2003 MTV Movie Awards

Justin Timberlake:
[to Sean William Scott] Dude... is that my face on your crotch?

Chris Kattan:
[singing] Envelopes!

Andy Dick:
I love you, Morpheus!

Eminem:
I got mail!

Daviegh Chase:
[whispering] Everyone will suffer.

Larry the Architect:
Watch the sass, Captain Sassy Pants.

Larry the Architect:
Hello, I am the Architect... but please, call me Larry.

Justin:
Yo, LARRY!

Larry the Architect:
The door on my right leads you two to the MTV 2003 Movie Awards. The door on my left leads p*ssy boy here back to his b*tch. Yeah, G... You can't handle it! And the little mini door is for Muffin to go out and piddle. Hey... Hey... You! No... no... no... You are bizarre.

Neo:
And I see Trinity... falling.

The Oracle:
Now that's f***ed up.

The Oracle:
Hey, you that boy from *NSYNC! Now what happened to your jheri curls? Now dat was a good look. Dat was hot!

Andy Dick:
Oh my God! There's Morpheus! He's having a huge orgie at his house after the party... At least that's what most of us have heard...

Morpheus:
It is TRUE, what many of you have heard...

Person from crowd:
What can we expect at this orgie?

Morpheus:
MACHINES!

Justin:
We're so out of here.

Seann:
I dunno, sounds kinda kinky!

Seann Clone:
Wet... Willy... Mr... Timberlake.

Justin Timberlake:
You can do the Robot with J.T.

Neo:
What happens if I fail?

Justin Timberlake:
OK, dude. Lighten up, for real, it's just the Robot.

Neo:
No. I wont!

The Oracle:
Well, hell, I will.

Larry the Architect:
Neo was originally the chosen one to host the show, but he's been a little distracted lately...

Neo:
Trinity!

Larry the Architect:
See! I told you. He is completely p*ssy-whipped.

Seann William Scott:
Dude, you can totally see their nipples

Andy Serkis:
I would like to say a big thank you to all the MTV fans, to all the Lord of the Rings fans, and to everybody who worked on Gollum. It's a complete marriage of skills...

Gollum:
[Gollum suddenly appears and snatches the MTV award trophy out of Andy Serkis's hands] You're a liar, and a thief! It's mine! *I* won it! It was me! We only won because of *me*!

Sm?agol:
[hugging the trophy; cute-faced] And me. MTV is my friend. My friend...

Gollum:
You don't have any friends! Nobody likes you!

Sm?agol:
[Smeagol begins to blubber and then suddenly perks up]

Sm?agol:
Dobby likes me!

Gollum:
[disgusted] Dobby? Dobby's a f***ing fag!

Andy Serkis:
[sternly] That's enough, Gollum.

Gollum:
Piss off, Serkis! You stupid fat woofish f***ing turd!

Andy Serkis:
I'm... I'm not fat.

Gollum:
[pointing at Andy Serkis, the audience, etc] We're not gonna thank anyone, no no! Not you, not MTV, and not those pixel pushing pindicks at Weta Digital! And Peter Jackson, my precious, who do you think you are, you f***ing hack?

Gollum:
[waves dismissively at the audience, and gives quickly flips them off with the finger; the audience laughs in response] *Shame* on you! Shame on you! Go f*** yourself!

Sm?agol:
[covering one of his ears with his hand as he continues to hold the trophy; whimpers] Not listening. Not listening.

Gollum:
Frankly, nothing can compensate for the long hours and low pay and miserable experience we've had making this f***ing movie. And if you think a shitty little tub of gold popcorn is gonna remotely make up for everything *we've* suffered, you're sadly f***ing *mistaken*!

[shouts angrily]

Gollum:
You're all bastards! MTV *sucks*! *We hates you all*!

Sm?agol:
[smiles at the camera] Good night!

Sm?agol:
[Smeagol/Gollum leaves; Andy Serkis looks shocked and embarrassed as the audience applauses]

Neo:
You won't let it...

Larry the Architect:
No, YOU won't let it! I'm the one doing the talking, okay? Mouth shut, ears open! Ergo! Vis-a-vis! Concordantly!

Larry the Architect:
Ergo... therefore... vis a vis... you know what? I have no idea what the hell I am saying. I just thought it would make me sound cool.

The Keymaker:
[to Justin and Seann's girlfriends] What's happening, hotstuffs?