Top Gear, Series 20

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he has the worlds largest collection of horse eggs, and that when he knocks Rafael Nadal out this week it wasn't during a game of tennis.

Jeremy:
The Bugatti Veyron, sometimes you're using 15 horsepower, sometimes you're using only ten. This [gesturing to the Toyota Corolla he rented], you have 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up to the moment you crash it.

[While filling in an accident report form]

Jeremy:
"Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?" Yes, I was. "Explain how accident occurred." A maniac came the other way. "State who in your opinion was responsible for the accident." Him! Him! He was mad.

[Jeremy calls James during the New Zealand race, and mistakes Sir Ben Ainslie for Sir Ben Kingsley]

Jeremy:
Is it exhausting?

James:
No, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant, but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that.

Jeremy:
Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi and Sexy Beast?

[In the current reasonably priced car, the Vauxhall Astra]

Charles Dance:
[smiling] Nearly nobbled a cameraman.

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I play tennis. Richard points at a minibus. And James shakes hands with two men.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he breaks into people's houses at night and leaves two mysterious extra keys in a kitchen drawer. And that as a result of buying Pirelli condoms this week, he now has 17 children.

[During The News, Jeremy announces that he has been cycling]

Richard:
I don't believe you, and I think this has become a new mystery. It's like a yeti. So if maybe somebody's seen him, if you have seen Jeremy on his bicycle, write to us, please, at "Help, I've Burst From Laughing, Top Gear, Wood Lane, wherever". I don't believe you.

Jeremy:
I'm going to ride down here - No, I'm not going to ride down here next week. That's idiotic. I barely ride to the paper shop.

Richard:
I'm thinking that would be an epic test. (James) in that Ferrari, (Jeremy) in the McLaren, me in that Zonda.

Jeremy:
Anybody want to see that?

Audience:
Yeah!

Richard:
So do I. I want to do that.

Jeremy:
Let's see if we can put that together.

Richard:
Yeah, I want to do that.

James:
But you know how people often come up to us and say, "When will Top Gear end?"

Richard:
About three minutes after us three have set off.

Jeremy:
Yeah, in a big fireball. Does anybody want to see THAT?

Audience:
[louder] Yes!

[While test driving the Ferrari F12berlinetta]

Jeremy:
Mmm! We have everything we need. Huge scenery, swooping road, no traffic. The Holy Trinity for anyone whose communion wine comes with an octane rating.

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, a dog looks over a wall. We drive some chairs. And The Stig does a skid in a supercharged Jag.

[During the Budget Convertibles Across Spain Challenge]

Jeremy:
[in the McLaren MP4-12C Spider] So, Spain. Six million unemployed and they have a smaller population than we do. Two million households have no income at all. 57 percent youth unemployment.

Jeremy:
[voice over] Right now, though, James was dealing with rather more serious issues.

James:
[in the Audi R8 V10 Spyder] The cabin is too blustery. I've got both the windows up and I have the windshield thing at the back up, but my hair still whips me in the eyeballs. I know some of you are going, "Why don't you get your hair cut, then?" Lots of people have lots of hair.

[After eating Jeremy's cooking]

James:
£70,000 will buy a cook.

Richard:
Would it interfere with this debate if I was suddenly and violently sick?

[While test driving the Mercedes SLS AMG Black Series]

Jeremy:
[voice over] Of course, if you turn the traction control off and stamp on the throttle, you can get it to misbehave. But you sense immediately that it doesn't want to do this. [in the car] It doesn't like that. [imitating German accent] "I am a serious racing car, English sir! Don't drive with your clown shoes on!"

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he also has a button that makes him hum, and that if he played football for Manchester United, he'd be loyal, because he's not a potato-headed oaf.

[After part 1 of the Hovervan segment was shown, in which the van sank in a reservoir]

Jeremy:
Well, that was a complete catastrophe and it was all Hammond's fault.

Richard:
How was it my fault?

Jeremy:
Because, as predicted, those engines weren't powerful enough.

Richard:
No, the problem was, and I never thought I'd say this, James's skirt was too small. [laughter]

James:
No, no, I'm not having that, there was nothing wrong with my skirt. The problem was that (Jeremy) just charged into the water, as usual, like an imbecile.

