3rd Rock from the Sun

3rd Rock from the Sun

3rd Rock from the Sun is an American sitcom that aired from 1996 to 2001 on NBC. The show is about four extraterrestrials who are on an expedition to Earth, which they consider to be a very insignificant planet. The extraterrestrials pose as a human family to observe the behavior of human beings.

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Year:
1996
11,727 Views

[after drinking household chemicals]

Harry Solomon:
Um, I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body. [Looks at upside-down can] Could somebody please call "116"?

Dick Solomon:
Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?

Mary Albright:
Aw, nobody's perfect.

Mary Albright:
I think you look distinguished with gray hair.

Dick Solomon:
Thank you. I think you would look distinguished with gray hair, too.

Mary Albright:
No. When men get gray hair, they look distinguished. When women get gray hair, they look old.

Dick Solomon:
When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.

Mary Albright:
Good point!

Dick Solomon:
Guns don't kill people, physics kills people.

Dick Solomon:
Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?

Mary Albright:
Haven't you come to your senses yet?

Dick Solomon:
I will never come to my senses!

Dick Solomon:
I'm sorry, there is simply no room in the budget for raises. But I can go you one better: promotions! Sally, you are now *Senior* Security Officer.

Sally Solomon:
That'll look good on the ol' r?sum?!

Dick Solomon:
Tommy, you are now *Senior* Information Officer.

Tommy Solomon:
It's about time!

Harry Solomon:
What about me?

Dick Solomon:
Harry, you are now... Harold.

Harry Solomon:
Champagne for everyone!

Harry Solomon:
I want to give mankind the gift... of electricity.

Tommy Solomon:
Harry, they already have electricity.

Harry Solomon:
Well! Then my work here is done.

Tommy Solomon:
Harry, I need you to drive me somewhere.

Harry Solomon:
Nope.

Tommy Solomon:
You know I outrank you.

Harry Solomon:
Then, "No, sir!"

Vicki Dubcek:
How dare you use your flesh to tempt me?

Harry Solomon:
Well, that's what it's there for!

[Dick is whining about his job]

Harry Solomon:
You know, Dick, when life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons.

Mary Albright:
Just be glad you're at the top of the food chain and nothing eats you.

Dick Solomon:
What about the shark in Jaws? He's so scary.

Tommy Solomon:
It's like watching Entertainment Tonight in Carnegie Frickin' Hall!

Big Giant Head:
It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!

Dick Solomon:
The same thing happened to me!

[after finding out his father was "the Big Giant Head"]

Dick Solomon:
I don't know who I am anymore!

Harry Solomon:
Well, your first name is Dick, and your last name is Head...

Harry Solomon:
Women. You can't live with 'em, and yet they're everywhere.

Dick Solomon:
Mary is too old for you.

Tommy Solomon:
I'm older than you.

Dick Solomon:
Well, then, you're too old for her. Either way, it won't work.

Tommy Solomon:
I make her laugh, Dick. She likes it.

Dick Solomon:
You shut your foul mouth!

[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]

Harry Solomon:
Here's a job that I can do. "Police are seeking third gunman." Tomorrow, I'm gonna march over to the police station and show them that I'm the man they're looking for.

Dick Solomon:
Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.

Mary Albright:
And that's news?

Sally Solomon:
Isn't there a place where people can have mindless sex with different partners?

Mary Albright:
Yeah! It's called "the 70s."

Harry Solomon:
So, when can I touch your breasts?

Sally Solomon:
Right before you die!

Harry Solomon:
Hey world, I'm alive. And these pants are washable.

[Dick has entered the office wearing a tight-fitting construction worker's outfit and a tool belt]

Dick Solomon:
Whaddaya think, Nina? Ya like beefcake?

Nina Campbell:
Not from your funky bakery. [winks]

Tourist:
Excuse me, we've been driving around for hours. Do you know of any hotels that have rooms?

Harry Solomon:
I believe that *all* hotels have rooms.

Harry Solomon:
Dubcek's threatening to make me work it off, and I don't think she's talking about mowing the lawn.

Dick Solomon:
I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion like Romeo and Juliet.

Mary Albright:
They both wound up dead.

Dick Solomon:
Antony and Cleopatra.

Mary Albright:
Dead.

Dick Solomon:
That couple from Wuthering Heights.

Mary Albright:
Insane and dead.

Dick Solomon:
F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.

Mary Albright:
Drunk, insane, and dead.

Dick Solomon:
Tristan and Isolde.

Mary Albright:
Abgeschossen.

Dick Solomon:
Aha, Siegfried and Roy.

Mary Albright:
Okay, one.

Sally Solomon:
What happened, Harry?

Harry Solomon:
It came out!

Dick Solomon:
Is it an alien?

Harry Solomon:
Well, it's purple, and it's slimy, and it's got a hose.

Sally Solomon:
A hose?

Tommy Solomon:
Oh, great. It's a mutant.

Dick Solomon:
Alright, we'll kidnap him, and hide him, when it's a teenager we'll set him free, and then if it's really messed up, we can blame him on television.

[Marry Albright arrives]

Mary Albright:
They just brought him to the nursery. He is positively glowing.

Harry Solomon:
Now it's glowing.

Mary Albright:
Let's go see him. He's got Vicky's eyes.

Harry Solomon:
What's he doing with Vicky's eyes?

Sally Solomon:
I just hope it's not eating them.

[Looking at the babies at the nursery]

Tommy Solomon:
Which one is it?

Dick Solomon:
It must be him - it's hideous.

Man:
Hey, that's my daughter!

Dick Solomon:
I'm so sorry. SHE'S hideous.

Dick Solomon:
Oh, Mary! I've had one of those terrible dreams again! We were getting married!

Mary Albright:
Oh.

Dick Solomon:
No, that's the good part. Then, my family showed up.

Mary Albright:
Oh, and they objected?

Dick Solomon:
Well... They had issues.

Mary Albright:
Don't worry. I wrote a speech in case that happens. Well, it's just two words. One of them's "off".

[Repeated line]

Harry Solomon:
Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!

Harry Solomon:
Incoming message from the Big Giant Head. The Big Giant Head is unable to take your call at this time. You must wait until your call is answered in the order it was recieved.

Harry Solomon:
And my job will be to figure out what causes harm to the human form. Like getting your fingers crushed in a car door. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Dick Solomon:
[reading Dr. Seuss] My God, this man is a genius!

Dick Solomon:
[reading the Bible] Wow, these people begat their brains out!

Dick Solomon:
You want the truth? You want the truth? Well, I can't handle the truth!

Dick Solomon:
I'm not finger-pointing... [points at Mary] but it's YOUR fault! YOU!

Dick Solomon:
Nina, who is this 'Tom' that Mary keeps talking about?

Nina Campbell:
I don't know, and it's none of my business.

Dick Solomon:
It's none of my business and I'm obsessed with it!

Nina Campbell:
That's typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain.

Dick Solomon:
I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let some guy yodel on it!

[around Super Bowl season]

Harry Solomon:
Tell me what you've done to Sally. Where are you taking her?

Mascha:
I can't. I wish I could.

Harry Solomon:
Can't you give me a hint?

Mascha:
All right... We're going to do something on the weekend... in San Diego.

Harry Solomon:
Why can't you give me hint?

Mascha:
We're going to do something on Sunday... in San Diego.

Harry Solomon:
Just one clue?

Mascha:
We're going to something on SUNDAY... in SAN DIEGO... at a STADIUM.

Harry Solomon:
Just one tiny clue?

Mascha:
The Super Bowl, Harry!

Harry Solomon:
WORK WITH ME, BABY! WHICH SUPER BOWL?

Dick Solomon:
Nina, take my car to the garage and rotate my tires.

Nina Campbell:
That's not in my job description.

Dick Solomon:
What is in your job description?

Nina Campbell:
Typing.

Dick Solomon:
Okay, well, type it into your job description and get my tires rotated.

Sally Solomon:
Don't listen to him, he's just a kid.

Salesman:
Oh, don't worry. I used to be a kid myself... a long time ago.

[laughs]

Salesman:
Say there, sport, you like girls?

Tommy Solomon:
Yeah. Sorry.

The Big Giant Head:
The yelling will cease or the killing will commence!

[at career day]

Officer Don:
Sorry I'm late, kids, but I was just involved in one of the world's scariest police chases.

Kid:
How did it end?

Officer Don:
The guy got away. [dejected groans] but, I rolled my car! [cheers]

August:
Your son is impossible.

Dick Solomon:
And you're a pain in the ass, you're made for each other.

Tommy Solomon:
I am now the coolest punk in school.

Dick Solomon:
Well, congratulations. What did you do?

Tommy Solomon:
I got suspended for setting off the fire alarm.

Dick Solomon:
They suspended you? You saved hundreds of lives!

Tommy Solomon:
That's the best part; there was no fire.

Dick Solomon:
Tommy, this is outrageous! The next time you set off the fire alarm, you'd damn well better start a fire first.

Dick Solomon:
I don't mean to panic anyone, but I'm afraid the calamari has been infested with baby squid.

Tommy Solomon:
Dick! Sally and Harry wont buy me a beer.

Dick Solomon:
Sally, Harry, don't be so cheap!

Nina Campbell:
You think you're the smartest man on the planet, don't you?

Dick Solomon:
For the thousandth time, yes!

Dick Solomon:
Badgers do not suck! They bite!

[repeated line]

Dick Solomon:
I'm gorgeous!

[Dick is locked in an invisible box and feels the walls]

Dick Solomon:
Oh no! He's turned me into a mime!

[Harry is dressed as an alien for Halloween]

Mamie Dubcek:
Oh, Harry. You're an alien.

[Harry screams]

Harry Solomon:
NO, I'M NOT! I mean, yes I am.

[Dick goes to a Halloween party as a pirate]

Partygoer:
Ahoy, matey. Where are your buccaneers?

Dick Solomon:
Under my buckin' hat.

Dick Solomon:
Who needs Christmas anyway? I say "Bug Humbar".

Harry Solomon:
Talk to the hand.

Sally Solomon:
Hey, buy us a couple of beers?

