WKRP in Cincinnati, Season 1

Herb:
Morning, Jennifer.

Jennifer:
Morning, Herb.

Herb:
Any calls?

Jennifer:
No.

Herb:
Messages?

Jennifer:
Nope.

Herb:
Mail?

Jennifer:
None.

Herb:
Okay, how about lunch?

Jennifer:
No lunch either.

Herb:
Dinner?

Jennifer:
Busy.

Herb:
Okay, how about later, my place?

Jennifer:
You're married, Herb.

Herb:
Oh, yeah.

Johnny:
All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny... Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burning up in here! WHOA! We ALL in critical condition babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, 'cause I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet! Now I am talking about your 50,000-watt intensive CARE unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears REAL wide and say "Give it to me straight, doctor, I can take it!" I almost forgot, fellow babies... BOOGER!

Andy:
I have only been in this town for two weeks. I'm living in an apartment that doesn't have any furniture. I've been fighting with your mother. I've been fighting with-with-with Les, I've been fighting with Herb. I don't even know where my laundry is, sir.

Mr. Carlson:
Oh, settle down.

Andy:
Frankly, sir, I'm...I'm just as tired of all this as you are.

Mr. Carlson:
Yeah. Heh. Well, I guess so. Listen, for whatever it's worth, I don't know where my laundry is either.

[Jennifer's radio is playing gentle classical music]

Mr. Carlson:
Hey, is that us?

Jennifer:
No, this is us. [changes stations]

Johnny:
Hang onto your brains, fellow babies, this is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!

Herb:
Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.

Les:
Thanks, Herb.

Les:
In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.

Mr. Carlson:
Who's she?

Jennifer:
Bailey Quarters.

Mr. Carlson:
She work here?

Jennifer:
Uh-huh.

Mr. Carlson:
I like her.

Jennifer:
I know. You say that every time you meet her.

Mr. Carlson:
I do?

Herb:
Boy, where have you been?

Jennifer:
Out with other men, Herb... letting them have their way with me.

Johnny:
Right now I'd like to describe some of the incredible action that's going on down here. A man we believe might be a customer has just come from freshening up, and it looks like he's... leaving. No, wait a minute, he's paused there, maybe he's going to chat with Del Murdock, personable owner of Del's Stereo and Sound... yes he is, maybe he's going to buy something, and he's...no, no, he's pulled out a gun...uh, for any policemen who might be listening, apparently we're being held up here at Del's Stereo and Sound...

Del:
I've been checking around. I don't see how you guys can do these commercials so cheap.

Johnny:
Oh, you'll understand when you see the response you get.

Dr. Monroe:
My, uh, studies establish without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane. And more than a little immature!

Johnny:
And that's bad?

Dr. Monroe:
Well, sure.

Johnny:
Well, so what should we do about it?

Dr. Monroe:
Round the little guttersnipes up.

Johnny:
So, tell me, Doctor. Wh-where did you receive your degree?

Dr. Monroe:
In Long Beach, California, Doctor.

Johnny:
Long Beach State College.

Dr. Monroe:
Oh, ho-ho. No, no, no, no. From a man at the Casa de Soma Apartments.

Bailey:
Jennifer, if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna cry.

Jennifer:
Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.

Bailey:
Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.

Jennifer:
That's the way men do it.

Les:
It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The 'copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.

[The radio transmission cuts off.]

Johnny:
Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Mr. Carlson:
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Les:
This is news, Sternworthy.

Howard Sernworthy:
Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.

Jennifer:
Mr. Carlson, I have to go to lunch now.

Mr. Carlson:
O-Okay, fine.

Mrs. Carlson:
Uh, Jennifer. Who answers the phone when you're at lunch?

Jennifer:
Usually I just leave it off the hook.

Mrs. Carlson:
You think that's wise?

Jennifer:
I don't know. It was Mr. Carlson's idea.

Mr. Carlson:
Every time my mother comes for one of these little quarterly reviews, she always leaves with a piece of me in her purse.

Bailey:
What's he like on a date?

Jennifer:
Very gallant. Later he took me to this intimate little place. I had a martini, and Les had a hot chocolate. Then he took me home.

Bailey:
Oh. Did he come up to your apartment?

Jennifer:
Oh, I invited him. But on the way up the stairs his knees sort of gave out. But he took a rain check.

Johnny:
I'm telling you, free coffee is a constitutional right! Just look it up - Juan Valdez versus the state of California!

Venus:
You never went to college.

Johnny:
Hey man, I went through Princeton!

Venus:
I'll bet.

Johnny:
I did. It was in a car. A squad car, actually. Very, very educational.

Jennifer:
Mr. Carlson.

Mr. Carlson:
What?

Jennifer:
You're being childish about this.

Mr. Carlson:
I am not. Boy, is this gonna make my momma mad.

Johnny:
[Horrified] Look man, I've been in jail in Mexico. My father called me what's-his-face for seventeen horrifying years. My second wife tried to kill me with a Ronco Vegematic! My mother and I were in a tornado once. We were in a mobile home, and I think God must really hate mobile homes, Andy, cuz tornadoes always attack them first. They get very mobile.

Herb:
[reading] "What to do in case of an enemy attack in Cincinnati." Who's going to attack us, Dayton?

Les:
Maybe.

Herb:
Well, if they come down here, we'll kick their butts.

