A Shot in the Dark

Maria Gambrelli:
You can have one of my cigarettes.

Clouseau:
Oh, thank you.

Maria Gambrelli:
You have it in backwards.

Clouseau:
Oh... it tastes very bad that way.

Clouseau:
Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.

Clouseau:
You are forgetting the most important fact: motive.

Hercule LaJoy:
He beat her.

Clouseau:
He was Spanish!

Hercule LaJoy:
He tore her dress off.

Clouseau:
Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?

Maria Gambrelli:
Tell me, why do so many men smoke afterwards? No wonder tobacco companies get rich.

Clouseau:
And I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a rit of fealous jage!

Dreyfus:
Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.

Clouseau:
I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.

Camp Attendant:
Not unless you take off your clothes...

Clouseau:
You, sir, are under arrest.

Camp Attendant:
Arrest? What for?

Clouseau:
For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.

Camp Attendant:
Lewd and suggestive remarks?

Clouseau:
Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?

Camp Attendant:
No.

Clouseau:
What!

Camp Attendant:
This is a nudist colony.

Clouseau:
There is something... personal... in this?

Dreyfus:
Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!

Clouseau:
You want me to leave?

Clouseau:
Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.

Dreyfus:
What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Dreyfus:
What about the maid?

Clouseau:
The maid?

Dreyfus:
Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.

Clouseau:
It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.

Dreyfus:
Mistake?... in a nudist camp?

Clouseau:
Uh... What was I saying? Uh... Listen, you, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing there? I mean, can't you pay attention when I'm talking? Don't know know what I was saying? You're not listening to me.

Maurice:
With the greatest respect, monsieur, I heard every word that you said.

Clouseau:
Would you be kind enough to tell me what it was that I said?

Maurice:
You were talking about the closet, monsieur...

Clouseau:
Uhhh, yes?

Maurice:
You were saying that when the closet door was open, Maria received a bump on the head, and from that that you inferred that someone had been hiding in the closet, monsieur...

Clouseau:
Yes, she received a bump on - And, listen, monsieur, next time I may test you without warning!

Dreyfus:
François would you please call for a doctor.

Françios:
Are you ill?

Dreyfus:
I seem to have stabbed myself with the letter opener.

Clouseau:
I'm sorry, my idiot driver parked too close to the fountain.

Clouseau:
You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! Now I have nothing to point with!

Dreyfus:
François, I seem to have cut my thumb.

Dreyfus:
Someone has been murdered here. Please let it be Clouseau.

Clouseau:
I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.

Dreyfus:
[answers phone] Commissioner Dreyfus... Ah, yes, my darling... I was just about to call you. I'm on my way. I've got the cheese and the beaujolais... What? [laughs] ... My love. Kiss the children for me, hmm?

[intercom buzzes]

Dreyfus:
Hold on. [covers phone mouthpiece; answers intercom] Yes?

Intercom:
Your wife is on the other line.

Dreyfus:
Tell her I'm out of town.

Françios:
I made a terrible mistake.

Dreyfus:
Who did you assign to the case?

Françios:
Clouseau.

Dreyfus:
Oh, my God.

Dreyfus:
[chuckles and whimpers] He released her again, and he's taking her out to dinner to dinner. Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor, and he gave them the story! You see, he claims she's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous. Jealous! That nincompoop! That megalomaniac! He's setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can't do anything about it!

Psychoanalyst:
Why not?

Dreyfus:
Why not? What if he's right?

Maria Gambrelli:
You should get out of these clothes immediately! You'll catch your death of pneumonia, you will.

Clouseau:
Yes, I suppose I probably will. But it's all part of life's rich pageant, you know.

Clouseau:
Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat... [snaps his pointing stick] You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?

Hercule LaJoy:
Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.

Clouseau:
What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.

Hercule LaJoy:
How do you know that?

Clouseau:
Instinct!

Hercule LaJoy:
But the facts...

Clouseau:
You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.

Hercule LaJoy:
He beat her.

Clouseau:
He was Spanish!

Hercule LaJoy:
He tore her dress off.

Clouseau:
Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?

Hercule LaJoy:
No, I suppose not.

Clouseau:
No, of course not! No, no. No, there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.

Clouseau:
Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: One... [holding up one finger] She was found with the murder weapon in her hand, Two... [holding up three fingers] The murder weapon was fresh with blood, Three... [holding up four fingers] There were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and Four... [holding up all five fingers] All the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?

Hercule LaJoy:
Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.

Clouseau:
You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.

Hercule LaJoy:
But the facts...

Clouseau:
Listen, whoever killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.

Hercule LaJoy:
Well, who do you suspect?

Clouseau:
I suspect everyone.

Hercule LaJoy:
Well... I suppose that is possible.

Clouseau:
Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.

Dreyfus:
He was shooting crows?

Françios:
He was disguised as hunter to watch over the Ballon house.

Dreyfus:
Give me ten men like Clouseau, and I could destroy the world. Where is he now?

Françios:
I don't know. After I got his release, he received a phone call. He ran from his office yelling he had found the clue that would crack the case.

Dreyfus:
This case is already so full of cracks one more won't make any difference. [breaks a cigar he was having with his fingers. He takes another and uses the cigar cutter] Françios.

Françios:
Yes, commissioner?

Dreyfus:
I just cut off my thumb.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha! [hits him] Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder. We must accelerate out training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Prison is bad enough, without, uncomfortable furniture.