WKRP in Cincinnati, Season 2

Johnny:
[to Buffy] So you put poison in the brandy. That's very Medieval of you.

Les:
Bailey, you'll lead us in a team prayer.

Bailey:
Why me?

Les:
Because you're the most wholesome.

Johnny:
Greetings, fellow teammates! Say, where is center field?

Mr. Hopkins:
[on Herb] I will not be taught how to live by a man in a white belt!

Herb:
You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.

Mr. Hopkins:
Les, your friend is a twit.

Steel:
I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?

Les:
[pauses] Les.

Les:
The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.

[Les hands Herb a card with a question written on it]

Herb:
Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"

Les:
Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex, flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.

Mr. Carlson:
Listen, Venus, how do things look in the black community?

Venus:
Oh, same old thing. Big lush lawns, manicured hedges. Living's easy. Fish are jumpin', cotton oh 'bout so high... Daddy's rich. I suppose you don't wanna hear about my momma, huh?

Johnny:
You just talk into the mike and your voice goes out through the wires, and once a week, whether you need it or not, somebody comes in here and gives you a check for $38.

Bailey:
Don't you ever get scared, you know, like, get stage fright?

Johnny:
Well, I'll tell you a secret, Bailey. If you ever find yourself on the air, and you feel a little nervous, just imagine that you're speaking to one specific person. Which in fact is probably the case here.

Bailey:
Just pretend you're talking to one person. A friend. Me.

Johnny:
Okay.

Bailey:
That's how you told me to do it. Now you do it.

Johnny:
Okay, I'll give it a try.

Bailey:
Just talk to me.

Johnny:
This is, uh, your Doctor speaking. Hello, and good afternoon, Cincinnati. I sure would like to take you home and kiss you all over in the dark.

Johnny:
[on sex frequency per week statistic] 2.96? I wonder how they do the, uh, .96 part.

Bailey:
That is just an average, Johnny.

Johnny:
Well, it should average out to three. Somebody's not doing something right!

Mr. Carlson:
How many times have you said to yourself, "if I knew then what I know now"? Well, by golly, this is the new then. Now, I mean. Because I know now what I didn't used to know then. As a manner of speaking, you could say that I know now what I know now.

Andy:
Let me ask you a question - am I the guard, or one of the nuts?

Venus:
I think you're a guard on the way to becoming a nut.

Les:
It says here my audience share of men 65 and over went down six points.

Herb:
Let's face it Les--your audience is dying off.

Andy:
There are thousands of stations in this country with women on the air.

Les:
As disk jockeys, yes. But this is news, Travis, news - important stuff.

Andy:
What about Barbara Walters?

Les:
I 'west' my case.

Les:
Now about the format. Whenever possible I always try to lead with the hog futures, particularly in the morning.

Bailey:
Why?

Les:
Because, Bailey, that's what people are interested in.

Bailey:
Yeah, but what if a really big story is breaking?

Les:
Well, that's when you have to use your news judgment. There will always be exceptions. For instance, when President Richard Milhous Nixon resigned, I led the news with that story. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.

Johnny:
[about being alone on Christmas] Do you know how hard it is to find a 2 lb. turkey?

Johnny:
[after playing Christmas music] I don't get it either, babies, but somebody out there likes it. So we'll just keep shoveling through the seasonal syrup. Not too much left of this season of good cheer and bad music.

Sparky:
So, Derek, how does your team look?

Derek Doogle:
Uh, mostly Venezuelan.

Mr. Carlson:
Well, let's hear it.

Les:
Well, we were all right here, just as we are now, discussing this new show with Sparky, except you didn't look like yourself, Mr. Carlson. You looked more like a large... muffin.

Jennifer:
Muffin?

Les:
Yes, a nice breakfast muffin. And you said that you had an exciting announcement.

Mr Carlson:
Well?

Les:
Well, you sang it. [Singing] "I'm a big fat muffin that loves to eat, a big fat muffin that has no feet. But most of all, I'm a big fat muffin that loves to explode." And then you did.

Johnny:
Do you believe in a supreme being?

Bailey:
Wow! Uh, I think so.

Johnny:
What's he like?

Bailey:
Well, first of all she's black-that was a joke. An old joke, but a good one.

Johnny:
Bigotry started a long time ago. Nobody knows where. I think the French started it.

Johnny:
How can you do that? How can you put a dollar value on your sister's company? And, more importantly, how much?

Andy:
Thirty bucks.

Johnny:
What's wrong with your sister?

Johnny:
Any signs of senility?

Herb Sr.:
It's all around, Venus.

Venus:
I'm Venus.

Herb Sr.:
Then who's he?

Venus:
That's Johnny.

Herb Sr.:
The black guy?

Venus:
No, I'm the black guy.

Herb Sr.:
Oh, excuse me.

Herb Sr.:
You know, my son speaks about you all the time.

Bailey:
He does?

Herb Sr.:
No, he doesn't, but he should. My son is a little bit of a jerk.

Venus:
[on Herb's suit] Somewhere there's a Volkswagen without seat covers.

Jennifer:
Why Herb, this is a really fine French wine!

Herb:
Is it? Well, I told the guy to give me the best he's got in the store without going over fourteen bucks.

Andy:
Damn, I like this cloak and dagger stuff! Carrying a Russian across Ohio in the dead of night, and you're telling me my life ain't workin' out?

Les:
If there's one thing this reporter knows about, it's two things: One, hogs, and two, Russians.

Jennifer:
You're Les' fiancée?

Darlene:
Mm hmm.

Jennifer:
Uh huh. Does Les know about this?

Les:
[Mrs. Nedelman] doesn't like for me to have lady guests.

Darlene:
It must be terrible to have such an awful landlady living right next door!

Les:
Oh, she's not my landlady, she's my tenant. I own this duplex.

Darlene:
Rather than put an old lady, or even a dog, out in the street, you just take it. What a man you are, Les Nessman.

Andy:
[to Johnny] We've got a playlist. You should play the list. We've gotta play some Top 40 hits, don't we? Why, sure we do. Yet you have yet to play a single hit off the playlist all week. Play the playlist. Play a part of the playlist! Play one song off the playlist! Play a part of one of the songs off the playlist! Well, it's so nice to see we've established a dialogue here. There you go, you want to talk about this, I'll be in my office playing with a loaded revolver.

Johnny:
[after Andy's pressure to play a Top 40 song] Okay babies, we've got time for just one Top 40 Hit, so let's check out the Captain and Tenille. Uh oh! No more time. Maybe tomorrow!

Venus:
[on getting older] I took a look at my wardrobe, and I asked myself, "does a grown man dress like this?"

Les:
Why are we all here on this planet?

Jennifer:
As opposed to where, Les?

Jennifer:
Mr. Carlson isn't even mentioned (in the polls).

Herb:
Perfect! If people don't know you, they won't dislke you. If you show yourself too much then you come off looking like a jerk. At least that's been my experience."

Andy:
Everything I could've done to fix this station, I didn't do. Now is that right or what?

Venus:
How could you have fixed this station?

Andy:
For starters: first thing I should've done was get rid of Herb. The worst sales manager in the world. The worst. And Les? Oh, Les. When the Shah of Iran was overthrown, he missed it completely. His lead story for the day was about a hog that could do addition and subtraction.

Venus:
[about racism] We've cut down the tree, but the roots run pretty deep.