Man:
Sure. [Hands Sally and Nina two beers]

Man:
So, you girls going to the big game?

Sally Solomon:
We don't want to talk to you. We're just broke. [Takes beers and leaves]

Mary Albright:
Have a little compassion, Sally, we're healthy. We have to help him.

Sally Solomon:
I say he's lame. Shoot him.

Officer Don:
Hamlet? The story is as old as time: Pretty boy son has a rich daddy, and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy, and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story... but there it is.

Tommy Solomon:
Isn't that the plot to 'The Lion King'?

Tommy Solomon:
Remind me never to ask you for another favor again!

Dick Solomon:
You weren't right for the role.

Harry Solomon:
Hey, how'd the audition go?

Tommy Solomon:
I lost the part. The "Di-rec-tor" didn't think I was good enough!

Dick Solomon:
You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn't have that indefinable something extra.

Tommy Solomon:
I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?

Dick Solomon:
'Romeo & Juliet' is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!

Sally Solomon:
You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. It's like he reached in... and pulled all the bones out of my body... [Sally starts crying]

Dick Solomon:
My god, what are you doing?

Sally Solomon:
[Wipes her tears] Apparently I'm leaking!

Sally Solomon:
YOU! [Points at man by bar] Your sexual organs are in total diometric opposition to mine!

Man:
Well... hey! So, can I give you a call sometime?

Dick Solomon:
This is just perfect. I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much. Is there another family in the whole world like this? I don't think so!

Nina Campbell:
Hey, check out the bartender.

Mary Albright:
[sarcastically] Ooh... God's gift to women.

Sally Solomon:
I hope he kept the receipt.

Sally Solomon:
This is the bake sale committee, right?

Mrs. Hartzinger:
Yes, I don't believe I've seen you before.

Sally Solomon:
I don't believe you're blonde.

Sally Solomon:
Oh, how exciting. I am SO glad I get to be the woman. Next planet I get to be something BIG... WITH HORNS!

Patty Muller:
I don't envy you at having to take care of three men. I only got Frank and he's a full-time job. Just once, I'd like to see that man pick up a sock.

Sally Solomon:
I'd like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink.

Patty Muller:
I'd like to see them do laundry.

Sally Solomon:
I'd like to see them crammed between two steel wheels and ground into a fine paste.

Patty Muller:
You know, I'd like to see that myself.

Sally Solomon:
You let me know.

Dick Solomon:
And I've done some shaving. Somewhere on my body you will discover a tufted heart.

Harry Solomon:
You know, one thing I learned - television always goes better with food.

Tommy Solomon:
Actually, Sally, uh, Halloween is revered as the day when the graves yawn and the dead rise.

Harry Solomon:
Plus you get to stick candy corns up your nose.

Mary Albright:
Are these magic brownies?

Dick Solomon:
Pepperidge Farm.

Dick Solomon:
Lieutenant!

Sally Solomon:
Yes, sir!

Dick Solomon:
This planet has crossed the line. Assemble the giant robot.

Mamie Dubcek:
Do you have anything for rope burns?

Dick Solomon:
Just act normal.

Mary Albright:
I'd ask you to do the same, but I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

Dick Solomon:
I find you pompous, judgmental, and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?

[to Officer Don]

Sally Solomon:
Well, Don, if I had a gun like that I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk till I ran out of bullets.

[Mary and Dick are in a restaurant]

Dick Solomon:
Mary, the waiter made a mistake. You ordered Surf and Turf. They brought you steak and lobster.

Mary Albright:
Dick, that's what surf and turf is.

Dick Solomon:
Oh... I thought it was water and grass.

Sally Solomon:
How nice, it's the gift that keeps on sucking.

Dick Solomon:
What does the crowd look like out there?

Sally Solomon:
Why don't you open up the curtain and look?

Dick Solomon:
Oh, nice breath. What did you have for lunch, garlic?

Sally Solomon:
Well naturally you didn't eat lunch at all so you can chew on the scenery.

Dick Solomon:
Great mastery of theater terms. Did you learn taht you in your book called "How to Perform on Stage?" because maybe you should start with the chapter called "How to Perform on Stage".

Sally Solomon:
Yeah? Well maybe you shouldn't do card tricks that reflect off of your big, bald head!

Harry Solomon:
[eyes closed] Sally, I can't see behind my eyelids.

Sally Solomon:
Open them.

Harry Solomon:
[opens his eyes] Ohhh, they're manual...

Evil Dick:
Do I make myself clear, Tommy?

Harry Solomon:
Oh no, I'm Harry.

Evil Dick:
No, from now on you will be referred to as Tommy.

Tommy Solomon:
Hey, what about me?

Evil Dick:
You will be Tommy too.

Tommy Solomon:
Wait, so Tommy as in the number 2 or as what...?

Evil Dick:
You will all be known as Tommy!

Tommy Solomon:
Holy cow, we weren't just dating leggy babes...

Harry Solomon:
We were dating leggy babes from beyond!

Harry Solomon:
I could do it with my eyes closed!

Tommy Solomon:
You do everything with your eyes closed!

[the Solomons are blasting "Entertainment Tonight" on their new TV]

Alissa Strudwick:
How loud do you need to hear that it's Mary Steenburgen's birthday?

Leon:
Dr. Solomon, I have an answer, but I think it might be wrong.

Dick Solomon:
Why, Leon, of course it's wrong. You'll always be wrong! In fact, the odds of you being right are staggering!

Sally Solomon:
[about her breasts] Hmm, they seem to have greater power when they collide.

Dick Solomon:
So tell me, how far away is Cleveland?

Frank:
An assault charge. The federal court house is there.

Dick Solomon:
Right! Cleveland is a felonious assault away!

Dick Solomon:
Our home for this mission was Earth, a third-rate planet. I got a third-rate car, a job at a third-rate university and now we were looking at a third-floor apartment.

Tommy Solomon:
[pointing to the sky] I've been there. I've been there. And there. And there.

Harry Solomon:
The long, boring stories you must have!

Dick Solomon:
My woman won't let me be a woman! Excuse me, I'm going to go draw a bath and then have a fat-free cookie.

Harry Solomon:
So what are you in here for?

Man:
The police think I'm crazy because I told them I was from the planet Circon 9.

Harry Solomon:
Do you know Steve?

Coach Strickland:
Solomon, climb the rope!

Tommy Solomon:
What's at the top of the rope?

Coach Strickland:
Your self-esteem.

Tommy Solomon:
My self-esteem?

Coach Strickland:
Now climb the rope or you get to go sit with the girls.

Tommy Solomon:
So if I don't climb the rope, I get to go sit with the girls? You're going to have to help me out here, I'm failing to see the downside!

Harry Solomon:
The manual said hair below the shoulders but not above the head. I don't think anyone is going to look down there.

Dick Solomon:
[Dr. Albright is being pursued by another man] I have... a plan!

Tommy Solomon:
Remember, Dick, you're not allowed to disintegrate Earthlings.

Dick Solomon:
[pause] I have... *another* plan!

Tommy Solomon:
[Tommy and Harry are moving Sally's belongings out of the house] [Tommy carries a large box with difficulty] Oh, Harry, you've got to help me with this box, it's filled with rocks and books and stuff.

Harry Solomon:
Step aside. [Harry grips the box and gets ready to push it up, as he does, the box flies over his head]

Tommy Solomon:
[giggling]... It was empty... [Tommy leaves]

Harry Solomon:
No. [grabs the box and starts to leave] I'm the strongest man in the world!

Harry Solomon:
So, Dick. Wanna know what I heard around the water cooler today?... There's a weird guy hanging 'round the water cooler.

Officer Don:
Sally, I think you're only attracted to my uniform! Do you know what this means?

Sally Solomon:
Yeah...

Officer Don:
It means you'll never see me out of uniform again!

Mary Albright:
So are you glad we tried something new?

Dick Solomon:
Not really, it made me cold... and shrivelly.

Tommy Solomon:
[selling chocolate door to door, a priest opens the door] Hi, father. I'm trying to see these chocolate bars so the high school band can go to Washington... and learn about Christianity... and become priests. [the priest slams the door in his face] Fine, then! They'll stay here in Rutherford and worship SATAN!

Mascha:
[On the roof of the second floor] Harry what do you see when you look at me?

Harry Solomon:
You're fun; you're sweet, sure a little bit insecure

Mascha:
Don't you think I'm beautiful?

Harry Solomon:
Sure you're cute; you've got that little mole next to your mouth

Mascha:
Don't you want to give me something?

Harry Solomon:
I want to give you the mountains, the river, the trees

Mascha:
I was thinking more like expensive jewelery

Harry Solomon:
Actually I do want to give you something [he pulls out a lollipop] I had the barber take a bit off the top

Mascha:
I need to tell you something, I'm so terrible at this, I'm not from around here

Harry Solomon:
I'm not from around here

Mascha:
I'm not like other women

Harry Solomon:
I'm not like other guys

Mascha:
I can't tell you why

Harry Solomon:
I can't tell you why either!

Mascha:
We have so much in common

Harry Solomon:
[putting his arm around her] Yes we do [Mascha puts the purple lollipop in her mouth]

Mamie Dubcek:
I used to be a cheerleader but they threw me off the team because I forgot to wear underwear... occasionally.

[Don, Judith and Rico drink deeply from their beers]

[in a bar, Dick asks his students for advice]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Gentlemen, how do you know when it's time to get married?

Aubrey Pitman:
Right when that little stick thing turns blue.

Sally Solomon:
I've dated more than any of you.

Harry Solomon:
But by no stretch of the imagination have you been the most promiscuous.

Sally Solomon:
I'm getting married.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Why are you doing this?

Sally Solomon:
Two reasons: I'm a woman and he asked me.

Sally Solomon:
It's what women are supposed to do: Get married, have kids, hire total strangers to raise them and then wonder where they went wrong.

[after an awkward moment between the two, Dick shares with Mary his fear that he's lost Officer Don's friendship - when Don walks into the room... ]

Officer Don Orville:
Hey, Dick...?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Don?

Officer Don Orville:
So...

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Look...

Officer Don Orville:
Hey!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Yeah.

