A Christmas Story

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man!

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand... (Yechh!)

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Of course! Santa! The big man! The head honcho! The connection! [chuckles] Oh, my mother had truly messed up this time!

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! SO HELP ME GOD, YELLOW EYES!!

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble of victims!

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB Gun mania knows no loyalty.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
My old man's spare tires were only actually tires in the academic sense. They were round and had once been made of rubber.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
[After Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. Gently.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
[After the Christmas turkey is stolen by the neighbors' dogs] The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult):
There has never been a kid who didn't believe that he would be stricken blind before he reached twenty-one, and then they'd be sorry.

Mr. Parker:
You used up all the glue on purpose!

Mr. Parker:
NADDAFINGA!! (Not a finger!!)

Mr. Parker:
GO on! Have a chew fellows on me! It is my gift!

Mr. Parker:
That son of a b*tch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!

Mr. Parker:
Aha aha, it's a clinkerrrrrrr!!! That blasted, stupid furnace. Dadgummit! [Goes down stairs; falling sound is heard] Damn skates! [Coughs] For cripes sake, open up that damper, will you?! Who the hell turned it all the way down?! AGAIN?!!!

Mr. Parker:
SONS O'B*TCHES! BUMPUSSES!!!

Mr. Parker:
(Reading sign on wooden crate) Fraa-jeel-aay! Huh! Must be Italian!

Mr. Parker:
(After the Bumpus hounds steal the Parkers' turkey) All right, everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.

Mr. Parker:
[as he is going "furnace fighting"] You filthy system! I hate it! [cursing] ...dumb, frattin', housesnickle viper!

Mr. Parker:
It's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see..... it's.... smiling at me.

Mr. Parker:
He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.

Mr. Parker:
He looks like a pink nightmare!

Mr. Parker:
Didn't I get a tie this year?

Mrs. Parker:
[to Randy] I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!

Mrs. Parker:
[to Ralphie] You'll shoot your eye out!

Mrs. Parker:
That's ridiculous! Jealous? Jealous of what?! That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!

Mrs. Parker:
[to Randy] Well, put your arms down when you get to school.

Mrs. Parker:
Icicles have been known to KILL people!

Randy:
[sing-song] Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beetloaf. I hate meatloaf.

Randy:
[After Ralphie pushes him away from dresser after mother tells them to come down in two minutes] C'mon Ralphie!! I got here first!!!

Randy:
I can't put my arms down!

Randy:
I can't get up! Ralphie, I can't get up!!

Randy:
Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!

Randy:
[After opening his biggest Christmas gift] WOW!! Whoopie, a Zeppelin!!

Randy:
[Admiring the presents under the tree] Wow a truck! That's mine!! [Points to a box] WOW look there! That's mine! [Feels a very hard present] What's in here? Oh, it's hard. Fire Truck. OH BOY! That's mine!

Randy:
Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.

Randy:
Ralphie: [after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure to...drink your... Ovaltine. Ovaltine?! A crummy commercial?! Son of a b*tch!

Randy:
Waiters in Chinese Restaurant: (singing) Deck the harrs with bows of horry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra! 'Tis the season to be jarry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!

Randy:
Lead Waiter: (To Chinese Waiters) No no no! Not ra ra ra ra ra, Its la la la la la. Sing like this: (Singing) Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly, Fa la la la la la la la la. (Speaks regulary) Try again. (Later he makes a funny expression on his face as the Chinese Waiters sing the song wrong again)

Randy:
Waiters in Chinese Restaurant: (Singing) Jingre Bears, Jingre Bears, Jingre Arr the Way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh

Randy:
Scut Farkus: [to Ralphie] Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come! [Ralphie starts quivering] What? Are you gonna cry now? Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry! [begins mock crying and laughing]

Dialogue:
Shopper: [to Ralphie] Young Man! Hey Kid! Where do you think *you're* going?!

Dialogue:
Ralphie: [to Shopper] Going up to see Santa Claus.

Dialogue:
Shopper: [to Ralphie] The line ENDS here. It begins over THERE! [Points to the end of a very very long line]

Dialogue:
Santa Claus: [To Ralphie] How about a nice er...football?

Dialogue:
Ralphie: [As narrator] Football? What is a football? Without a will my voice squeaked out "Football"

Dialogue:
Santa Claus: [To Ralphie] Football? [To Head Elf] Okay get him out of here.

Dialogue:
Ralphie: [As narrator] A Football!? Oh no! What was I doing!!? Wake up stupid! Wake up!

Dialogue:
Ralphie: [As child] NO! [climbs back up exit slide] No. No. I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-range-shot model air rifle! [smiles hopefully at Santa]

Dialogue:
Santa Claus: [to Ralphie] You'll shoot your eye out kid. Merry Christmas! HO! HO! HO!

Dialogue:
Ralphie: [smile fades to shockness by what Santa said. Santa pushes Ralphie down the exit slide] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!*****

[In daydream]

Black Bart:
Oh NO! It's....

All Bandits:
OLD BLUE! OH NO!

