Weeds, Season 4

Nancy:
[looking at Bubbie sleeping] Jesus, time is cruel. We should start taking fish oil.

Andy:
And green tea.

Shane:
Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life. Get real. It's all downhill from 30 on.

Andy:
Shut up!

Nancy:
Be quiet. [Silas walks in] What did they say?

Silas:
That the nurse was fired a month ago. Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.

Andy:
Oh, shit, family member? No, no, no. Forget this. I'm leaving.

Nancy:
Oh, no, wait. We don't know for sure. Don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere?

Andy:
He probably sunk it. It's him. I know it's him. Look. Look around. Paintings missing from the wall. All right, here we go. Tchotchkes missing. Bubbie's watching the World Poker Tour? [looks in the fridge] Ah! Look. [holds up boxed wine] He's here.

Lenny:
Excuse me. who the hell are you, bursting in here like this and telling me how to take care of Grandma? With Not-Francie, no less.

Shane:
Who?

Lenny:
It's your mother. Never mind.

Shane:
Her name is Nancy.

Andy:
He knows that. He just won't say it.

Silas:
Who's Francie?

Lenny:
That's the woman your father should've married.

Andy:
Why are you always such a prick to me?

Lenny:
I'm just not sure you're mine, so I keep an emotional distance.

Andy:
If only that were true and I wasn't looking at the Ghost of Hanukkah Future, fighting the urge to throw myself off a cliff.

Lenny:
[complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.

Andy:
Father of the year.

Lenny:
What the f*** does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.

Andy:
It was Boba Fett.

Lenny:
I don't even know what that means!

[while in the back of the van discussing pulling the plug on Bubbe}

Silas:
Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.

Andy:
Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah…

(Doug walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)

Doug:
What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny:
Is that her pimp?

Shane:
My mom is not a prostitute!

Lenny:
Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?

Shane:
No!

Lenny:
A Costco?

Shane:
No!

Lenny:
Is she a coke dealer?

Shane:
Um...no. (Doug walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)

Doug:
What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny:
Weed! Your mothers a weed dealer!!

Shane:
Give me back her money.

Doug:
Hey, dude. What's going on?

Shane:
[Silas is putting is grow-house in his room] Teenage rebellion.

Doug:
F***, yeah! Stick it to the old people.

Shane:
What are you doing here?

Doug:
Eating cereal.

Shane:
I mean, why are you here in our house, Mr. Wilson? Where's your family?

Doug:
My family left me, buddy. My life's a toilet. These corn flakes, they're old. My asshole is on fire. I hate myself. You happy now?

Nancy:
[looks around the table at everyone, who are all injured in some way] So... [laughs] We've had a trying couple of weeks. We lost our homes. A Bubbie. But we have this food. This lovely roof over our heads, recent bee infestation excluded, which my father-in-law has offered up at a ridiculously inflated price. I've had a particularly challenging last 24 hours. But... Ah... But in the drive-through at Popeyes I found myself saying, "Family combo, please." And it was a moment of clarity. What I mean to say is, I was thinking of you today. All of you. Andy, I think in the past I've dismissed you as being the kind of guy you couldn't really count on and I was wrong. You've been a rock to this family. We need you. Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you to our country. I hope you get to stay. Keep a low profile. Blend. Shane, I've been unavailable to you and that's rotten. I will be more present. Silas, you've taken on more responsibility in a time of upheaval and it's been admirable. We still need to talk about the GED. Doug, I'm sorry. You and Dana are having problems. But you need to find a place of your own to live. And you need to seek medical attention. And finally, maybe, um... possibly... Wow. I owe an apology to the woman to my right. I left her holding a very big bag. It was not my finest hour. I'm sorry Celia. All of us are sorry.

Doug:
[to old woman in bar] Listen, you cock-juggling thunder cunt...

El Coyote:
[pointing a gun at Andy] It is time to pay, cabrón.

Andy:
[to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.

Doug:
I pictured him taller.

El Coyote:
[pointing a gun at Andy] I will shoot your knee and shoot your balls. I will shoot your belly...and feed you to the sewer rats.

Doug:
Does that mean that I can go?

Doug:
I'm a sidekick, Andy. I'm a sad and lonely sidekick. I'm Andrew Ridgeley.

Andy:
What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...

Doug:
I bought it, Andy. It sucked.

Raul:
"El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?

Doug:
People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.

Andy:
That's the one, Raul.

Raul:
We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

Doug:
[to Maria (Mermex)] You're gonna love this country. The land of freedom and opportunity. And...[turns it on] air conditioning. Ah, do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.

Andy:
[trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.

[Doug nods in agreement]

Andy:
She's the woman that he's gonna marry.

Doug:
Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

Minute-Man Leader:
[about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.

Andy:
"Give you one"?! These are people!

Doug:
Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]

Minute-Man Leader:
[to Doug] Get the f*** out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]

[after Maria (Mermex) doesn't want to have sex with him]

Doug:
It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.

Andy:
It's been one day.

Doug:
And a half.

Andy:
[about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.

Doug:
How do I do that?

Andy:
You talk to her.

Doug:
Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?

Andy:
About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.

Doug:
She's an orphan?

Andy:
Yeah.

Doug:
Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.

[after Doug doesn't care he accidentally stepped on a sand castle]

Kid:
You're a bad man.

Doug:
You're a bad castle builder.

Celia:
[to her drug rehab group] We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.

Drug rehab secretary:
We ran your insurance info a few times, and it's not exactly accurate.

Celia:
What seems to be the problem?

Drug rehab secretary:
You don't have any. The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...and Korean.

[to the drug rehab secretary about not having insurance]

Celia:
Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...

Drug rehab secretary:
I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.

Maria (Mermex):
He is a terrible man.

Andy:
What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.

Maria (Mermex):
He is a criminal.

Andy:
He's an accountant.

Maria (Mermex):
A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.

Andy:
A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.

Maria (Mermex):
He has warts on his genitals.

Andy:
Yeah, I got nothing to that.

Celia:
I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.

Drug rehab's group counselor:
[after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.

Maria (Mermex):
[grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.

Andy:
No, no. It's just windy out.

Maria (Mermex):
I do not think it is the wind.

Andy:
[trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down] Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!

Doug:
As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?

Andy:
[after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.

Maria (Mermex):
[to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.

Celia:
[to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.