61*

Yogi Berra:
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.

Mickey Mantle:
I like women with small hands, they make my dick look big.

Bob Sheppard:
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Yankee Stadium.

Whitey Ford:
[Sotto voce, to Mickey Mantle] This guy died and nobody told him.

Commissioner Ford Frick:
As I stand here this afternoon, it is impossible not to think of the Babe; not to feel his presence here even now. He was more than a ball player. He was everything that is special about this game. He was everything that is special about America.

Mickey Mantle:
[Sotto voce, to Whitey] I bet I got more p*ssy than he did.

[about the sports press]

Mickey Mantle:
That's just great. One guy's got me all washed up, the other's got me beatin' Ruth's record. You guys should get together an' make up your minds, tell me how I am so I know how to play.

[after a home run]

Roger Maris:
Curveball?

Mickey Mantle:
Yeah, but it didn't curve.

Mickey Mantle:
Roger, are we feuding?

Roger Maris:
They said so on the TV, it must be true.

Mickey Mantle:
Well, f*** you then.

Roger Maris:
Up yours.

[after Maris hits #59, he sits down next to Mickey]

Mickey Mantle:
What happened? I was on the john.

Mickey Mantle:
[whispers to Maris] That blonde back there has got the biggest tits I've ever seen in my life.

Mickey:
I just ain't getting there. I just can't play no more. I'm wore out, done. I'm out of the race. Thought I took pretty good care of myself too.

Roger:
You did Mick. Damn straight you did.

Mickey:
Well anyway, he's all yours if you want him. You go get that fat f***.

Mickey Mantle:
She looks me dead in the eye, and says, "I thought you was a homo." I said "What the hell are you talkin' about" she goes "well I heard you was a switch hitter."

[Drunk]

Mickey Mantle:
I'm expectin' a guest, and his name is Mr. Jack... Daniels

Bob Sheppard:
[voice over] The separate single-season home run records remained until Nineteen Ninety-One, when Fay Vincent, the commissioner of baseball, ordered that there be only one record. Roger Maris died six years earlier, never knowing that the record belonged to him.

[Mickey Mantle just switched from right hand to left hand during batting practice]

Yogi Berra:
Oh, look at this. Mr. Ambidextrial.

Elston Howard:
Ambidextrial?

Yogi Berra:
Ambidextrial, you know... this side, that side.

Mickey:
[on the phone with his wife] Yeah, honey, it was my idea. Ah, you know how it is at the hotel, all the reporters and the fans all the time, this is great. Oh it's just me, Roger, and Cerv. [Notices Roger entering the kitchen, wearing an apron] Hey, you look kind of sexy in that. No, there ain't no girls here, it's Roger! He wearing a stupid little girlie apron, cooking up some bacon. Rog, say hi to Merlyn.

Roger:
Howdy, Merlyn!

Mickey:
[notices Bob entering the kitchen] Oh, here's Bob. Say hi, Bob.

Bob:
Uh, hi Bob.

Mickey:
See, I'm going to be real domesticated now.

Roger Maris:
So Mickey uh... you know, Bob and I, we are trying to keep it quiet here, so uh... we'll have a few beers every now and then, but uh...

Mickey:
What, no broads?

Roger Maris, Bob:
Right.

[about a newspaper article on Mickey Mantle]

Sam Simon:
All I did was say that he had an off season.

Dan Topping:
He hit forty home runs last year. A lot of players would kill for that kind of an "off" season.

[on Maris's failure to hit 61 homers in 154 games]

Milt Kahn:
He had a great season.

Artie Green:
Aaah, the pressure got to him.

Milt Kahn:
You ever play baseball, Artie?

Artie Green:
No. Not really.

Milt Kahn:
That's what I thought.

Whitey Ford:
Hey, Mick, you read Sam Simon's column today?

Mickey:
No, you know I don't read that sh*t. Son of a b*tch has been after me since day one. What's it say?

[about Roger Maris]

Artie Green:
MVP - Most Vacant Personality.

Whitey Ford:
Hey, Slick, how come every time you get drunk it costs me money?

Roger:
Listen Mick, Cerv and I got this place. It's real nice and quiet. It's in a nice place, neighborhood. Heck, sometimes we cook for ourselves and other times we're sending out.

Mickey:
What the hell are you talking about?

Roger:
Yeah, well I was just thinking, maybe you'd like to come and live with us.

Mickey:
Let me get this straight. I got a big f***ing suite at the St. Maritz Hotel, and you want me to move to Queens?

Roger:
There ya go Mick.

Mickey:
What the hell's that?

Bob:
That's Roger's special eggs.

Mickey:
It looks disgusting.

Roger:
Well you don't have to have any Bob.

Bob:
Oh, thank you!

Mickey:
I'm sorry Roger, but I'm going to have to pass.

Roger:
Mick, I'm telling ya, don't listen to Bob. Last few times I ate these, I hit home runs.

[Mickey tries the eggs]

Roger:
Sorry Bob, looks like somebody likes 'em.

