7th Heaven

Eric:
A mother feeding her child is the most beautiful picture in the world.

Annie:
Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

Ruthie:
You're the worst babysitter I ever had.

Simon:
That's not what you said two hours ago.

Ruthie:
Yeah, well that was before you made me wear the staircase.

Mary:
Is there a law against beating up you brother? Cause I swear, I'll get arrested.

[about Simon]

Annie:
As soon as I get some rest, the little blond boy is mine.

Ruthie:
Bad words make me sound bad.

Simon:
No, bad words make you sound stupid.

Ruthie:
You two better not make a lot of noise and wreck my date.

Simon:
It's not a date, it's a play date. You're eight. I'm going on a date.

Annie:
It's not a date, you're twelve. It's a birthday dinner.

[Annie is showing Ruthie her baby book]

Annie:
See my tummy? That's you.

Ruthie:
Maybe I never should have come out.

Annie:
But... look what you would've missed... riding on Daddy's shoulders... and Simon rocking you on the front porch... and Mary... giving you a bath in the kitchen sink.

Ruthie:
My butt was a lot smaller then.

Annie:
All of our... bottoms were a lot smaller then.

[During labor]

Annie:
Give me your hand.

Eric:
Why? Are you hurting?

Annie:
[sarcastically] No. I'm feeling... romantic.

Simon:
How ya doing, kid?

Lucy:
Get out of my face.

Simon:
You're okay.

Ruthie:
I'm going to be an inferior decorator.

Ruthie:
Do you have to have special clothes to feel special? I just put on a clean pair of underwear and I feel great.

Simon:
We're all just pawns being manipulated by the corruption of politics and big business anyway. Knowing about our health and environment, we just make bigger gas guzzling SUV's, package the... the food in plastic which leaches poisons into our bodies, sell arms to other countries, then declare war on them because they use them, and make paper towels and tissue? That'll only promote waste.

[Eric is tucking his youngest sons in to bed]

Eric:
I love you guys.

Sam:
I love Spiderman.

David:
I love Batman.

Eric:
I love Batman too.

Sam:
What about Spiderman?

Eric:
I love him too.

David:
Which do you love more?

Eric:
...Batman.

David:
Why?

Eric:
I have no idea. Good night boys.

[tucks the boys in and steps into the hall]

Eric:
That was the best conversation I had all day.

Lucy Camden:
You're right. They're not officially engaged, but if they get married before us, you're a dead man and they won't have to get me a jury because I'll proudly plead guilty.

Rev. Morgan Hamilton:
We cannot fight hate with hate. What are we teaching our children today? That will make things better tomorrow?

Eric:
There's always going to be somebody who'll try to take your dignity and self-esteem. Just never let them take your voice.

Annie:
Ginger... somebody. What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? How many "Ginger"s do you have there? Is there a "Ginger" convention in town or something?

Eric:
Well, the wind is real, but you can't see the wind. You know, you can only see the leaves rustling in the trees. Pain is real but you can't see pain. You can only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face.

Jordan:
My mom's not thrilled with the idea of teenagers of the opposite sex left together in a basement unchaperoned to sleep. I think it's ridiculous. No-one's going to do anything in a crowd, and if someone wants to have sex they're going to find a way. They don't have to go to a party to do it.

Annie:
Teenagers.

Eric:
Yeah, if you don't like their mood, wait 10 minutes.

Matt:
This is Bernie, Mary Camden's attorney.

Credit Card Collector:
Mary Camden can't afford to pay a $50 bill but she has an attorney?

Matt:
I'm gonna be... a gynaecologist.

Annie:
Well, he does love women.

Lucy Camden:
I want to be a minister because I want to be like my dad. I want to do what he does, I want to be who he is in the community. I want to serve God and I want to serve mankind. And I believe that this is my purpose in life and I was guided to that purpose in a unique way, by being the daughter of a minister.

Eric:
All right, Simon, I don't like what you have been doing. And it's really difficult to believe that after growing up in this family, you could just so easily abandon what you've been taught and what I think you believe and... I do love you, son, I do. I hate what you've been doing, but I love you.

Lucy Camden:
I swear, you guys gossip more than old ladies.

Martin:
Maybe someday I'll marry a girl with a lot of brothers and sisters.

Ruthie:
Yeah, maybe you will.

Martin Brewer:
Ruthie's like my sister.

Mac:
Are you trying to convince me, or are you trying to convince yourself?

Annie:
I'm losing a son-in-law whom I love and adore, and I'm getting... Rose?

Lucy Camden:
I had no idea this was your life.

Mike Pierce:
My life's just fine and you know why? I'm alive... and I'm grateful for every second of every day.

Simon:
Hey, what's going on?

Ruthie:
Go away.

Simon:
Go away? Come on, it's... it's me, it's Simon... I'm your favorite sibling, I'm the guy you shared a room with, let me in... come on, Cecilia already won't talk to me, I can't take you not talking to me too.

Simon:
Who do you think you are, grabbing the phone out of my hand like that?

Ruthie:
Someone who needed to make a phone call and I made it, so you can have your stupid phone back.

Simon:
Isn't it a rule in this house that we have to respect each other or at least pretend to respect each other?

Ruthie:
Well, no one respects me. No one even pretends to.

Lucy Camden:
This can't be happening. This can't be happening.

Mike Pierce:
It is happening, wake up.

Ruthie:
Good night, Simon, love you.

Simon:
Yeah... I love you too... but you don't have to say it every night.

Lucy:
What kind of name is 'Joy' anyway?

Mary:
The kind of name that explains the look on Robbie's face.

Annie:
You may be weird, but at least you'll all be my honest little weirdos.

Mary:
Cheese covers a myriad of sins.

[the boys are talking to Annie]

Sam:
I got a cookie under my pillow.

David:
I already ate mine.

Annie:
Why would you put a cookie under your pillow? Is it because there's no place in the kitchen to put your cookies?

David:
No, it's for emergencies.

[Eric to Annie]

Eric:
Are you aware that our living room is filled with children who don't belong to us?

[Rabbi Glass telling Matt about his worst argument with Rosina]

Rabbi Richard Glass:
Let me tell you something, man, those were the worst four minutes of my life.

Rev. Camden:
You know what the scariest thing in my life is?

Simon:
Those bowling shoes?

[Ben is reading Lucy's diary]

Kevin Kinkirk:
So, you're snooping in the name of God?

Ruthie:
Nice duds. Does Santa know you stole his elfs' pajamas?

Eric:
You, Lucy Camden, are an outstanding person. And if they gave out an award for the best in the human race, you would win it year after year.

Eric:
If you'll excuse me, I have to put my head through a wall.

Lucy Camden:
Sunday is not the new Saturday night.

Sam Camden:
I wanna see Lucy bein' a preacher.

[Ben is talking to Ruthie on the phone]

Ruthie:
My parents can't get divorced, you big ape, I won't let them!

Matt:
The only thing worse than a lecture from Dad...

Mary:
...is a lecture from the Colonel.

Kevin:
She's crazy.

Sam, David:
*Cra-zy*.

Kevin:
But I love her.

Sam, David:
We love her too.

Lucy Camden:
I told you something bad was going to happen. When she's in the middle of her crab legs, it'll suddenly occur to her that Chandler is not the guy for her and she'll find us and... Oh my God. She said he was going to ask her to marry him. Ugh. I hate her. I hate him too. They don't even know each other. Kevin and I know each other. We're in love with each other. We should be getting engaged tonight. Not them. I may look like the crazy person, but they're the crazy people. Crazy people who are going to get married before I do. When I see Kevin, he is so going to get a piece of my heart. He probably knows Chandler is going to propose to her and that's why he is being nice and going through all this trouble.

Jimmy Moon:
Are you crazy?

Lucy Camden:
Crazy like a fox, my friend.

[about Ben's girlfriends]

Kevin Kinkirk:
There's always something wrong with the girls you pick.

Ben Kinkirk:
What about Mary?

Kevin Kinkirk:
I rest my case.

Kevin Kinkirk:
Lucy Camden, will you marry me?

Lucy Camden:
[to God] Thank you. [to Kevin] Yes, Kevin Kinkirk, I will marry you.

Eric:
You expect me to believe that you have to choose between family and that low life, cradle-robbing sky jockey?

Annie:
Who is in the hospital?

Eric:
The hospitalized.

Roxanne Richardson:
Aren't you ministers supposed to preach forgiveness?

Lucy Camden:
I'm not a minister yet, I don't preach anything.

Annie:
I need to talk to you in the living room.

Sam:
You're in trouble. Tell her you're sorry and you'll never do it again.

Eric:
I don't think that will work for me.

David:
Tell her Happy did it.

Eric:
I don't think that will work for me either.

[Eric is telling Annie about the nightmare he had]

Eric:
I was marrying Kevin and Lucy in my underwear.

Eric:
Don't try to ruin a perfectly good night of spying on the kids with logic.

Annie:
You want a piece of me? I brought seven kids into this world, I can take one out.

Lucy:
If you ever want to make detective, you have to be a whole lot nosier.

Simon:
What's for breakfast?

Annie:
Any cereal in the cupboard you want.

Annie:
The fact that my kid is more concerned with the punishment than the crime tells me something. And you know what it tells me? My kid is a weenie.

Mary:
So I guess I'm grounded for life?

Annie:
That's a given.

Simon:
[to Deena] What about Ruthie as Maid of Honor?

Ruthie:
No thanks. I don't want to be anyone's maid. I don't clean good. No elbow power.

[Eric and Annie are taking Ruthie into school for her first day of Kindergarten]

Ruthie:
You took him?

Eric:
We took all of you.

Ruthie:
He told me he took a cab and paid for it all by himself.

Eric:
Cabs are very cheap on Planet Simon.

Kevin Kinkirk:
So what if Lucy is stubborn and slightly insane.

Ruthie:
You've got money, you've got new clothes, and women are unexplainably attracted to you. Are you Spiderman or something?

Eric:
Do you want me to help?

Simon:
Do I want you to help me? Of course, I want you to help me. But you can't. I have to be a grown up tonight.

[about himself to a patient]

Matt:
The vampire returns...

Simon:
Ruthie... how ya doing?

Ruthie:
Fine, how are you doing?

Simon:
Fine... but I'm not in school.

Ruthie:
...bye.

Simon:
Wait... how is school?

Ruthie:
Fine, except for algerbra.

Simon:
You're lying... no one said anything to you about me?

Ruthie:
Well, why would they?

Simon:
Becase I'm your brother and... the kid on the bike was your age.

Ruthie:
He didn't go to my school.

Simon:
Look, you don't have to protect me. I have it easier than you, I'm not in school.

Ruthie:
[hugs him] Simon, no one has it harder than you.

Mary:
Why can't you talk to me?

Wilson West:
No offense, but you're not in the club.

Mary:
HELLO-MY-NAME-IS-MARY.

Eric:
Mary, he's French, not deaf.

Eric:
You know in some ways your mother hasn't changed since the day I married her over twenty years ago.

Matt:
And in other ways?

Eric:
She's mean. Really, really mean.

Simon:
I guess my inner voice was telling me... you're going to hell anyway for killing that guy... so I might as well have sex.

Ruthie:
[to Robbie and Lucy] By the power invested in me, in *me*, I now pronounce you a couple. You may now kiss you ex-girlfriend's sister. You know, you guys should really go on a talk show.

Gladys Bink:
They're all nuts!

Annie:
There is one thing I've noticed about teenage boys from watching your sisters, and that is they all come back. Sooner or later, all of them come back.

Lucy Camden:
[to Kevin about Roxanne and Chandler dating] This is all your fault! You brought home that...

[Kevin clamps his hand over her mouth]

Chandler Hampton:
Surely you don't think Roxanne is what you were just about to call her?

Kevin Kinkirk:
No, she doesn't.

Lucy Camden:
[at the same time] Yes, I do.

Matt:
[to Kevin] Consider this your initiation in to the Camden family. It's one thing to give my sister a ring, marry her and father a child. It's another thing, a better thing to join her brother in a good old-fashioned family caper.

