Xiaolin Showdown, Season 1

Narrator:
Thousands of years ago, a furious battle was waged between the great and noble Xiaolin Dragon Dashi and the evil Heylin witch Wuya. This was the first Xiaolin Showdown. Wuya pitted her dark magic against Dashi and his mystical power objects, the Shen Gong Wu. In the end, Dashi triumphed, and Wuya was forever imprisoned in a simple wooden puzzle box. The threat averted, Dashi spread his Shen Gong Wu around the earth. For generations, they have secretly maintained the balance of good and evil. And a long line of Xiaolin Dragons has stood ready to face evil, should that balance ever shift.

[at the Xiaolin Temple, must deal with the new recruits, Raimundo Pedrosa, Kimiko Tohomiko, and Clay Bailey]

Master Fung:
Omi, I would like you to meet Raimundo.

Raimundo:
‘Sup?

Master Fung:
Kimiko.

Kimiko:
He said that? [gasped] Hey. No way!

Master Fung:
And Clay.

Clay:
Howdy.

Omi:
Master, where are the new students?

Master Fung:
Right in front of you, Omi.

Omi:
They are not what I expected.

Master Fung:
The best things in life rarely are.

Omi:
You are right, master. Welcome, my new and strangely-attired friends.

Master Fung:
I must be going, young ones. I can see there is much teaching to be done here.

Omi:
Yes, master. Much teaching indeed.

Omi:
What is that? Is it magic?

Kimiko:
It's a PDA. I'm sending a message to a friend in Tokyo.

Omi:
A secret message?

Kimiko:
Nah. I'm just telling her I met a very strange kid who apparently doesn't know about personal space issues.

Omi:
Really? Who? [Points at Clay] Is it that guy?

Clay:
Not me, partner.

Raimundo:
It's you, chrome dome.

[Meanwhile, meet the evil boy genius, Jack Spicer]

Jack:
I want to rule the whole world! All of it! Not some of it. Not just Iceland or Fiji. I wanna rule the whole world!

Jack-bot:
Pardon me, sir.

Jack:
What? Can’t you see I’m on an evil rant here?

Jack-bot:
Yes, sir, but your father sent you a gift from Hong Kong.

[Handing Jack a puzzle box]

Jack:
Oh, a puzzle box. Oh, let’s see. And my prize is...[Opens up the puzzle box revealing to be a mask] a mask? Lame. [Throws the box away] All right, back to world conquest. My favorite pastime. Now, let’s see. Europe might not be a bad place to start. Or is that too obvious? Could go in for the unexpected, like Paraguay. But is that enough of an attention grabber? Could go down through Africa, over to South America and...

Wuya:
Onward to Asia.

Jack:
[screamed in shock] Spooky ghost lady! Attack!

[Squad of Jackbots draw their chest blaster and fires at Wuya. Unfortunately, the projectiles ended up passing through Wuya's translucent ghostly form]

Wuya:
Plans for world conquest? My dear boy, we have much in common. What’s your name?

Jack:
Jack Spicer. Who are you? What are you?

Wuya:
Me? I’m your new best friend.

Raimundo:
Right. Like we're gonna take directions from a gecko.

Dojo:
Gecko!? Don't ever call me gecko!

Raimundo:
Eh, my mistakes.

Dojo:
Wuya! Wow, the years have not been kind to you.

Master Fung:
It is your most solemn duty as Xiaolin Warriors to find all the Shen Gong Wu before Wuya does.

Raimundo:
[raises hand] I have a question.

Master Fung:
Yes, Raimundo?

Raimundo:
I saw my room, and no bed. Just a mat. What the dealy? [Everyone stares at him] Um, we can talk later...

Dojo:
Can't believe I went from Temple Guardian to babysitter in less than a day!

Omi:
And so our grand quest begins. Follow me, TO VICTORY! [From off-screen] I have no idea where I'm going.

[Raimundo turns off the game Omi is playing and Omi starts crying]

Omi:
YAAH! MY LITTLE FRIEND HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE DARK FORCES OF EVIL! [to the game] Po-chi are you in there?!Can you hear the sound of my voice?!