Officer Don Orville:
Yeah.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Last night?

Officer Don Orville:
No biggie.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Cool.

Officer Don Orville:
So... burger?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Fries?

Officer Don Orville:
Later?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Sure.

Officer Don Orville:
Solid!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[after Don leaves the room, Dick swaggers to all] That's my main man!

Dr. Goldberg:
[a psychiatrist is seeing Dick, who has just had his first dream causing him to doubt his sanity] Anything said in this room is absolutely confidential.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Really? [He jumps on the couch and begins shouting] I don't belong on this planet. I'm an alien from another galaxy. The warranty on my brain just expired, and I'm scared to get married.

Dr. Goldberg:
That's a start. [later] The hour's up, we have to end this session.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
So, I'm all better?

Dr. Goldberg:
Well, I don't deal in a world of "better". I don't speak that language. But, no, you're not even close to "better".

Sally Solomon:
I love TV.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Me too, what do you say we turn it on?

Sally Solomon:
It's even better on!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Yeah.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Yeah, even then.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
We seem to be annoyed with each other, and as fascinating as that is, it's irritating as hell.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Oh, sure! Aliens traveled billions of lightyears across space just to ram a probe up Roy Albright's butt!

[having a family meeting after just learning of Roy's alien abduction]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No, no, NO! We are not killing *anyone*!

[subtly trying to kill Roy with a boulder to the head]

Sally Solomon:
You know what really turns me on? The back of a man's head.

Harry Solomon:
[to Ned] You know, I don't get to say this to a lot of people, but... I'm smarter than you.

Judith Draper:
[after Charlotte and Ned drugged and tied everyone downstairs in the basement] It's official this is the worst party I've ever been too.

Frank Muller:
You think you're so much better than us, don't you.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Yes, but you'll evolve.

[Dick is angry at Frank]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I have a plan.

Sally Solomon:
Remember we're not allowed to liquefy humans.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[pauses] Ok, I have another plan.

Sally Solomon:
So, does Frank know you're with me?

Patty Muller:
No, I told him I was setting a perm. Does Dick know you're with me?

Sally Solomon:
No, I injected him with a sedative. I've got at least two more hours.

Patty Muller:
Oh, we're like Thelma and Louise, except we just came to the supermarket, we haven't killed anyone.

Sally Solomon:
It's early yet.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Come on Harry, let's make like a banana split and leave.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Isn't this place magnificent?

Harry Solomon:
It's the Garage Mahal.

Tommy Solomon:
I'm invoking a Supreme Directive. I'll need witnesses.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What is it?

Tommy Solomon:
I want you to remember who you are.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I'm the High Commander!

Tommy Solomon:
And what is "The High Commander's Oath?"

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[quoting] "As High Commander, I vow to handle all problems with restraint and deliberation; I will strive to understand other life-forms; I will avoid aggression, and make peace with all those who piss me off."

Dr. Dick Solomon:
This planet has crossed the line. Assemble the giant robot!

Sally Solomon:
Um... we didn't pack it. You wanted the room for your exercise bike.

Officer Don:
Okay Mr. Solomon. It's time to finger your perp.

[Dick points at Mary]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Believe me I've tried but she just won't let me.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Your chirpy optimism has no place in reality. Guess what? Santa Claus is dead! Beaten senseless for his shiny black boots and his reindeer don't give a damn!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What kind of place is this where you can't wave handfuls of money around in the middle of the night?

[to Don]

Sally Solomon:
If I had a gun like that, I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk until I ran out of bullets.

Sally Solomon:
Dick, I've been telling you. This planet is in a bad neighborhood.

[about the stolen car radio]

Sally Solomon:
Wait a minute. I know what's happened here. You see it all the time on the news.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Uh, toupees?

[referring to the mall]

Sally Solomon:
I think the entire planet should be covered by one big roof.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
And we should never be more than fifteen feet from a weenie on a stick.

[when asked what he thought of the mall]

Harry Solomon:
How would I know? The escalator broke down and I was stuck there for an hour and a half.

[Dick is telling about his casual sex experience]

Sally Solomon:
Wait... You just met her, and...?

Tommy Solomon:
Did you use a...?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh yeah! 3-pack! Ribbed, for her pleasure. But I turned them inside out.

Bill:
Say there, sport, you like girls?

Tommy Solomon:
Yeah. Sorry.

Dr. Mary Albright:
I saw the most romantic movie last night. 'Man, Woman, Bed, Cake'. It's a German art film, very riveting - once you figure out which character is male and which character is female.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Love doesn't just drop into your lap! You have to force it there!

[about what will happen to their earthly bodies after they go on to explore other planets]

Sally Solomon:
Dick, I feel different here. I mean, I like Sally. What will happen to her when I'm gone? What happens to all her stuff? All her shoes?

[Dr. Hanlan just died. Earlier Mary was saying how she wished he would die]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[shouting enthusiastically] Dr. Albright. You got your wish.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Behind his back, they deride him, but to his face they kiss his ass.

Harry Solomon:
Well, that's just the kind of stunt you can see only on cable.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? Like all men, he was governed by the laws of physics. It is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light. Dr. Hanlin's heart reached that speed at 7:35 pm last night, according to the coroner, transforming his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.

Tommy Solomon:
Matter into energy?

Sally Solomon:
Could you have been more trite?

Harry Solomon:
Why didn't you just phone it in?

Dr. Leonard Hamlin:
And I admire your courage, Mrs. Sumner. A framed Audobon print over the mantle posing as art - *that* takes courage.

Dr. Leonard Hamlin:
So tell me Dick, what do you think of my work?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Mechanistic and disturbingly fascist, but pretentious high schoolers might find it thought-provoking.

Sally Solomon:
[last lines - the whole family is gazing up at the night sky] When *are* we going to leave this planet?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
When we know everything there is to know about life.

Harry Solomon:
Whoa, good thing we have cable.

Harry Solomon:
Women. You can't live with them, and yet they're everywhere.

[Sally is wearing a revealing dress]

[sarcastically]

Nina Campbell:
Nice dress.

Sally Solomon:
I just threw it on.

Nina Campbell:
Yeah, well, you almost missed.

Dr. Mary Albright:
For future reference: I have a red Volvo.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Please, Dr. Albright, we barely know each other.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Nina, you smell great!

Nina Campbell:
Thanks, I try...

[Dick buries his face in Nina's rear end]

Nina Campbell:
That had better be your nose!

[Sally is fussing with her cleavage]

Sally Solomon:
They seem to have greater power when they collide. I'm not wrong, am I?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[seeing a couple kissing] Look, life forms. And they're cleaning each other.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[Harry is holding a flashlight with the bulb end facing inwards] You know, I have an urge to hold that.

Harry Solomon:
Well, that's exactly what it's for.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
May I?

Harry Solomon:
Please.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[takes the flashlight and holds it the same way] You know I rather like this.

Harry Solomon:
Yes.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I find this very satisfying.

Harry Solomon:
I know.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[after a pause] I wonder what Dr Albright is doing right now.

Harry Solomon:
OK, that's enough. [takes back flashlight]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[after seeing Mary putting on lipstick] Excuse me, I have the sudden urge to clean you. [kisses her passionately]

Mrs. Sumner:
May I take your coat?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
If I can keep my pants.

Harry Solomon:
Dick, I can't see through my eyelids.

Sally Solomon:
Open them.

Harry Solomon:
Oh, they're manual.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Sally, I want you to observe her. Find out what women on this planet do.

Sally Solomon:
Well, why can't Harry do it?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Because you're the woman.

Sally Solomon:
That brings up a very good question; why am I the woman?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Because you lost.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Leon, of course it's wrong! The odds against you're being right are... staggering! You have a great advantage, you know the outcome. You will be wrong. Don't fear it, embrace your wrongness!

Tommy Solomon:
Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You are a child.

Tommy Solomon:
I'm older than you.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, now I'm bigger. And on this planet, size matters.

Nina Campbell:
Is your wife out of town.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Uh... Mrs. Solomon is no longer with us. She uh... burned up on re-entry.

Dr. Mary Albright:
This is a small office and you are behaving like a big hose-monkey.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You're not so bad yourself, woman.

Dr. Mary Albright:
You have an impressive r?sum?.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I am the high commander.

Harry Solomon:
Okay, so meat loaf is bread crumbs, spices, and ground beef?

Mrs. Mamie Dubcek:
That's it.

Harry Solomon:
And ground beef is essentially nothing more than a cow?

Mrs. Mamie Dubcek:
Yeah.

Harry Solomon:
Well, doesn't it scream when they stuff it in the grinder?

Tommy Solomon:
Hey Albright. What's with the cap?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Why? Too much?

Tommy Solomon:
Well not if you're fighting crime.

Harry Solomon:
So what is this thing you're going to anyway?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
It's a charity auction.

Tommy Solomon:
And what's charity again?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well all I know is they're giving out free drinks and paddles with numbers on them.

Harry Solomon:
Well I guess that's what charity's all about: getting liquored up and spanking your neighbor.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
We can make little differences; we just can't make global differences.

Harry Solomon:
Can we blow up the Earth?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You see, that's a global difference.

Harry Solomon:
It's so hard to keep track of all this.

Dr. Mary Albright:
[after Dick hired her maid Kathy full time] What? You don't do that! You don't steal somebody's maid!

Nina Campbell:
You stole her from Judith.

Dr. Mary Albright:
I did not steal her. I lured her with money. [to Dick] Give me back my maid!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I'm sorry, Mary. But Kathy is not some product to be bought or sold on the open market. She is a living breathing human being with feelings, thoughts and emotions. You don't *own* her! [pause] *I* do.

Nina Campbell:
Oh my god, you've got a jiggly pig!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I do not!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, I miss those days with Mary. Breakfast in bed, lunch in bed. Cleaning the sheets... 'cause there's food in the bed.

Sally Solomon:
I don't get it. For free, murder it's a horrible tragedy, but if you charge a hundred bucks for it, it suddenly it's a sophisticated night out.

Tommy Solomon:
But it's inappropriate for kids.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
This world does need more entertainment that it's acceptable for children.

