Abominable

Clerk:
Another Darwin Award comin' up.

Clerk:
Why you don't believe in Squatch?

Ziegler Dane:
Hell no.

Clerk:
Then why the hell did you come?

Ziegler Dane:
Because I like to kill sh*t.

Otis Wilhelm:
Hey, assmonkey! Eat this!

Ziegler Dane:
I guess you never heard of the Darwin Awards.

Clerk:
The what?

Ziegler Dane:
The Darwin Awards. They give 'em out to people who died doin' the stupidest sh*t.

Clerk:
Like what?

Ziegler Dane:
One of my favorites is this guy - this guy goes to a petting zoo with some of his friends and he decides to demonstrate the effect of this crazy glue.

Clerk:
Crazy glue?

Ziegler Dane:
Yeah, y'know, that sh*t. He squirts it in both his hands and he leans over to this fence and he slaps both hands onto the rear end of a rhinoceros. No, no, I'm not kiddin' ya, no sh*t. This thing takes off, yankin' this guy right off his feet and all he can smell is ass. And unbeknownst to him, this rhinoceros had been constipated for a couple of weeks, right, so they gave him this massive dose of this laxative.

Clerk:
[giggling] The zookeeper.

Ziegler Dane:
[laughing] Yeah. So this thing's chargin' around tryin' to free himself of this guy, and he's stompin', he's stompin' on pygmy goats, ducks and all this stuff and he starts shitting uncontrollably right in this guy's face. Paramedics come, they try to clear an air passage and this guy's buried under thirty gallons of diarrhea, man.

Farmer Hoss:
What a dumbass.

Clerk:
A local Indian legend tells of a wild man livin' in these woods. My grandpa saw it once, and he says it only comes out after dark, and now my question to y'all is... you sure you wanna find it? 'Cause some things are better left unfound.

Ziegler Dane:
[aside to Hoss] This comin' from a guy who chainsmokes at his gas station hooked up to an oxygen bottle.

Clerk:
Thank you for the reminder. I believe I will.

[lights a cigarette]

Clerk:
You smell that? Boys, we're not alone.

Ziegler Dane:
'Course not. We're sittin' in the middle of the woods, Sherlock. Ten bucks it's a bear.

[Ziegler gets up and wanders off into the woods alone]

Farmer Hoss:
Ziegler, wait!

Clerk:
Another Darwin Award, comin' up.

Preston Rogers:
[talking to himself] There is something out there. You're not crazy, Preston, you're not crazy... well, sh*t, you are talking to yourself.

Clerk:
Okay, you smelly son of a b*tch! You win! Look, I'm gonna leave now! We'll pretend this never happened, all right? Right. [he turns and is eaten by Bigfoot immediately]

Sheriff Halderman:
I would say that Mr. Rogers has lost his neighborhood, y'know what I'm saying? I mean he's not been the same since that accident, now he's seeing monsters. What's that tell you?

Deputy McBride:
What, do you think this is a hoax?

Sheriff Halderman:
No, no, I don't think it's a hoax, no. I just think the guy's got a hole in his screen door, that's all.

Sheriff Halderman:
I don't wanna hear no more gibberish about no Flatwoods monster.

Deputy Parker:
It's just a joke, Sheriff.

Sheriff Halderman:
Oh, yeah, real funny, hahaha. Monsters are a real hoot. Anyway, you know what to do with this. Log it, write it up and when the phone lines get back we'll call the guy. In the meantime, if you don't mind, I'm goin' to the head. I'm gonna give birth to a monster.

Preston Rogers:
[grabbing a knife] I'm gonna need a bigger knife.

Preston Rogers:
I think it cut the power.

Amanda:
How?

Preston Rogers:
I have no f***ing idea.

Amanda:
I thought you said it wasn't smart.

Preston Rogers:
Well, it's not supposed to be. I just never heard of a creature like this.

Preston Rogers:
What's your name?

Amanda:
Amanda.

Preston Rogers:
Well, Amanda, I'm Preston, and I need your help.

Preston Rogers:
Look, I need to tell you something. I wasn't always in this wheelchair. About six months ago, my... wife and I went climbing on Suicide Rock. It was a routine climb, we'd done it a dozen times. Only this time was different. This time the cable that was supporting us snapped, and my wife fell about a thousand feet to her death. I hit the face of the rock and I... got a lucky bounce and I landed on a narrow precipice. Took 'em about four hours to airlift me out of there. I didn't wanna be alive anymore. I couldn't understand why I had lived and she had died, and other than that... time, that moment, when that cable snapped and I was falling through all of that empty space, tonight is the scariest night of my life.I'm scared to death right now.

Amanda:
Me too.

Preston Rogers:
I mean, that means that we're alive. That means that we wanna live. I was given a gift that day. And I don't know why. I mean, it was a miracle that I lived. And I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that I don't waste that gift.

Preston Rogers:
[killing the Yeti] Die, you ugly f***!

Amanda:
Is it dead?

Preston Rogers:
God, I hope so. Let's not hang around and find out, though.

Amanda:
Preston, for what it's worth, thank you for saving my life.

Preston Rogers:
Well, I just didn't want you thinking I was some sort of peeping tom.

[last lines]

Sheriff Halderman:
What's the matter with you guys?

Deputy Parker:
[a twig snaps] What was that?

Sheriff Halderman:
[laughs] Parker. I thought you were a man. Jesus Christ. It's your imagination, Parker. There's nothin' out here. Nothin' but pine cones and frozen rattlesnakes. You guys are a bunch of candyasses, you know that?

Ziegler Dane:
[as Clerk puts another cigarette in his mouth] I bet your lungs look like a couple of old saddlebags.

Clerk:
Well... giddy up! [Lights cigarette]