Andy:
Mr. Carlson, we have got big trouble.

Mr. Carlson:
Uh oh, mother's on her way!

Andy:
It is not your Momma. It is worse than Momma.

Mr. Carlson:
Worse? What could be worse than Momma?

Bailey:
I...I just wanted to say.. um thanks Johnny! When I first came to WKRP, I didn't know a thing about radio stations, and I guess I was just a little shy back then. [sighs] But... you took the time to show me the ropes, and you gave me the kind of confidence I needed. You're a real friend, Johnny, and I wish you wouldn't go. When I think of WKRP, I...I think of you, and I guess I always will.

Mr. Carlson:
Is it working?...Is he going to stay?

Mr. Carlson:
[panicked] I got a monkey on my foot!

Johnny:
All right, Cincinnati shape up cause it's time for your morning check up. The Doctor is on duty. I have just returned from personally supervising an extensive research project involving West Coast vegetable worship cults and the cure's here babies. That's right. Doctor Johnny Fever is back and I'm on call every morning on WKRP in Cincinnati!

Herb:
Dip?

Venus:
None for me, thanks.

Les:
Do you have any chips?

Herb:
What do you want, the world?

Venus:
Time to get the funk out your face, Cincinnati!

Johnny:
The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it's time for this message.

Commercial:
Wouldn't a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would!

Johnny:
Sure it would.

Herb:
Now listen, these are the copy points you have to work into the jingle, ok? A: 'All weather floral arrangements'...

Venus:
What does that mean?

Johnny:
Uh, that's plastic flowers.

Herb:
...B: 'Maintenance free artificial turf'....

Johnny:
Plastic grass....

Herb:
...C: 'They accept all major credit cards'.

Johnny:
That would be your plastic money.

Herb:
Commission City! Open your pearly gates to Herb Tarlek and say...

Jennifer:
[Suddenly opening the door] There's a dead man in the lobby!

Les:
Bailey, you're his friend. What do you really know about Venus?

Bailey:
You promise not to tell?

Les:
I swear.

Bailey:
Well, uh... you're gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh... I think he's black.

Venus:
This is WKRP in Cincinnati, with more music and Les Nessman.

Herb:
I had a horrible dream last night.

Everyone else:
Awww!

Herb:
Yeah. I dreamt that John and Jennifer really were married. There were all these little kids running around, and they all had on sweatshirts and dark glasses and three-day beards. And they all started chasing me. All the little Johnnys caught me and tied me up, and I started screaming for help, and then all the little Jennifers just ignored me! And then they grabbed my white belt and just started beating me!

Andy:
You interested in radio?

Little Arthur:
Oh, kinda.

Johnny:
It's probably because he knows that the first thing you do when you overthrow a government is seize control of the radio station.

Mr. Carlson:
I see you've met Little Arthur.

Bailey:
Yeah, he's somewhat of a ... a...

Jennifer:
A Nazi.

Johnny:
All right fellow babies, that was the Doors, and this is sort of Johnny Fever, kind of Doctor. And after [slurs] nine drinks, Venus Flytrap is catatonic, and I myself have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby.

Officer:
He is obviously drunk, ladies and gentlemen.

Johnny:
Yes, he is, and I'm not feeling badly myself.

Officer:
You have obviously built up a super-human tolerance to alcohol.

Johnny:
Yes, it's true. It was once sort of a hobby.

Venus:
Andy, Little Ed weighs about 300 pounds.

Andy:
He does?

Venus:
That's right.

Andy:
Why do they call him Little Ed?

Venus:
Because his wife is Big Ed.

Johnny:
The Doctor is not feelin' too good today. The Doctor was a bad boy last night. The Doctor overmedicated!

S1E7

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!"

Jennifer:
Les. Never in my life has someone broken a date with me.

Venus:
I heard that.

Jennifer, Bailey, Venus, Les:
[Singing] Hey! You're young and swingin'

No time to think about tomorrow

But there any no way to deny it

Some day, you're gonna buy it

Plan today for a Ferryman tomorrow!

[Les pays Little Arthur to learn what Mrs. Carlson says about him]

Little Arthur:
She says that you're obtuse.

Les Nessman:
Ooh!

Herb:
[reading dictionary] Adultery... Admire...

Les:
Let me see that.

[snatches dictionary away from Herb]

Les:
Obtuse...

Herb:
[snatching dictionary back from Les] Addle-minded!

Les:
[snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse!

Herb:
[Herb attempts to snatch the dictionary back from Les, but Les slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow!

Bailey:
[entering] Hi, guys.

Herb:
Oh. Hi, Bailey. Met Carlson's son?

Bailey:
Yes. I've had the pleasure.

Herb:
Well, he's quite a kid. Let me tell you. [under breath to Little Arthur] Tell your dad I said that.

Les:
[excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull. [looks and feels offended] That's an insult!

Bailey:
Les, take it easy.

Les:
Take it easy?

Herb:
Yeah. Just calm down, okay?

Les:
Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm "rounded at the free end"!

Bailey:
Cool off, Les.

Herb:
He's just mad because he's not addle-minded.

Les:
I am too.

Herb:
No. You're not.

Les:
[Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am.

Herb:
No. You're not.

Les:
Yes. I am!

Herb:
You're not!

Bailey:
You guys! You are both addle-minded!

Les:
Thank you, Bailey.

Bailey:
You're welcome, Les.