A League of Their Own

Ernie Capadino:
Ow. Doesn't that hurt them?

Dottie Hinson:
Doesn't seem to.

Ernie Capadino:
Well, it would bruise the hell out of me.

Dottie Hinson:
Who are you?

Ernie Capadino:
I'm Ernie Capadino. I'm a baseball scout. I saw you playing today. Not bad, not bad. You ever heard of Walter Harvey, makes Harvey bars - you know, the candy?

Dottie Hinson:
Yeah. We feed them to the cows when they're constipated.

Ernie Capadino:
That's the guy. He's starting a girls' baseball league, so he can make a buck while the boys are overseas. Wanna play?

Dottie Hinson:
Huh?

Ernie Capadino:
Nice retort. Tryouts are in Chicago. It's a real league, professional.

Kit Keller:
Professional - baseball?

Ernie Capadino:
Mmm-hmm. They'll pay you 75 dollars a week.

Kit Keller:
We only make 30 at the dairy.

Ernie Capadino:
Well then, this would be more, wouldn't it?

Stadium announcer:
No wonder they call her "All the Way" Mae.

Dottie Hinson:
Can we just hold each other for the rest of our lives?

Bob Hinson:
That's my plan.

Dottie Hinson:
What do you say I smack you around for a while?

Announcer:
Well, bite my butt and call me an apple.

Umpire:
Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.

Jimmy Dugan:
Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?

Helen Haley:
Has anyone seen my new red hat?

Dottie Hinson:
Oh, piss on your hat.

Helen Haley:
Well, that seemed uncalled for.

Ernie Capadino:
Yeah, I'm just going home, grab a shower and shave, give the wife a little pickle-tickle, and I'm on my way.

Walter Harvey:
You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job.

Jimmy Dugan:
I, uh, yeh, I, uh... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to... sell off the team's equipment like that; that won't happen again.

Walter Harvey:
Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk?

Jimmy Dugan:
Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.

Walter Harvey:
You've seen the error of your ways.

Jimmy Dugan:
No, I just can't afford it.

Walter Harvey:
It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy: you still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.

Jimmy Dugan:
Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee.

Walter Harvey:
You fell out of a hotel. That's how you hurt it.

Jimmy Dugan:
Well, there was a fire.

Walter Harvey:
Which you started, which I had to pay for.

Jimmy Dugan:
Well, now, I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.

Kit Keller:
You ever hear Dad introduce us to people? "This is our daughter Dottie, and this is our other daughter, Dottie's sister."

Ernie Capadino:
Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station.

Doris Murphy:
Hey Mae, Mae, your date's here.

Mae Mordabito:
How do I look?

Doris Murphy:
Where'd you get that dress?

Mae Mordabito:
Borrowed it.

Doris Murphy:
It don't fit you, Mae, it's too tight.

Mae Mordabito:
I don't plan on wearing it that long.

Doris Murphy:
Ohh. I don't know why you get dressed at all.

Ernie Capadino:
Hey cowgirls, see the grass? Don't eat it.

Mae Mordabito:
What if at a key moment in the game my, my uniform bursts open and, uh, oops., my bosoms come flying out? That, that might draw a crowd, right?

Doris Murphy:
You think there are men in this country who ain't seen your bosoms?

Dave Hooch:
I know my girl ain't so pretty as these girls, but that's my fault. I raised her like I would a boy. I didn't know any better. She loves to play. Don't make my little girl suffer because I messed up raising her. Please.

Ernie Capadino:
Hey, no skin off my Ashtabula. You want to stay here plucking cows, that's your business.

Newsreel Announcer:
After the first month of league play, the shine still isn't off these "diamond" gals. Alice "Skeeter" Gaspers says legging out a triple is no reason to let your nose get shiny - Betty Grable has nothing on these gals. Helen Haley has not only been a member of several championship amateur teams, she is also an accomplished coffee maker.

Newsreel Announcer:
Then there's pretty Dottie Henson, who plays like Gehrig, and looks like Garbo. Uh-uh, fellas, keep your mitts to yourself; she's married. And there's her kid sister Kit, who's as single as they come. Enough concentrated oomph for a whole carload of Hollywood starlets.