Harry Solomon:
Something where people are nice to each other. Something where people just love one another.

Tommy Solomon:
They have that. It's called pornography.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
And that's what kids should watch.

Officer Don Orville:
Let me lay out the cold hard facts for you, Tommy. If you are involved in something criminal, there is a one in five chance you'll be caught. If you are prosecuted, there is a 2% chance you'll be convicted. So don't play with fire.

[while playing Monopoly]

Harry Solomon:
Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not, I repeat, do not drop the soap.

[Harry learns Dick how to be manly]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What about scratching?

Harry Solomon:
Outside the pants, manly.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What about inside the pants?

Harry Solomon:
...Too manly.

Sally Solomon:
This is all your fault. I didn't want to be the woman. You made me be the woman.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You're a decorated veteran. I thought you could handle it.

Sally Solomon:
Well, I can't. This is hard.

Sally Solomon:
You just can't imagine what it feels like Dick. It's like he reached in and pulled all of the bones out of my body.

[Sally starts to cry and Dick starts moving away from her]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
My God! What are you doing?

Sally Solomon:
Apparently I'm leaking.

Sally Solomon:
Damn it Dick. Give me some pain I can define!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I will not jam your hand in the toaster again.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, one of us has to experience sex and I am getting nowhere with her.

[Dick points towards Mary]

Sally Solomon:
Well, why didn't you say so? I mean if sex is so important, you and I can do it right here on the desk and get it out of the way.

[reading the bible]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Why are you listening to the serpent? Don't eat the fruit! Don't eat the fruit!

[he turns the page, reads it, then looks over at Mary]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Woman.

Sally Solomon:
Tell me Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I don't know.

Sally Solomon:
Exactly. And you feel the urge to have an 8 pounds screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No, I think I can do without that.

Sally Solomon:
See? Here you and I are completely different life forms and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to share a planet.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
So, lieutenant, give us a full report on your assignment.

Sally Solomon:
He was wonderful. He thinks I'm wonderful. He asked me where I've been all his life.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You didn't tell him.

Sally Solomon:
All the coordinates. Thank goodness he didn't believe me so I didn't have to kill him.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What happened after dinner?

Sally Solomon:
Well, he wanted to sleep with me, I wanted sex, but since he was tired I let him go home.

Sally Solomon:
Hello, Brad. I've come to check your phone.

Nina Campbell:
Sally's date. Start talking.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, what can I say? In her own words, it was wonderful.

Nina Campbell, Dr. Mary Albright:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
She over ate, and he found her charming.

Nina Campbell, Dr. Mary Albright:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
In fact, he's going to call her.

Nina Campbell, Dr. Mary Albright:
[looks at each other] Hmm.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Trouble at home?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No. Why would you say that?

Dr. Mary Albright:
He didn't call did he?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Not yet.

Dr. Mary Albright, Nina Campbell:
Hmm.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I just wish Sally had some woman friends to turn to.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Are you asking for my help?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Are you offering it?

Dr. Mary Albright:
How can I be offering if I don't know what you're asking?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Why would I be asking? I don't need help.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Fine. Then I'm not offering.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Fine with me.

Dr. Mary Albright:
You can't say it can you?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
HELP ME! I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see her like this.

Dr. Mary Albright:
There, that wasn't so hard.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Then you'll help?

Dr. Mary Albright:
No.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[looking at Coach Strickland] You're the one who didn't want him sitting with the girls, right? I think he's just jealous because I've done so much better than he has.

Teacher #1:
Dr. Solomon, no one ever said being a father is easy.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You're telling me. I mean, some of you must have children. [turns towards Coach Strickland] As frightening as that thought is. What do you do?

Mr. Kersey:
You need to set a good example for your son to live up to.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Since when did my son become my responsibility? I mean, you're the ones who are falling down on the job. You're supposed to be educating him. Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival. One day, you're gonna have to find someone to pull your collective butts out of the cosmic pliers and all you'll have to choose from is a bunch of rope climbers!

Teacher #1:
Dr. Solomon, I think you're avoiding the real problem. The home environment.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, of course I'm avoiding it! It's full of crazy people!

Coach Strickland:
Fine, you don't wanna climb the rope, you can go sit over there with the girls.

Tommy Solomon:
[looks towards girls] So, let me get this straight. If I don't climb the rope, then I sit with the girls?

Coach Strickland:
That's right.

Tommy Solomon:
Now, help me out here, cause I'm not seeing the down side.

Sally Solomon:
Frankly, when I think of the alternative, I just have to laugh.

Sally Solomon:
Mother Earth.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Father Time.

Sally Solomon:
Lady Luck.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Gentleman's Quarterley.

Sally Solomon:
Daughter's of the American Revolution.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Son of Kong.

Sally Solomon:
Fairy Godmother.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
The Godfather of Souls.

Sally Solomon:
Mississippi.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Mr. Sippi.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[reading Dr. Seuss's 'Fox in Socks'] When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles, they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

[Dick glances at the front cover, then returns to the page he was reading]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
This man is a genius.

Harry Solomon:
I lost more than a coat, Tommy. I lost a friend. A buddy. A companion who kept me warm when it was cold and warmer when it was kind of too hot to be wearing a coat.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Please, Nina, we're discussing prejudice here, something you know nothing about.

Harry Solomon:
Aww! Nothing says "I love you" like than having sex with a stranger the night before you're suppose to do it with your girlfriend for the very first time on Valentine's Day.

Dr. Mary Albright:
I can't believe this.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What do you mean?

Dr. Mary Albright:
People don't do this. People don't look at other people's psychological files to get gift ideas!

Harry Solomon:
[watching a pay-per-view] Are those two women naked?

Tommy Solomon:
Yes they are.

Harry Solomon:
So... What did that guy do to deserve that spanking?

Sally Solomon:
Hey you guys, why is everything so red on Valentine's Day? I mean the greeting cards, and the candy, even the tire ads.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, red represents the blood that was spilled at the massacre.

Harry Solomon:
Massacre?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Yeah, the St. Valentine's Day massacre. It's a very big deal here on Earth.

Alissa Strudwick:
Hey guys!

Tommy Solomon:
Hey Alyssa! How you doin'?

Sally Solomon:
Hey! Uuuuh... [Runs to the kitchen]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Will you uh uh uh... Oh, look at the time. [Runs out to his room]

Tommy Solomon:
Harry?

Harry Solomon:
Hm? Oh! I was just trying to stagger my exit for a more natural effect. [Gets up to leave] La la la, la la la la. And I'm out!

Tommy Solomon:
This Valentine's Day is about me and Alyssa maximizing the loving and minimizing the virginity.

Sally Solomon:
Yes!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
About time. I've been telling you to do that since you were 14.

Michelle Solomon:
Sally, do you have a boyfriend?

Sally Solomon:
Yes, I do, Michelle. His name is Don, and he's a cop.

Michelle Solomon:
[chuckles] Ohhh! Cops are so hot!

Sally Solomon:
[excitedly] Tell me about it! I've got me the hottest one! Hey, check him out.

[Sally takes a photo of Don from her shirt and gives it to Michelle. Michelle looks at the photo, and her chuckling instantly fades]

Michelle Solomon:
[faintly] Whoa.

[Sally takes the photo back, unaware that Michelle is unimpressed of Don's look]

Sally Solomon:
[smiles] Hands off, hon. He's mine.

Michelle Solomon:
Hey, Sally, can I tell you a secret?

Sally Solomon:
Sure, Missy. Of course you can.

Michelle Solomon:
I'm a virgin.

Sally Solomon:
[impressed] Wow!

Michelle Solomon:
Yeah...

Sally Solomon:
Really?

[Michelle nods]

Sally Solomon:
God... I remember what those days were like, you know. Feel like I was the only person on Earth who hadn't had sex. Wondered what it was gonna be like.

Michelle Solomon:
When did you lose your virginity?

Sally Solomon:
Eh, couple of weeks ago.

Michelle Solomon:
[amazingly] Wow!

Sally Solomon:
Yeah... So what are you waiting for?

Michelle Solomon:
I don't know... The right guy.

Sally Solomon:
Oh my god! That is exactly what I did! That is so cool!

[they giggle and hug]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I'm sorry, there is simply no room in the budget for raises. But I can go you one better: promotions! Sally, you are now *Senior* Security Officer.

Sally Solomon:
That'll look good on the old r?sum?.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Tommy, you are now *Senior* Information Officer.

Tommy Solomon:
It's about time.

[everybody is quiet for a moment]

Harry Solomon:
What about me?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Harry, you are now... Harold.

Harry Solomon:
Champagne for everyone!

Dr. Vincent Strudwick:
Dick, without your cowardice and courage we wouldn't be right back where we started.

[Dick is filling out his tax form]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Line 14, 'Other gains or losses'.

Tommy Solomon:
I gained two pounds.

Sally Solomon:
I lost my virginity.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[Dick is getting highly frustrated trying to fill out his tax form] I don't understand this! I'm a superior being. I can calculate the decaying orbit of a dying moon to within a tenth of an inch, why can't I calculate the subtotal of Line 59?

[Mary has just tasted food Dick's rival Dr. Neesam made]

Dr. Mary Albright:
This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Once again I come second.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Dr. Neesam, I find you to be pompous, judgmental and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?

Dr. Mary Albright:
A man and a woman cannot connect intellectually without eventually connecting... with their connectors.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Are you saying that just because Sonja and I share the same intellectual interests, we're destined to share the same bed?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Yes.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, that's ridiculous! Sonja's far too intelligent to have sex with me!

Dr. Mary Albright:
I am so hungover!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh well, Mary, that's just nature's way of telling you what a tramp you are.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What's the point of having a democracy if people go around voting wrong?

Dick Solomon:
Right, and how many times do I get to vote?

Volunteer:
One time.

Dick Solomon:
And it doesn't matter that I'm brilliant?

Volunteer:
No.

Dick Solomon:
Have you noticed how tall I am?

Volunteer:
We all get one vote.

Dick Solomon:
So your opinion counts equally with mine?

Volunteer:
You got it.

Dick Solomon:
You're awfully smug for a man who works at a folding table.

