White Collar, Season 2

Neal:
Hell hath no fury like a fed scorned.

Peter:
Neal was a felon. He was convicted of bond forgery. And as you can see in those files, he was suspected of doing a hell of a lot of other things. Yeah, Neal was a pain in the ass. So did somebody from that past want him dead? Maybe. But he also helped me clear a 93% conviction rate. And that makes enemies, too.

Neal:
[having been handed a file by Diana] Oh, Peter, how could you keep this from me?

Diana:
[serious, to Peter] I'm sorry, boss, but he needed to know.

Peter:
[thinking that it's the music box file] Neal, listen--

Neal:
I was expecting a little more Magnum PI, [turns file to reveal picture of mustachioed Peter, Peter looks horrified] and a little less Super Mario Bros.

Peter:
I burned those; I burned all of those! Diana, where--?

Neal:
[holding picture in front of his face as he walks up the stairs; Italian falsetto] I'm-a Mario!

Peter:
Yeah, you look good in orange!

Neal:
[watching a news clip] Gary Jennings, state senator.

Peter:
You've heard of him?

Neal:
I am politically aware. He's popular; even Mozzie voted for him.

Peter:
[surprised] Mozzie votes?

Neal:
More often than you'd think--or would approve of.

Neal:
Now all we need is a bad cop.

Peter:
I can do bad cop.

Neal:
I've seen you do mildly irritated cop-- [Peter glares at him] Wow...

Peter:
[after calling Diana into his office] You gonna tell her?

Neal:
I'm not telling her, you tell her.

Peter:
You're the one who made her a hooker!

Neal:
You're the one who's sleeping with her.

Peter:
You got a point.

Diana:
[stepping into the office] Yeah?

Peter:
Neal told Jennings you're a hooker, you and I are having an affair, you're gonna go meet with an escort service.

Diana:
[perfectly calm and unsurprised] Okay. Anything else?

Peter:
No. [Diana walks out of room]

Neal:
[pause] It's good to have her back.

Neal:
[Diana is sitting on his lap to fake being an escort] Is this doing anything for you?

Diana:
[leans forward slightly] Not a damn thing.

Neal:
[about Diana pretending to be an escort and being 'auditioned'] What were you gonna do if I hadn't come in?

Diana:
[puts a strawberry in Neal's mouth while sitting on his lap] I would put this strawberry in that guy's mouth, take him up to my room, put a gun between his ribs, and tell him to sit tight, or I'd arrest him for solicitation.

Neal:
[pause] That is really sexy.

Diana:
Yeah.

Neal:
I love a good art heist.

Peter:
Solving a good art heist.

Neal:
That's what I said.

Peter:
Mmm. Ever been on a campus?

Neal:
Not as a student.

Peter:
And yet you have three MBAs and two doctorates.

Neal:
Clearly something's wrong with the system.

Neal:
[holding his cell phone] Do you mind? I have to call Mozzie.

Peter:
Are you sure Mozzie didn't do it?

Neal:
[confidently] Yeah.

Peter:
Why?

Neal:
Slash and grab. [Peter is still confused] The frame's too high?

Peter:
Oh.

Diana:
[regarding the Criminology class] If you like that, you're gonna love this. This is the syllabus for the class.

Peter:
[takes one look at the syllabus; sounds weak] Oh. [looks back up at Diana] He's gonna be impossible after that. [standing up and walking out of office] Where's Neal?!

Excerpt from a college criminology class syllabus:

Neal:
Forger

A new breed of forger, technological virtuoso with a classical artistic foundation. Suspected of art forgery, theft of the Antioch manuscripts, and convicted of bond forgery. Caffrey was suspected of hundreds of thefts before Agent Burke of the FBI apprehended him. His highly sophisticated schemes made it difficult for the FBI to follow his trail, along with his mastery of the arts made many of his crimes go unnoticed for many years, long after the trail was cold.

He had a few accomplices, none on record, most of the time choosing to work alone, keeping the number of people that could turn on him to near zero. It is estimated that he forged over 10.3 billion dollars of priceless antiquities. Never the wiser, the FBI pursued him for six years and finally caught him.

Veronica [college student suspected in an art theft]:
When executing a heist, Mr. Caffrey, do you prefer boxers or briefs?"

Neal:
"I think some things are better left to the imagination.

Peter:
I wear a Badge, he wears a Tracking-Anklet!

Peter:
Where's the little guy?

Neal:
Mozz!

[Mozzie walks up to stand next to Neal]

Peter:
You two can fill me in from the beginning back at the Bureau! [walks away angrily]

Mozzie:
He wants me to go to the Bureau?