Ira Lowenstein:
This is what it's going to be like in the factories, too, I suppose, isn't it? "The men are back, Rosie, turn in your rivets." We told them it was their patriotic duty to get out of the kitchen and go to work; and now, when the men come back, we'll send them back to the kitchen.

Walter Harvey:
What should we do - send the boys returning from WAR back to the kitchen?

Mae Mordabito:
Sound it out...

Shirley Baker:
Kimm...

Mae Mordabito:
Kimono.

Shirley Baker:
Kimono, kimono. Off. And. Gr - Gra - Grabb"d.

Mae Mordabito:
Grabbed.

Shirley Baker:
Her. M - mi - mil - mil - milky, milky. White, white. Milky white.

Evelyn Gardner:
Mae. What are you giving her to read?

Mae Mordabito:
Oh, what the difference does it make? She's reading, okay? That's the important thing. Now go away, go, shoo, shoo. Go ahead, Shirley, you're doing good.

Shirley Baker:
Thanks, Mae. Milky white bre - breasts.

Mae Mordabito:
It gets really good after that. Look. The delivery boy walks in...

Jimmy Dugan:
Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is - she kept calling Your name. And God, these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that's it.

Maida Gillespie:
Careers and higher education are leading to the masculinization of women, with enormously dangerous consequences to the home, the children, and our country. When our boys come home from war, what kind of girls will they be coming home to? And now the most disgusting example of this sexual confusion: Mr. Walter Harvey of Harvey bars is presenting us with women's baseball. Right here in Chicago, young girls plucked from their families are gathered at Harvey Field, to see which one of them can be the most masculine. Mr. Harvey, like your candy bars, you're completely... nuts.

Older Dottie:
You haven't changed one bit.

Older Ellen Sue:
Dottie, I married a plastic surgeon.

Umpire:
Listen, yesterday that was a ball, tomorrow it might be a ball, but today it's a strike.

Radio Sportscaster:
This week, on "The World of sports": When the boys are overseas, and off to war, baseball pitches in for the war effort. Trading bats for bullets, Yankees star Joe DiMaggio promises to give those Nazis a jolt. Ace fire baller, Bob Feller, has traded Cleveland gray for navy blue. Baseball biggest stars say: Look out Mr. Hitler, the Yanks are coming, not to mention the Indians, Red Sox, and Tigers.

Ma Keller:
Don't run, you'll scare the chickens.

Ma Keller:
For goodness sake, Kit, keep your voice down, your father is listening to the radio.

Doris Murphy:
It's the second time he dropped that bible since she's been in.

Doris Murphy:
Mae. What did you say?

Mae Mordabito:
Everything.

Mae Mordabito:
...And what am I supposed to do, huh? Go back to taxi dancin'? Ten cents so some slob can sweat gin all over me? I'm never doin' that again! So you go back there! And you tell "Mr. Rich Old Chocolate Man" that he ain't closing ME down!

Dottie Hinson:
How good am I?

Jimmy Dugan:
You stink, you're lousy, you're only the best player in the league.

Dottie Hinson:
You ever been married?

Jimmy Dugan:
Well, let me think... yeah, twice.

Dottie Hinson:
Any children?

Jimmy Dugan:
One of them was, yeah.

Jimmy Dugan:
Evelyn, could you come here for a second? Which team do you play for?

Evelyn Gardner:
Well, I'm a Peach.

Jimmy Dugan:
Well I was just wonderin' why you would throw home when we got a two-run lead. You let the tying run get on second base and we lost the lead because of you. Start using your head. That's the lump that's three feet above your ass.

Jimmy Dugan:
Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying, there's no crying in baseball. Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? NO. NO. And do you know why?

Evelyn Gardner:
No, no, no.

Jimmy Dugan:
Because there's no crying in baseball.

Jimmy Dugan:
Hey, that's good advice!

Doris Murphy:
Evelyn. Your kid ate the line up.

Ernie Capadino:
Come on now, one foot in front of the other, see?

Mae Mordabito:
Evelyn. Evelyn. I'm sorry but I have to kill your son.

Doris Murphy:
What are you lookin' at?

Dottie Hinson:
Nothing.

Doris Murphy:
That's right, nothin'.

Dottie Hinson:
What did you give her?

Doris Murphy:
Just a new dress.

Mae Mordabito:
And a whole lotta liquor.

Walter Harvey:
You go out, wave your cap, give the people a thrill.