Randy:
[wailing] I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!!! [continues bawling and wailing, as Mother tries to put his arms down, but it isn't working]

Mother:
Well, put you arms when you get to school. [puts the scarf on Randy, as he continues bawling and wailing]

Flick:
Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!

Schwartz:
That's 'cause you know it'll stick!

Flick:
You're full of it!

Schwartz:
Oh yeah?

Flick:
Yeah!

Schwartz:
Well I double-DOG-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was left but a triple-dare-you, and finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

Flick:
(over narrator's voice) You guys are real dumb.

Schwartz:
I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare-you and going right for the throat!

Mr. Parker:
What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Mother:
Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.

Mr. Parker:
How the hell did you know that?

Mother:
Everybody knows that!

Mother:
Is this another one of your silly puzzles?

Mr. Parker:
Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.

Mother:
What is it this time?

Mr. Parker:
Name the great characters in American literature.

Mr. Parker:
Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.

Ralphie:
Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!

[Everyone stares at Ralphie]

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] "C+"?! Oh no! It couldn't be!

Ralphie:
"C+"?

Ms. Shields:
[as the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of OZ] C+! [cackling] C+!

[Ralphie looks down to see "P.S. - You'll shoot your eye out"]

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Oh no! "You'll shoot your eye out?!"

Ralphie:
Oh no.

Ralphie as Adult:
My mother must've gotten to Ms. Shields! There could be no other explanation!!

Ms. Shields and Mrs. Parker:
[Mrs. Parker dressed as a jester] You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! [both laugh mockingly]

Ralphie:
[after climbing up the slide back to talk to Santa] No, no, I want a an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle! [smiles]

Santa:
You'll shoot your eye out, kid. [Ralphie's smile quickly disappears] Merry Christmas, kid. Ho, ho, ho. [pushes Ralphie's face with his boot back down the slide]

Ralphie:
Nooooo!!!!

Ralphie:
Oooh fuuudge!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the Queen-Mother Of Dirty Words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Mr. Parker:
[stunned] WHAT did you say?

Ralphie:
Uh, um...

Mr. Parker:
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? The human sacrifice? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Mrs. Parker:
[after dialing Mrs. Schwartz] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Ah, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?

Mrs. Schwartz:
[indistinguishable]

Mrs. Parker:
No. He said... [whispers the word into the phone]

Mrs. Schwartz:
NO, NOT THAT!

Mrs. Parker:
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?

Mrs. Schwartz:
Probably from his father.

Mrs. Parker:
No! He heard it from your son!

Mrs. Schwartz:
WHAT? WHAT! WHAAAAAAAAAAT!?!? [She is heard in the background walloping Schwartz]

Schwartz:
What'd I do, Mom? WHAT DID I DO?????

[During Ralphie's daydream where he went blind]

Mr. Parker:
What happened son? Who did this to you?

Ralphie:
It,it was... soap poisoning!

[Mr. & Mrs. Parker begin wailing]

Ralphie:
Don't worry. We'll make it though... somehow.

Mr. Parker:
I told you not to use Lifebuoy!

Mr. Parker:
[admiring the mess of gift wrap] Oh my gosh would you look at that mess. Who is going to clean the papers up?

Ralphie:
Not me.

Mr. Parker:
Oh really? Randy did it last year.

Ralphie:
Well he can do it again.

Mr. Parker:
You know this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?

Ralphie:
Yeah.

Mrs. Parker:
No you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?

Ralphie:
Yeah pretty nice.

Mr. Parker:
Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?

Ralphie:
[thinking about not getting the BB gun] Well almost.

Mr. Parker:
ALMOST huh? Well that's life. Well there is always next Christmas.

Ralphie:
Yep.

Mr. Parker:
[feigns a surprise look] Hey. That's funny. What's that over there behind the desk?

Ralphie:
Where?

Mr. Parker:
Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there. Go check it out.

Ralphie:
[Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]

Mrs. Parker:
What did we put over there honey?

Mr. Parker:
[stammers] Uh..Uh...Uh Santa Claus probably put it there.

Ralphie:
[opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun] WOW!

Mrs. Parker:
Uh...[not pleased at the sight of the BB gun]

Mr. Parker:
[laughs] Do you know how to load it?

Ralphie:
Yeah. [loads gun]

Mr. Parker:
C-Careful. They run all over.

Narrator:
Oh it was beautiful. I could hardly wait to try it out.

Ralphie:
[delighted] Can I...Can I try it out Ma? Can I?

Mr. Parker:
Sure.

Mrs. Parker:
[reluctantly] Okay. But outside. OH...I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] Wait! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]

Mr. Parker:
But...I had one when I was eight years old.

Mrs. Parker:
What if he hurts himself? Ralphie your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.

Mr. Parker:
Except the Bumpses Dogs!

Mrs. Parker:
Oh hush, Be careful Ralphie!

Randy:
(opening his biggest gift) WOW! Whoopie! A zeppelin!!!

Mr. Parker:
[Almost just as happy] A can of Simoniz.

A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...

Peace, Harmony, Comfort, And Joy... Maybe Next Year.

'Tis Better To Give Than To Receive.