WWE SmackDown!, 2000

[Mary Cooper gets a knock on the door, it's Tom and Coach Wilkins]

Coach Wilkins:
Mary, we got some bad news.

Mary:
Where's George?

Tom:
I'm so sorry. he uh- he had a heart attack.

Missy:
He's okay, right?

Tom:
He's gone..

[Missy hugs mee-maw, Mary stands there in surprise, and Sheldon backs up sitting down in disbelief.[

[Mick Foley as Mankind appears while Triple H insults a fake Mankind on the ring]

Mick Foley:
Triple H, that is enough! Is this what you get off on? Making fun of me? How much more, do you want from me? First, you take away my job, then you bring this idiot out there and you take away my dignity then Monday night, in what should have been the greatest night of my life when I was reinstated on RAW is WAR, you take me and you ruin my shirt and you ruin my face and I'll be honest when I stepped onto the shower and I let the cold water run down on my head and I looked down at the pool of blood as it swirled down the shower drain, I started thinking a little big about what Mankind was. Well, Mankind is an entertaining son of a gun. Mankind is a pretty damn good author, Mankind is one tough SOB and Mankind is one hell of a fighter. So it saddens me to say that after the beating you gave me on Monday night one thing Mankind is not is ready to face you in a streetfight at the Royal Rumble in Madison Square Garden because you are without a doubt, The Game. You are the best in the business right now and as you said Mankind in some ways is nothing more than a beaten-up pathetic fool. But I think the WWF fans deserve a substitute in that match. What I'm gonna do, Triple H, is I'm gonna name him right now - as a matter of fact, I think you know the guy. [walks down, removes mask and shirt, revealing the Cactus Jack Wanted Dead shirt to huge response] And I think you know him pretty damn well. His name, is Cactus Jack! And his first official act as part of the WWF is to kick your teeth all over the city of Chicago!

[The Rock appears as a tagteam match between him with Chris Jericho against Kurt Angle and the Big Show is set for the night]

The Rock:
Chris Jericho, the Rock says that tag-team wrestling really isn't in his repertoire, but tonight, the Rock will team with you as long the Rock can get that Olympic goof to know his role and shut his mouth! But then again, the Rock could care less about Kurt Angle. The only reason he would pair you is to get his hands, on the Big Show. Big Show, the Rock says this: He's heard your complaints, he has seen your footage, and the Rock says you are absolutely right. The Rock says you're right, the Rock's feet did touch the ground first and you are right the Rock did call you a jabroni, and you are right, these people - the Rock's people - boo your candyass! [Rocky chants] Well Big Show, you wanna know why they boo you? You know why they don't treat you with the respect that you think you deserve? Well you see the Rock has a little bit of video footage of his own. The Rock has some video footage of the one thing you think you do best so the Rock says roll the footage. [clip of Rock mocking Big Show's chokeslam arm and battlecry; Big Show fumes] Now Big Show, just in case you didn't digest that, let's look at it one more time from a different angle! [front-view clip of Rock mocking Big Show again] Now Big Show, seeing as you have a third-grade education, maybe you will understand it one more time in slow motion. [The Rock makes a fake slowmo shot of Big Show's tell] You see Big Show that is why they boo you. That is why they don't treat you with respect, because you whine, you bitch, you moan, and complain [mock whining] But me? Why? Why you boo me? You should chant me don't boo me - [normal] oh shut your mouth! Big Show, the Great One says this - he realizes you're seven feet, he realizes that you are 500 pounds and the Rock realizes that you are without a shadow of a doubt, the biggest threat in the Rock's career and come No Way Out, don't worry about the crowds, come No Way Out don't worry about whether or not they boo you. The only thing you should worry about, Big Show, is this - is how you're gonna stop the Brahma Bull from kicking your candyass and going to WrestleMania. If you SMELLL, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!

[Having had enough of the Stone Cold Steve Austin-themed pranks they had all night long, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime calls out The Rock on his earlier warning that Austin was indeed in the area]

The Rock:
The Rock promised that Stone Cold was gonna be here tonight, and the Rock is a man and a half living up to his word, and always keeps his promises! Now all night long, the Rock has thoroughly enjoyed watching all your candy asses get confused, get paranoid. The beer, the rattlesnake, the only regret is that the Rattlesnake didn't bite one of you in your candy asses! Shane McMahon, beating up the cardboard cutout of Stone Cold. Real tough. Triple H, beating up the Stone Cold lookalike in a bathroom! Well, who do you think the Rock is? The Rock doesn't dress like Stone Cold, The Rock doesn't talk like Stone Cold, the Rock doesn't even look like Stone Cold... but [gestures to Smackdown screen] HE looks like Stone Cold. [Austin appears on screen]

Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Hell, I understand you jackasses have been looking for me. Hell, I'm at the parking lot, I've been here in out all night long! Now there seems to be some concern over whose side Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna be on this Sunday at Backlash. Will Stone Cold Steve Austin be looking to favor Triple H or will Stone Cold Steve Austin be on the side of The Rock. That's an easy one for Stone Cold to answer, because the answer to that is, I'm gonna be on the side I've always been on and that's mine! But what I've got right now, is a little demonstration for ya, to any one of you little grubby bastards that thinks they're gonna get their hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, there's a lot of people out there that are good at construction, a lot of people good at building little things with their hands. Hell it seems the only thing I've ever been good at is tearing shit up. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm good at deconstruction, so what we got here [tears off label in crane, revealing AUSTIN DECONSTRUCTION] is my own little toy and Stone Cold Steve Austin's got just a little example of what might happen [gets in control booth] if anybody gets their little grubby meathooks on me!