Dr. Mary Albright:
OK... Let's move on to the candidates... this should be a "NO-BRAINER" city council District 9 HARRY SOLOMON!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
YEAHHHH...

Dr. Mary Albright:
WHAT? Don't tell me you're voting for GANSMILLER!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Don't tell me you're voting for HARRY!

Dr. Mary Albright:
Well YES I'm voting for Harry!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Then you're voting WRONG!

Dr. Mary Albright:
There's no such THING as "VOTING WRONG"!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
YES! THERE IS! You're doing it! You're making a MOCKERY of this WHOLE ELECTION by voting wrong!

Dr. Mary Albright:
It's MY VOTE I get to use it ANY WAY I want!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What's the point of having a DEMOCRACY if people go around voting WRONG?

Dr. Mary Albright:
In my opinion democracy is doing JUST FINE the way it IS!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Then your OPINION is WRONG!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I have only 2 choices for city council! A professional LIAR and my brother the JOKE! Neither of them should even be RUNNING FOR OFFICE! THERE IS NO CHOICE! My only choice is not to vote at ALL! Democracy is HORRIBLE! ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!

Dr. Mary Albright:
You're SO RIGHT! Democracy is the WORST form of government there IS... except for ALL of the others! And that is EXACTLY why you have to vote!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
NO!

Dr. Mary Albright:
YES!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
NOOOO!

Dr. Mary Albright:
YEESSSSS!

Dr. Mary Albright:
If you DON'T VOTE you can't complain

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Complaining is all I have LEFT!

Tommy Solomon:
OK... Let's move on to the candidates... this should be a "NO-BRAINER" city council District 9 HARRY SOLOMON!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
YEAHHHH...

Tommy Solomon:
WHAT? Don't tell me you're voting for GANSMILLER!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Don't tell me you're voting for HARRY!

Tommy Solomon:
Well YES I'm voting for Harry!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Then you're voting WRONG!

Tommy Solomon:
There's no such THING as "VOTING WRONG"!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
YES! THERE IS! You're doing it! You're making a MOCKERY of this WHOLE ELECTION by voting wrong!

Tommy Solomon:
It's MY VOTE I get to use it ANY WAY I want!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What's the point of having a DEMOCRACY if people go around voting WRONG?

Tommy Solomon:
In my opinion democracy is doing JUST FINE the way it IS!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Then your OPINION is WRONG!

Officer Don:
Sometimes a wrinkle runs through the city, and it rears up on its haunches, like an ugly monkey ready to strike.

Sally Solomon:
Oh Don! You always have your finger up the pulse of danger!

Nina Campbell:
You think you're the smartest man on the planet, don't you?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
For the thousandth time, yes!

Hamilton Bell:
[At a TV show discussing Dr Vincent Strudwick's new book, Dr Dick Solomon provokes a disturbance, and the show's host attempts to regain control] Calm down, please, calmly, calmly. This is a show about a science book. It should be boring.

Sally Solomon:
So how was your trip, sir?

The Big Giant Head:
Horrifying, at first. I looked out the window and... I saw something on the side of the plane.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
The same thing happened to me!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Families don't refer to each other by rank. They use more familiar terms like 'you' or 'bastard' or... 'you bastard'.

Sally Solomon:
Are you guys implying that I got this job because of my body?

Tommy Solomon:
We're not implying anything. We're saying it right to your face.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Why is age so important?

Nina Campbell:
Well, I guess you've got a milestone creeping up on you.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No, that's my underwear.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I thought you were only interested in older men.

Laurie Harris:
I am. He's 29.

Dr. Mary Albright:
If we're over the hill, we might as well enjoy the ride down.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Thank you for saying we.

Dr. Mary Albright:
It just slipped out.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You know, the light of the moon is so wonderful. It shows me what you must have looked like so many years ago.

Dr. Mary Albright:
That was... almost beautiful.

Dr. Mary Albright:
I think grey hair makes you look distinguished.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Thank you. I think you would look distinguished with grey hair.

Dr. Mary Albright:
I don't think so. Men look distinguished with grey hair. Women just look old.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Good point! How old are you?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
How old are you?

Dr. Mary Albright:
You first.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No, you first.

Dr. Mary Albright:
You.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[pauses for a moment] 42.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Me, too!

Dr. Mary Albright:
[Dick is smitten with a new co-ed] Oh, will you act your age?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What does my age have to do with it?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Like you didn't know.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I don't know.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Well, I do.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What are we talking about?

Dr. Mary Albright:
All I know is that when I was Laurie's age, I did not appreciate having middle-aged men fawn over me.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[surprised] You were once her age?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Yes, believe it or not.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Very well. Not it is.

[after quoting Poe to his hand in a stairwell]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[hand] Say, that was pretty good.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, thank you. I just made that up.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[hand] Liar! That's Edgar Allan Poe! I was there when you read it!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Then why bring it up? Just to play mind games with me?

Harry Solomon:
You know what they say: the dentist who drills his own teeth has a fool for a patient! Ah... I didn't expect you to cooperate. Well, maybe you'll talk for Mr. Sucky Thing.

Harry Solomon:
After a couple hours, I was hearing my inner voice, too.

Tommy Solomon:
What was it saying?

Harry Solomon:
I don't know, I don't speak French.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
From now on people are going to refer to me as a lifelong bachelor.

Harry Solomon:
Does that mean you're going to start wearing pastel and open an antique store?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Whatever gets me the ladies.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
And to think I had my hand in that man's humidor!

Tommy Solomon:
I am now the coolest punk in school.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, congratulations. What did you do?

Tommy Solomon:
I got suspended for setting off the fire alarm.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
They suspended you? You saved hundreds of lives.

Tommy Solomon:
That's the best part, there was no fire.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Tommy, this is outrageous. The next time you set off the fire alarm, you'd damn well better start a fire first!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What's going on?

Nina Campbell:
Oh, she's having a big affair.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What? You tramp!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Dick, it's a catered affair.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You're cheating on me *and* your diet?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
It was awful. I had a two-hour conversation with someone about Cornish gay men.

Nina Campbell:
Are you sure it wasn't "Cornish game hen"?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
That's what I said: "Cornish gay men"! Aren't you listening?

Randy:
I think you're Harry.

Harry Solomon:
Well, I think *you're* Harry!

Sally Solomon:
So you mean to tell me you really didn't know what you were doing the first time?

Vicki Dubcek:
Please, I didn't know what I was doing. He didn't know what he was doing. The bus kept making all those stops.

Tommy Solomon:
[regarding the five day silence they just took part in] It sure is a relief to be able to talk again.

Harry Solomon:
You're telling me.

Tommy Solomon:
Yeah.

Harry Solomon:
[after a LONG silence] You know, during the silence, I sorta noticed how good looking you are.

Sally Solomon:
I want to meet your mother, we could all go out to dinner, the three of us.

Kevin Randall:
Don't you think it's a little early?

Sally Solomon:
No, breakfast would be a little early, dinner is fine.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Just because you haven't been invited somewhere is no reason not to go.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You've got a thing in your head.

Harry Solomon:
A thing?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
A Cranial Micro Receiver chip.

Harry Solomon:
*In* my head.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
But it's not in the part you use, it's in your brain.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Tomorrow there will be a pop quiz on the effects of thermal dynamics. Remember it's a pop quiz. If you'll study, I'll know.

[after having sex with Sally, Don gets dressed. Sally is lying naked in the bed]

Sally Solomon:
[in complaining voice] Don, why do you have to go?

Officer Don:
[puts on his gun belt] Why, Sally? Because ten years ago I took an oath. An oath to protect and serve this city, and nothing, not even the prospect of lying in bed naked with the sexiest, most beautiful woman I've... what the hell!

[Don drops the gun belt and jumps back to bed. He and Sally embrace and kiss passionately]

Tommy Solomon:
Sally, they want you to appear on 'Good Afternoon, Rutherford'.

Harry Solomon:
That's my second-favorite show!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What's your first-favorite?

Harry Solomon:
'Good Morning, Rutherford'.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[Reading from a newspaper article quoting Sally, after she reclaimed their restaurant table given to celebrity Mark Hamill] Just because I'm a nobody doesn't mean I'm not somebody.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[Dick's cheer at the football game] Sine, cosine, cosine, sine 3.14159

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Ah, yes, the 'Big Game'. God forbid your intellectual development should get in the way of the 'Big Game'. The fate of humanity rests on the outcome of the 'Big Game'.

Bug Pollone:
Is he being sarcastic?

Aubrey Pitman:
Dr. Solomon, you've insulted my intelligence, my religion and my family. And that's okay. But there's one thing you can't insult and that's the Badgers.

Harry Solomon:
I didn't have enough experience to sell hot dogs... So they hired me as a security guard.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I just feel tingly all over! And that's not just the lead paint talking...

[Dick is entering the storage bins on the airplane]

Dr. Mary Albright:
What are you doing?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I'm entering the pod.

[in the Adult Videos section]

Harry Solomon:
We got "Fat Frauleins." "A lusty romp through the cheese and sausage shops of Communist East Berlin."

Dr. Mary Albright:
He's an idiot.

Waitress:
Honey, they're all idiots. But that one's looking at you like you're the only girl on Earth. And although you're real pretty, you're not exactly the last ham sandwich in Hungry Town, if you get my drift.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Dick, are you all right?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, no, Mary. I had another one of those horrible dreams!

Dr. Mary Albright:
Well, what happened?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
We were getting married.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Thank you.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No, no, that was the good part. But then my family showed up.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Oh. Don't tell me. They objected.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, they had issues.

Dr. Mary Albright:
It's all right. I've prepared a short speech just in case they did. It's just basically two words, and one of them's "off."

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Janet, it's a big world out there. Where will you go? What will you do?

Janet:
Oh, don't worry about me, Dick... 'We'll always have Rutherford'.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I don't believe it. The fake mother of my phony son... I've been dumped by my wife and my fiancee on the same day!

Sally Solomon:
What about *me*? I've lost a live-in maid, a cook, a gardener, a chauffeur, and an electrician - and I loved her!

Sally Solomon:
What did they do to you?