Bob:
You like 'em?

Mickey:
No, they're sh*t, but I'm in a bit of a slump. I'll try anything.

Roger:
I did not say the Babe had it easier. Can you believe this sh*t?

Mickey:
You gotta be careful.

Roger:
You'd think I was trying to replace Jesus Christ or something.

Bob:
Then don't read the Daily News.

[Talking about Mickey Mantle]

Artie Green:
I've never seen him get a hand like this before.

Milt Kahn:
He's never been the underdog before.

Roger:
Mick, did you ever stop and think, if you took better care of yourself, you wouldn't be getting hurt all the time. Did you see what you did out there today with only one arm, and tonight you're out screwing around! How can you do that? You're Mickey Mantle for Christ's Sake!

Mickey:
What's that supposed to mean huh? What the f***'s that supposed to mean?

Roger:
I don't know Mick, maybe you're the one who doesn't want it.

Mickey:
You think you know something about me? You don't know sh*t about me.

Roger:
Yeah? Fine.

Mickey:
My dad died when he was 39. Hodgkins. My grandfather, my uncle, same thing. None of 'em made it past the age of 45 so I'm gonna live my life the way I want! Why don't you get off my back. Call your wife, go cry to her about it.

Roger:
If I don't wanna talk about things, and I don't know what they wanna hear, and I just wanna play ball. Does that make me the bad guy?

Mickey:
There is no bad guy, Rodge.

Roger:
Well I got about a 1000 more of these that says your wrong. I just don't understand why it's so important to them.

Mickey:
Maybe you oughta forget about your mail for awhile. Put this sh*t away.

Roger:
No, I gotta write back to the kids. Believe it or not, there's some real nice one's in there from the kids.

The Babe:
Hey Roger, up here! It's the voice from above. Hey Maris, up here. It's the Babe! Hey, you want my record? You want my record? You can come up and kiss my Bambino ass! Hey I saw ya in the paper the other day. Nice hookers you have there pal. You're nothing! You're never gonna be nothing! Hey what, you can't even face me? You can't even look at me? Oh, you wanna play ball? You wanna play some ball? Hey, I tell you what. Catch this you piece of sh*t! [throws a chair at Maris]

Roger:
You would have done it too.

Mickey:
Ah, bullshit. It was you Rodge. You did it, you son of a b*tch. Nobody can ever take that away from you. No matter what bullshit they try to tell you. That record's yours. [Roger and Mickey shake hands] You're a good man, Roger.

Milt Kahn:
[after Maris hit his 61st home run] Do you think you earned their respect out there today?

Roger Maris:
Milt, I don't think that's something you earn on a ballfield.

Roger Heckler:
Get out of here you f***ing hick! No one wants you here! You don't belong here! This is Mickey's town!

McGwire 60th & 62nd Home Run Announcer:
Down the left field line, is it enough? GONE! There it is! 62!

Whitey Ford:
[on Mickey's "clean living" rooming with Roger Maris] You goin' home to the wife tonight?

Mickey Mantle:
Aw, f*** you!

Mickey Mantle:
[Recalling a date with a girl to Roger, Whitey, Yogi, and the rest at a nightclub] So where was I?... Oh yeah, We're gettin' undressed and we start foolin' around and she suddenly stops and says 'I thought you was a homo?' And I say 'What? Wht the hell you talkin' about?' And she says 'Well, I heard you was a switch hitter'!

Dan Topping:
I was wondering if you would consider changing the lineup around?

Ralph Houk:
What do you mean?

Dan Topping:
Switching Mantle and Maris.

Ralph Houk:
You're kidding me. We're only a game up on the Tigers, the most important series of the year and you want to screw with it? What is this about, the home runs? You're reading the fan mail? You're letting the fans run the team?

Dan Topping:
The fans pay your salary, Ralph.

Ralph Houk:
Well, you can change the lineup if you want, but not while I'm manager. And I'll tell you something else, the right guy is going to break that stupid record!

Ralph Houk:
[before game 154, when Roger, breaking down from pressure, wants to sit out the game] I'm not a sentimental type guy, but... most of us, we bang around the game for a while, then we are forgotten. Ruth, Cobb, Gehrig, DiMaggio, those guys were bigger than the game, and I know that is not what you want. But right now, whether you like it or not, you're bigger than the game. And this is your chance to go out there and show them what you're made of, and that you owe to yourself. I'll tell you what, why don't you start the game, and at any moment you want to get out, you give me a look, and I'll take you out.

Roger Maris:
Ok... sounds fair.