[Raimundo laughs and Kimiko punches him]

Kimiko:
Don't mess with the monk!

Raimundo:
[Grimacing] Girl, you hit hard!

Raimundo:
It’s a what now?

Dojo:
A Xiaolin Showdown. It’s what happens when two warriors reach a stalemate over a Shen Gong Wu. Two words: Freak-y.

Omi:
Jack Spicer, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! I wager my Two-Ton Tunic against your Mantis Flip Coin. Whoever reaches the last stone first wins the Eye of Dashi. And the other Shen Gong Wu as well.

Wuya:
Accept the challenge. Accept it!

Jack:
I accept your challenge, Omi.

Omi:
Let’s go! Xiaolin Showdown!

Dojo:
That’s a Xiaolin Showdown for ya. Always keeps you guessing. Gong Yi Tanpai! That means “go”.

Master Fung:
You have all done exceptionally well. Wouldn’t you agree, Dojo?

Dojo:
Not bad, for amateurs.

Master Fung:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step.

Dojo:
Where do you get this stuff?

Master Fung:
I have a desk calendar.

Omi:
Master Fung, there are so many Shen Gong Wu left to be found.

Master Fung:
Your new friends will help.

Omi:
Oh, yes, master. I have already taught much to Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay.

Master Fung:
But, Omi, they are here to teach you.

Omi:
But I am the chosen one.

Master Fung:
You aren’t the only chosen one, Omi. Someday your new friends may become Dragons, as well. Kimiko, the Dragon of Fire. Clay, the Dragon of Earth. And Raimundo, the Dragon of the Wind.

Omi:
Is this true, master?

Master Fung:
Yes, but I didn’t want to tell you until you were ready.

[Omi groans]

Clay:
I don’t think he was ready.

Raimundo:
You knew you couldn't beat us with your old man kung fu.

Omi:
[laughing hysterically] Raimundo mocks Clay's Tai Chi by calling it "old man kung fu!" He implies Clay is like an old man doing kung fu!

Omi:
I foolishly and shamefully lost a quarter second on the sandbags. As you might say, I smell bad.

Raimundo:
I stink, not I smell bad.

Omi:
I stink?

Raimundo:
Yeah, and you smell bad, too. [laughs]

Omi:
In your head, Raimundo!

Raimundo:
It's 'In your face'.

Omi:
Talk to my fingers!

Clay:
Hmm, seems like the feller don't mean any harm.

Dojo:
Ooh, that Fist of Tebigong must be close, 'cause I'm getting a wicked case of Shen Gong Wu rash! Yeah, it kinda itches here, but it's more burny down there, and behind the my tail I've got this unsightly cracking. I mean it, it's ooh.

Kimiko:
I meant with the location of the Shen Gong Wu!

Jack Spicer:
First order of business when I rule the world: vaporize all mimes.

Raimundo:
There has gotta be some way outta here. Okay. Those walls are solid.

Kimiko:
Let me try. [she throws Raimundo on a mime wall] You're right. Those walls are solid.

Raimundo:
Well, this is nice, eh? The three of us friends having a few laughs together. But where's our fourth friend, Mr. Clay? Oh, that's right. HE'S LOSING THE FIST OF TEBIGONG TO JACK SPICER! DID YOU GUYS FORGET THAT?!

Raimundo:
So, Clay? Can I give the Eye of Dashi a try?

Clay:
Sure thing, Raimundo.

Omi:
What? Why? I should try it before you. I found it.

Raimundo:
Your snooze, your lose!

Omi:
Then perhaps, I'll try the Fist of Tebigong on your head!

Kimiko:
Guys, knock it off! Or I'll Third Arm Sash your mouths shut!

Kimiko:
You maybe those boots make you look like a dweeb. right, Jack?

Omi:
Yuck! This candy tastes most unpleasant!

Raimundo:
That 'cause it's lipstick.

Dojo:
[shivering] This water's cold. I'm tellin' ya, I don't know how my cousin, Nessie, stands living here! 'Course, if you ask me, she likes all the attention! "Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster!"

Scottish Man:
[offscreen] Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster!

Dojo:
See?

Omi:
[reading the "Ancient Guide to Females"] Oh yes! Females are easily frightened!