Lucy:
Today, I am not your daughter, your sister or your wife, I am Lucy Kinkirk. The Reverend Lucy Kinkirk.

Lucy:
Is there anything you want to tell me?

Simon:
Aren't you that Camden who finds out everything last? You know, 'cause if I change something as basic to the family structure as that, this family might just fall apart.

Lucy:
I doubt it.

Matt:
Come on! We can't have a caper like that and keep secrets from each other. Come on! We're brothers.

Chandler Hampton:
Female logic is fascinating.

Martin Brewer:
I made a mistake. A big mistake.

Beau:
Everyone makes mistakes.

Martin Brewer:
Not like this one... I got a girl pregnant and I'm gonna be a father.

Lucy:
[after seeing Sandy's mother and stepfather] I think I liked the drunk father better.

Eric:
He certainly was warmer.

Ruthie:
Martin Brewer loves me, finally.

Ruthie:
I don't think I'll be wearing this hat any more.

Simon:
[completely unaware that his sister dropped it in the toilet] Hey, I'll take it.

Ruthie:
Okay.

Simon:
Okay, okay I'm flexible.

Guy:
Stupid Americans.

Eric, Annie, Ruthie, Simon, Mary, Lucy, Matt:
[all at same time] We heard that!

[Eric is banging his head against the wall]

Annie:
Could you not do that, honey? I don't have time to plaster.

Matt:
What's wrong with Luce?

Mary:
God hates her.

Matt:
Still? You'd think after 13 years he'd move on to someone else.

[as Eric bangs his head into a wall during a visit from both of their parents]

Annie:
Honey, honey, not now. I don't have time to plaster.

[as Annie bangs her head into a wall after being told her father is remarrying]

Eric:
Honey, honey, not now. I-I don't know how to plaster.

[to her friend after agreeing with Eric to a subtle approach]

Gladys Bink:
You are such a liar! [Eric looks dumbfounded] Subtle never really worked for me.

Mary Camden:
We trashed the school gym.

Lucy Camden:
What? Who?

Mary Camden:
Some of the girls from the team and me.

Lucy Camden:
Why?

Mary Camden:
I don't know. We were just eating and talking about the team lockout and it just happened.

Lucy Camden:
And you got busted?

Mary Camden:
Yeah, we must've set off an alarm or something 'cause the cops showed up.

Lucy Camden:
What's gonna happen?

Mary Camden:
I don't know. Sgt. Michaels saids I need a lawyer.

Lucy Camden:
This is unreal.

Mary Camden:
I wish.

Sgt. Michaels:
[about Mary] If you need any help trying to find a lawyer...

Annie Camden:
What?

Sgt. Michaels:
We're releasing her without bail on your recoginance, but this isn't over. She's... you're gonna need a lawyer.

Annie Camden:
What are we gonna do?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Call around. Find a lawyer, I guess. I didn't see this one coming.

Annie Camden:
Not this, no. Not in a million years.

Mary Camden:
What if I get expelled?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens, and then deal with it.

Mary Camden:
I know, I blew it, but up until now, I've been a pretty good kid. Now it's gone. It's all gone. Who knew that one mistake could ruin your whole life?

Annie Camden:
Your dad and I... when you're an adult, you know that one mistake can ruin your life. Your life's not ruined. It's going to be radically different, but only you can decide if that's going to be a good different or bad different.

Mary Camden:
Um, I just got off the phone with Mr. Wolf. Um, Mr. Wolf from the group that gave me the scholarship. Apparently, word of what happened has gotten around, and in light of everything that's gone on, including me recent subpar academic performance, Mr. Wolf said the committee felt there were better candidates out there for the limited funds that they have to donate, for college next year. I lost my scholarship.

Mary Camden:
I knew the choices I was making was wrong and I did it anyway... and I am sorry. I am sorry that I did it, and I am sorry for the way I've been acting, and I am sorry for everything that everyone has gone through because of me. And it kills me to know that sorry doesn't make a difference, and that it doesn't undo what I did, and it doesn't make my family like me again.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Hold on...

Mary Camden:
Look, I know you love me. But how could you like me? I don't even like myself, and I don't know what to do to make things better

Mary Camden:
Okay, this isn't your fault, or your fault, or yours. I knew the choice I was making was wrong, and I did it anyway.

Sheila:
[approaches Lucy angrily with two other girls] Hey, Camden, you better meet me by the bus after school.

Lucy Camden:
I'm not meeting anyone anywhere.

Sheila:
Okay, but if I were you, I wouldn't plan on taking the bus this afternoon.

Lucy Camden:
You know, I don't like being threatened.

Sheila:
Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?

Lucy Camden:
I don't know, but you can all stop following me around, because I'm older than you are, I'm smarter than you are, and I'm tougher than you are!

Sheila:
No, you're not.

Lucy Camden:
Okay. [pauses] Well, my sister is. So just watch it, the three of you!

Mary Camden:
Upstairs. The three of you. We need to talk.

Ruthie:
Who squealed?

Simon Camden:
It wasn't me.

Ruthie:
Lucy. Big surprise. Hey, where's the pregnant chick who stole Matt's car?

Annie Camden:
Kitchen. And show some respect.

Annie Camden:
Wait a minute. Why are you all together? What happened to the bus?

Lucy Camden:
I just change my mind, that's all. Too many freshmen.

Simon Camden:
Actually, I was going to walk home today, but I lucked out when Mary saw me and stopped to pick me up. By the way, she's not such a bad driver when Dad's in the car, you guys may want to take that under consideration.

Annie Camden:
Hi.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Annie, this is Theresa. Theresa's the one who "borrowed" Matt's car.

Annie Camden:
Pleased to meet you. Looks like we have something in common.

Rev. Eric Camden:
We called Theresa's parents, they're gonna come over later.

Annie Camden:
Do they know? Not to worry, Eric's very good at talking to parents about everything it'll be okay.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Uh honey, I was just kind of thinking that maybe you'd be the best person to talk to them.

Mary Camden:
I got it! I got my learner's permit. And Dad got me my own set of keys. Congratulate me!

Lucy Camden, Simon Camden:
Congratulations.

Ruthie:
Ditto.

Lucy Camden:
[to Mary] No, it's not you. It's not your driving I'm afraid of. It's Mom. I don't want to be seen with her, especially at school, and neither do Simon and Ruthie. If you hadn't gotten your learner's permit, we wouldn't even be in this situation.

Mary Camden:
What are you talking about?

Lucy Camden:
Look, it's bad enough that Mom and Dad are all over each other in the house day in, day out, but this is like taking it to the streets... our streets, our schools, in front of our friends. Mom is a walking advertisement that those two can't keep their hands off each other and consequently, there are about to be seven of us. Seven! I'm surprised the zero population growth people haven't shown up at our door and dragged the two of them off to some seminar.

Mary Camden:
I hope Sheila beats the snot out of you.

Annie Camden:
Lunches are on the kitchen counter. Don't worry. This bus thing won't last long.

Mary Camden:
I hope they really hate it and they want a ride home today, but you punish them by making them take the bus for weeks and even months.

Ruthie:
Punish me, Mommy, punish me.

Mary Camden:
[to her siblings] You know, it's one thing to criticize Mom and Dad for the way they act, or the way they dress, but it's another thing to criticize them because they're having a couple little babies. I mean, those babies deserve all the love and respect we can give them, because that's all Mom and Dad have ever given us.

Stevie Stevenson:
You've got two choices, Camden. A screamin' wedgie, or a long walk home.

Marvin:
I'd choose the long walk home. And I'm speaking from experience.

Mary Camden:
[about Ruthie wearing a helmet] That's not funny.

Ruthie:
What's not funny? Who's trying to be funny?

Mary Camden:
I'm a very good driver.

Ruthie:
I'm sure you are.

Mary Camden:
Then take the helmet off.

Ruthie:
It's not a helmet, it's a sports hat, kinda like a baseball cap, only for football, and it matches my shirt.

Mary Camden:
Give me a break. Take it off.

Mary Camden:
I'm am an official licensed driver!

Matt Camden:
Chauffeur. Licensed chauffeur.

Rev. Eric Camden:
And it's not a license, it's a learners permit. Learner being the key word here.

Annie Camden:
That's right. Wherever you go, I shall go with you.

Mary Camden:
I don't care! I'm driving! And I am the greatest driver in all the world!

Matt Camden:
Nightmare.

Burt Carberry:
Reverend, to you think... dogs go to heaven?

Eric:
It may be debated in religious circles, but there's no debate in my heart. I know dogs go to heaven.

Matt Camden:
Is it me or is that Corey chick a pain?

John Hamilton:
So man, have you ever taken anything from here?

Matt Camden:
No, I never really saw the point.

Keesha Hamilton:
I think I'd be too afraid I'd get caught.

John Hamilton:
Oh no, come on, everybody knows that if anybody gets caught, I'm the one they'll blame.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[Holding a glass in his hand] What's this?

Matt Camden:
That's a glass.

Mary Camden:
Why would people eat crazy chickens?

Kevin:
Should I give her that stuff that makes her throw up?

Rev. Eric Camden:
What stuff?

Kevin:
I don't know... I don't think we have any.

Simon:
So... You and Lucy never called off the wedding before the wedding, did you?

Kevin:
Yeah, the closer we got the more often we called it off.

Sarah Glass Camden:
We're hacing twins! Boys!

Matt:
That's insane!

Annie Camden:
I ordered finger food so we could eat it with our hands! Won't that be fun?

Peter Petrowski:
[to Ruthie] You know I love you in a 14-year-old first crush kind of way, don't ya honey?

Simon Camden:
You know, "dog" is "God" spelled backwards.

Simon Camden:
You can't have dinner with Wilson, as least not without telling Robbie.

Mary Camden:
And who are you?

Simon Camden:
It's me, it's Simon.

Mary Camden:
I meant, and who are you to tell me what to do?

Simon Camden:
Simon.

Simon Camden:
[to Ruthie, about Jack] He looks like a giant next to you. It'd look ridiculous if you dated him.

Annie Camden:
Life is not a competition, Lucy, but if it were you would be a winner.

Lucy Camden:
That was incredibly insincere.

Annie Camden:
I know, I'm tired.

Chandler Hampton:
Just so you know... I'm a fairly monogamous guy.

Sam Camden:
Oh, food, glorious food!

Kevin:
I'm your coach! There's no kissing in soft ball!

Lucy Camden:
[to Rachel] Okay. You... be quiet for a second and listen to me! [to Sarah] And you! well, you like adults. And I'm an adult... a very tired adult, who's tired of having to listen to you and Rachel fight. I need a time-out, an adult time-out, which can only happen if you both go home. Now. Right away. I will call your parents and tell them whatever you want me to tell them, but please just go home! I promise that Ruthie will have you both over again... separately!

Lucy Camden:
[to Sarah and Rachel] Okay, I have been listening to you two all day, and a couple of things are clear. You both like Ruthie, and you both have a different relationship with Ruthie... which happens. Different people see different things in you, and they bring out different qualities, and...

Rachel:
No offense, but if I wanted an after-school special lecture, I'd turn on my TV.

Julie Camden Hastings:
I don't know if I believe Mary.

Dr. Hank Hastings:
I think we should tell Eric and Annie about her - about the beer, and that she's still hanging out with Frankie.

Julie Camden Hastings:
I hate to get her in trouble. If this were an isolated incident... she wasn't drunk. She could be telling the truth

Dr. Hank Hastings:
But if she is in trouble, and we don't say anything, how are we going to feel later... that we knew she was in trouble, and we did nothing?

Lucy Camden:
Why don't you girls go outside and play, and I'll set us up a picnic lunch?

Rachel:
I don't like eating outside. It's a bug thing.

Lucy Camden:
Okay... well, then, we'll have a picnic indoors.

Sarah:
With orange soda?

Rachel:
I don't like orange soda, and neither does Ruthie.

Sarah:
Ruthie likes orange soda.

Lucy Camden:
Who wants a cookie?

Rachel:
Ruthie's my best friend, and I think I know if she likes orange soda!

Sarah:
She was my best friend first.

