A Haunted House

Father Williams:
Tic tac toe in yo' face!

Malcolm:
You made a deal with the devil for a pair of shoes?

Kisha:
Not shoes, Malcolm! Louboutins, okay?

[first lines]

Malcolm:
Why isn't this stupid thing working? See, that's that bullshit. I'm taking this sh*t right back to Best Buy.

[takes off lens cap]

Malcolm:
Or not. Stupid lens cap.

[last lines]

Malcolm:
Yeah baby! I lived! I lived! In your face! In your face! You thought you'll move in my house and kill me? What?

[laughs]

Malcolm:
She's right behind me, isn't she?

[Malcolm is dragged away screaming]

Kisha:
I'm a scary ghost!

Malcolm:
B*tch! There is a ghost in the house!

Malcolm:
Who am I kidding? I can't sell a house in this market! Immediate possession? It's already possessed!

Kisha:
There are Super Bowl commercials that last longer than you, Malcolm!

Kisha:
[after Malcolm accidentally uploads a video of the ghost sodomizing him onto YouTube] You're gonna be bigger than "Charlie Bit My Finger."

Malcolm:
Oh, Father. Thank God you could make it.

Father Williams:
N*gger, call me Doug. I don't like being called "Father." No way. Plus, I got a couple issues with a few people out there claiming false child support. I mean, just 'cause the little n*gger got my eyes, my nose, my extremely rare AB-negative blood type, don't mean I'm the damn daddy.

Father Williams:
Hey, guys. Gentlemen, what we have here is a crazy b*tch. Now, I would leave her possessed ass in the alley downtown if it was me, but apparently, Malcolm's got a thing for the freak.

Father Williams:
Uh, bro, I'm gonna have to level with you. This b*tch don't look right. I mean, she look all ashy and sh*t, and just... You know, like E.T. with a weave. If I was you, I'd just be out. Let's just go. Come on. Let's go.

Malcolm:
Uh, I... I can't leave her. That's my girl.

Father Williams:
Are you kidding me? Come on, man. There's so much p*ssy in the world, man. You don't have to be with just her. Come to the congregation. I've got a few in the congregation, I'm trying to tell you. [Father Williams pulls a photo from his wallet] Check this out. Now, I know she look old. I know she... But she a freak, and she got skills.

Malcolm:
Oh, my God! What did you do?

Father Williams:
Sh*t, I did you a favor.

Malcolm:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Rosa!

Rosa:
I just wanted my last check, Malcolm.

Malcolm:
Oh, my God, you shot my housekeeper.

Father Williams:
You mean, your ex-housekeeper. Look, man, the b*tch can't be jumping out on me like that. You ain't gonna tell nobody, right? I got warrants.

Father Williams:
Man, that breath is kickin. I can only image what the kitty smell like.

Father Williams:
I'm Father Doug. I'm here to unpossess you.

Kisha:
Do you know how to connect the cuts?

Father Williams:
Uh. Uh. Uh.

Father Williams:
Tic tac toe in your face!"