evil settings.

Pineapple Air steward:
Would anyone care for some complimentary tap water?

The Tick's Mind:
Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I'm easily distracted by shiny objects.

The Tick:
Yeah, shiny objects are nice.

[They have approached a giant statue called Tick's self-image]

The Tick's Mind:
This is our chance to delve deep into our psyche and find the immutable truth! You can only it one and only one question.

The Tick:
Okay okay, one question, check. [Clears throat] How ya doing?

[Tick's self-image gives a thumbs up]

The Tick's Mind:
Oh great. That's your big question? That's your big truth? You goober!

The Tick:
Look, thumbs up! We're doing fine!

The Tick's Mind:
Tick, there's only one way out of this predicament. Tick, why are you here?

The Tick:
Wait, I know this one. Now, don't tell me...I'm here because...a big clown hit me!

[He finally returns to reality]

The Tick:
Step one: We must choose battle cries. You know, the cries we always emit just before leaping into battle.

Arthur:
Oh, you mean like, "Not in the face! Not in the face!"

The Tick:
Lacks force, chum. No, more like, more like... [He sees his reflection in the spoon] SPOON!

Arthur:
Get out! Get out of my apartment!

The Tick:
What?

Arthur:
Get out of my apartment! No, no...get out of my life!