Rachel:
But you obviously don't know her as well as I do!

Sarah:
Yes, I do.

Rachel:
No, you don't!

Lucy Camden:
Really. Taste a cookie. They're still warm.

Rachel:
What's Ruthie's favorite color?

Sarah:
Purple.

Rachel:
Blue! What does she want to be when she grows up?

Sarah:
A vet.

Rachel:
Queen Elizabeth! See, I told you that you didn't know her. I know her. She's my best friend!

Julie Camden Hastings:
This was a mistake. I'm never leaving Erica again, ever!

Mary Camden:
Please don't say that.

Dr. Hank Hastings:
We come home, the house is a mess, the baby is a mess, there's another baby here we don't even know. You had guests over after we told you not to, and you were drinking. What is wrong with you?

Annie Jackson-Camden:
[to Frankie] What are you doing?

Frankie:
What do you mean?

Annie Jackson-Camden:
What are you doing with that man?

Frankie:
Look, Johnny is a great husband and father.

Annie Jackson-Camden:
He tried to hit you. He would have hit you if my husband hadn't stepped in.

Frankie:
But I love him, okay?

Annie Jackson-Camden:
Do you love Mercy?

Frankie:
Of course I love her!

Annie Jackson-Camden:
Then why do you keep putting her at risk? If Johnny had hit you, or if someone had called the police, you and Johnny would be in jail right now. If that happened, then what would happen to Mercy?

Frankie:
[to Mary] I came all this way to beg you in person. Please watch Mercy. Please. Be my friend, and do me this one favor. I just need an hour, and your sister said your aunt and uncle would be gone all day. [pauses] I think Johnny's cheating on me. I want to follow him - catch him in the act. And I can't do that unless you watch Mercy.

Mary Camden:
[hesitates] One hour, right?

Frankie:
Two hours max.

Mary Camden:
Please don't blow this.

Frankie:
I won't. I won't. I'll just go get Mercy.

Mary Camden:
You left her in the car?

Frankie:
I rolled the window down. Man... you're the best friend ever. [leaves]

Mary Camden:
Yeah, or the stupidest friend ever.

Mary Camden:
The beer isn't mine, it's Frankie's. Frankie drank it.

Dr. Hank Hastings:
That's your defense: "the beer belongs to my pot-smoking friend?" How stupid do you think we are?

Julie Camden Hastings:
Let's just forget the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic, and that any trace of alcohol in my house doesn't exactly make me happy. Let's assume that you're telling the truth - it's not your beer. Let's talk about how you, my underage niece, happens to have be involved with an underage friend who has beer. What's happened to you? Who are you?

Simon Camden:
[about his earring] But if I take it out, the hole will close up!

Reverend Eric Camden:
Exactly!

Simon Camden:
That's not fair. Why can't I keep the earring?

Ruthie Camden:
Because you look like a girl!

Annie Jackson-Camden:
You went out of the house tonight without our permission. You went to the house of someone we don't know and have never met. At that house you allowed that someone we don't know to pierce your ear.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Be grateful that the only thing we're doing is making you take out your earring out.

Simon Camden:
Fine!

Lucy Camden:
[to Eric] I'm sorry about tonight. I was trying to watch everyone and I shouldn't have let Simon sneak out of the house

Reverend Eric Camden:
It's not your fault you weren't in charge of Simon. Simon is in charge of Simon.

Frankie:
[to Annie] Are you actually suggesting that I leave Johnny? I can't raise a kid on my own.

Annie Jackson-Camden:
You can't stay with a man who hits you. You can't. Mercy will grow up thinking that's what women do: they get hit. Is that what you want to teach her?

Annie Jackson-Camden:
Great husbands don't smoke pot, cheat, hit their wives. Open your eyes, Frankie, and see who you're really married to before it's too late.

Kevin Kinkirk:
[to Lucy] Honey, you're not going crazy, you're already there.

Simon:
My life would be easier without you in it.

Rev. Camden:
You don't mean that.

Simon:
Yeah. I think I do.

Annie:
We're going to be one big, happy, bowling family.

Annie:
But I thought you liked school.

Ruthie:
I like peanut butter, but I don't want it everyday.

Eric:
You don't wanna mess with my kid.

Eric:
So your sister shoved a guy's head in the toilet?

Matt:
Up to the collar. You would have been proud.

Lucy Camden:
That was her mom, she didn't seem to mean, did she?

Jimmy Moon:
No, but maybe she was battling to keep her dark side at bay the whole time.

Simon Camden:
[to Mary when she wants to borrow money] No, no, no!

Mary Camden:
I will drive you on dates or anywhere you want to go.

Simon Camden:
Your car seats two. Where's my date supposed to sit, in the trunk?

Simon Camden:
What are we gonna do about this?

Lucy Camden:
We're gonna let Mary handle it. It's her problem, not ours.

Ruthie Camden:
Please don't let them put Mary in jail again.

Simon Camden:
You say to let Mary handle it, but she's not. We're the ones getting the calls, and sooner or later Mom and Dad are gonna find out. And deadbeat or not, she's still our sister.

Lucy Camden:
[to Mary] See, the trick isn't getting the job, it's keeping the job.

Mary Camden:
Why are you so snotty?

Lucy Camden:
Considering I spent the day dodging creditors and breaking into piggy banks, I think I'm entitled to be a little snotty.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[about Mary] You know, she quit her job at the pool hall, she quit her job at Pete's Pizza. She doesn't have any friends... well, not any good ones. She needs a job.

Annie Camden:
Yes, Mary needs a job, and money, and friends... good ones. But she has bills to pay. She also needs to take a job to pay those bills. And the job she takes probably won't be a job she loves or even likes. And then she'll see how important it is to have a job you love. And jobs people love usually involve training and/or education. That will force her to set goals and move forward.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Are you just going to will her into this realization?

Annie Camden:
She's not on our schedule. We need to give her time. She'll realize it when she realizes it.

Rev. Eric Camden:
In the meantime, no job plus no money equals no car, right? I mean, if she can't pay for the car, she'll lose it.

Annie Camden:
So let her lose the car.

Rev. Eric Camden:
This isn't about losing Mary's car. This is about losing Mary!

Annie Camden:
You think I don't know that? You know, just because I'm not a minister or a therapist doesn't mean I don't know when she's in trouble. I'm her mother! And I think she needs to be the one to ask for help, and she's not ready yet!

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, I'm her father, and I say she needs help now, whether she asks for it or not!

Annie Camden:
What you mean to say is that you're the expert, and what you say goes!

Simon Camden:
This isn't Mary. I'm her brother Simon.

Credit Card Collector:
Well, when Mary gets in, would you tell her that if she doesn't pay these bills immediately, we will involve the local authorities

Simon Camden:
Wait, you mean the police?

Credit Card Collector:
Yes. You can't just charge for merchandise and not pay your bills; there are laws. And if we have to, we'll enforce those laws to recoup our losses.

Ruthie:
It's just like old times. Here we are again, lying for Mary.

Kevin Kinkirk:
[to Eric] That's what you do when someone's breaking in - you grab a frying pan?

Lucy:
You really want us to move?

Annie:
Well, Luce, yeah, when you can.

Annie Camden:
I am who I am, and that's who I am!

Rev. Eric Camden:
You're Popeye the sailor man, toot-toot!

Rev. Eric Camden:
The flight?

Carlos:
Nice. They gave me nuts.

Lucy:
You're obnoxious!

Kevin:
That's not very nice.

Lucy:
Did you know Buddhists believe suffering is inherited in life?

Matt:
Then I must be a Buddhist.

[Ruthie and Simon finds a bill on the driveway]

Ruthie:
I wonder who lost it.

Simon:
Obviously no one in our family, this is 50 dollars!

Mary:
I'm going to a fraternity party.

Lucy:
Oh right! And I'm going to a rave with Johnny Depp.

[Upon seeing the ferrets]

Lucy:
Those mice are majorly mutated!

[Annie is calling the local hotel to see if Ginger is registered there]

Annie:
Ginger... somebody. What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? How many Gingers do you have there? I mean, is there a Ginger convention in town or something?

[Matt is going on his first date with Heather, who is deaf]

Simon Camden:
What are you so nervous about? You're probably better off with a girl that can't hear what you say anyway.

Simon:
[to Ginger and Grandpa Charles] So, you guys are planning to do a little travelling together, huh? Sounds... pretty neat.

Lucy:
Yeah! Neat.

Matt:
Really neat.

Mary:
Way neat!

Eric:
Yeah... Travelling can sure be...

Ruthie:
Neat?

Charles Jackson:
Hey, how'd you kids like Ginger? She's something, huh?

Annie Camden:
She's just swell, dad.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Your hair looks nice, Luce.

Lucy Camden:
Nice or... sexy?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Nice, definitely nice. If my 13-year-old daughter had sexy hair, I'd shave her head.

Cecilia Smith:
[on the phone with Mac] I'm gonna make you go out with... Pampers!

George Smith:
Pampers?

Matt Camden:
Uh... I think your pants fell off.

Lucy:
Do you wanna end up like this?

Georgia:
Chubby?

Lucy:
Pregnant.

Georgia:
Oh.

Simon Camden:
I'm drunk? Cool.

Eric:
Faith without risk... is easy.

Annie:
And risk without faith, your kind of faith, is scary.

Eric:
I love you.

Annie:
You're okay.

Ruthie:
Who ratted on me?

Annie:
Uhm... Your brothers and sisters, the police, three neighbors, and the mailman.

Ruthie:
That's what I figured.

Ruthie:
You don't know everything.

Simon:
Well, I know my phone number when someone asks for it.

Ruthie:
And still no one calls.

Ruthie:
Ding dongs? That's not my usual.

Eric:
You have a usual? You've only been in school for a few weeks.

Annie:
Trade Simon for his ho-hos and then use the ho-hos to trade for Lucy's Nutter Butters.

Ruthie:
I could... But variety is the spice of life.

[Lucy thinks Mary likes Jimmy and becomes jealous]

Lucy:
I know what you thought of him. You thought if he had six more arms he could be a babeloctopus!

Matt:
Yeah, well, there's something about jamming a long sharp piece of metal in my arm that gives me a problem.

Jimmy Moon:
While I appreciate that you are a passionate whimsical creature by nature, you also need to appreciate my need for a passing science grade.

Sam Camden:
We already cleaned up the poop.

[Lucy and Ruthie are discussing make out experiences]

Annie Camden:
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this conversation.

Ruthie Camden:
Cramps!

Rev. Lucy Kinkirk:
Did I ever tell you about starting my period?

Kevin Kinkirk:
No, I think I've managed to dodge that story.

Pete:
Well, the only reason he ever pays any attention to me is because I'm a good pinch runner.

Martin Brewer:
That's not a bad thing. You're the fastest guy on the team.

Martin Brewer:
I never thought I'd be the victim of a hate crime. I'm white.

David Camden:
Is Martin black?

[Simon takes a seat at the Womens Clinic]

Leah Morris:
You don't look pregnant.

Leah Morris:
I'm Leah. Leah Morris.

Simon Camden:
Hi. Simon... LeBon.

Leah Morris:
Isn't that the name of the lead singer for Duran Duran?

Simon Camden:
Yeah... I-I panicked.

Randy:
Your chick is really drag.

Jimmy Moon:
At least I've got one.

Jimmy Moon:
Lucy...

Lucy Camden:
Yeah?

Jimmy Moon:
Someday I will kiss you, I just don't want it to be because of some artificial holiday when my feelings for you are real.

Matt Camden:
I'm gonna study. I just couldn't this afternoon because every time I looked up from my book, I noticed how dirty the kitchen was.

John Hamilton:
Well, an unclean kitchen never bothered you before.

Matt Camden:
Well, it did today, and you know, I hate to mention it, but if you had cleaned your breakfast dishes from this morning, I wouldn't have wasted my entire afternoon taking care of that little chore for you.