Tommy Solomon:
It was pretty scary! As a juvenile, I could have spent 200 hours cleaning up other people's trash on the highway.

Officer Don:
But I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I charged him as an adult.

Sally Solomon:
What does that mean?

Tommy Solomon:
I got a $40 fine.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
So, I guess there's no way you would ever marry me.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Dick, right now there's no way I'd even carpool with you.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well... what if your car breaks down?

Dr. Mary Albright:
I'd rent.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well - there are no cars available.

Dr. Mary Albright:
I'd walk.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What? In the worst snow storm in 50 years?

Dr. Mary Albright:
I'd take a bus.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[harrumph] You would never take a bus!

Dr. Mary Albright:
You're right. *Then* I'd carpool with you.

[Dick exits, expressing his usual smug swagger of vindication]

Sally Solomon:
How did you afford all this?

Tommy Solomon:
You know the jar of pennies I keep in my room?

Sally Solomon:
Yeah.

Tommy Solomon:
Well that's where I keep Dick's credit card.

Vicki Dubcek:
I've never felt this way before.

Harry Solomon:
I've never felt this sticky before.

Vicki Dubcek:
Your family's a little strange though.

Harry Solomon:
Hah! Your mother's Ms. Dubcek.

[Sally has entered the men's locker room]

Naked Guy:
Hey, it says Men on the door!

Sally Solomon:
And you made the cut?

[Dick is watching a man dry himself off in the locker room]

Naked Guy:
Can I help you?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, no. I'm just looking.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[to Mary] I want to have your baby!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
This isn't a thimble. It's Turkish nipple armor. It's very valuable, especially if you have a pair.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You think you're pretty clever, don't you? I happen to know that ever word in your book was published, YEARS AGO! Perhaps you've read... the dictionary!

George Takei:
All right, so I took one towel. *One* towel. I'm George Takei, damn it!

Tommy Solomon:
Harry, get me the laptop, the modem, the magnetic strip key that got us into this room... and a shower cap.

George Takei:
[after Harry questions him about scientific inaccuracies in "Star Trek"] Beam down that guy a life!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Mary?

Dr. Mary Albright:
I'm not Mary. I'm Uma from the planet Thurman.

Officer Don:
[about Dr. Ravelli] Hold on to her, Dick. She's one of a kind.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
So you like the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming?

Officer Don:
Yeah.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on 'til your head doth pop! "Oh, look, a book! A book on shnook! What kind of crook took my shnook nook book?" Perchance, methinks, thee hither yon thou... I think I'm gonna have a freakin' cow!

Officer Don:
You sure seem to hate her... sounds really tough.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Hate's a strong word, Don, but not strong enough!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, that was a wash! The woman I love won't let me be a woman! I need some herbal tea and a fat-free cookie.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Why do you have so many hang ups about the human body? Is it because of all the hang downs?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Harry, are you naked or am I seeing things?

Harry Solomon:
Well, actually it's a little of both.

[August tosses a coke can in the trash]

Harry Solomon:
Hey, don't throw that away!

[Harry takes the can out of the trash]

August:
Oh, why? Do you recycle?

Harry Solomon:
No, I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the world's biggest can collection.

August:
How many do you have?

Harry Solomon:
So far... just the one.

Harry Solomon:
Hey, I've seen this before. This is stain-resistant carpet, watch.

[Harry pours the entire contents of a coke can on the carpet and wipes it with his foot, but nothing happens]

Harry Solomon:
That's a good place for a chair.

Sally Solomon:
It says here the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.

Tommy Solomon:
Orally?

Tommy Solomon:
Statistically, at least one of us should be divorced by now.

Harry Solomon:
Oooh! Can I have that one?

Tommy Solomon:
And 10% of us should be gay.

[everyone looks at Harry]

Harry Solomon:
That's not why we got divorced.

Tommy Solomon:
[Tommy enters the room with his hair cut short] Hey guys

Sally Solomon:
Who are you?

Tommy Solomon:
It's me, Tommy.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You can't be Tommy, Tommy looks like a girl.

Tommy Solomon:
I went to Mega cuts

Dr. Dick Solomon:
If you're Tommy, answer me this, are we or are we not aliens?

Tommy Solomon:
Yeah Dick we are

Harry Solomon:
Tommy

Dr. Mary Albright:
You and your family. I know you mean well, but sometimes it's like being around the Addams Family.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, I admit John Adams' views of a strong central government may have been ahead of their time.

Dr. Mary Albright:
That's not who I meant!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
John *Quincy* Adams? You're comparing me to that freak show?

Sally Solomon:
[Sally drinks from a carton of milk and spits it out]

Sally Solomon:
Tommy, see if this milk's gone bad

August:
Not now, we're doing a report on our family's history

August:
Okay, my family came to America in 1852 on a Dutch schooner. How about yours?

Tommy Solomon:
Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh... escaped from the Nazis through the Alps with his family and their singing nanny.

August:
Uh, Tommy.

Tommy Solomon:
Yeah

August:
That's 'The Sound of Music'.

Tommy Solomon:
Yeah, I know. And don't think that we're not suing!

[Dick enters the office, soaking wet]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Damn that Channel 9 weatherman!

Dr. Mary Albright:
What? It's not raining outside.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No, I cut through his yard and the sprinklers went off.

[Nina enters and sees that Dick is wet]

Nina Campbell:
Car wash again?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Do you see any soap?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[Dick is beginning to realise that his experiment to normalise his family - and become less "weird" - has failed] This was a mistake. Becoming more average didn't make us more human, it made us less.

[first lines]

Dr. Mary Albright:
[looking out of the window] There. Right there. That's where they're putting it. Unbelievable!

Nina Campbell:
I know. How dare they attach the new wing of the museum onto the rest of the museum?

Phillip:
You really have great skin. You probably stay away from the sun.

Harry Solomon:
Well, after almost crashing into it, you learn your lesson.

Aviana:
Are you oily or dry?

Sally Solomon:
Depends on where you look.

August:
I'm August. Don't call me Auggie.

Tommy Solomon:
I'm Tommy. Don't call me Auggie, either.

Sally Solomon:
What words are you not understanding? I want soap. I need soap. Just soap. GIVE ME SOAP!

Tommy Solomon:
August!

August:
I just came for my backpack.

Tommy Solomon:
Oh. It's on the bed.

August:
Listen, I ran out because I was disappointed in you. I thought you were different than other guys.

Tommy Solomon:
Oh, I am different. You have no idea how different I am.

August:
Well, you're not totally to blame because I know I send some really mature signals.

Tommy Solomon:
Okay. I can deal with that. I can forget the physical stuff and just be completely intellectual... all the time.

August:
[smiling] Well... I hope not ALL the time.

Tommy Solomon:
Thank God, 'cause frankly I couldn't have done that.

August:
Look, it's not that complicated. Sometimes you go with the intellectual, sometimes you go with the physical, and sometimes just closeness is nice.

Tommy Solomon:
Well, how will I know when to do what?

August:
I'll decide that as we go along.

Phillip:
Your 'friend' is pretty demanding.

Harry Solomon:
Oh, he's not my friend, he's my Supreme High Commander.

Phillip:
I was in a relationship like that once.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I will now dispatch my foe with an elegant haiku.

[Dick is shown surreptitiously, quickly counting with his fingers]

Dr. Liam Neesam:
[interrupting Dick's count] Five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I know that!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[disgusted, yet in haiku format] I'm so sick of you. You think you know everything. Will you stop it? Please

Dr. Liam Neesam:
Well, yes. That is *technically* a haiku, but it's a rather pedestrian one. Isn't it?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No. No - That was an accidental haiku!

Dr. Liam Neesam:
What?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I-I-I want another turn!

Tommy Solomon:
Did you hear about that guy who cut off his finger in Shop class, and then sewed it back on in Home-Ec?

Sally Solomon:
[to Dr Dick Solomon, who is trying to lose weight] Just be thankful you're a man, y'know, I mean, you guys can get away with it... The only time a woman is allowed to get fat is when she's pregnant, but she can't even enjoy it because she's barfing all the time and her b*obs have turned into a restaurant.

[to Mary]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Not in the car not in the bar / Not in the house not up your blouse / I can not touch you here or there / I can not touch you anywhere.

[about using the radio studio]

Eddie:
Just a couple of rules: Don't curse and don't spill nothing. And if you spill something, don't curse.

Dr Mary Albright:
What do you have some kind of a death wish?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Actually it's more of a "near death-wish" but if we rule out death I really think it undercuts the experience, you know?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[Dick is jealous that his fellow-aliens now see life afresh after they were nearly killed by a falling chandelier] I'm going on that [Rutherford faculty] camping trip, and I'm going to have a near-death experience if it kills me... I have to perch on the teeth of death in order to stare down onto the tonsils of enlightenment.

[after experiencing her first sneeze]

Sally Solomon:
Wow!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What was that?

Sally Solomon:
I don't know, but I want another one.

[after Sally had her first sneeze, Harry also had his first sneeze]

Sally Solomon:
Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.

Dr. Mary Albright:
And this is news?

[explaining a wedding]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
The ceremony begins with the bride being given away.

Sally Solomon:
Excuse me? Given away? Like an object? As in 'free girl with every large fries'.

Tommy Solomon:
Hey, there are free girls? Can I go?

Harry Solomon:
Fries? Can I go?

Priest at the wedding:
We are gathered here, before God...

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Now, which one of those guys is God?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Will you be quiet?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Nina, are you married?

Nina Campbell:
No.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, why not? What are you doing wrong?

Nina Campbell:
You sound just like my mother.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
That must be very confusing for you.

[Dick is clutching a toaster at the wedding]

Dr. Mary Albright:
Where did you get that?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
It was in the room full of prizes.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
So, how was school today?

Tommy Solomon:
The best ever. I had my very first make-out session.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Good for you.

Tommy Solomon:
It was with Dina, my lab partner.

Sally Solomon:
Dina, the one with the--?

Tommy Solomon:
[slyly] Oh, yeah.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Tell us everything, I want details.