Jimmy Dugan:
Why don't you get an organ grinder, I could do a little dance.

Walter Harvey:
If your knees are up for it, go ahead.

Jimmy Dugan:
By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz.

Mae Mordabito:
There are over a hundred girls out here. So some of you are going home.

Kit Keller:
What do you mean some of us?

Mae Mordabito:
OK, so maybe some of them are going home.

Doris Murphy:
Okay, let's make like a bread truck and haul buns ladies.

Announcer:
Take me home momma and put me to bed. I have seen enough to know I have seen too much.

Kit Keller:
[Trying to convince Dottie to try out for the league so she can as well] Come on, Dottie. You've got the whole rest of your life to hang around here. Never go anywhere, never do anything...

Dottie Hinson:
Look, I'm married, I'm happy. That's what I want, so let's not confuse things.

Kit Keller:
Okay...But can't you just have this first? Just so you can say you once did something? Something special? Huh?

Mrs. Keller:
For goodness sake, Kit! Keep your voice down! Your father's listening to the radio!

Kit Keller:
Please, Dottie. I gotta get outta here...I'm nothing here.

Jimmy:
Evelyn, could you come here for a second? Which team do you play for?

Evelyn:
Well, I'm a Peach.

Jimmy:
Well I was just wonderin', 'cause I couldn't figure out why, you throw home when we got a two-run lead! You let the tying run get to second, and we lost the lead because of you! You start using your head! That's the lump that's three feet above your ass!!

[Evelyn starts to cry]

Jimmy:
Are you crying? Are you crying? Are you crying?! There's no crying! There's no crying in baseball!

Doris:
Why don't you leave her alone, Jimmy?

Jimmy:
Oh, you zip it, Doris! Rogers Hornsby was my manager and he called me a talking pile of pig sh*t! And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game! And did I cry?

Evelyn:
[in between sobs] No, no, no.

Jimmy:
No! And do you know why?

Evelyn:
No.

Jimmy:
Because there's no crying in baseball. There's no crying in baseball! No crying! Note: the bolded line is ranked #54 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

Ira Lowenstein:
Until you did that, I couldn't tell if you were... drunk or dead.

Jimmy Dugan:
It was made very clear to me what I'm supposed to do here. I smile, wave my little hat... I did that, so when do I get paid?

Ira Lowenstein:
Now, Jimmy, you have some pretty good ballplayers here. You ought to give them a little bit of your...

Jimmy Dugan:
[interrupting] Ballplayers! I don't have ballplayers, I've got girls. Girls are what you sleep with after the game, not, not what you coach during the game. [spits]

Ira Lowenstein:
If we paid you a little bit more, Jimmy, do you think you could be just a little more disgusting?

Jimmy Dugan:
Well, I could certainly use the money.

[Jimmy signs a baseball for a young fan.]

Little boy [reading the inscription]:
"Avoid the clap, Jimmy Dugan"

Jimmy Dugan:
Hey, that's good advice!

Jimmy Dugan:
Taking a little day trip?

Dottie Hinson:
No, Bob and I are driving home. To Oregon.

Jimmy Dugan:
[long pause] You know, I really thought you were a ballplayer.

Dottie Hinson:
Well, you were wrong.

Jimmy Dugan:
Was I?

Dottie Hinson:
Yeah. It is only a game, Jimmy. It's only a game, and, and, I don't need this. I have Bob; I don't need this. At all.

Jimmy Dugan:
I, I gave away five years at the end my career to drink. Five years. And now there isn't anything I wouldn't give to get back any one day of it.

Dottie Hinson:
Well, we're different.

Jimmy Dugan:
Sh*t, Dottie, if you want to go back to Oregon and make a hundred babies, great, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live. But sneaking out like this, quitting, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Baseball is what gets inside you. It's what lights you up, you can't deny that.

Dottie Hinson:
It just got too hard.

Jimmy Dugan:
It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great.

Jimmy Dugan:
"Here's a job for you, Jimmy. Managing girl ballplayers. Just go out there, wave your little hat around - but don't drink." Ah! Why would I wanna drink? I'm a goddamn Peach! [Hits a ground ball] Ah, double play! Now I'm hitting like a girl. "But be nice to them, they're good ballplayers." [Hits a deep fly ball] Ah! Catch that, blondie! Ha, ha!