John Hamilton:
[stunned] Are you trying to blame me for you not studying? So you failed your organic chemistry pre-test because of Heather, and you didn't study this afternoon because I didn't do the dishes, and you're not studying now because your mom didn't do your laundry? [Matt nods] I'm just curious. Now, if you don't pass your chemistry midterm and get kicked out of pre-med, who are you gonna blame? Me? Heather? Your mom? The Colonel? The man on the moon? Problems in the Middle East? Global warming? What?

Matt Camden:
I don't know what you're so upset about. I'm gonna do fine on my midterm.

John Hamilton:
But if you don't, it won't be your fault, right?

Matt Camden:
Look, you don't understand.

John Hamilton:
No, I think that you don't understand organic chemistry, among other things, and you're too pigheaded to admit it, and instead of just asking for help or saying "I need help", you're blaming everyone and everything, as long as it doesn't allow you to blame yourself.

Matt Camden:
You are totally out of line.

John Hamilton:
I don't think I am.

Matt Camden:
Do you get good grades?

John Hamilton:
[smiles proudly] Yes, I do.

Matt Camden:
And? [pauses, doesn't know what to say] That's because I do everything around here, and you do nothing! [storms out]

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Ruthie] Actually, your principal called this morning, and you're not in any trouble. He thinks he may have found a way to get you out of Miss Riddle's class.

Ruthie Camden:
Thank God!

Rev. Eric Camden:
What did you say?

Ruthie Camden:
Thank God. You should thank God. I talked to God and told him how unhappy I was at school, and asked Him to help.

Rev. Eric Camden:
You prayed to get out of Miss Riddle's class?

Ruthie Camden:
If you don't ask, you don't get. I just thought you and Mom could use some help.

Mary Camden:
[on the phone with insurance people] I am begging you, please don't cancel my policy... I know, but I got fired, and you have to give me more than a couple of days to come up with the money... I can't drive my car without insurance! Don't you get it? No car equals no job. I have to have insurance!... look, you can tell whomever you want that you're cancelling my insurance, but you can't stop me from driving my own car... oh yeah? Watch me! [slams phone down]

Ruthie Camden:
[to her parents as they are visiting Eleanor Roosevelt School] They have horses! Horses!

Mrs. Carmen Mackoul:
[to Eric and Annie] The school offers both English and western style instruction.2

Ruthie Camden:
And there's no homework!

Mrs. Carmen Mackoul:
We feel the children work hard during the day. At night, they should be free to relax and be kids. After all, we do have them seven hours a day. Of course, if Ruthie would like to spend time at home studying any subject beyond the core curriculum, we'll set up an individual program for her.

Ruthie Camden:
I may want to do that, considering I don't have to be at school until ten!

Mrs. Carmen Mackoul:
[laughs] We have a flexible schedule. Students can start as late as ten, but then they go until five. Not every student does his or her best work early in the morning. Plus, we have a 14 to 1 student ratio and a whole list of after-school trips and projects. Last year, we took a group of students to the National Gallery in Washington, D.C. and met the President. I think that Ruthie would make a wonderful addition to our school. If you have any questions, please call.

Rev. Eric Camden, Annie Camden:
Thank you. [shakes her hand]

Mrs. Carmen Mackoul:
Bye, Ruthie. [leaves]

Ruthie Camden:
Boy, when God answers a prayer, he answers a prayer!

Rev. Eric Camden:
Does that mean you want to go to school here?

Annie Camden:
Oh, yeah!

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Annie] You know, at first I wasn't thrilled with you going back to college, but you going to school isn't about for me, its about you. You do so much for me and the kids and the church. It's your turn to do something for yourself.

Annie Camden:
Boy, what a difference a week makes!

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, what kind of husband would I be if I didn't support you 100% by helping out with the house and kids?

Annie Camden:
A jerk.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Exactly, so keep studying.

Ruthie Camden:
[to Eric] So did you get me transferred out of Miss Riddle's class?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Yeah. I think I did.

Ruthie Camden:
You and God make a great team!

Lucy Camden:
[to Ruthie] If you got into that school, you should be honored. You should go.

Ruthie Camden:
No, I will not go! You cannot make me! I'm just going to run away.

Lucy Camden:
If you run away, you'll still have to make all new friends.

Ruthie Camden:
No, I won't. My friend Sarah will come with me and we'll join the circus, and when we're old enough we'll marry clowns!

Lucy Camden:
You have put way too much thought into this whole thing.

Ruthie Camden:
Why has God forsaken me? Why?

Rev. Eric Camden:
[about Mary to the Colonel] Look, Annie and I aren't happy that she's not going to college, but she's working. She's earning a living, paying her bills.

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
Who let her buy the car?

Rev. Eric Camden:
No one let her. She just went out and bought it. And as much as I think she shouldn't have, that car is a responsibility that she can't run away from. She has to work hard and and keep her job because she has to pay for that car.

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
Son, to win a war you've got to fight. You got to get in there and get your hands dirty and make something happen, and you have to have a battle plan. What's your battle plan?

Rev. Eric Camden:
This isn't a war.

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
Oh, it's a war all right, and a stake is Mary's future.

Rev. Eric Camden:
As much as we would like to force Mary into doing what we know is best for her, we can't. She's an adult. She has to do this on her own.

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
And what if she doesn't?

Rev. Eric Camden:
She will.

Professor Townsend:
[to Matt's college class] Here's the good news. This was just a practice test to help you prepare for the midterm. It doesn't count. Here's the bad news. Half of you didn't pass. The other half barely passed. Oh, here's some more bad news. The midterm is in two weeks, so if you don't know the material by now, when are you going to learn it? What does this all mean? For those of you who are taking organic chemistry as a requirement for pre-med, you may want to double major in pre-law, because if you don't understand chemistry, you're going to be a doctor who's gonna need a lawyer. Just wanting to be a doctor isn't good enough. You have to study hard, you have to work hard, and you have to get through this class. Class is dismissed... for some of you, I think permanently!

Mary Camden:
Yes, I'm starting a new job today.

Rev. Eric Camden:
You've had a new job every week this summer.

Mary Camden:
That's not true. I was a day camp counselor for almost three weeks.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[sarcastically] You know, just because you're mad at Mom doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.

Rev. Eric Camden:
I'm not angry, the world is angry... at your mom, and I'm not taking it out on anyone.

Mary Camden:
Hello? Is anyone listening to me? I need a car!

Annie Camden:
Hello! Earn money and buy one.

Mary Camden:
You guys bought Matt a car. Why can't you buy me a car?

Annie Camden:
Matt was going to college. You, on the other hand, are not going to college. You are working, so you can buy your own car. How much money have you saved this summer?

Mary Camden:
Saved? On what I make? Please. You guys are forcing me to buy on credit, and you can stop talking about college, because I'm not going to college until I figure out what I'm going to college for.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, maybe so you can earn a living and someday even have your own house, and your own car.

Mary Camden:
Well, maybe I don't want to have my own house. You don't own this home; this is the Church's home.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Yes, but this house is a benefit of my job, which I earned after five years of college and we do have a car. Two cars. Well, three if you count the one we bought for Matt, who's in college.

Ruthie Camden:
[about her teacher] She's mean! She's really mean. And she makes me want to do something really, really bad.

Annie Camden:
I've signed up for school today.

Rev. Eric Camden:
What school?

Annie Camden:
College, Crawford. I want to get my teaching credentials in early childhood education.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Now? You do know that we have 7 kids now.

Annie Camden:
We have the twins and Ruthie, but Simon starts high school tomorrow, Lucy graduates high school this year, Mary's out of high school and working and Matt is out on his own.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Matt is hardly out on his own. He sleeps out on his own. He's still a kid.

Annie Camden:
Oh stop it. He and Heather are practically married.

Rev. Eric Camden:
No, they're not. That's just what we say to each other whenever we think those two might be shacking up. And Mary is going to college, she's going to go to college eventually... I hope, as soon as she figures out that she doesn't enjoy minimum wage jobs.

Annie Camden:
Unfortunately, I think Mary is quite happy with her stint in the world of minimum wage.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, I'm not happy with it. With my luck she'll probably decide to go to college when Lucy decides to go and with Matt's we'll have 3 tuitions to pay, oh plus yours. And by the way, who says that Lucy won't have the kind of senior year that Mary had. And Simon is starting high school. Do you remember what it was like when Matt started high school? High school boys are, well they're high school boys. And we shouldn't forget Ruthie, who is well on her way to being more difficult than all the other kids rolled into one. Oh and bonus, the twins are entering the terrible twos. They are not entering, they are there.

Annie Camden:
So, what are you saying? That the family is so dangerous that I can't take 1 or 2 hours away from them to take one course? I'm going back to school!

Rev. Eric Camden:
When were you going to tell me this, as you were backing out of the driveway tomorrow morning?

Annie Camden:
No, I planned to tell you just when I told you.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[sarcastic] Well, thank you Mrs. Camden!

Mary Camden:
Look, if I never go to college are you really going to be this mad at me for the rest of my life?

Rev. Eric Camden:
[Hugs her] Yes. Because you're too smart not to learn all you can as long as you can.

Vic:
I wish I could hold onto some of the fury I felt when I saw you with all your little friends. It might keep me from breaking down and crying.

Rev. Eric Camden:
You have friends.

Ruthie Camden:
Uh... No, I don't.

Rev. Eric Camden:
You... have friends.

Ruthie Camden:
No, I don't.

Simon Camden:
[Answers phone] Hello?

Sam Camden:
Do you think it would be okay if we eat the chicken?

Dr. Hank Hastings:
Everything is gonna be fine. Now, say goodbye, Julie.

Julie Camden Hastings:
Goodbye Julie.

Mrs. Tallridges:
[to Mary] Sometimes when you love a man, you have to give up something to keep him.

Mr. Tallridges:
What did you ever give up for me?

Mrs. Tallridges:
Who said I was talking about you?

Rosina Glass:
No, no, eat! Don't let the fact that my heart is breaking stop you!

Rabbi Richard Glass:
Can I help it that while your heart is breaking my stomach is growling?

Simon Camden:
I remember when all I wanted in life was a dog. Now all I want is for life to be that simple again.

[Doorbell rings]

Rev. Eric Camden:
I'll get it! I'll get it! I got it!

Martin:
You never know when pizza might turn into sex.

Annie:
[Answering the phone] Hello?

Eric:
What are you wearing?

Annie:
Eric?

Eric:
Yeah, it's me. So... What are you wearing?

Annie:
What do you mean "What am I wearing"?

Eric:
I mean... What are you wearing?

Annie:
I'm wearing my clothes.

Eric:
What kind of clothes?

Annie:
The same clothes you saw me in this morning.

Eric:
Don't you wanna take off your sweater?

Annie:
No, I'm cold. Are you OK? You sound strange.

Eric:
I'm sick.

Annie:
You're sick?

Eric:
Yeah, I'm love sick for you, baby.

Annie:
"Baby"?

[Picking up a Hello Kitty plush toy]

Matt Camden:
As kitty as my witness, I will never have a Valentine's Day like this again.

[last lines]

Charlotte Kerjesz:
If only we could stop hating each other...

Rosina Glass:
[to Matt] How can you see my daughters's beautiful smile with your hair in your face like that?

[Matt enters the kitchen and finds Lucy and Mary staring at him]

Matt:
What?

Mary:
Could we borrow your Brides Magazine?

Mary, Lucy:
[laughing]

Matt:
You could, but... Why would you need to?

Simon Camden:
The situation could get out of control, me leaving and all.

Rev. Eric Camden:
What are you afraid will happen, that I'll throw myself at your legs and make a scene on the bus station?

Simon Camden:
Dad, I'm not worried about you making a scene. But you do sometimes get this... moist look in the corner of your eye.

Rev. Eric Camden:
And that bothers you, my moistness?

Peter Petrowski:
Sam and David ate the coal.

Sam Camden:
I like coal.

David Camden:
Me too. I'm gonna be a miner.

Kevin Kinkirk:
Lucy and I haven't had sex since I got pumbled by that woman.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Good night.

Annie:
I'm giving birth to twins, and you took a snack break?

Annie Camden:
Hey, Simon, no fighting while I'm gone.

Simon Camden:
Okay. We'll wait til you get back.