Tommy Solomon:
At first, I was conflicted. We come from very different backgrounds. I'm and alien and she's a Presbyterian. I have a highly developed mind and she's got that... big, pouty mouth. I tell you, Dick, it was a tough decision.

Sally Solomon:
What tipped the scales?

Tommy Solomon:
She let me.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What happened next?

Tommy Solomon:
Well, I don't know what came over me, but... they were so big and round and beautiful... I just had to touch them.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
And then what?

Tommy Solomon:
She screamed "Ow, my eyes!" and that just basically killed the mood.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[reading "A Tale of Two Cities"] "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."

[flips to the back of the book and promptly drops it]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I'm not reading three-hundred and eighty-seven pages if he can't make up his mind in the first sentence!

Harry Solomon:
I'll never forget the time I lost my virginity to ol'... what's-her-name over at... the place. Magic.

Officer Don:
Hello, boys.

Tommy Solomon:
Why don't you save the sweet talk for the ladies, Don?

Harry Solomon:
Yeah. Did you think we wouldn't know? Did you think we wouldn't find out?

Tommy Solomon:
Stupid!

Officer Don:
What's the matter? Is Sally okay?

Harry Solomon:
She's a mess! And we wanna know why.

Officer Don:
What did she tell you?

Tommy Solomon:
Nothing. That's the problem.

Officer Don:
Well, how do you know something's wrong?

Tommy Solomon:
Because she tells us everything about you!

Harry Solomon:
The way you wear your hat.

Tommy Solomon:
The way you sip your tea.

Harry Solomon:
The way your smile just beams.

Tommy Solomon:
The way you sing off-key.

Officer Don:
No, no!

Harry Solomon:
Yes! She tells us everything, and you can't take that away from me!

Officer Don:
I would never do anything to harm Sally. I love her.

Harry Solomon:
Oh yeah? Well then, why isn't she talking?

Officer Don:
I don't know, that's her business!

Harry Solomon:
Why I oughta - ! [Tommy stops him] Okay, all right. We'll play the little game your way.

Tommy Solomon:
But remember, we're watching you. 24 hours a day.

Harry Solomon:
I thought we were gonna go see a movie.

Tommy Solomon:
Shh!

[the two turn to leave, but then quickly turn back around to point at Don]

Tommy Solomon:
Wow wow wow. What's with the new shoes?

Sally Solomon:
They ain't new. I got 'em four hours ago!

Mr. Barnes:
[about the US-American citizenship test Dick Solomon wants to skip] I don't think you understand. Why don't you take these studying materials and just come back when you're ready?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
No no, I'm ready now. I've lied on my tax returns, I've been arrested, and I don't vote. I'm a true American. Test me now!

Mr. Barnes:
Okay. Question 1: How is the president of the United States elected?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Now, I know this. He - or she... ya, right - is chosen on the basis of how physically attractive they are and their definition of adultery. And it doesn't hurt to know Barbra Streisand.

Officer Don Orville:
Sally, I'm a cop. I've got keen instincts, and right now, my instincts are telling me that... I don't know what the hell is going on.

Dr. Mary Albright:
OK, let's get right to it: ya stink, ya need to wash.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Showers are the opiate of the fragrant, Mary.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Mary and I used to be like champagne, fresh and bubbly. But now, we've been uncorked too long. We're lukewarm, flat, collecting flies and there's a cigarette butt floating in us.

Sally Solomon:
You could never handle my job.

Harry Solomon:
I could do it with my eyes closed.

Tommy Solomon:
You do everything with your eyes closed.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Intelligent people don't believe in ghosts.

Harry Solomon:
They don't believe in aliens either.

Harry Solomon:
Dick, in order to be brave, you must first become afraid. For true courage lies in the overcoming of fear, not in its absence.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
That's beautiful. Who said that?

Harry Solomon:
Blue Power Ranger.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Shiver me timbers.

Dr. Howard:
So Dick, where are your buccaneers?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Under my buccan-hat.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[evil Dick] It appears I underestimated your stupidity.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[good Dick] Aha! That was your first mistake.

Dick Solomon:
The bathroom has been stocked with two kinds of toilet paper. I, and I alone, get the quilted kind.

Harry Solomon:
When you're thinking of giant heads, think of The Big Giant head.

[Sally is warning Dick that Evil Dick has seduced Dr. Albright]

Sally Solomon:
She cares about you so much, she is upstairs, about to have sex with another man.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
She would do that for me?

Sally Solomon:
If you don't stop her.

Evil Dick:
Now watch as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.

Tommy Solomon:
Wait... even the men?

Evil Dick:
Well... no, not the men.

Sally Solomon:
What about little girls?

Evil Dick:
No, not them, either.

Tommy Solomon:
What about elderly women?

Evil Dick:
I don't think so.

Harry Solomon:
What about women who are already prenant?

Evil Dick:
Enough! Suffice it to say that I will not be impregnating the *entire* population of Ohio, but all fertile women of child-bearing age who are not currently pregnant-and that *a lot*- will now find themselves pregnant by me.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I wish I had a machine that could freeze time. Unfortunately I left it in my other jacket.

[in the classroom]

Caryn:
Dr. Solomon, are you okay?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I can't talk about it, it's too personal. Let's just say... I had sex with Dr. Albright.

Bug Pollone:
Dr. Solomon, we don't need to know about this.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, that's where you're wrong Bug. You might learn something.

[someone from their home planet has replaced Dick but kept the body]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I'm your new High Commander. From this point forward you will refer to me as such.

Harry Solomon:
Okay, Such.

Sally Solomon:
You know, I just really resent how we're supposed to jump every time the Big Giant Head sends a message.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I know, everyone knows he only got the job by kissing the Big Giant Butt.

[lying in bed with Dr. Albright]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, Dr. Albright! That was the greatest thirty seconds of my life!

Dr. Mary Albright:
I understand. You've had the milk, why buy the cow?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
But I want you! I want the cow!

Sally Solomon:
I've seen stuff that would make your eyes burst out of your sockets and splatter against the wall. In fact, I've seen that too.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
In order to get what I wanted, I harmed the woman I love, a man I barely know, and a large, unpleasant woman in sensible shoes.

Professor Suter:
I'm working on my screenplay. It's like "Die Hard," but it's set in an office building.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
"Die Hard" was in an office building.

Professor Suter:
Up yours.

[Harry is pretending to be a doctor at the hospital]

Harry Solomon:
[about a nearby patient] Looks like a burst appendix. Don't let the saline count fool you. I know this man is a diabetic.

Dr. Howard:
[looks at the patient's chart] No, he isn't.

Harry Solomon:
You're suspended!

[two doctors are looking at an x-ray]

Harry Solomon:
Looks like a burst appendix. Don't let the saline count fool you. I know this man is a diabetic.

Dr. Ladypart:
This is a uterus!

Harry Solomon:
You're suspended!

Dr. Howard:
There you are! [Harry tries to walk away casually] You were right; it was a burst appendix! The saline count fooled me. I didn't know he had diabetes! He'll live now, thanks to you!

[to his students]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
All right people, due to your staggering ineptitude, I'm issuing the following assignment. You will write a five page letter to your parents apologizing for wasting their money... and bring a stamp dammit, I'm not a post office!

Judith Draper:
After reviewing all the testimony, the disciplinary committee unanimously votes to admonish Dr. Solomon.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What does that mean?

Judith Draper:
You're officially admonished.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Does that come with a pay cut?

Judith Draper:
No, but if there's another violation, you will be censured.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Does that come with a pay cut?

Judith Draper:
No, but if that fails to stop you, you will be sanctioned, which means a thirty day suspension.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
With pay?

Judith Draper:
Yes, with pay.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, that sounds pretty good. Could I be sanctioned right now?

Judith Draper:
No, we're adjourned.

[to Judith]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I don't need sensitivity training... you strident, power-mad tart!

Harry Solomon:
Sally, I'm starving. What's for dinner?

Sally Solomon:
Oh, I made you some hamburgers. They're down at the hamburger place. All you have to do is go there, order them, pay for them.

Sally Solomon:
Hey, Dick, why is it that you see nude people in museums but they never show them on TV?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Sure they do! But never in comedies, only in dramas and even so when the ratings sack.

[Harry is going through the newspaper looking for a job]

Harry Solomon:
Oooh, look at this. Here's a job I can do: "Police seek third gunman." Well, tomorrow I'm gonna march right down to the police station and tell them I'm the man they're looking for.

Sally Solomon:
These troops need a leader, not some chirpy, weak-chinned, underachieving drone. No offense.

Mrs. Walters:
I don't believe I've seen you before.

Sally Solomon:
I don't believe you're blonde.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Hey, Tommy. How was school?

Tommy Solomon:
Terrible. I got called into the principal's office, because of my grades.

Harry Solomon:
What'd he do to you?

Tommy Solomon:
He made me valedictorian! Apparently, I have the best grades in school. Damn it!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
But, you barely ever go to class.

Tommy Solomon:
I know. That's how stupid everyone else is. Damn it!

Dick Solomon:
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. Who am I?

[after finding out his father was "the Big Head"]

Harry Solomon:
Well, let me see, your first name is Dick... your new last name is Head... I guess that would make...

Dick Solomon:
Oh My God!

Dr. Mary Albright:
['60s flashback; to Manny Rosenberg] You're an inspiration to all Neo-Trotskyite Anti-Stalinist Marxists.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
["Manny"] You're pretty tuned in for a bourgeoise chick.

Dr. Mary Albright:
This isn't a joint. It's a frozen French fry.

Dr. Mary Albright:
[talking about the '60s] You wouldn't believe it to look at me now, but back then, I was a wild woman. If I wanted to do something, I just did it. Did you ever drop acid?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[lying] Oh, constantly.

Dr. Mary Albright:
You did a lot of tripping?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
That's how I dropped the acid.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Why do these people get to have their life stories in the paper? What makes them so special?

Nina Campbell:
Those are the obituaries.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, I want one about me!

Nina Campbell:
Hopefully soon.

Harry Solomon:
Yeah, there was a time in my life when I decided to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but then I had to ask myself, "Have I been offered this position?".

Sally Solomon:
[to Mary] Dad's a great guy, you'd love to meet him.

