A Night at the Roxbury

Doug:
You can take our phones and you can take our keys, but you cannot take away our dreams.

Steve:
Yeah, because we're, like, sleeping when we have them.

Craig:
So hey, let me ask you something. How long have we been friends?

Steve:
All seven years of high-school.

Doug:
Yeah, at least.

Craig:
That's why I gotta be real with you right now. As a professional trainer, guys, I'm a little worried about your triceps. i mean you guys are going all the week out and it's called full extention. And I'm not seeing it.

Doug:
Craig, you're right. We actually had a long talk about that the other night.

Steve:
Looong taaalk.

Craig:
I just don't want you guys to cheat on yourselves. And I'm sorry to come down here like this but ... pfff ... in a weird way it's my job.

Steve:
Hey, that's why we love you and we hate you.

Craig:
So, still friends?

Doug and Steve:
You know it!

Craig:
I'm glad we had this talk.

Doug:
About the store? You sit around thinking about the store? You're supposed to be thinking about ... (sees two hot ladies) Hey what's up? (to the ladies)

Steve:
You want some of this?

Doug:
Or a little of that?

Doug:
Why go out for burgers when you have steak at home?

Steve:
You're right, we should go out for lunch after this.

Steve:
What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

Doug:
Steve, slow down.

Steve:
I can't help it man, it's hottie overload.

Doug:
Just pace yourself.

Steve:
Ok... What's up?... 2, 3, 4. What's up?... 2, 3, 4...

Mr. Zadir:
Wait a minute, did you just grab my ass?

Doug:
No.

Mr. Zadir:
Do you want to?

Doug:
No... should I?

Doug:
So anyways, I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone.

Steve:
Yeah, he was, seriously.

Doug:
And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this.

Steve:
And who do you think that guy was?

Doug:
Emilio Estevez.

Steve:
The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there.

Doug:
Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.

Steve:
I was like, "Emilio."

Bouncer:
Nobody gets in unless they talk to the list.

Doug:
We're on the list.

Bouncer:
Name?

Steve:
Steve and Doug Butabi.

Bouncer:
You're brothers?

Doug:
No...?

Steve:
YES.

Doug:
Man, works every time.

Bouncer:
That's very funny.

Steve:
Yea, Doug's hilarious.

Mr. Zadir:
Dooey, did you just grab my ass?

Dooey:
Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibilty.

Mr. Zadir:
Oh, I know your tricks, Dooey!

Steve:
[on his marriage] Dad, is there any way I can get out of this?

Kamehl Butabi:
Yes... nooooooo.

Doug:
[outside The Roxbury] So... you want to dance?

Girl:
We're not in the club yet.

Doug:
Right.

Kamehl Butabi:
What I do understand is that you're going to a big new hot club tonight. Is that what it is?

Doug:
That's right.

Steve:
Exactly.

Kamehl Butabi:
What I don't understand is how you're gonna get there. [Kamehl takes their car keys]

Doug, Steve:
What are you doing? God. Man.

Steve:
Oh my god, Doug. This is the most amazing place I've ever been.

Richard Grieco:
Guys, guys. This is the coat room. The club's in here.

Cambi:
There you are. We got scared.

Doug:
Of who, we'll kick his ass.

Cambi:
No we got scared someone stole you away from us.

Doug:
Oh... oh, like some other girls would steal us away.

Steve:
Oh...OH.

Doug:
Is that a mirror in your pocket?

Cambi:
What?

Doug:
'Cause I can see myself in your pants!

New Club Waiter:
Mr. Zadir, Dooey just called from Pismo Beach. He says there's no way he could've grabbed your ass.

Mr. Zadir:
What is he up to now?

Steve:
I miss Doug!

Kamehl Butabi:
He's in the guest house! He's 20 feet away!

Steve:
But he doesn't have cable!

Kamehl Butabi:
Yes he does! He has Cinemax!

Steve:
But there's no HBO! GOD! [runs off crying]

(a Topless woman gets out of the pool and asks for a towel)

Steve:
Good, how are you?

Doug:
About 8 o'clock, 8:15. Yeah, all the time.

Steve:
BMW.

Doug:
Right at sunset.

Steve:
Vanilla mostly.

Steve:
What's up?

Hottie Cop:
Do you know you were doing 50?

Doug:
[whispers to Steve] Hottie cop likes you. Think she pulls over just anybody? Make a move.

Steve:
What's up?

Hottie Cop:
Just giving you an $80 ticket.

Doug:
[whispers to Steve] She is so into you

Hottie Cop:
I want you to do me a favor.

Steve:
What ever you say, "T.J. Hooker".

Hottie Cop:
(laughs) Please obey all posted speed limits. Have a good night

Steve:
It's already been good, now that you have served and protected me.

[Hottie cop leaves]

Doug:
Way to go brother! You got her badge number and you got a date to meet her at the Municipal State Court. Up top. Very nice! Yeah!

(Old women asks about fake roses)

Women In Flower Store:
How long will they last?

Steve:
Well, they'll last forever, cause they're silk. They'll always be there. They'll never die. They'll never change. They'll never say you're not good looking. They'll always be in your room where you left them and not suddenly move out to the guest house

Doug:
So, is Johnny Depp meeting up here?

Richard Grieco:
*hostile tone*...no.