Kimiko:
[obviously irked] You're lucky you're cute, Omi.

Jack Spicer:
Standard for my folk’s parties. Snobfest a-go-go.

Ashley (Katnappé):
So, are you Jack? the kid they’re all talking about upstairs?

Jack Spicer:
[Perking up hopefully] They’re talking about me?! Are they calling me a genius?!

Ashley (Katnappé):
More like “weirdo”

Jack Spicer:
WHAT’S SO WEIRD ABOUT ME?!

Omi:
I am very surprised Kimiko can lift such a heavy pot with her delicate female arms.

Kimiko:
[angry] WHAT!?!?

Omi:
The Golden Tiger Claws are inside that palace?

Dojo:
That's what this rash is telling me. Ohhh. Wonder if there's an ointment for this? Ahhhh-hhhh!

Raimundo:
How do we get in there?

Clay:
Maybe if we knock on the door and ask real nice like?

Dojo:
That's the Emperor Palace. They don't just let anybody in there. We need connections!

Kimiko:
Oh, no worries. I'll call my dad.

Jack Spicer:
Stay out of this Ashley.

Katnappé:
My evil name's Katnappe, doofus.

Jack Spicer:
Who you calling' doofus, Kitty Litter?

Katnappé:
Who you calling' Kitty Litter, Robo-freak?

Wuya:
Enough! Cease your bickering.

Dojo:
[after Omi's defeat] What happened? I blinked and missed it.

Katnappé:
See you, Xiaolin Warriors. I've got more shopping to do. Me-ow!

Dojo:
Except for the parts where she slapped us silly and got away, I think that went pretty well.

Jack:
Uh-huh, hmm. So, Mr. Tubbimura, tell us about yourself. Why should Jack Spicer, evil incorporated, hire you?

Tubbimura:
[Bowing] Hai. Well er, I have, as you can see, extensive experience wreaking havoc and destruction.

Jack:
Yeah not really looking for H and D.

Tubbimura:
Er, I also have solid grasp of mayhem.

Wuya:
Mayhem is good.

Jack:
There's always a need for mayhem.

Tubbimura:
You must choose. Drop the Sword of the Storm or fall.

Raimundo:
'Kay, I choose fall.

Master Fung:
You weren't defeated by your opponent Raimundo.

Raimundo:
Oh, no? Would you like to see the impression of his boot on my butt?

Master Fung:
[Hurriedly] Oh, that won't be necessary. You were defeated by your lack of knowledge. Remember, a drop of knowledge is more powerful than a sea of force.

Raimundo:
[Sighs] Can't anyone speak normally around here?

Master Fung:
Reflect on these things. As for me, I think I shall try my hand at Goo Zombies 2.

Jack Spicer:
Oh, I’m leaving alright, and you’re coming with me!

Kimiko:
Oh, really, who’s gonna make me?

Jack Spicer:
Kimiko, meet Kimiko. Or should I say, meet your match.

Clay:
Face it, Raimundo. He's all over you like stink on a skunk.

Raimundo:
Ah-ah! The master isn't through yet. Gotcha, don't I?

Omi:
No, the Ace is in your sleeve. I only hesitate because I'm thinking of Kimiko again. Or perhaps I should say, the one who CALLS herself Kimiko.

Raimundo:
You're tiger instincts are keen, bro. But your theory about Kim is… I don't know, it's-

Clay:
Buggier than a June bug?

Raimundo:
Yeah, it's buggier than a June bug.

Omi:
No. I am sure of myself on this matter. But if you will not listen, perhaps Master Fung will.

Omi:
[points at Chameleon (disguised as Kimiko) taking the Shen Gong Wu to Clay and Raimundo] See? You see, you see, you see?!

Clay:
I see but…I do not wanna believe.

Raimundo:
NIFTY! I should've caught it at NIFTY!

Omi:
Imposter, show your true form!

Kimiko (Chameleon):
How about if I show you this instead?

Jack Spicer:
Jack Spicer, evil boy genius. [starts putting the Shen Gong Wu in his sack while singing a tune]

Clay:
Aw, man! That's the second hat this week. Now I'm mad! [starts huffing and puffing angrily]

Wuya:
You have done well, Jack Spicer.