Mickey Mantle:
[Talking at the bar with Roger] You know, when I first came up, Casey and everybody gave me so much pressure, saying I was going to be the next Joe DiMaggio, so they gave me the number 6, right? Ruth was 3, Gehrig was 4, DiMaggio was 5, and me, number 6. I hated that. And the press, they was all over me, calling me a hillbilly. I was, I mean, I came in with a $4 suitcase and a $8 dollar suit. My hometown's got 2,000 people, Yankee Stadium's got 40 times that. 19 years old and everyone's expecting me to hit a home run every time I get up to the plate. It was killing me. Couldn't hit the ball. So they sent me down to the minors. Couldn't hit there, neither. So I called my dad and I said,"I'm giving up. Can't play no more." So he asked me where I'm at. Kansas City was where I was, and he drove up and grabbed all my sh*t and put it in a suitcase, and he said, "I'm taking you home, then. You're going to work the mines with me the rest of your life." I started crying, and he just let me have it, boy. He said, "I thought I raised a man. You ain't nothing but a coward. Be a man." Truth was, I was lonesome... scared. Anyways, I started hitting after that, and they called me back up and gave me the number 7. I was glad of that, I hated that number 6.

Mickey:
[a drunk Mickey calls home in the middle of the night while on the road in a hotel] Hey Merlyn... it's me.

Merlyn Mantle:
What time is it?

Mickey:
I don't know.

Merlyn Mantle:
What's wrong?

Mickey:
Oh I just called to say hi to the boys.

Merlyn Mantle:
Jesus! Mickey it's 2:30.

Mickey:
I just called to make sure... everybody's alright.

Merlyn Mantle:
Well they'd like to talk to you more.

Mickey:
That's why I'm calling.

Merlyn Mantle:
Well it's a little bit past their bedtime.

Mickey:
Okay, I'll call back tomorrow. What time do they get up for school?

Merlyn Mantle:
Mickey. It's August.

Mickey:
God, I'm stupid [Mickey begins to fall asleep, letting the phone's receiver drop to his chest]

Merlyn Mantle:
I'll tell 'em you called.

Merlyn Mantle:
[Mickey is now asleep] Mickey?

Mickey Mantle:
[Roger's wife and daughter come to opening day to see him receive his MVP award from last season] Kids up to see the pop get his big award?

Roger Maris:
Yeah just Pat and Suzan. The other ones are too little, they're back in Missouri

Mickey Mantle:
Uh Huh.

Roger Maris:
They came up for opening day and then back tomorrow. Is Merlyn here?

Mickey Mantle:
Nah, she's back in Dallas with the boys. She don't like it too much up here.

Artie Green:
Who doesn't like it up here?

Mickey Mantle:
[Jokingly hitting Artie in the groin with his bat] Your wife, Artie. She likes it down there, you know what I mean?

Artie Green:
[after Artie publishes a story incriminating Roger, and Roger hits a home run with the Yankee Stadium crowd booing him] Can you believe this? They're booing him in his own ballpark

Milt Kahn:
[Sarcastically] Yeah, and I wonder why, Artie?

Milt Kahn:
[In game 154, when the Orioles bring their ace reliever Wilhelm just to face Roger] No, this is bush!

Artie Green:
Come on, it's a good move!

Sam Simon:
[Glares at Artie] Schmuck!

Roger Maris:
[after reading a news story of him signing an X on a kid's ball]... So the guy tells me "Hey, Rog, would you sign an X for my kid?" I sign X and the son of a b*tch takes off! I was going to give him a real autograph, I was just kidding around! We win the most important game of the season and this is the horseshit they write about?

Mickey Mantle:
[Mickey is eating eggs at the coffee table. Bob, his right knee wrapped up, rests it next to Mickey's plate] What the hell are you doing?

Bob:
Sorry, Mick. You're not the only one with a bum knee.

Mickey Mantle:
I don't know what smells worse, your foot or these eggs.

Roger Maris:
This is horseshit. Horseshit. I never make a kid cry.

Mickey Mantle:
For a guy that hates the press, you sure do read alot of it.

Roger Maris:
Well, if they want to talk about what happens on the field, I say that's fair game. But this, this is cheap shot bullshit!

Mickey Mantle:
Hey, cheap shots, man, that's how it is. In '53 I tried to volunteer for the Army, but got rejected on account of my knees. The papers called me a draft dodger. Don't matter to them what the truth is, and I still get booed for that sh*t.

Roger Maris:
So what do you do? You just get used to it?

Mickey Mantle:
No, but you got to. [Bob reaches for his foot with nail clippers] Now what are you doing?

Bob:
This hangnail's killing me.

Mickey Mantle:
Take it to the bedroom, man. That's disgusting!

Roger Maris:
[Reading the paper] "Mean-Spirited Roger..."

Bob:
You know, I'm not even good enough for people to write about. [Roger puts down the paper in exasperation] Why are you reading this stuff, Roger? It's not helping you. Listen, whether you guys break this record or not, it's going to mean nothing unless we get back to the World Series. They may have to cut my knee at the end of the season. I'm going to need that $8,000.

Roger Maris:
Yeah, you're right, Bob. Sorry.

Bob:
[Roger leaves. Bob cuts his nail but drops it into Mickey's eggs] Ohh...

Mickey Mantle:
[Groans and puts down his fork] Now, look what you've done!

Bob:
Probably would make it taste better.

Bob:
[to Roger Maris, watching Mickey Mantle in batting practice] What the hell does he eat?