Dr. Mary Albright:
Dick, you told me your father was dead.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
She meant you'd like his corpse.

Harry Solomon:
My name is Harry and I am an alcoholic.

Triple-A Lady:
Sir, this is "AAA".

[Dick and Don are interrogating a suspect]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
How about a new strategy. What about 'sad cop, slightly effeminate cop'?

Harry Solomon:
You know, Dick, when life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons.

Harry Solomon:
You know how they say that if you really want a job, it'll just fall in your lap?

Happy Doug:
Uhh... no.

Harry Solomon:
And how desperation is the surest road to success.

Happy Doug:
I never heard that.

Harry Solomon:
Why do they say those things? Why?

Happy Doug:
I'm not sure they do.

Officer Don:
[arriving at Career Day] Sorry I'm late, kids, but I was just involved in one of the world's scariest police chases.

Student:
How did it end?

Officer Don:
The guy got away.

[students groan dejectedly]

Officer Don:
But, I rolled my car!

[students cheer]

Jonesy:
Why don't you just let me go?

Officer Don:
Because I know you did it, Jonesy. You jumped the fence and you stole the money.

Jonesy:
But you've got no proof. Besides, I couldn't have jumped the fence. It's physically impossible.

Dick:
Physically impossible? That's where you're wrong! You may not have much respect for the law, Jonesy, but there's one law that you can't break: Coulomb's Third Law of Universal Gravitation!

Jonesy:
What?

Dick:
It states that the force between two objects is proportional to the algebraic products of their respective charges, as well as proportional to the inverse square of the distance between them. But of course, you knew that, didn't you, Jonesy?

Jonesy:
Not all of it.

Dick:
[illustrating on a dry-erase board] You're object "X" and the fence is object "Y". Now, where "V" is the velocity of the two objects and "R" is the distance between them and "E" is a unit vector directed from the first object to the second, we see that the fence proved little challenge.

Jonesy:
Well, I guess.

Dick:
You guess... I bet you guess! And so we see that X equals zero as Y approaches infinity. That's how you avoided the security camera. That's how you managed to get back over the fence. That's how they found you exactly 1.3 miles from the crime scene proving that you and only you could have perpetrated this heinous crime! [slaps the board] There's the proof!

Jonesy:
Okay! Okay! Okay, you got me, I did it! I did it! My god, what kind of cop are you?

Dick:
I'm not a cop. I'm a physics professor!

Dick:
Using Coulomb's Third Law, I was able to prove that he did it.

Tommy:
What does that have to do with it?

Dick:
Nothing. All I proved was that he's rotating around the sun, but he didn't know that. That's the wonderful thing about physics, nobody understands it.

Sally:
So you can use your knowledge to bully people into submission.

Dick:
That's the plan. As long as America's educational system remains woefully inadequate, I rule!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Lieutenant. Information officer. Transmitter.

Sally Solomon, Harry Solomon, Tommy Solomon:
High commander.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
My family.

Dr. Mary Albright:
[ Watching the promotional video] Those are my lines!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
They cut us out!

Dr. Mary Albright:
Judith!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Judith that back stabbing, scene stealing b*tch!

Dr. Mary Albright:
I understand why they cut you out, you were sabotaging the entire project but me?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Yes, how dare they cut out the [ in an English accent] bloody Queen of England!

Nina Campbell:
Harry are you seeing anyone?

Harry Solomon:
No I'm completely unattached, totally available, ready, willing and available

Nina Campbell:
I'm not seeing anyone either and I was thinking since we like each other and both of us aren't seeing anyone, do you see where I'm going with this?

Harry Solomon:
Yeah we can only be friends and nothing more

Nina Campbell:
Yeah that's exactly where I'm going

Harry Solomon:
The hell with friendship, I want you woman [ He kisses her]

Dr. Bankson:
Nina I'm ready for you

Nina Campbell:
I'll be right back

Harry Solomon:
I'll be right here no matter what, no matter what occurs, what it takes, I'll be here, I'm one you can rely on [ sits on a man's lap] I'm sorry but a promise is a promise

Nina Campbell:
Harry I've been looking all over for the right guy, turns out he was right in my backyard

Harry Solomon:
I once found a perfectly good comb in my backyard [He kisses her, they lie on the bed, Nina finds the 20 dollars for the 4 teeth she had pulled out under the pillow]

Nina Campbell:
What's this?

Harry Solomon:
You weren't supposed to find that until tomorrow morning

Nina Campbell:
You gave me 20 dollars?

Harry Solomon:
Yeah well that's the going rate isn't it?

Nina Campbell:
Going rate!

Harry Solomon:
5 bucks a pop

Nina Campbell:
I think you need to get out

Harry Solomon:
I thought we were going to have sex

Nina Campbell:
Get out!

Harry Solomon:
I don't think it's the men you've been dating, I think it's that you're a little bit moody

Ronnie:
Hey mister look what I got.

Harry Solomon:
Thanks kid.

Harry Solomon:
[eats the tooth]

Ronnie:
You just ate my tooth.

Harry Solomon:
There's no graceful way out of this.

Ronnie:
Now I won't get any money from the tooth fairy

Harry Solomon:
Tooth fairy?

Ronnie:
Yeah you know, you lose a tooth and the tooth fairy puts five dollars under your pillow.

Harry Solomon:
Wow, are you sure?

Mom:
Yes and the tooth fairy will visit Ronnie tonight. [ She winks]

Harry Solomon:
Are you coming onto me?

Tommy Solomon:
And you expect to make enough money in the stock market to take Albright to Cancun?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Yeah. But if we found out about the stock market when we first landed here we would *own* freakin' Cancun.

Tommy Solomon:
Excuse me. I read all about it right after we landed.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
But why didn't you say anything?

Tommy Solomon:
Dick, I was thirteen years old. I wasn't obsessed with *money*. I was obsessed with b*obs.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Why haven't you said anything since?

Tommy Solomon:
Again: b*obs.

Harry Solomon:
Hey, the TV's off.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I know, I turned it off.

Harry Solomon:
Well, but now it's... off.

August:
Your son is impossible.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
And you're a pain in the ass. You're made for each other.

Nina Campbell:
[about Dick & Mary] I thought the two of you were over. Why do all men think once they plant the flag, they own the mountain?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I am not about to let another man yodel on it!

Harry Solomon:
Thinking thinking, thinking hard! I know what the answer is, I got it! No that can't be I'm so wrong! I would now but it'd be wrong.

Mrs. Mamie Dubcek:
Thinking thinking, thinking hard! What's the use? I've burned Too many braincells! Maybe I'll just fantasize; look at Alex and close my eyes!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Women always act so adult, but just like that, they'll sink all the way down to your level.

Harry Solomon:
Can I be your roadie? Can I?

Tommy Solomon:
So you want to lug around heavy equipment while we treat you like dirt?

Harry Solomon:
Yeah. Plus I get my pick of the less attractive women.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Women. You can't live with them, and you can't have heterosexual sex without them.

Harry Solomon:
That's probably true.

Sally Solomon:
You know, cars must have a huge power we haven't discovered yet. Look at this, the line, the waiting, the testing...

Harry Solomon:
Can you imagine what you must have to go through to get a gun?

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You know, you really should have that thing removed. It's all I can look at.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
The truth is, you're delightful. I love looking at you. I don't know what it is about tonight. Maybe it's the wine, maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes - but you look puffy you should go home and sleep. [pause]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Is that better?

Dr. Mary Albright:
Sadly, yes.

Tommy Solomon:
[complaining to Mrs. Dubcek] You know, it's really not fair. I can grow a pimple, but not a moustache. What's your secret?

Harry Solomon:
You know, if someone told me a year ago that I'd be driving a car... eating the flesh off a dead bird, I wouldn't believe them.

Nina Campbell:
I knew you had a thing for her!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Yes, but I understand I'm not allowed to show it to her without her permission.

Harry Solomon:
Hey. Why so blue, little buddy?

Tommy Solomon:
I'm a cold fish. I'm destined to live my life alone, unable to ignite the faintest flicker of lust in any woman.

Harry Solomon:
Oh, yeah. I know how you feel.

[Harry touches the lover machine, and it jumps up to Hot Stuff]

Tommy Solomon:
How can you know how I feel? You're "Hot Stuff"! The whole world is your frigging hoister, man!

Harry Solomon:
Oh come on, Tommy. Who cares what the machine says! You got a lot going for you. You're cute.

Tommy Solomon:
[depressed] Great.

Harry Solomon:
Oh come on, Tommy. There's someone out there for everyone. You're a cold fish. So what? Find yourself a nice frigid girl.

Tommy Solomon:
[hopeful] Really?

Harry Solomon:
Yeah! Go on! Rock on, fish boy!

Eric:
I'm waiting to get into the K-9 unit.

Sally Solomon:
Ah, what's the hold up?

Officer Don Orville:
Well, our dog ran away... But we're putting up fliers.

Harry Solomon:
Mr. Demarmel!

Mr. Demarmel:
[about the newly developed very secret, very big salami prototype in Harry's trouser pocket] Is that the prototype in your pocket?

Harry Solomon:
Nah! I'm just happy to see you.

Mamie Dubcek:
You know what they say... 'Under every great man lies a great woman'.

Officer Don:
Don't you mean "behind"?

Mamie Dubcek:
Ohhh, you're dirty!

Harry Solomon:
Well, I can't take it anymore. I quit!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
You can't quit. you're fired!

Harry Solomon:
Noooo!

[Harry is Dick's secretary]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Harry, did I get any phone calls?

Harry Solomon:
Oh yes, it rang repeatedly.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
And... who called?

Harry Solomon:
Well, I don't know, Dick, I'm not clairvoyant.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, good, they taught you to squat.

Sally Solomon:
It's not a squat, it's a pli?!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
What's a pli??

Sally Solomon:
IT'S A FRENCH SQUAT!

Harry Solomon:
I'm out! I'm out of the closet!

Dr. Menard:
Yes, yes. You and Tommy have found a home here at the Pickney. It's not just for exceptional students, it's for exceptional parents.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Well, then you must be delighted to meet *me*!

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