Jack Spicer:
Evil Genius well!?

Wuya:
Don't ruin the moment.

Jack Spicer:
Sorry.

Jack:
Any idea where we're going?

Wuya:
No, but I could always glide through the walls, and peek ahead.

Jack:
N-not a good idea.

Wuya:
Why? You're not afraid of the dark, are you?

Omi:
My viper strike was not very good.

Dizzy Omi:
I never made it passed level 1.

Fat Omi:
I ate cookie dough all night. [burps] Oh. May I never be hungry again.

Omi:
Now remember, we must find the.. er... thingie!

Omi clones:
[scratching heads] Oh, yes, we must find, we have to find the thingie!

Master Fung:
I want them spotless, Omi. Spotless. [holds up a brush and gives Omi an angry look]

Omi:
[remorsefully] Yes, Master. Spotless.

[Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay watch from outside the kitchen]

Master Fung:
I will inspect your work in one hour. [leaves the kitchen, slamming the door shut]

Kimiko:
Wow, I've never seen Master Fung so upset.

Clay:
He looked as mad as a beaver in a petrified forest.

Omi:
Master Fung is right to be angry. [starts getting to work] I have acted most shamefully. Because of my disobedience, we still only have one Shen Gong Wu.

Raimundo:
Yeah, true. [Kimiko angrily nudges him in the arm] Ow! What?! I'm just agreeing with what he said. Besides, maybe it's better this way.

Dojo:
Maybe I can be the dragon of…FIRE!

Kimiko:
Sorry, position's filled.

Dojo:
Then how 'bout soot?

Raimundo:
Soot? Not impressive.

Dojo:
And this is comin' from the wind guy? Ooh! How 'bout gas, huh? I eat a few cans o' beans and BAM! I'm in, baby!

Omi:
Ha! Right there!

Raimundo:
The Sapphire Dragon.

Omi:
The most dangerous Shen Gong Wu. It is only to be used as an absolute last resort. It will turn your enemy into a sapphire statue.

Raimundo:
And a guy next door, the old lady down the street, the kids at the playground.

[After getting almost blasted by the sapphire dragon]

Raimundo:
You think he'd be grateful we rescued him from the volcano.

Dojo:
Alright then, just remember, you asked for it! [panicking whimpering]

[Episode starts with the Xiaolin monks and Dojo in New York City]

Omi:
[sees the statue of Lady Liberty through binoculars] Whoa! Who is that lady?

Kimiko:
That's the Statue of Liberty, Omi.

Omi:
She must have been a great Xiaolin warrior, to get a statue that big.

Dojo:
Good luck. The Serpent's Tail is always moving.

Omi:
Oh, no! My friends are lost in New York City! How will they survive without ME?!

Kimiko:
Dojo, anything you can do here?

Dojo:
Eh...uh, gee guys. I-I-I'm not big on trains. A-and that third rail really chafes.

Kimiko:
Dojo!

Dojo:
Okay, okay.

Jermaine:
[To Jack] Are you afraid of getting whooped little boy?

Jack Spicer:
Okay, got the Shen Gong Wu. Now, a little vaporizing of our enemies, and we'll call it a day.

Clay:
Hey, fellas. [sees his hat full of milk] Huh?!

Omi:
Only a 9 1/2 gallons. You get a free hat!

Clay:
[angrily] Raimundo!

Raimundo:
Think fast! [tosses the filled hat of milk at a furious Clay who then chases him around the room] Hey, what's one hat compared to your best friend Raimundo's life?

Clay:
You are Texas toast, Rai!

Kimiko:
Here's how it's going down, cow. I roped you, you get roped. Nobody gets hurt, nobody sues. Ready...Go!

Raimundo:
[cringing] What... did I just land in?

Clay:
That would be a cow pie.

Raimundo:
No! I know pies! Pies have cherry, or apple, or rhubarb! THIS IS NO PIE!

Daddy Bailey:
Clay, I reckon you've been a man longer than I realized

Jack:
[To Wuya] How come we don't have a relationship like that?

