Top Gear, Series 21

[After the Supermarket Sweep with classic hothatches challenge, Jeremy's car needed repairs]

Jeremy:
Yes, the handling characteristics were affected by a small accident last night with some beef stew.

Richard:
Oh, dear.

Jeremy:
I hit the bottom of the wheel and it's gone in. But you can solve it - [hitting the wheel bracket with a hammer]

Richard:
Yes, I've seen that done. Most F1 teams do something similar. [laughs]

[While being chased by the Top Gear Police Department for a challenge]

Jeremy:
Recent figures say that in London, 12 police cars are crashed every day. And the reason is, it's because they are driving in high-energy difficult situations while under the influence … of the moustache.

Richard:
[chasing Jeremy in a police car] Got a moustache, got a moustache, got a moustache. [fails to corner several scenes later]

Jeremy:
Oh, he's lost it! Totally distracted by his face decoration.

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, two swans move their heads about, I eat a shoe and James says he's not fat.

James:
I'm not fat.

[While chasing the Alfa Romeo 4C across Lake Como on a Gibbs Quadski]

Jeremy:
I know exactly what music we have to play now.

[Sailing by Rod Steward is played]

Jeremy:
No, not that! Cue the Bond!

[James Bond Theme by Monty Norman is played]

[While introducing the McLaren P1 film]

Richard:
Now, this is the brand-new £866,000 McLaren P1, probably the most advanced and jaw-dropping car the world has ever seen.

Jeremy:
Hmm. The attention to detail in this thing boggles the mind. It is … It's almost science fiction. And so, there was only one place on Earth where I could test it properly. Belgium. [laughter]

[On McLaren P1's interiors]

Jeremy:
But it was not what you'd call luxurious. It is, frankly, as well equipped as a pair of monk's underpants. And that's because, like the Alfa we saw earlier, this car was designed to be as fat as Iggy Pop.

Jeremy:
And what I find hysterical about that is that McLaren has taken this hybrid technology, which is designed to reduce the impact of the internal combustion engine and is using it to increase the impact. That's like weaponising a wind farm. Or buying the Rainbow Warrior and turning it into an oil tanker.

[On Richard siding the Porsche 918 vs. Jeremy siding the McLaren P1]

Jeremy:
Hammond, I'll do you a deal. If the Porsche is faster round our track than this, I will change my name, by deed poll, to Jennifer.

Richard:
Really?

Jeremy:
Yes.

Richard:
Promise?

Jeremy:
Yes.

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I eat a cabbage, James throws a bird out of a car and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.

Richard:
USB.

[After Jeremy's film on the Zenvo STI, which ended with the car catching fire]

James:
How much is this thing?

Jeremy:
How much? …£800,000.

James:
[surprised tone] 800?!

Jeremy:
Yes.

James:
Are there any upsides to it?

Jeremy:
Uh, upsides, yes. The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights. [laughter]

James:
Apart from the fire?

Jeremy:
Apart from the fire… Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.

James:
Well, it would be quiet. It was broken.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex. [slow-building laughter] And that on a recent trip to Cornwall, he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset. [laughter] All we know is he's called The Stig!

Jeremy:
How's it go?

Richard:
[quoting The Charge of the Light Brigade by Alfred, Lord Tennyson] "Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die."

Jeremy:
"Into the valley of Death rode the six hundred."

Richard:
And that is the valley.

Jeremy:
That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened.

[On James Blunt's best comebacks on Twitter]

Jeremy:
Don't they take a long time to think of?

James Blunt:
I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying.

Jeremy:
Somebody said here, [reading] "Why have you only got 200,000 followers?" And you replied, "Jesus only needed 12." [laughter] You've got to admit… they are properly very funny. [reading] "James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice." You went, "Yes, and no mortgage "

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I sit on a rock, James gets something in his eye.

James:
Ow!

Jeremy:
And Richard says, "Mummy!".

Richard:
Oh, Mummy!

[After Jeremy and Richard ridiculed James for his review of Caterham 160 and Superlight 620R]

James:
Have you quite finished?

Jeremy:
Well, not really because there's a lot to go through but, sadly, we must now find out how fast these cars go round our track and that, of course, means handing them over to a man who can actually drive. Some say that he once put Helen Mirren in a dishwasher. And that at the Winter Olympics he was disqualified from the skeleton event for riding down the hill on an actual skeleton. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[While driving the Touring Disco Volante]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] So, it doesn't feel like an 8C. And it certainly doesn't sound like one either.

Jeremy:
Oh, it's the most… soulful-sounding car I think I've ever heard. It's as though the entire exhaust system is actually made out of Otis Redding.

[On the Touring Disco Volante's high price]

Jeremy:
And what's amazing is that, in Singapore, you're not allowed to drive a left-hand drive car on the road. So he's paid £1.5 million for a car he can't drive.

James:
He's completely mad.

Jeremy:
He isn't - somebody's just paid, what, £42 million for a Francis Bacon painting. You can't drive that, either. [laughter]

James:
It's not a car.

Jeremy:
James, I haven't got time for your pedantry.

[After The Stig gets in a Nissan GT-R to pull tablecloth off a table]

Richard:
Hold on a minute.

Jeremy:
Yes, what?

Richard:
So you are saying, he is going to drive across our darkened studio, peering through his darkened visor?

Jeremy:
Yes.

Richard:
Is this how this Stig dies? [laughter]

James:
Has he done a book?

Jeremy:
No, he hasn't. Right, is he ready?

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
[voice over] Tonight, Richard opens a glove box, James pulls a face, and I ask an important question. [spoken on camera] Have you ever put toothpaste on your testicles?

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his hair is the exact same shape as a hat. And that if he worked for CNN… [rubs his hands together as the audience laughs] …he wouldn't get such pitifully low ratings that his show got cancelled. [loud laughter and applause as Jeremy smiles broadly]

[In the Porsche 918 Spyder]

Richard:
McLaren have used hybrid technology to liven up a supercar today. Porsche have used hybrid technology to save the supercar for tomorrow. This is an important car.

Listed as the Top Gear:
Burma Special

[On motorway message boards saying things like "Check your fuel level"]

Jeremy:
Well, anyway, the committee that decides on what messages flashed up - and it is a committee, we checked - has been told to stop doing that sort of thing, OK, because the government says it's distracting. But it isn't distracting, it's irritating. Scarlett Johansson in a short skirt on a windy day on a motorway bridge, that is distracting. That would be. It's distracting now.