Top Gear, Series 1

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's show: a supercar from a shed in Leicestershire; a rock star in our Reasonably-Priced car; and how many bikes can you jump with a bus.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's show: Grannies doing Doughnuts; is the new Mini any good?; Ultimate Force in our Reasonably-Priced car; and the bed spring with a bike engine takes on the Zonda around our track.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
On tonight's Top Gear: Steve Coogan has a go in our reasonably priced car; buying a used Nissan Skyline; and we give world rally champion Richard Burns a taste of his own medicine.

Jeremy:
[to a young woman on the street] What have you got for a price of a Vanquish, then...? That house there?

Young Woman:
Mmm-hmm

Jeremy:
Detached house: three bedrooms; lounge, whatever one of those is... three bedroom house, for about the same as the Aston. Would you rather have that house or that car.

Young Woman:
The car.

Jeremy:
Good girl.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's Top Gear: The most relaxing way to spend 280,000 pounds on a car; Richard reveals a budget Bond car; and a floppy haired star in our reasonably priced car.

[on the Bentley]

Jeremy:
You probably think there's nothing to be scared of. You probably think you can handle it-like heroin. But look... I mean, I'm going 60 miles an hour-just a little cough [lets out a cartoonish cough] and we're doing 70... and then we're going 80... and now we're doing 90... I'm and starting to feel drowsy, 'cause it's so relaxing, as we go past 100, and 110 [trails off]... 130!

[trying to get a phone number stored on the Mercedes-Benz W220's system]

Jeremy:
349

Female Computer Voice:
249

Jeremy:
Why don't you listen?

Female Computer Voice:
Dialing.

Jeremy:
No! Don't dial that! I don't know who that is, it might be the Queen!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's Top Gear: Evidence that the French have gone mad; evidence that the Germans have gone mad; and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back!

Jeremy:
One of these days, he's gonna kill himself and we're gonna need a new Stig.

[on the Renault Vel Satis]

Jeremy:
It's capable of going fast in the same way that Queen Victoria was capable of running. It just doesn't seem to like it very much.

[Presenting the new BMW Z4]

Richard:
You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

Jeremy:
The star we have tonight in our reasonably-priced car may look like a boy, but he is, in fact, called Tara. And that, I suppose, makes him a girl.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's Top Gear: rock star in our reasonably priced car; I learn how to drive a Lotus Elise properly; and it's religious racing as we find the fastest faith.

[on the fastest faith]

Jeremy:
It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's Top Gear: A Knight in our reasonably priced car; Maserati's new coupe takes on our track; and lock out your door mirrors: we set out to find Britain's fastest white van driver.

Jeremy:
Now you said to me before we went out, you said, "Can you roll it," and I said "No no!"

Michael Gambon:
No, I didn't mean-I thought, "would it roll?"

Jeremy:
Well, yes, plainly all the evidence...

Jeremy:
While we're on the subject of parking, I, um... you know where we nail this program together, it's in the middle of London, okay, there's a multi-storey car park next door, two hours: £9 in there. So if you're two hours and five minutes, eighteen quid. Well, I went into Oxford last weekend, parked on double-yellow lines, right outside where I wanted to be, okay? Took the children out for lunch, went to see James Bond, got back five hours later... twenty quid parking ticket. That's pretty reasonable!

Jeremy:
I got a ticket the other day, and I kid you not, for being parked badly. Since when did it become like ice skating? Where they're all standing there, well, no, I don't think that is well parked, 4 out of... and only 3 from the Nigerian judge!

Jeremy:
Used to live in Fulham right next to the car pound in London. so you could drive up the west end, have a few drinks, leave the car, wobble home best way you could, wake up in the morning, they've towed it home for you. It was pricy, but kind of worth it.

[Reading the information Audi sent them on the new gearbox for the Audi TT.]

Jeremy:
As on conventional manual gearboxes, the transmission ratios are present on input and auxilliary shafts in the form of pairs of toothed wheels. In contrast to manual gearboxes, the input shaft is divided into two sections. It comprises an outer hollow shaft and... Oh, look! Are there any engineers here? Is there anyone here who has that first, tiny grasp of engineering?

Richard:
I mean, is it an automatic or a manual even?

Jeremy:
[pointing to an audience member] You! You have. Look, I'm going to give you this and by the end of we've finished the news I want to understand that gearbox. Work it out. It's your homework.

[Still on the Audi TT gearbox]

Richard:
Is it an automatic or a manual?

Jeremy:
It's witchcraft! That's what it is.

[Watching Michael Gambon in the Suzuki Liana.]

Jeremy:
You had to look at the gear lever to change there. Which is kind of like reading moving your lips... which I suppose is what you do for a living really.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's Top Gear: The ultimate family cars; what is the best hot hatchback; and the Stig meets his match on our track.

Jeremy:
No, you see I had one last week: Boxster S, new car, fantastic really, the most beautifully balanced... I felt like a prat.

[On the news of the MV Tricolor sinking with nearly 3000 new cars on board]

Jeremy:
But there's plenty to talk about. Most important of all, of course, Jacques Cousteau opened a dealership in the English Channel.

[On the MG SV.]

Jeremy:
If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.

Jason:
...and the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...

Jeremy:
Yeah...

Jason:
...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

[On the Bugatti Veyron.]

Jeremy:
A thousand horse power!

Richard:
That is an astonishing amount of power.

Jeremy:
You'll go from nought to the grave in 2 seconds. Boof! I'm dead. I accelerated... Dead.

[The first opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
This... is a car programme. There will be no cushions, there will be no rag-rolling, no-one will sing, and at the end of the series, no-one will have a recording contract. This is our new base, and this is our purpose-built test track. There are no traffic jams here, ooh... apart from this one, and no bus-lanes either. THIS... IS Top Gear!

[talking about the problems on the Range Rover]

Richard:
They did suffer a few problems, I mean it was with stuff like the paintwork. Interior trim, bit rattly. Engines, they can be a problem.

Jeremy:
Yeah, the 4-litre.

Richard:
And the 4.6.

Jeremy:
And the diesel.

Richard:
All the engines.

[reviewing the nominations for the 'Weirdest Renault' category]

Richard:
The Vel Satis. It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. The Mégane; a family car, but only if your family is The Osbournes. And the Avantime; it's a sporty coupe, but only if you don't want a car that's sporty. Or a coupe.