Wuya:
I'm not your mommy! Now pick up your toys Jackie, and let's go home.

Jack Spicer:
Technically, you don't sweat either but you still manage to put off some serious B.O., sister.

Wuya:
I'm surprised you can smell anything considering how often you have you little fingers up your nostrils!

Kimiko:
Omi, please tell Clay that he's blocking my light.

Omi:
Clay, I have a message from-

Clay:
Omi, tell Kimiko that I'll cast my shadow wherever I darn well please.

Omi:
Kimiko, Clay responds-

Kimiko:
Tell Clay that maybe his shadow wasn't so fat and huge.

Omi:
Clay, Kim-

Raimundo:
Omi, tell Kimiko AND Clay that they're both…[head enlarges; agitated] GIVING ME A HEADACHE!

Omi:
My friends! Hearing the sound of your voices again will give me tremendous pleasure.

Kimiko:
Omi!

Clay:
Run!

Raimundo:
It's a trap!

Omi:
That did not give me as much pleasure as I had hoped.

Jack:
You know this trap would never have worked if I hadn't lost my Xiaolin Showdown in the first place. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Omi:
Sun Chi Lantern! [absorbs his friends' chi energies]

Wuya:
Stop him! He's merging his chi energy with the others!

Kimko's voice:
FIRE!

Clay's voice:
EARTH!

Raimundo's voice:
WIND!

Jack:
Don't make me bust you up, little man.

Kimiko:
We got the Serpent's Tail, the Orb of Tornami…

Clay:
The Longi Kite…

Raimundo:
And the Tongue of Saiping, which I do not recommend touching.

Wuya:
Let me guess…you're downloading more of your vapid hippity-hop music.

Jack Spicer:
[imitates buzzer] I'm working up a Shen Gong Wu spreadsheet so we can know who has what. Check it. We have the Eye of Dashi, they have the Tongue of Saiping. We have the Third Arm Sash, they've got the Longi Kite. And those really cool Golden Tiger Claws… Omi sent them to the Earth's core, so nobody has them. How do I file that one?

Wuya:
I don't need a scorekeeper! I need someone who will retrieve the Shen Gong Wu and waist time with- wait! I am sensing a new Shen Gong Wu! [gasps] It is the most important of them all. The Heart of Jong!

Jack Spicer:
Smell ya later, losers! [Tries to fly off but has his foot caught in a lasso]

Clay:
You'll smell us NOW, ya dirty snake!

Kimiko:
Smell us now?

Raimundo:
Clay's villain taunting needs some serious work.

Omi:
Oh, yes. Squirrels are most fearsome opponents.

[Jack and Wuya have put some of the Shen Gong Wu together and Mala Mala Jong rises to life]

Wuya:
Jack Spicer, behold… Mala Mala Jong! Mala Mala Jong is an ancient demon warrior. Powerful… Deadly… And invincible.

Kimiko:
Now what? we just camp out here and wait?

Dojo:
How 'bout we "sing songs" Or-or tell "ghost stories" Or ah..oh, oh, oh, oh! I know. S'mores!

Raimundo:
Mala Mala Jong could be attacking the temple right now! We should be fighting with Master Fung!

Omi:
Master Fung ordered us to guard the Shen Gong Wu.

Raimundo:
But...

Omi:
All we can do is formulate a plan to defeat Mala Mala Jong in case...

Clay:
Master Fung fails.

Jack:
Hey you know what they say, finders keepers, losers weepers.

Omi:
The only one being a weeping loser is you Jack Spicer! And you Wuya! You shall weep over your loss as well!

Jack:
Wow! That is the lamest taunt ever. Stick to the jumping and kicking Omi.

Omi:
As you wish!

Raimundo:
So, that's the way it's gonna be, huh?

Kimiko:
You tell us, Raimundo.

Clay:
You can always drop the Shen Gong Wu and leave.

Raimundo:
Nah, I'm up for a Xiaolin slap down.

Omi:
Raimundo, I am starting to think you are not enacting some sort of SECRET ELABORATE PLAN.

Raimundo:
Nothin' escapes you, Omi.

Omi:
Not even you!

Raimundo:
Wrong.