Michael Cole:
Where is he, King?

Jerry Lawler:
He's in a parking lot.

Austin:
[sets up controls] Oh that's what I'd like to hear.

Cole:
What the hell is he doing? [sees Austin set up a concrete barrier over the DX Express bus] Wait a minute, that's the DX Express!! [Austin drops barrier on the bus and the bus explodes] Holy cow! Do you believe that? The DX... Express bus just exploded!!

Lawler:
It's on fire!

Austin:
And that's what's gonna happen to anybody that tries to mess with Stone Cold Steve Austin this Sunday at Backlash AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, 'CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!

Lawler:
He's demolished the DX Express!

Cole:
Oh hell yeah, Stone Cold is back! Austin 3:16 says, "I just wrecked your bus!" Sunday night, King, at Backlash, on pay-per-view could be the Rock's night 'cause Stone Cold said so!

Vince McMahon:
Now, I understand, that there are a number of you... [hears "Asshole!" chants] I understand that there are a number of you... I understand that... I understand that some of you feel as though that the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, last Monday on Raw, just wasn't fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though, since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the Intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn't fair. Well, that's just too damn bad. Because, if you don't think it was fair Monday, you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up, you wait in line, waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself, very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say, "Wait a minute! That's not fair!" And what about the parking lot, we've all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car - Oop! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say "Wait a minute! That's MY parking space, that's not fair!" What about, what about on those few occasions, when you will honestly and objectively, look into the full-length mirror? [senses reactions] Alright, now we're getting somewhere. And you women, look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves, and you say "Ewwww, eeeeh. Look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks! That's not fair!" And you men, you men won't come close to the mirror! But on that occasion where you might take a quick glimpse, you say "Oh, That can't be me. No, that can't be me with the pot belly, and the small genitalia! Oh no, that's not fair!" And you look at yourselves. Go ahead, look at yourselves! Look at the person sitting next to you, yeah, look at ‘em! Look at the person sitting in front of you! Go ahead, look at all of you! You look at yourselves, and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring, and you say "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And, forget about the looks, what about [makes money gesture] the money, huh? What about the money?! Uh-huh! You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can't afford what you really want? "That's not fair!" It's not fair that some people are rich and you're not! "That's not fair!" And you know, you have to face the facts, that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. And you say "It's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!" but you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts, that life is... not... fair. And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy, for some of you, and that is that - Life sucks, and then you die!!

[Gerald Brisco has just put his finger on a snoring Crash Holly with the referee silently counting the pin]

Jerry Lawler:
[whispers] Gerald Brisco is the Hardcore Champion.

Michael Cole:
[whispers as well while Brisco is elated and is given the belt without speaking] You gotta be kidding me!

Lawler:
Gerald Brisco has the Hardcore Title, so get them to tune in the music. It will wake up Crash. [Brisco and the referee try to sneak out] Gerald Brisco is - [but the referee stumbles on a chair, which wakes up Crash. Brisco scrambles]

Cole:
Wait a minute!

Crash Holly:
Where's my belt?!? Hey you... [to ref] come with me [to Brisco] hey!!!

Lawler:
[as Crash and the ref chase Brisco] Look at this!

Cole:
King, Gerald Brisco had the Hardcore title from Crash while he was sleeping [Lawler laughs] and the chase is on!

[Vince McMahon and Gerald Brisco go to the loading dock to see the Rock arrive on a limo, but Vince wants no part of the Rock]

Vince McMahon:
I'm not looking for trouble tonight. I'm not looking for trouble, I've had enough for one night. You don't even know what's happened here to me, all right. Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, I understand that and you should know, I know you're angry with me but the Undertaker, wait a minute, the Undertaker, he's the reason why you're not the WWF Champion. The Undertaker himself disqualified you for outside- it was The Undertaker's fault, that's why you're not the WWF Champion, but wait a minute, I know you're still angry with me, and this is what I want: just to show you there's no hard feelings, I want you to take the night off, Rock. I want you to take [Rock looks at Vince laying hand on him] Rock, settle down, please just take the night off that's all I ask. No hard feelings, I don't want anymore trouble, not tonight, okay? Please.

The Rock:
So the Rock's got the night off?

Vince:
The Rock's got the night off, okay? I mean it's about time.

The Rock:
Night off for the Rock.

Vince:
A night off for the Rock.