David Camden:
I like girls who are a little bit fat.

Simon Camden:
What was that?

Mary Camden:
Tuna helper.

Simon Camden:
So you were supposed to put tuna in it.

Lucy Camden:
He's right. It was just the helper.

Mary Camden:
[pauses] We were supposed to add the tuna?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Simon, do not, under any circumstances, let Ruthie out of your sight. She's planning to run away.

Simon Camden:
You do see that she's just crying out for attention, don't you?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Yes, and your mother and I are doing everything we can to give her the attention that she needs, but our hands are kind of full right now, so we were hoping you could give her some of yours. Scratch that, a lot of yours. All of yours.

Simon Camden:
Well, hey, I'm a team player.

Rev. Eric Camden:
I'm delighted to hear it.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Maybe I'll start dinner.

Annie Camden:
No. Mary and Lucy can start dinner. You should try to grab a fifteen minute nap and then when I'm finished with the babies you can keep an eye on them while I get a shower and a nap

Rev. Eric Camden:
I'm on my way.

Annie Camden:
And Simon is on Ruthie duty until further notice.

Matt Camden:
Sssshhh! You want Mom and Dad to hear you? They're waiting for us. You know they are. Waiting for someone to stop that incessant crying.

Lucy Camden:
It never stops.

Matt Camden:
Thus the word incessant.

Lucy Camden:
We're trapped in our own home. Our hell home... sorry. Usually my brain self-censors, but I can't hear myself thinking.

Mary Camden:
Okay, listen, we can use the crying for cover. If we sneak up into our rooms very, very quietly them Mom and Dad won't be able to hear for the screaming.

Shana Sullivan:
What time do you get off?

Matt Camden:
I just got fired. Isn't that great?

Mary Camden:
What happened?

Lucy Camden:
You made me lie to Mom and Dad! I lied and lied and lied. I wove a twisted web of lies and deceit and walked a tightrope on it all night long. Are they standing right behind me?

Annie Camden:
[to Ruthie] Is that the new outfit that Grandpa and Ginger sent for the boys?

Ruthie:
Is that what it is? I had no idea. Hmm. Guess it was just lying around somewhere.

Annie Camden:
On the top shelf of the hall closet where we keep the rest of the baby gifts?

Annie Camden:
Why isn't Simon watching Ruthie?

Ruthie:
Is Simon my new mommy?

Ruthie:
I don't care what anyone says about the twins. They're not cute.

Simon Camden:
Well, of course they're not cute! Compared to you, who is?

Ruthie:
I'm not buying it. Get away from me.

Simon Camden:
Come on. If you come back in the house with me, I'll give you a cookie. Two cookies. Cookies and ice cream!... money? Cold, hard cash?

Ruthie:
I liked you better when you ignored me.

Simon Camden:
[about the twins' crying] You know, they could have colic. Results in constant, uncontrollable crying. It's enough to make any parent feel like a failure.

Annie Camden:
[whispers to Eric] Make him leave.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Simon] Colic doesn't generally come until after the first month, and before you go around making any more observations, why don't you take care of your sister and your dog like we asked you to, because one of them ran away and one of them peed on the kitchen floor.

Simon Camden:
Fine. But it takes a village, my friend!

Matt Camden:
[to Ruthie] Don't make me get Mom and Dad.

Ruthie:
Ha! You couldn't get Mom and Dad away from the "Children of the Corn" if you tried!

Rev. Eric Camden:
Two new babies and we still get to torture the other five. I told you this was gonna be fun.

Matt Camden:
[to Ruthie] You, get out. I have burgers to deliver.

Ruthie:
I love riding in a car full of hamburgers and french fries. I had a dream I did it once and I woke up really happy.

Matt Camden:
[to Eric] Hang in there, it's only what? Six months?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Yes, son, and while I try to balance the demands of the church with those of my pregnant wife, you'll be right here sharing the misery and joy with your dear old dad.

Matt Camden:
Not if I can help it. I'm going to check out housing today, just in case they had a cancellation. I saved my money this summer.

Rev. Eric Camden:
I thought you were going to get a car with your money.

Matt Camden:
Well, the way I see it, a car gets me away form the house during the day, where as a room on campus gets me away day and night. Yes, I'm still close by if I ever want to visit. Or eat. Or do laundry.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Or borrow the car?

Matt Camden:
Yeah.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, we only have two cars in this family and Mary, God help us, is going to be driving in a matter of weeks.

Matt Camden:
That still leaves one car.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Yes, it leaves my car.

Matt Camden:
You saw the pants, Dad. You're not going anywhere.

Annie Camden:
How is that I'm the one who has to watch every single morsel of food that I put into my mouth, and yet those crumbs turn into pounds and more pounds and more pounds, despite the fact that I've already puked most of what I've eaten the day before by the time I get out of bed the next morning?

Ruthie Camden:
Yeah, we're fat and we're sick.

Annie Camden:
And tired you know I'm really, really tired. It's not like having a baby at twenty or thirty, I'm...

Ruthie Camden:
Old.

Annie Camden:
And I've got six months to go. Six more months. Six months of tryinig to wear clothes that make me look...

Rev. Eric Camden:
Like you're having a baby. Our baby.

Ruthie Camden:
Yeah, our big fat baby.

Annie Camden:
Yeah, she's right. You know that I was seven months pregnant with Matt before I was in maternity clothes. And now, at three months look at me, I'm fat. I'm old. I'm tired. And I'm fat.

Ruthie Camden:
Yeah, I can't get in nothing of mine, neither.

Rev. Eric Camden:
You can't get into anything, Ruthie, you don't fit into your clothes because you're getting bigger and that's because you're getting older.

Ruthie Camden:
Yeah, just like Mommy.

Simon Camden:
[to Ruthie] Just in case what isn't better?

Ruthie Camden:
My morning sickness.

Simon Camden:
Oh, give it up already.

Ruthie Camden:
MOMMY!

Rev. Eric Camden:
Simon, be nicer to your sister. This isn't easy on her and she's just a little girl.

Simon Camden:
You say it like it's a weakness or something.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Annie] It's going to be okay.

Annie Camden:
It's not gonna be okay! It's only gonna get worse. I'm only gonna get fatter, and older, and tireder, and fatter! Then, when I'm at my oldest and tiredest and fattest, then I have to give birth to my fattest baby ever, probably with the world record head!

Ruthie Camden:
Yeah. If you ask me, the only thing you daddies have to do to make a baby is the fun part.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Ruthie] You know, maybe your tummy will be feeling better by lunchtime. Mommy's always is.

Ruthie Camden:
Give me an extra paper bag, just in case it isn't.

Simon Camden:
Just in case what isn't?

Ruthie Camden:
My morning sickness.

Simon Camden:
Oh, give it up! You're not sick, you're not tired, and you're not fat. You're just trying to get attention.

Ruthie Camden:
MOMMY! [runs upstairs]

Simon Camden:
[to Eric] Yeah. Whenever they're hurt, they run to Mommy, even when Dad is standing right there.

Annie Camden:
Ah, ah, you can run, but you can't hide.

Lucy Camden:
I'll take hiding for now. But you know Mom, technically aside from making out, I really didn't do anything wrong.

Annie Camden:
Oh, well this may sound harsh to you... to start with, you're on house probation for 3 months. Now if you an stay out of trouble for that long, I might consider letting you out the house before you turn 21. But if you so much as cross the line once... I'm going to have you low jacked, got it? Good!

[after meeting the Colonel and Grandma Ruth]

Jimmy Moon:
Why didn't you warn me? I wasn't properly warned.

Lucy Camden:
I did warn you! Matt and Mary even showed you!

Jimmy Moon:
You're right. I fell victim to my own arrogance.

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
You call that a plan? That's the most Harebrained scheme I've ever heard!

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, gee, I thought it was pretty creative.

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
Am I the only one in this room that thinks this idea is ridiculous?

Annie Camden:
I... I kinda like it.

Julie Camden:
I think it'll solve everything.

Ruth Camden:
I'm all for it. I'm thrilled!

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
You're thrilled? We adopted George. We are not adopting his father!

Det. Will Grayson:
Well, who asked you to? I'm not nuts about this idea either! I don't want to be anywhere near this blowhard!

John 'The Colonel' Camden:
Mister! Mickey Mouse called me that once, and I fed him his three-fingered glove!

Det. Will Grayson:
Huh?

Simon Camden:
Excuse me.

Johnny Morton:
Oh, hey, little buddy. Am I in your way?

Simon Camden:
It's not buddy. It's Simon Camden. You're Johnny, I presume?

Johnny Morton:
So you've heard of me. That's good. Have you also heard that this is my girlfriend Deena?

Simon Camden:
I believe that's was your girlfriend. Deena was your girlfriend. She's my girlfriend now.

Johnny Morton:
Yeah, we'll see about that, buddy.

Mr. Morton:
I have a license for that gun!

Reverend Eric Camden:
I don't care if you have a license for that gun. License or no license, you seem to be in complete denial that something could go terribly wrong here.

Mr. Morton:
I know my son, okay? I know he would never shoot anyone!

Sgt. Michaels:
Just the same, until this situation is resolved, you might want to take the gun out of your house.

Reverend Eric Camden:
That gun is for our protection

Sgt. Michaels:
Did you know that people who own guns are 33 times more likely to kill themselves, a family member or an acquaintance than to be killed by an armed intruder?

Sgt. Michaels:
[to Eric] I talked to the folks in juvenile. Johnny has a record. And just as you thought the family has a gun, a registered .38 special.

Mr. Morton:
I was wrong. And I just wanted to apologize for what happened, and not listening to you when you told me my son was in trouble. If I had, this wouldn't have happened. I just thank God he didn't kill anybody.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Amen.

Reverend Eric Camden:
I-I just have to ask you, has Johnny ever been in trouble?

Mr. Morton:
I think this conversations gone far enough.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Do you own a gun? [Mr. Morton sighs] Oh, I thought so.

Mr. Morton:
Did you know that guns don't kill people, people kill people!

Reverend Eric Camden:
People with guns kill people! No, is it too much ask that this man to admit that his son has problem, and take some action!

Johnny Morton:
Listen, Mighty Mouse, stay out of this, or I'm going to take you out of it!

Simon Camden:
Take me out of it?

Johnny Morton:
[makes a gun with his fingers] Get it?

Simon Camden:
You're gonna shoot me?

Johnny Morton:
Yeah, maybe. All of a sudden you'll turn around and see a .38 Special pointed right at you.

Johnny Morton:
[chuckles]

Johnny Morton:
Yeah, I just might do that. You'll have to look over your shoulder everywhere you go.

Vice Principal Blackstone:
I have to follow procedure. I have to call in the parents, have a meeting with them, send the kid to a counselor. They have to recommend that he see a therapist or I have to risk losing my 10 year retirement, and that may not sound much, but I have a family too.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Okay, well what about tomorrow? What happens if he comes to school with a gun tomorrow?

Vice Principal Blackstone:
I agree that Simon and Deena should stay home from school until I get some answers.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Well, thanks for your help.

Simon Camden:
This is all my fault. I shouldn't have said anything.

Lucy Camden Kinkirk:
It's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. If you hadn't said anything, something worse could have happened. He could have shown up at school with that gun! Johnny's a kid with a bad temper. A bad temper and a gun. That's a really bad combination.

Lucy Camden Kinkirk:
[after Eric is shot] I just wish somebody would have told me what was going on.

Simon Camden:
Mom and Dad were hoping they wouldn't have to scare the rest of the family. Besides, what would you have done anyway?

Ruthie Camden:
Well, for one thing, I wouldn't have been running around yelling "Ba-Boom!"

Annie Jackson-Camden:
[in response to Ruthie playing a game where people step on land mines] Ruthie, did you know that there are real people who step on real land mines? They lose arms and legs. And some even die.

Ruthie Camden:
Yeah, but this isn't real life. It's just a game. A video game.

Reverend Eric Camden:
[to Ruthie] Let me try to explain to you why your mom and I are so upset by this whole "Ba-Boom!" thing.

