8 Heads in a Duffel Bag

Tommy Spinelli:
Alright, grab all the heads. Just leave the top one.

Ernie:
Why?

Tommy Spinelli:
Because the top one doesn't look like anybody and Big Sep will never buy it. Now come on.

Steve:
Wait a minute. I sawed off this head and you're not even gonna use it?

Ernie:
Steve, chill.

Steve:
No, you chill. I spent alot of time on this head. Don't you think you could have at least told me this before I cut it off? [Tommy slaps him in back of the head]

Ernie:
Ooh. I saw that coming.

Tommy Spinelli:
Don't ever f*** with a guy looking for heads.

Paramedic:
What? What are you... Don't kick it! For God's sake, those are live human organs!

Tommy Spinelli:
Trust me, pal, they don't feel it.

Rico:
Don't do anything stupid and nothing stupid will happen.

Rico:
Show me the law on bringing a head out of the country, ah? It ain't a fruit, it ain't a vegetable, it ain't even a plant, goddamm it!

Steve:
Heads up! Stop a-head. Anybody need to use the head?

Ernie:
Steve...

Steve:
Oh, don't let it go to your head. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're _way_ ahead of me!

Ernie:
Steve! Enough!

Steve:
Hey, don't bite my head off, alright!

Ernie:
That's it. I'm sleeping outside, guys.

Annette:
Me, too.

Charlie:
Hey, Steve; GET A GRIP. Go to sleep.

Steve:
Or what? You'll have my head?

Ernie:
Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up. [Hangs up phone]

Tommy Spinelli:
Yeah... SH*T!

Ernie:
I think we better pull over, 'cause we need some gas soon.

Tommy Spinelli:
Keep f***ing driving.

Fern:
Didn't I tell you to watch your f***ing language?

Tommy Spinelli:
I need a flight to Bethesda University.

Ticket Taker:
I'm not sure the university has its own airport but we can fly you to Baltimore, will that do?

Tommy Spinelli:
Hey don't get cute with me, a**hole, huh?

Benny:
You do that and Big Sep kills us all.

Charlie:
F*** Big Sep!

Tommy Spinelli:
I thought I told that little son of a b*tch to stay put!

Fern:
So who are you? God? Why the hell should he listen to you?

Tommy Spinelli:
Where's Charlie?

Fern:
Who are you?

Tommy Spinelli:
I asked you a question, where the f*** is Charlie?

Fern:
And I asked you a question, who the *f**** are you?

[Laurie hides in the closet]

Charlie:
Laurie, you're not in the hallway. You're in the closet.

Laurie:
Don't you think I realize that? I'm not coming out!

Charlie:
Laurie.

Laurie:
I'm not!

Charlie:
You have to come out.

Laurie:
No.

Charlie:
The bodies are in there.

[Laurie runs out screaming]

Charlie:
I was just kidding!

Annette:
You hid those heads in our room then pinned them on my Dick! [ referring to husband, Dick Bennett]

Steve:
This is like grave robbing - grave robbing. Or worse.

Ernie:
I don't see any graves. Do you see any graves?

Tommy Spinelli:
[C*cks gun] There's going to be two fresh ones right now if you don't start looking for heads. Come on.

Tommy Spinelli:
Look, I don't want to have to put you kids through hell so let me tell you what's going to happen. First I'm gonna hurt you. Then you're gonna try to be brave. Then I'm gonna hurt you again, then you're gonna tell me everything.

Laurie:
Nana, they tortured him.

Fern:
So what? A little castor oil down his gullet.

Annette:
Uh!

Fern:
A little electricity on his dillywhacker.

Annette:
Uh!

Fern:
Cat piss.

Steve:
No, please don't. I fly! I fly!

Tommy Spinelli:
What are you, a fairy?

Ernie:
Okay, let's review: you've got a Hugo, a Little Joey, a Frank, a bad Stu...

Tommy Spinelli:
No, bad Frank.

Ernie:
That's what I said.

Tommy Spinelli:
No you didn't. You said bad Stu. Stu was just so-so.

Ernie:
No, sir, I said a so-so Stu.

Tommy Spinelli:
You did not. You said bad Stu!

Ernie:
Yes I did and everybody heard! I said a so-so Stu!

Tommy Spinelli:
You said bad Stu!

Ernie:
I know the names and you don't... [Arguing continues]

Steve:
Would you two stop it, goddammit! These are not baseball cards we're talking about here. These are heads! Human beings' heads!

Ernie:
This university has the largest cryonics facility in the country. They've got hundreds of frozen heads.

Tommy Spinelli:
Why do they got hundreds of frozen heads?

Ernie:
[sarcastically] I think for, uh, situations like this.

Tommy Spinelli:
Hey don't be a little smart ass, you!

Ernie:
Look, they have them because people feel that maybe in a couple hundred years, we can bring them back to life, clone them a nice, healthy body.

Tommy Spinelli:
Are you jerking me around?

Ernie:
What? Oh my God. You just put welts and bruises over 90% of my body and now you're talking about having me help you decapitate some professor. WOULD I BE JERKING YOU AROUND?

Ernie:
Are you telling us that you're gonna find a replacement for the head Charlie lost?

Tommy Spinelli:
[looking through a year book] Yeah. We got some time to kill before we go to the airport.

Steve:
But these are human beings. Innocent people. You can't just kill innocent people because they look like somebody else.

Tommy Spinelli:
Let me tell you something, college boy, nobody is innocent. Now who is he?

Steve:
He's my anatomy professor. He almost flunked me.

Tommy Spinelli:
Good. Here's your chance to get even with the prick. Get me his address.

Steve:
Alrighty.

Annette:
[Tommy had just thrown Fern out of the van and off a cliff] Oh my God. I don't believe it. I thought the old battle ax would never die.

Laurie:
Charlie, I've got it: Fed Ex! Fed Ex them to Steve.

Charlie:
We're in Mexico, Laurie. There is no Fed Ex.

Laurie:
Well Mex Ex them. I don't care.

Laurie:
Let's call the police.

Charlie:
No! We're in Mexico, Laurie. A third world country. You don't just call the police in a third world country and tell them you found eight human heads in your luggage.

Laurie:
Why not?

Charlie:
Because they have no laws here. They'll turn me into a taco.

Annette:
[goes to back of van to lie down and sees head] Oh my God! AAH! AHH! Another head! Oh my God! Help! Help!

Tommy Spinelli:
Lady, lady, shut up!

Annette:
I can't stand it! I'm losing my mind! Everywhere I look, there are heads! AAAAA!

Tommy Spinelli:
Shut up lady, Jesus Christ! You're not the only person on the planet with problems, OK? Shut it! Jesus, what a head case.

Fern:
Is that supposed to be a JOKE? Killer humor?

Annette:
Looked like this guy I dated in high school, this Hugo... Hugo Porto. Eww. [Head was actually the head of Hugo Porto]

Ernie:
[roasting the coyote that ran away with a head] This doggy wont be doin' any more running away, I got him trained