The Rock:
The Rock doesn't go to SmackDown.

Vince:
Not a thing, no sir, okay? Have a good night, Rock. [Rock gets back to limo; to driver] Driver, you take him anyplace he wants to go, alright? It's on me. Anyplace he wants to go. Allright? Gerald.

Gerald Brisco:
You did a good job.

Vince:
Thank you.

The Rock:
[calls out from window] Oh Vince, Vince, by the way, before you leave, before the Rock leaves, come here for a second, Rock wants to tell you one thing. [Vince is curious] Come a little closer, you don't want the driver to hear this, Vince. [Vince gets closer, close enough for the Rock to slap him]

Vince:
[as he reels from the slap and Brisco takes him away] You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! [walks off] You son of a bitch!

[As Vince and Gerald walk off, the Undertaker appears from the side, following them]

[Triple H is waiting for Stephanie McMahon, but Trish Stratus approaches him and says she's embarrassed over the ending of their tag-team match against The Rock and Lita on Raw]

Triple H:
You're embarrassed?

Trish Stratus:
I know, you know what, I hope things work out between you and Stephanie.

HHH:
[angered by what she just said] Hope that things work out between me and Stephanie? I'll tell you what, this whole thing is your fault. It's your fault that I haven't talked to my wife in three days. It's your fault she won't speak to me. You know what Trish, you know what you can do? You can do me a really big favor. [points arm far away] Get away from me. Get out, just get away and don't come back. Stay away from me. [shoos Trish off] You're bad news!!

[Mick Foley argues with Stone Cold Steve Austin over his investigation of who ran down Austin at Survivor Series and the fact that no suspects came up. Austin laments being back but is disappointed at the lack of progress in the investigation]

Mick Foley:
When I headed down to the ring on Monday night, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking If it was anybody else interfering in matches, they'd be gone and out of the WWF. And I'm also thinking about 1991 and 1992, Steve Austin and Mick Foley splitting a 20-dollar room to save a few bucks, riding in a little crapbox car to save a few bucks so I'm thinking maybe I'd just try to save face with the boys, maybe I'd give Steve Austin a little fine, a little slap on the wrist, thinking by this point in your life, you've saved enough money that no amount of fine I give you is gonna mean a damn anyway. But then what you did Steve, you went and you put your hands on me and all of a sudden my decision changed because you left me no other alternative but starting now, until we find out who ran you over, to suspend you indefinitely!

Steve Austin:
Well, then I want to ask you one time, Stone Cold Steve Austin to Mick Foley, to reconsider.

Foley:
When I said that you've left me no other alternative, that was my answer. The answer is no.

Austin:
And when you said no, you left Stone Cold Steve Austin no alternative - [lays down a Stunner on Foley]

[After the revelation on RAW of Rikishi running down Stone Cold Steve Austin, a police officer warns him against retaliation under threat of jail for vehicular manslaughter and murder, but when he rolls up his truck window on the officer, Jim Ross later tries to talk some sense into him]

Jim Ross:
Steve. [taps on the window] Steve. Steve, I just want to talk to you. [taps] Steve. Come on! [Austin rolls down window] Steve, you can't do this. You can't sit here and run down Rikishi. Do you hear that cop's saying? You'll go to jail! Hell he ain't worth it, he ain't worth it to you running him down. [closer] Steve, you've got to listen to reason! You got to -[Austin glares at him; JR steps back] All right easy.... [leaves]

[Kurt Angle comes out after Mick Foley announces a Hell in Cell match for him, Triple H, Rikishi, The Undertaker, The Rock, and Stone Cold Steve Austin at Armageddon]

Kurt Angle:
Mick Foley, you have finally lost your mind! A Hell in a Cell? What is wrong with you? I've done nothing but defend this title with respect, honor, and class. I'm not a cheater! I'm not the Minnesota Timberwolves of the WWF! This match is completely barbaric! It's true!

Mick Foley:
Yeah, yeah, it's true, it is true. You were really on a roll. It is barbaric, no doubt about it, and it is brutal, but you and in some ways, all of these men, have left me no other alternative. Make no mistake about it at Armageddon there will be hell taking place inside that cell until there is one WWF Champion and one more time, on more time, if anybody gets physically involved tonight, then that person loses their title shot, and Kurt Angle if it's you who decides to act a little bit funny tonight, then I will STRIP YOU of the WWF title - and I will strip you right here, in Minneapolis, Minnesota! [Angle is highly distraught]

Triple H:
[to Angle] Wow, sucks to be you doesn't it? [to Foley] You know Foley, it sounds ironic that you stand in that ring as the commissioner making a Hell in a Cell match, when... jeez, wasn't it a Hell in a Cell match that's the reason you're now the commissioner? I mean, let me refresh your memory, it was a Hell in a Cell match where I beat you half to death and retired your ass! So Foley, all your little stipulations to your match, are just fine with me, but before I go, let me introduce to everybody, somebody very special to me, I'd like to bring out here, my beautiful wife, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!