Ruthie Camden:
After that, then can I get the video game?

Reverend Eric Camden:
Listen when you first see someone shot or blown up on TV, it has to be at least a little scary. But then if you keep watching it day after day, week after week, year after year, it starts to grow less scary, less a big deal, and even gets to seem like... nothing. But it is something. It's the biggest something. It's someone taking someone else's life.

Mary Camden:
[to George] I'm not kidding, you're hurting me, let go!

George:
Only if you say please.

Mary Camden:
[elbows him and knocks him to the ground] I don't have to say please! I don't know what kind of girls you're used to going out with, but I don't find physical violence appropriate for a date!

George:
And yet, you're hurting my hand.

Mary Camden:
[lets go George's hand] You have a problem. Deal with it.

Reverend Eric Camden:
[to Simon] Are you in some kind of trouble?

Simon Camden:
I'm not sure about that either. See, the thing is, is that he's probably trying to scare me. But Deena's boyfriend said that he was going to shoot me.

Jimmy Moon:
If the machine's on it's because I'm watching the Twilight Zone marathon.

Simon Camden:
If you ever do anything to hurt Ruthie... ever... I'm gonna find out about it. I know where you live.

Peter Petrowski:
Okay.

Lucy:
Oh, hey, um... what's your hurry? I want you to meet someone.

Simon:
[to Christine] Hi, sorry, I have to kill someone.

Lucy:
Wait. Simon, this is Christine, she's a friend of mine from school, she's going to be staying with us for a couple nights.

Simon:
[to Christine] It's nice to meet you, I still have to kill someone.

Morris:
[about Jewish holidays] What about the one when you put on the costumes and the masks?

Matt:
That's Halloween.

Ruthie:
What is it with this circumcision thing?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Rosina, this dish... is sensational. What do you call it?

Rosina Glass:
Peas.

Peter Petrowski:
Everyone thinks Chandler and Roxanne should get married, or he should break up with that hussy.

Mary Camden:
[to Eric as he feeds the twins] Where's Mom?

Rev. Eric Camden:
I am perfectly capable of feeding my own sons. I do it all the time! I have fed my children for over 21 years now. True, for many of them, your mom cooked most of those meals while I was out earning the money to pay for those meals, but from time to time, I have fed one of my offspring, or all of my offspring, just as I am doing now, without the aid of Mom!

Mary Camden:
I'm just looking for Mom because she asked me to pick up some soap for her.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Oh. She's upstairs.

Annie Camden:
[to Ruthie after she saw Annie and Eric having sex] Ruthie, it really isn't funny.

Ruthie Camden:
Oh, it's plenty funny! I always thought it was so serious, because you always have this serious face when you talk about sex, but trust me, it was funny!

Annie Camden:
It's also very... private, and very intimate, and even though it's perfectly natural for a man and a woman - a married man and a married: woman - to... make love, it's not something that's meant for anyone else to watch.

Ruthie Camden:
I didn't mean to, and believe me, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I never see anything like that again!

Mary Camden:
Dad, please. They really are my friends, Frankie is my friend! She asked me to bring over those college brochures tonight so we could look over them, and make a plan to go back to school.

Rev. Eric Camden:
And did you?

Mary Camden:
No.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Because she was too stoned? Mary... who are you and what are you doing with these people?

Mary Camden:
[to Eric] If you're not going to help them, I'll help them.

Rev. Eric Camden:
How? You don't have a job, you don't have any money. You have to help yourself before you can help anyone else!

Frankie:
It just seems so unfair. You make one little mistake, you know?

Mary Camden:
Yeah, I know. I made a big mistake once, too. I got arrested last year for trashing the school gym.

Frankie:
[laughs] Arrested? You?

Mary Camden:
Yeah. I'm still on probation.

Frankie:
Oh, so that's why you don't drink or smoke or anything.

Mary Camden:
Yeah, kind of... but also because I feel so out of control, anyway - like I couldn't get my life back on track even if I wanted to. Not that I want to - I mean, it's not so bad, but it's just...

Frankie:
Existing. Just existing. I know what you mean. Every time I make an effort to do something, it just feels like there's so much resistance... and I give up before I even start trying.

Mary Camden:
Maybe we could help each other. Maybe we could make an effort together. Maybe we could go to college and see if anything changes. I brought the brochures, do you want to look at them?

Frankie:
No, not right now, I'm too out of it. Maybe some other time.

Mary Camden:
[disappointed] Yeah. Maybe some other time. [stands up]

Frankie:
No, don't say it like that. Don't give up on me. I need a friend.

Mary Camden:
Well, I need a friend too.

Frankie:
[on the phone with Mary] Hey, what if you and I both decided to sign up for college together next semester?

Johnny:
[smirking in the background] Be sure to apply for that scholarship!

Mary Camden:
Are you serious?

Frankie:
Sure, I'm serious. I don't know what I want to do, either, but I know I don't want to wait tables for the rest of my life.

Lucy Camden:
[to Ruthie] I want to read what's in that diary.

Ruthie Camden:
And I want to win a million bucks. Not gonna happen.

Ruthie Camden:
I have no life. On the other hand, everyone else in this house does!

Frankie:
[to Johnny] Why do you always have to act like this when somebody comes over?

Johnny:
I don't act like this whenever someone comes over, I act like this all the time.

Frankie:
Right. You do act like this all the time. So when are you going to grow up?

Johnny:
Get off my case, will you?

Frankie:
You could at least help me out a little around here. It's not like I ask you to do that much.

Johnny:
You don't ask me to do that much? You asked me to marry you, didn't you?

Matt Camden:
[to Annie] So Ruthie caught you and Dad... um, you know?

Annie Camden:
Yes. Okay? Yes!

Matt Camden:
I should have seen that one coming.

Annie Camden:
No, you shouldn't have, it's never happened before!

Matt Camden:
Yes, it has. Um... we've all seen you. I've seen you, Mary's seen you, Lucy's seen you, even Simon has seen you. Did you do that thing where you said you were gonna check on one of the kids and then Dad said he's gonna go check on you? That usually signals the red flag and we all steer clear, but Ruthie just didn't know the signal!

Annie Camden:
Well, how did the rest of you know the signal?

Matt Camden:
It's kind of an obvious signal.

Annie Camden:
No it isn't!

Matt Camden:
Yes it is.

Annie Camden:
Go to bed.

Matt Camden:
I don't live here.

Annie Camden:
Go to bed, anyway.

Simon Camden:
[teasingly] You know, you're never too old or too smart to do what your mother says.

Mary Camden:
[to Frankie] Is that... Is that pot?

Frankie:
Yeah. I just need it to loosen up. This whole mother and wife gig really sucks.

Frankie:
[about Johnny] He's not such a bad guy, you know. He wanted to go to college, too, major in English Lit, and be a writer.

Mary Camden:
Hey, we all still have plenty of time to be whatever it is we want to be, right?

Frankie:
Right. [baby starts crying from her crib] Whatever I'm going to be doesn't change who I already am: a mom.

Mary Camden:
[about Frankie and Johnny] They are good people. They're both working, and they're trying to raise this kid, and it's really hard.

Rev. Eric Camden:
So hard that they have to smoke pot.

Lucy:
Mom, is this what married life is all about? Years of laundry and cooking and aggravation and then you die?

Annie:
No, sometimes there's ironing.

Eric:
Chandler, it seems, has taken to fatherhood like a duck takes to... hockey.

Ruthie:
Peter, I'm hungry, I'm really hungry.

Peter:
We don't have any more money.

Ruthie:
I know, five wrong buses will do that.

[Peter takes something out of his pocket]

Peter:
Here - it's a raisin. I think. I was kind of saving it... But you can have it.

[Peter discovers Ruthie doesn't want it, shrugs his shoulders and eats it himself]

Ruthie:
I may never walk again.

Peter:
And all we had to eat were two hot dogs.

Ruthie:
And he had a raisin.

Sam:
I don't like stew.

David:
It sounds like "poo".

Annie:
Don't try to give this to Happy 'cause she doesn't like people food.

David:
Neither do I.

Mary:
Don't break my heart.

Robbie:
Don't break my jaw.

Mary:
Don't break my heart and I'll have no reason to break your jaw.

[Deena is going to move away]

Eric:
Well, don't you think her parents will miss her?

Simon:
I just asked you to adopt my girlfriend. I'm desperate!

Ms. Rusnak:
Do you have a boyfriend?

Ruthie Camden:
No.

Ms. Rusnak:
Ever been in love?

Ruthie Camden:
Not really.

Ms. Rusnak:
I don't recommend it.

Ruthie Camden:
What do you usually do for Valentine's Day?

Ms. Rusnak:
I sit in the dark and cry.

Kevin Kinkirk:
Hi. Kinkirk, party of ten.

Woman:
Tell him. [Points in host's direction]

Kevin Kinkirk:
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you you were the hostess.

Woman:
You're an idiot.

Chandler:
Don't call me a tyrant!

Chandler:
When you call me Napoleon it hurts my feelings!

Martin:
[Talking to Ruthie about Vincent] Have you noticed how big his head is? I mean, it's not normal.

Kevin:
You really wanna live behind your parents in a run-down house?

Lucy:
Absolutely!

Kevin:
Okay.

David Camden:
What's up Kevin?

Sam Camden:
Hey man.

Mary Camden:
Remember when you just met Robbie? You didn't like him either, and now he's living in your house and you treat him like he's your son.

Rev. Eric Camden:
That could be a problem with this guy since he's too old to be my son.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[Yelling at Mary] I hope that every time you even think of kissing him you think about kissing your father!

Annie Camden:
Normal is way overrated.

Kevin Kinkirk:
You always had to have steak when you were pregnant with Savannah. We're having a baby.

Rev. Lucy Kinkirk:
Listen to me... If every woman who wanted a steak was pregnant, they'd sell maternity wear at Sizzler's.

Annie Camden:
Taste this ice cream. I mean, think of all the beautiful cows who were grazing in the meadow and then just walked into the barn to get milked.

Ruthie Camden:
And think of the beef cows who wind up in the slaughterhouse being put down by a stun gun.

Rev. Lucy Kinkirk:
Can you belive this wait? It's like they should give out numbers, you know, like a bakery. Well, I guess it's like a bakery, you know, in the "bun in the oven" sense. That's what my grandma would say: "A bun in the oven". I wish I had a bun, I'm starving.

[Knitting]

Jenny Jackson:
This started out to be a sweater for your grandpa, but too much work you know, so I think it maybe'll be an afghan for a gerbil.

Matt Camden:
Renee named her baby after grandma.

Simon Camden:
She named her baby Grandma?

Simon:
Hey, where's Grandpa?

Eric:
I'm sorry Simon, but... he's gone.

Simon:
Wow, him too?

Ruthie Camden:
[as Annie catches Simon drinking coffee] I'm not drinking coffee, I just stole it for him.

Simon Camden:
[to Ruthie] Thanks a lot.

Annie Camden:
Simon! [grabs the phone from Lucy] Goodbye Jordan.

Lucy Camden:
I had to call him to tell him I couldn't call him.

Annie Camden:
[to Ruthie about her gum] Come on, spit it out. [to Simon] You, no coffee. [to Ruthie] You, no gum. [to Lucy] And you, no phone. Got it? Good.

Annie Camden:
[to Ruthie] Spit it out.

Ruthie Camden:
How did you know?

Annie Camden:
I have eyes in the back of my head.

Ruthie Camden:
If that were really true, I'd bring you in to Show 'N' Tell.

Annie Camden:
Lucy, wait. I got the phone bill today.

Lucy Camden:
Congratulations.

Annie Camden:
Your phone usage is completely out of control.

Lucy Camden:
Define "out of control."

Lucy Camden:
[to Annie] How did you learn to be so cruel?

Annie Camden:
It's in the "Mommy Manual" between crafts and cuddling.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Matt] What are you doing with this stuff?

Matt Camden:
A friend at school gave gave 'em to me. Their just natural energy boosters made from herbs or something.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Not everything that is natural is good for you. Cocaine is extracted from the cope of plant. Heroin and Morphine come from natural plants and extracts. Natural doesn't always mean good!