Richard:
The thing with hovercrafting is it's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, disaster.

Jeremy:
The hovercraft has run amok in a lock!

[While going up a small weir in the Mark II Hovervan]

Jeremy:
In the Shakespearean style, "Horsepower, horsepower, my kingdom for some horsepower!"

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight... Richard drives a new Lamborghini. James and I go on a caravan holiday. And a rock god is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

[On the Ford EcoSport]

James:
Well, hang on, that's not going to work. Because we know the voice recognition in cars is rubbish. It never works, does it? So, if you just say, "The Police", it will probably actually ring the police.

Jeremy:
No, it will! It will, it will! Because this car's got a feature on it that if you have an accident or get into problems, it calls the emergency services for you.

Richard:
Well, that's just a recipe for disaster.

Jeremy:
You'll be sitting there going, "Right, get the fire brigade," and it would play The Move! [singing] "Get the fire brigade, get the fire brigade -"

Richard:
"Oh, I'm in trouble, help!" [singing] "I need somebody, help!" What a terrible way to die, trapped in your car, listening to all the embarrassing rubbish on your iPod.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he's married to one of Princess Anne's hats. And that he spent all week standing outside a hospital in London pretending to be Nicholas Witchell.

[In the Mazda CX-5]

Jeremy:
It's got automatic brakes! It stopped without me asking it to, 'cause it thought I was going to hit the hedge. Get in. Right, try to run me down.

James:
Oh, all right. Now, if this doesn't work, you all heard him say, "Try to run me down."

[On Steven Tyler's lap]

Steven Tyler:
You know what, my mum used to say don't ever be afraid: she said amateurs built the Ark and pros built the Titanic. Meanwhile, I got in this car and I was scared to death.

[While off-roading with caravans in tow, Jeremy's caravan starts to break down completely]

James:
Oh, no. This is disastrous, I'm actually driving through Jeremy's caravan!

Jeremy:
James, are things as bad back there as I suspect they are?

James:
Well, let me put it this way, I've run over your left hand wall. Oh, and your portable lavatory! [laughs]

[A few miles later, on someone's lawn]

James:
I could actually overtake now but this is too amusing. I've got to - [laughs uncontrollably]

James:
[voice over] Sadly, I was laughing so much, I crashed … into myself.

James:
[jackknifing] I've spun!

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I point at some fields. Richard minces round a corner. And James describes his ideal night in.

James:
[in a bus] Vomit and sputum, and other bodily secretions.

[While driving the Range Rover Sport through muddy waters]

Richard:
I feel like I'm driving a luxury hotel room through a swamp.

[Comparing the larger Range Rover with the smaller Range Rover Sport]

Jeremy:
This is bigger, and bigger, as we know, is always better than smaller.

Richard:
Well, not always, not in … Not in bruises, it's not.

Jeremy:
Not bruises, no. Premium Bond wins.

Richard:
Heart attacks.

Jeremy:
Erm … Fireworks.

Richard:
Unexpected bills.

Jeremy:
Ladies, can you think of anything which is better when it's bigger than smaller? [laughter]

[On Mark Webber's departure from Formula 1]

Jeremy:
So are you going to miss your teammate?

Mark Webber:
Am I going to miss Seb? Probably not a huge amount, no. In a competitive environment, there's always going to be a bit of needle. There's a lot of history between us two, obviously, that's gone before.

Jeremy:
Did it start in Malaysia when he suddenly lost the ability to hear? It was basically "Don't overtake Mark", and then he heard everything apart from the "don't". I mean, you're an Aussie. Have you never felt tempted to … [showing his fist] "This is for Gallipoli, blam!"

Mark Webber:
A lot of people are saying yes. I'm a bit concerned. My dad always says, "You shouldn't hit boys, mate", so … [laughter]

Jeremy:
Good one.

Jeremy:
It was PJ O'Rourke, the American author, who first noticed that hire cars are the fastest cars in the world. He is, of course, completely correct, because when was the last time you took your car to the redline? Or you drove it flat out? Never. But here, in this, now, yeees, because it isn't mine.