A Room for Romeo Brass

Romeo Brass:
I can smell something cooking, you know, I haven't eaten for about an hour.

Gavin 'Knocks' Woolley:
I cant smell nowt.

Romeo Brass:
I'm so hungry.

Romeo Brass:
It went well with you and Morrell last night, eh?

Ladine Brass:
No

Romeo Brass:
Very romantic

Ladine Brass:
For a start right; he's on the dole, he's a weirdo and I just felt sorry for him.

Romeo Brass:
You're just being mean now, he really likes you, you know

Ladine Brass:
Romeo, you'll understand one day

Romeo Brass:
What's that meant to mean?

Ladine Brass:
Aw, God Romeo! I'm just not interested, he's just a bloody gizoid alright!

Romeo Brass:
Thats a bit of a cheap shot, why the hell did you kiss him?

Ladine Brass:
Because I felt sorry for him, You know if Patti Doles asked you to kiss her would ya, no you wouldn't, exactly.

Romeo Brass:
No, I wouldn't do it because she stinks of piss, she has long gums and tiny teeth!

Romeo Brass:
So it went well with you and Morrell last night...

Ladine Brass:
No.

Romeo Brass:
Very romantic.

Ladine Brass:
For a start, right, he's on the dole, he's a weirdo and I just felt sorry for him.

Morell:
It's my imagination because I have got a very, very fuelled imagination.

Morell:
I knew there and then that there was a spirit in the room and it was trying to attack me. So what unfolded then was a fight between me and this unseen entity.

Morell:
I'm getting that feeling already of people with their hands on her. Makes me quite angry, I think I've been overcome with love.

Morell:
Just stay away from me for hours, hours and hours.

Ladine Brass:
It's not an egg-timer, it's a salt thing.

Ladine Brass:
He's a bloody gizzoid, alright.

Romeo Brass:
That's a bit of a cheap shot, why the hell did you kiss him?

Ladine Brass:
Because I felt sorry for him, god sake, if Patty Dawes asked you to kiss her, would you? No you wouldn't. Exactly!

Romeo Brass:
No, I wouldn't because she's stinks of piss, has long gums and tiny teeth.

Morell:
If you had what I had you wouldn't even leave the house. But I left the house.

Morell:
They're special flowers them.

Ladine Brass:
Are they?

Morell:
Yes, you can only pick them in Ireland.

Joe Brass:
You think I don't know your game, you think I don't know your game, are you...

Morell:
What's my game then?

Joe Brass:
Are you some sort of mental deficient upstairs, what you doing hanging round with kids 10 years younger than you eh? Don't you hang around with people your own age, do they all take the piss out of ya, do they all laugh at ya, I bet they think you're f***ing hysterical don't they, look at ya, what, did you get bullied at school or are you just a f***ing nonce! [Joe pushes morrell hard backwards]

Morell:
F*** off!

Joe Brass:
Come near my family, I'll f***ing bury ya! [Joe slams Morrell upgainst the wall]

Morell:
One beat, two beat three beat, sugar beat. Four beat, five beat, six beat, wheat-a-beat. Seven beat, eight beat, nine beat, heartbeat. My heartbeat, my heart is beating for you.

Morell:
[talking to himself] I would like to take you to Scarborough Fair.

Morell:
Don't worry Ladine, I'm not going to kick off.

Morell:
Tell you something - that door is open 24 hours a day and you are welcome in it, anytime

Morell:
She does like high karate aftershave doesn't she?

Morell:
What if a man came up to you in the street and says to you 'I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you', would you think it was weird?

Ladine Brass:
Tell you what, I'll think about it at work and I'll answer you tonight.

Morell:
[pointing to his crotch] F***ing tuck into that!

Ladine Brass:
You want me to touch it?

Morell:
Yeah, I want you to touch it, touch it!

Morell:
I want to see some reaction.

Morell:
Why not go nicely before things get really dark.

Morell:
Do you think I'm frightened because you're a big fella?

Joe Brass:
Obviously not, you're a big touch guy.

Morell:
I've eaten bigger cornflakes.

Bill Woolley:
What will it take for you to go?

Morell:
Man I thought I f***ing put you out.

Bill Woolley:
I just want you to go.

Morell:
Do you want me to f***ing put you to sleep?

Bill Woolley:
I don't know.

Morell:
Get on your knees, i'm going to drive this through your f***ing skull.

Joe Brass:
Come on, get up and go dark on me now!

Morell:
[being laughed at for wearing a tracksuit, walking towards the place Ladine works] I canna destroy ya today lads. I'm on very serious business. [at the door to shop] Right, I'm going in, your mission is to be doormen, ya get me. Don't let any f***er in here under any circumstances.

Morell:
Hey Romeo... [doing funny trance movement with his hands sweeping across his face] Misery.

Morell:
You did it for your pleasure...

Gavin 'Knocks' Woolley:
No I...

Morell:
[Morell grabs knocks by scruff of neck and holds a knife to him] Well it wasn't funny. I don't think ya know what it's like to mess with people's feeling d'ya. What have I ever done to you? F*** all.