Matt Camden:
Dad, calm down, okay. Check the bottle, it's sealed I didn't take any. I was just looking for a way to keep awake so I could keep studying.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Oh, you'll stay awake because the main ingredient in these pills is Ephedrine which is just a chemical process away from from being Methaphetamine.

Matt Camden:
Wait, I don't get it, I mean the guy who gave these pills bought them from a health-food store. I mean if this stuff is so dangerous, then why is it not illegal?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Because Ephedrine is classified as a food, not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be. Ephedrine-based supplements are illegal in 13 states. You know that it took to make them illegal? People died. [Mary enters the room] What's wrong?

Mary Camden:
I took those pills.

Rev. Eric Camden:
You took these pills?

Mary Camden:
No, I didn't get the pills from Matt, I got them from Diane who gets them from her father. I thought everyone was taking them.

Rev. Eric Camden:
I think I better talk to Diane's father. Throw them out.

Matt Camden:
Gladly.

Ellen Jackson:
I hear that men of the cloth are really hot.

Matt:
I'm not attracted to this girl.

Eric:
Right...

Lucy:
Why not?

Matt:
There's no reason why, I'm just not.

Simon:
I don't believe you.

Matt:
I'm not attracted to every woman I see.

Simon:
Yes you are.

Ruthie Camden:
Simon sat on Hoowie and squshed him, he's gone forever!

Rev. Eric Camden:
Matt, you're seventeen, and she's... I don't know what she is.

Annie:
[to her former college roommate, who has made a pass at Matt and then claimed it was vice-versa] If you need a man so badly, then be the kind of woman a man needs. Because if a man your age made a pass at Mary, I'd have him arrested.

Sam:
What is that?

Rose:
It's a mini fridge. It's for our office which is gonna be on the second floor of the condo we're renting. The kitchen's on the first floor, so we thought it would be nice if we didn't have to go downstairs everytime we wanted a cold drink.

David:
That's what we have to do.

Sam:
Yeah, it's a pain.

Kevin:
You're seven.

David:
It's still a pain.

Ruthie Camden:
It's old news, really. Very old news. I mean, it probably doesn't even matter anymore. Remember when Matt took Sarah on their first date, and they stayed out all night, and came home with that lame cover story about how they stayed up all night talking and decided to get married?

Annie Camden:
Yeah.

Ruthie Camden:
They were already married. They got married on their first date.

Rev. Lucy Kinkirk:
And they told you?

Ruthie Camden:
[to Annie] I can keep a secret. I've kept Matt's secret for years. [realizes what she said and runs out of the room]

Rose:
I remember the first time about a girl getting kissed by a boy. He had a peppermint in his mouth and the kiss was sticky. It made me not wanna kiss a boy for years.

Annie Camden:
I bet your mom gave you the book "A Kiss in the Library." I gave that book to Mary, Lucy, and Ruthie, but unfortunately, it had the opposite effect.

Jimmy Moon:
I thought you could find something you don't like about me and use it as a reason to keep Lucy from seeing me.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Oh, so she could be mad at me instead of being mad at you?

Jimmy Moon:
An unintentional but admittedly fortunate biproduct.

Annie:
The Colonel would throw himself in front of a moving car for you.

Lucy:
The Colonel would throw himself in front of a moving car for fun.

Coach Jason Cleary:
I understand that some of this has to do with "senioritus". I don't care. You were told in no uncertain terms that your studies were the priority and your grades had to show immediate improvement. Unfortunately, these reports show that they haven't. Now, I don't know if you didn't have an understanding of just how serious I was, or if you didn't have time to study. But now, you have both. [locks the gym doors]

Elaine:
Practice is cancelled?

Coach Jason Cleary:
You are students here who play basketball. You're not basketball players who show up to classes whenever the mood strikes. Until you proven that you understand that by bringing your grades up, this season and this team are cancelled!

Mary Camden:
You can't do that!

Mary Camden:
This can't happen. This is my senior year and I have a scholarship to play basketball. I mean, somebody has to do something.

Simon Camden:
Why did he lock you guys out?

Matt Camden:
Mom had two babies, Dad just had a heart attack, and now this? They have enough going on without having to worry about without the stuff. You're supposed to be the oldest. How can Mom and Dad trust that you can keep an eye on everyone else when you can't keep an eye on yourself?

Mary Camden:
Oh, boy. One more lecture on how it is to be the oldest. How many times do I have to hear this stuff from you?

Matt Camden:
Until you get it right.

Mary Camden:
Go away! And take your lemony-scented self with you.

Simon Camden:
It's not like I hurt anyone.

Annie Camden:
I don't care. It's an incredible rude and vulgar gesture that should never be shown in public or anywhere else for that matter. You're lucky you still have those fingers!

Simon Camden:
My friends and I do that kind of things to each other all the time, and no one cares. It's... It's a guy thing.

Annie Camden:
It is not a guy thing.

Simon Camden:
How would you know?

Rev. Eric Camden:
You know, I'll admit that there was an unfortunate element of bad timing at work. On the other hand you know, your mom and I aren't fans of that particular gesture. I's disrespectful. It's rude and obscene.

Simon Camden:
But I was just hanging out. Being one of the guys.

Rev. Eric Camden:
I get it. I really do. There's something great about hanging out with just the guys you know, as long as being one of the guys doesn't mean being swayed by the guys. 'Cause for some reason a lot of guys do really stupid things when they're with the other guys, you know? Things that they wouldn't even think of doing if they were alone. And I just don't want you to lose your great ability to think and make decisions for yourself.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Did you guys know what would happen if you didn't get your grades up?

Mary Camden:
[reluctantly] Yeah.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Well, then, for now, I support this lockout.

Mary Camden:
What?

Annie Camden:
I'm sorry, kiddo, but your coach didn't screw up. You did.

Annie Camden:
We love our kids. We work really hard at trying to be good parents who see the right examples, but there comes a point in life where you have to throw them out into the world and pray.

Rev. Eric Camden:
What about Mary?

Annie Camden:
Maybe we pushed her too far. Mary's a good kid.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Who's side are you on?

Annie Camden:
Ruthie's.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Traitor.

Annie:
The twins need a bath, Happy needs a bath, I need a bath.

Lucy:
What does that have to do with Sunday?

Annie:
Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

David Camden:
Lucy is a good preacher.

Sam Camden:
I want my Sundays.

Mary:
I think I've forgot everything I learned in school.

Lucy:
That's what PBS is for.

Mary:
Who's that?

Matt:
Yeah, I think you better take a seat now, Mr Muslim Hater.

Daniel:
What did you say?

Patient:
He called you a muslim hater.

Kevin Kinkirk:
I bought these walnuts at the store, do you think I can convince Lucy that they're really big acorns?

Mrs. Mosely:
Amen!

Simon Camden:
Amen!

Bobby:
[to Simon] N*gger lover!

[about Savannah]

Lucy:
I just put her down.

Kevin:
She looks like a mummy.

Rev. Camden:
Teenagers shouldn't have sex, sex is for married couples.

Vincent:
Okay, so... what if Ruthie doesn't get married in her twenties or her thirties and she's in her mid forties, on her own, earning her own money, living in her own house, and she's madly in love with this great guy who has a fear of commitment?

Rev. Camden:
Don't care if she's eighty, the answer is still no.

Vincent:
This is why I don't wanna go to church.

Ruthie Camden:
I have to go. Sam is trying to put David in the dryer.

Simon:
She's going to be the hardest to leave and the hardest to hang on to because she's Ruthie and she's 13 and she's got a boyfriend. And while she understands that I want to leave the rest of the family, she doesn't understand how I can leave her but I don't think she'll hold it against me, she won't have the time to hold it against me. She's emerging from childhood to adulthood full speed ahead with thoughtful intelligence, a great sense of humor, and a high self esteem. I'd like to think I had something to do with how great she's turned out so far and I hope to remain a positive influence in her life, but here's the thing - I know she feels my pain, we're that close. And as hard as it is, I really do think it's best to put a little distance between us right now because I would never forgive myself if I put any rain on Ruthie's parade, and truthfully I know she will be just fine without me.

Matt Camden:
Why can't Robbie move out? I mean, he has a job, he makes good money. It's not like he can't get another place to live, I'll help him get another place to live.

Simon Camden:
He doesn't want another place to live. He likes it just fine where he is, in Hello Kitty-ville.

Matt Camden:
But this is our house, our family, Robbie has a family of his own.

Simon Camden:
I know, Lucy made out with half of them.

[Eric and Annie makes out as Simon enters]

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Simon] You know, it's polite to knock.

Simon Camden:
If you're gonna make out on top of the desk it's polite to lock the door.

Matt:
What's wrong?

Annie:
Nothing. My own children won't call me Mama.

Matt:
Mama.

Annie:
[pushes him]

Simon:
Think about me and Rose. What's the first song that comes to mind?

Ruthie:
"Let's Call The Whole Thing Off".

Eric:
[to Ruthie] Careful, you don't want to break Lucy's crying record.

Ruthie:
Rose can sing.

Eric:
It's a grand day.

Kevin Kinkirk:
I'm going to give them money for a hotel for a week, and you're going to get them in a more permanent place.

Lucy Camden:
I love you.

Kevin Kinkirk:
I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing this so I can relax, and I can't relax until you relax, and you won't relax unless they get settled. Then, I can relax. See what a selfish jerk I am?

[Mr. Feinstein is playing a Gershwin song on the piano]

Hiphop Fan:
Ey yo, come on man! This is only supposed to be detention, not torture!

Meredith:
Oh my god, that cheap hoochie mama!

Simon:
The Tooth Fairy doesn't hex. The Tooth Fairy grants wishes - good wishes.

Ruthie:
The Tooth Fairy is branching out.

Julie Camden Hastings:
Are you asking what I think you're asking?

Dr. Hank Hastings:
I'd get down on one knee, but I'm old.

David:
I'm a cookie monster.

Lucy:
Hi Mr Suggs, I baked you some cookies!

Mr. Suggs:
I have diabetes!

T-Bone:
[to Lucy] I'd gladly be your Ashton if you'd be my Demi.

Annie:
[outside the bathroom door] What are you doing in there?

Ruthie:
[in the bathroom] I'm taking a bath.

Annie:
Again? You already took one today.

Ruthie:
I got dirty again.

Annie:
There are seven people in this house, one bath a day is all you're allowed.

Ruthie:
I thought cleanliness was next to godliness

Annie:
Yes, but that only matters if you and God are going to be sitting on a crowded bus together.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[knocking on Matt's door]

Matt Camden:
Who is it?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Pants.

Matt Camden:
Pants who?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Pants daddy.

Chandler Hampton:
And as you get to know each other, your love will grow stronger... Stronger than French fries.

Lilly:
I think we have to talk.

Annie:
Okey.

Lilly:
What's going on?

Annie:
Well, I'm doing laundry.

Martin Brewer:
Cecilia was helping me with my tie.

Simon Camden:
There's a horse sticking its head in our kitchen window, isn't there?

Simon:
Great. Now everyone will know me as the Virgin Camden. Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot. [Bangs head on table]

Lucy:
Are you sure you know where your candidate stands on the issues that are important to you?

Kevin:
I don't care, I just think he's cute.

[during fight]

Ben Kinkirk:
He started it!

Chandler Hampton:
What are you 12?

Bobby:
Simon and Gabrielle sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Simon Camden:
I never kissed her!

Bobby:
Maybe it's because you have corn breath!

Annie:
If you do something wrong, you should always tell me, because sooner or later I'm gonna find out anyway.

David:
I ate some soap.

Sam:
Me too. It didn't taste good.

Sam:
We have on two underwear.

Annie:
Why?

David:
We forgot to take off last night's underwear.

Sam:
And we put on new underwear this morning.

Simon Camden:
[to the guys huffing in the hall] Hey, you guys are going to get a huge headache if you do that.

Pete Lawrence:
It's called huffing. It makes you you feel like you're walking on clouds, right? Wanna try it... or are you too PURE? Didn't think so.

