A Day at the Races

Hackenbush:
Here boy. Take these bags up to my room, and here's a dime for yourself.

Mrs. Upjohn:
Oh, no, no, no. This is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.

Hackenbush:
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here's a quarter!

Hackenbush:
At the age of fifteen I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.

Whitmore:
Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?

Hackenbush:
Well, uh, that's for grown-ups. I just fill them for children.

Whitmore:
No, no, Doctor. I mean, where did you get your training as a physician?

Hackenbush:
Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.

Mrs. Upjohn:
Vassar? But that's a girls' college.

Hackenbush:
I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.

Whitmore:
The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.

Hackenbush:
Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic-

Whitmore:
Ah, and what happened?

Hackenbush:
I got the flu.

[Dr. Hackenbush hands a large pill to Mrs. Upjohn]

Whitmore:
Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.

Hackenbush:
Oh, you've taken them before.

Mrs. Upjohn:
Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?

Hackenbush:
You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.

Whitmore:
May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?

Hackenbush:
Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.

Tony:
Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!

Hackenbush:
I notice he wins all the time.

Tony:
Aw, just because he comes in first.

Hackenbush:
Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.

…

Tony:
Here your ice cream. [offering a hint book for betting on the horses] One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.

Hackenbush:
That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had. [buys code book]

Tony:
Here your ice cream. Tootsie-frootsie ice cream. [code book says that horse Z-V-B-X-R-P-L will win the next race; Tony offers a free code book to decode the letters] …just a one dollar printing charge.

Hackenbush:
Well, uh, give me one without printing. I'm sick of printing.

Tony:
…just a two dollar delivery charge.

Hackenbush:
What do you mean delivery charge? I'm standing right next to you.

Tony:
Well, for such a short distance, I make it a dollar.

Hackenbush:
Couldn't I move over here and make it uh - fifty cents?

Tony:
Yes, but I'd move over here and make it a dollar just the same.

Hackenbush:
[after buying many guidebooks] All I wanted was a horse, not a public library.

…

Hackenbush:
[after realising he was swindled by Tony] Get your Tootsie-Frootsie. Nice ice cream. Nice Tootsie-Frootsie ice cream.

Hackenbush:
Record department. Col. Hawkins talkin'.

Whitmore:
Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire for me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?

Hackenbush:
[turns on a fan and blows a paper against it] I'm sorry sir. There's a hurricane blowin' down here, and you have to talk a little louder. Woo! It's certainly the windiest day we ever had! WOO! Certainly is windy!

Whitmore:
I want to find out about Dr. HACKENBUSH! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom, pulling him away from the phone) Yes?

Hackenbush:
Whitmore you'll have to cut out that squawking! The patients are all complaining! [on the phone, posing as Colonel Hawkins]...I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.

Whitmore:
I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictagraph.

Hackenbush:
What was that you said sir?

Whitmore:
[loudly] I was called to the dictagraph!

Hackenbush:
: Whitmore, one more yelp outta you and I'll have you bounced out of here! (on the phone)...And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.

Whitmore:
I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you!

Hackenbush:
I can't hear you, you will have to talk a little louder.

Whitmore:
I want to find out something about Hackenbush! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom again) Well, what is it now?!

Hackenbush:
Whitmore, that's the last time I'm gonna warn you about that yowling! (on the phone) And in conclusion, let me say…

Whitmore:
I'm sorry Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?

Hackenbush:
Hack- you mean, Dr. Hackenbush? Oh, no, he's not here.

Whitmore:
(with mounting impatience) I know he's not there. He's here!

Hackenbush:
Then what are you botherin' me for, Yankee?

Whitmore:
But I want to know something about his Florida record-

Hackenbush:
(in a female telephone operator's voice) Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore-

Whitmmore:
Operator, will you get off the line! Hello, hello, Colonel?

Hackenbush:
Yes?

Whitmore:
Are you sure you're speaking about Hugo Z. Hackenbush?

Hackenbush:
Who?

Whitmore:
Hugo Z. Hackenbush!

Hackenbush:
Who's calling him?

Whitmore:
(barely controlling his temper)...The Standish Sanitarium.

Hackenbush:
Yeah! That's where he works! Say, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there.

Whitmore:
I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.

Hackenbush:
What job?

Whitmore:
As head of the sanitarium!

Hackenbush:
Who?

Whitmore:
Hackenbush!

Hackenbush:
[on the intercom] Whitmore, are you calling me?

Whitmore:
No, you sap! (picks up the phone)... Hello.

Hackenbush:
Yes, now, uh, now what was that name?

Whitmore:
Hackenbush. HACK-EN-BUSH!

Hackenbush:
Uh-huh. Well, as soon as he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.

Whitmore:
[slamming down the phone] No!

Hackenbush:
[examining Stuffy with an auriscope] I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.

Tony:
Told you he was sick.

Hackenbush:
[pointing to Stuffy's neck] That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.

Tony:
That's bad.

Hackenbush:
With a 1% mentality. [Stuffy grins] He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.

Tony:
Hey doc. Hey doc!

Hackenbush:
Huh?

Tony:
You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.

Hackenbush:
I knew it all the time. That was a good joke on all of us, wasn't it?

Flo:
Why, I've never been so insulted in my life!

Hackenbush:
[after looking at his watch] Well, it's early yet.

Tony:
I'm O'Reilly, the house-detective.

Hackenbush:
Don't talk so loud, your mustache will drop off.

Tony:
Have you got a woman in here?

Hackenbush:
If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.

Tony:
Well, ya better get her out. This is the last time I'm goin' to tell ya.

Hackenbush:
The last time? Can I depend on that?

Tony:
Yes, because this time I'm goin' to stay here all night.

Flo:
I want you to hold me. Oh, hold me closer! Closer! Closer!

Hackenbush:
If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of ya!

Mrs. Upjohn:
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.

Steinberg:
There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.

Hackenbush:
You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.

Steinberg:
WHAT?!!