Neal:
Yeah, Mozz, if you want the FBI's help you have to go to the Bureau.

Mozzie:
Do you know what they do to guys like me at the Bureau?

Neal:
[pulls up his pant leg to show his tracking anklet] Yeah, Mozz, I do.

Sara:
Nothing's changed. I'm dead. And the city looks the same.

Neal:
As far as the world knows, you're no longer in it, but it keeps turning

Sara:
What do you want from me, Caffrey?

Neal:
Who says I want anything?

Sara:
I do. You're a con man. You smile for a living. And you're smiling at me right now, so I know that you want something.

Neal:
All right. I would love… For you to pass me that fortune cookie. You first.

Sara:
Apparently excitement and intrigue follow me. How about you?

Neal:
I make delicious soups.

Sara:
See you caffrey.

Neal:
[sarcastically] So happy to have you back in my life.

Sara:
Any attempt on your life actually gets your blood flowing like a double shot of red wine expresso. I think I just invented a new drink.

Peter:
Neal, this is John Deckard from the Marshals' office.

John Deckard:
Are you sure it's necessary to bring him [Neal] in?

Peter:
Neal, how long did you evade the U.S. Marshals?

Neal:
Well, technically, they never found me. You did.

Kyle Bancroft (FBI Agent in Charge of the White Collar Crime Division):
As I heard it, you had the Marshals searching for you along the Mexican Riviera.

Peter:
If anyone knows about evading arrest, it's Neal Caffrey.

Neal:
I think you missed your calling. Tiny cup, big office, expensive suits?

Peter:
Ugly mugs are fine.

Neal:
Don't fight your instincts, Peter. Embrace your true self.

Peter:
You done?

Neal:
I can keep going.

Peter:
You're done.

Peter:
[to Neal] You're a liability, you're benched.

Neal:
You can't pull me off this, Peter.

Peter:
I can do whatever I want with you.

Mozzie:
We all grow up.

Mozzie's contact:
All children [looks at Neal] 'cept one.

Mozzie:
Suit, we have a code red.

Peter :
Now is not the time, Mozzie.

Mozzie:
It's a dark day when I turn towards the system instead of recoiling.

Peter:
Just spit it out.

Mozzie:
Remember when you asked me to tell you if Neal was gonna do something stupid? Well, I regretfully report that... he's out of his anklet.

Peter:
Damn it!

Mozzie:
But that's not the stupid part. He's got a gun.

Sara Ellis:
A prince, huh?

Neal:
I've been a prince.

Sara:
When was that?

Peter:
Yeah, when was that?

[A flashback to when Neal, under the alias Nicholas Halden, worked for Vincent Adler.]

Vincent Adler:
Others say "Dress for the job you want", I say dress like the man you wanna be. Nick, we have an obligation to assault the commonplace every chance we get, from the clothes we wear to the art we collect, to the women in our lives.

Neal:
He's the man who made me who I am today. [referring to Vincent Adler]

Neal:
I came back to New York...

Peter:
Kate was gone.

Neal:
She learned something from me, cause she disappeared. I started running big cons. I guess I was trying to get her attention.

Peter:
Well, you certainly got ours, Steve Tabernacle.

Neal:
You knew about Steve?

Peter:
We knew a lot of things...

[A flashback to Neal and Kate Moreau's reunion]

Neal:
I missed you. And I lied to you about a lot of things. But I never lied to you about loving you.

Kate:
I believe you. I love you too.

[A flashback to Neal's arrest]

Peter:
Neal Caffrey, you're under arrest.

Neal:
I know. Thank you. I never would have found her [Kate] without you.

Peter:
It's my pleasure.

Neal:
So you guys were all in that municipal van out front. That's gotta be uncomfortable.

Neal:
You just burned a perfectly good alias!

Peter:
And you named me after my dog.

Neal:
Touché

Neal:
If I'm not my father's son, who am I?

Neal:
I tried to get you to go to France.

Peter:
No, you fled to France.

Neal:
Nitpicking.

Neal:
I should've sent postcards.

Peter:
I had Interpol warrants, just as good. "Neal's robbing a palace, wish you were here."

Peter:
I'm not comfortable with this.

Neal:
You're not comfortable? I've got the Men In Black bobsled team breathing down my neck.

Elizabeth:
You could bring Neal.

Peter:
Why Neal?

Elizabeth:
Oh honey, she's [the client] really nervous. Neal has a calming smile.

Elizabeth:
[after Neal impersonated Peter] Did we just do that?

Neal:
Didn see any other option.

Elizabeth:
Of course.

Neal:
So, which one of us is telling Peter?

Neal:
Peter... in case we don't make it, I just want you to know...

Peter:
I know. Me, too.