Mitch:
Hey, Camden, you say a word to anyone, and your life will be hell.

Shana Sullivan:
[to Matt] I've been accepted to NYU for pre-med and classes start in January.

Matt Camden:
NYU as in New York?... I don't know what hurts more, that you're going away, or that you told my dad before you told me.

Shana Sullivan:
Come on. Can't we talk about this?

Matt Camden:
I think it's too late for that.

Pete Lawrence:
Spray paint makes it faster and it's a lot of fun.

Simon Camden:
How do you breathe around that stuff?

Pete Lawrence:
Oh, you'll get used to it, actually, you'll probably start to like it after a while.

Simon Camden:
Where are the guys?

Pete Lawrence:
Oh, uh... they decided to catch a breather.

Simon Camden:
We could use a breather, too. [Pete laughs] What?

Pete Lawrence:
You're too PURE to understand.

Lucy Camden Kinkirk:
[to Mary] You met a guy at your community service program, didn't you?

Mary Camden:
Yes, I knew you wanted to know.

Lucy Camden Kinkirk:
No. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know anything.

Mary Camden:
He's gorgeous and his name is Robbie.

Lucy Camden Kinkirk:
Great. Now I know his name.

Reverend Eric Camden:
[to Mary] Hey, do you wanna tell me anything?

Mary Camden:
Not really.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Sometimes when someone leaves out information that absence could be considered a lie by omission.

Mary Camden:
Am I that someone?

Reverend Eric Camden:
I thought we agreed that you couldn't see anyone while you were on restriction.

Mary Camden:
I'm not seeing anyone. But in the interest of not lying by omission there's a guy who's also doing community service that I talk to. But he is just a guy. And doing community service together can hardly be considered seeing anyone. And, besides, why does punishment always have to be a bad thing?

Reverend Eric Camden:
Well... because it's punishment... does this guy have a name?

Mary Camden:
Yes, he has a wonderful name. Robbie Palmer. Now I have to go or I'll be late.

Mrs. Jasper:
Pete Lawrence collapsed on his way into school. His nose was bleeding and he was having trouble breathing.

Simon Camden:
I didn't know it was serious or at least this serious. I thought it can only make your nose bleed.

Reverend Eric Camden:
A bloody nose is the least of it. Huffing causes liver damage and kidney failure. Heart failure.

Simon Camden:
Can you die from it?

Reverend Eric Camden:
Kids do every year.

Mrs. Lawrence:
The spray paint Pete used came from your garage. Pete said Simon brought it to school. [Simon shakes his head, "no."] You just stay away from my son. You've done enough damage.

Simon Camden:
I've never heard of huffing before. Why would anyone find that fun?

Annie Jackson-Camden:
I don't know.

Mary Camden:
Robbie got transferred.

Reverend Eric Camden:
We know.

Mary Camden:
Why'd you do it?

Reverend Eric Camden:
We think your community service shouldn't be anything but community service.

Annie Jackson-Camden:
It's not something you're doing for yourself, it's something you're doing for the community as a payback... when the first phase of your service is complete and if you get a satisfactory review, then we'll see about Robbie coming over so we can get to know him better and you can get to know him better.

Mary Camden:
Then I guess I'm really grateful.

Reverend Eric Camden:
[to Simon] I talked to Mrs. Jasper. Pete told his mom about the other guys and the huffing. Principals' is meeting with the boys and their parents tomorrow... Pete promised to call each of the guys and explain why he ratted them out. No one is going to think it was you.

Simon Camden:
I don't care if they do.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Good for you.

Simon Camden:
How's Pete?

Reverend Eric Camden:
The doctor said there wasn't any permanent damage, but when he's better he'll have to go though a detox program to get the chemicals out of his system. And I recommended that he and his parents meet with a family counselor.

Mary Camden:
I'm not seeing anyone, but in the interest of not lying by omission, there's a guy who's also doing community service that I talk to, but he's just a guy. And doing community service together can hardly be considered seeing someone.

Reverend Eric Camden:
Yeah.

Mary Camden:
And besides, why does punishment always have to be a bad thing?

Reverend Eric Camden:
Um... because it's punishment.

Pete Lawrence:
[to Simon when he visits him in the hospital] Just go away.

Simon Camden:
I can't.

Pete Lawrence:
Why?

Simon Camden:
Because your mom thinks I did this to you.

Pete Lawrence:
Yeah. I let her think that.

Simon Camden:
I know. And it's okay. You must have been scared, and you had to tell your mom something. When you're feeling better, you can tell her the truth.

Pete Lawrence:
If I do, I'll get all my friends in trouble.

Simon Camden:
And that's better than getting one innocent guy in trouble. Look, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't mind taking the wrap for a friend, but you and your buddies have to stop huffing, or eventually, they're gonna end up just like you, or maybe even worse.

Shana Sullivan:
Are we breaking up?

Matt Camden:
I don't want to break up with you.

Ruthie:
What are we talking about?

Martin:
That girl in school - Meredith. The one who's going to marry Harry.

Ruthie:
Oh, yeah. Is she coming to live here?

Annie:
No, I don't think so. But your dad is going to try to find her a home.

Eric:
I'm going to try to find her a home.

Annie:
That's what I said.

Mary Camden:
[to Corey] How did you hide this from everyone?

Corey Conway:
It wasn't easy. I couldn't have anyone over to my house. I couldn't go to parties or stay out late. Forget about dating. With taking care of a baby I barely had time to go to school or play basketball. When I think about it, I actually don't even know how I was able to finish high school. Most teen mothers don't. I do know that I couldn't have done it without my mom. She's been there for me every step of the way since... the day I told her I was pregnant.

Mary Camden:
Man, motherhood at fourteen.

Corey Conway:
You know what's harder than motherhood? Your friends talking and whispering behind you back.

Mary Camden:
Not everyone is talking about you.

Corey Conway:
Please, this spring I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude. I'm the top score on a championship basketball team and I've been accepted to 3 Ivy League Colleges. But now, thanks to Maggie, the only thing that everyone cares about is that at 14 I had a baby.

Elaine:
[to Mary] Did you hear the rumor? It's all over school.

Mary Camden:
I just saw you this morning. How could anything be all over school?

Elaine:
Well, what can I say the real juicy stuff has a life of its own. Corey Conway had a baby when she was fourteen.

Mary Camden:
Corey had a baby?

Elaine:
Yeah, Maggie the new girl, said that there was a Corey Conway who went to her junior high school, and that Corey got pregnant and dropped out of school and had a baby.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Lucy] Hey, how was the attendance office?

Lucy Camden:
It was fabulous, fun, fantastic.

Annie Camden:
Teenagers.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Yeah, if you don't like their mood, wait 10 minutes.

Corey Conway:
I had a baby when I was 14. Are you satisfied now?

Mary Camden:
I'd really like to thank the local businessman's association for this honor, but I can't. Excellence in sports and in life to individuals we have future generations see as role models. I've never thought of myself as a role model. I go to school and get good grades. I go to basketball games and score points. But a role model, I don't think so. But there was a real role model who was supposed to receive this award with me today. But at the last minute the committee changed their minds. You all know who I'm talking about, because for the last 24 hours most of you have done nothing but talk about her. She's my friend, my teammate. She's Corey Conway. And when she was 14, she had a baby. Corey Conway is a person, not an issue. And the only statement made by celebrating her achievements is to honor that someone who didn't take the easy road in life and did what few others could have done. Finish high school... With honors... While raising a baby. I want to let you know how I feel before I bring Corey out on stage and give her my award. Because even if she's not a role model for the local businessman's association or for some of the students ate this school, she is for me.

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Jeff] Look, I'm the minister at the Glenoak Community Church. And if there's a problem, I can help, I can...

Jeff Patterson:
No, thank you, but I think you should mind your own business.

Rev. Eric Camden:
When your son brought drugs into my house it became my business.

Ruthie Camden:
So, what kind of fun stuff do we have planned for tomorrow?

Annie Camden:
[to Eric] Teacher Work Day. No school for Ruthie.

Ruthie Camden:
Yes!

Annie Camden:
Okay, let's see. Tomorrow, you can help me clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, repair the kitchen sink, iron the socks, reorganize the linen closet, and go shopping.

Ruthie Camden:
Toy shopping?

Annie Camden:
Food shopping.

Ruthie Camden:
Man, this is gonna be worse than school!

Lucy Camden:
[to her parents] You have to help me. I don't want to work in the attendance office tomorrow!

Annie Camden:
Well, maybe you shouldn't have volunteered.

Lucy Camden:
But at the time I volunteered, I didn't realize I'd have to give up my study hall. I thought it was before school or something. I need my study hall!

Rev. Eric Camden:
To study?

Lucy Camden:
Yeah, sure. Plus, it's the only time I have before lunch to catch up with my friends and re-touch my makeup. [long pause, Eric and Annie are baffled] So you're not going to help me?

Mrs. Patterson:
[to George] I should have kicked you out. I should have told you that if you did drugs, you couldn't live with me, but I thought turning my back on my son made me a bad mother. But I was wrong. It made me a bad grandmother. Look, if you won't straighten up for me, do it for Lee. He's your son! You need to act like his father, and if you don't make me a promise, right that you will take the steps to clean up your life, then I will take custody of Lee, and you'll never see us again. And I don't want to do that. I just can't sit by and watch my grandson turn to drugs, the way my son did.

Rev. Eric Camden:
Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I think it's the hardest step, too.

Mrs. Patterson:
I'll be there for you every step of the way, and as long as you're clean and sober, you can live with me. But you've got to get a job. You've got to start contributing to the household.

Jeff Patterson:
I just... I don't know if I can do it.

Lee Patterson:
Dad, please. I already lost a mom. I don't want to lose you, too. I love you.

Ruthie Camden:
Mom, can I have $29.99? I just have to have these walkie talkies I saw on TV! Then I can call all my friends, and they can call me back, and it only costs $29.99!

Annie Camden:
But if you use the phone to call your friends and pretend the phone is a walkie-talkie, it'll cost less.

Ruthie Camden:
[rolls eyes] Parents!

Rev. Eric Camden:
[to Ruthie] So have you reconsidered my offer? 'cause if you really those walky talkies getting an allowance is the only way to go.

Ruthie Camden:
No, thank you. I don't need an allowance. I have a plan. And it's a lot easier than taking out the trash for the rest of my life.

Annie Camden:
She has a plan, should we be concerned?

Rev. Eric Camden:
Not concerned, afraid. Very afraid.

Dwight:
Hey, what do you say, wanna come to my birthday party?

Sam:
Not unless you pay me.

Dwight:
Sure, you got change for a quarter?

Simon:
Now "Mac", that's a real name. And it means "son of". We can name him "MacHappy". I like that.

Ruthie:
Well, I like "Bean Blossom".

Simon:
Bean Blossom? What does that mean?

Ruthie:
The blossom of a bean. Duh.

Dwight:
I think I'm in love with you, Lucy Camden.

Mary:
[to Lucy, about Simon] He called me BIGBUTT!

Matt Camden:
[Proudly announces] I'm gonna be... a gynecologist. [Walks out]

Annie Camden:
[to Eric] Well, he does love women.

Sandy:
Did you tell the twins there's no Santa? And no Jesus?

Rose:
What are you the Christmas police?

[the Camdens are performing the nativity scene]

Rose:
Look at them! Isn't it horrible?

Sandy:
Horrible? What is so horrible about that? I think it's wonderful.

Rose:
I just don't get it. Are they begging?

Rose:
[Discussing the nativity scene with Sandy] Come on... The wise men are real? What guy do you know would walk for days to go see a new born baby and take him a gift? Have you ever even seen a guy at a baby shower?

[the Camdens are performing the nativity scene]

Patient:
Look at them! Isn't it horrible?

Sandy:
Horrible? What is so horrible about that? I think it's wonderful.

Patient:
I just don't get it. Are they begging?

Patient:
[Discussing the nativity scene with Sandy] Come on... The wise men are real? What guy do you know would walk for days to go see a new born baby and take him a gift? Have you ever even seen a guy at a baby shower?