American Dreamz

President Staton:
Did you know there are two kinds of Iraqistanis?

[the First Lady holds up three fingers]

President Staton:
I mean, actually, three?

Chief of Staff:
You mean Sunnis and Shi'ites and Kurds?

President Staton:
You knew about this?

[from trailer]

Martin Tweed:
That's weird, one can become quite detached from reality when one's famous.

Sally Kendoo:
That sounds so cool.

[from trailer]

Agha Babur:
You must get to the championship round. When you are on stage with the president, you will have smuggled in an explosive.

Omer:
What if I don't make it to the final round?

Agha Babur:
Folks don't call me the torturer because I *don't* like to torture people.

Martin Tweed:
Jessica, you make me feel like being a better person and I'm not a better person. I'm me.

Jessica:
[Opening Lines] [after Martin receives a fax showing American Dreamz as the top rated show] How are the numbers?

Martin Tweed:
Incredible. [chuckles] Absolutely incredible.

Jessica:
Congratulations. [pause] I'm leaving you. [long pause] Did you hear what I said? I'm leaving you.

Martin Tweed:
[still staring at the fax] Yeah, I heard. Yeah, Yeah

Jessica:
I'm not kidding.

Martin Tweed:
I know. [turns and walks toward her] Look, I think it's an excellent decision on your part.

Jessica:
You do?

Martin Tweed:
You're a fantastic person and the last year's been really great. You're beautiful. The sex has been wonderful. You're kind and supportive. You wait for me with dinner when I work late: you're amazing. And it's driving me out of my *f***ing* mind. [she stares in disbelief] You know, with numbers like this, this should be the happiest day of my life and instead i have to worry about whether I make *you* happy all the time! [pause, her lip quivers] Jessica, sweetheart, you make me feel like being a better person. And I'm not a better person. I'm me.

Jessica:
[teary-eyed as she walks away] I feel sorry for you.

Martin Tweed:
Don't. I certainly don't. In fact, I envy myself deeply.

Sally Kendoo:
Martin, I'm not physically attracted to other people, but if you want me, I'm yours.

Chet Krogl:
See, people like the whole white trash thing.

Martha Kendoo:
But we're not white trash.

Chet Krogl:
I know, but look what it did for Britney Spears.

Omer:
One and two, three and four, five, hey!

Iqbal Riza:
What are you doing?

Omer:
Nothing, nothing, I'm just rehearsing some dance steps.

Iqbal Riza:
Oh...

Omer:
Look Iqbal, I am so sorry...

Iqbal Riza:
Stop!I don't want your pity. Does it look like I need pity?

Omer:
No, no, no you have far too much dignity.

Iqbal Riza:
If these people know nothing about talent there's not much I can do about it, is there? So let's see it. Let's see your dance steps.

Omer:
Oh... alright. One and two, three and four.

Iqbal Riza:
[Iqbal waves his hand up to Omer for him to stop]

Omer:
What?

Iqbal Riza:
Oh there's no way you're going to win this thing.

Omer:
I know, I fear as much.

Iqbal Riza:
[Iqbal sighs and looks him up and down]

[Iqbal takes Omer to his stage]

Iqbal Riza:
Get up there, up on the stage.

Omer:
Are you sure?

Iqbal Riza:
Do it! Before I change my mind. Okay, now this is just a bass track. It's good for practicing moves too.

[Iqbal turns on the stereo]

Omer:
Mmm. I don't like this kind of music.

Iqbal Riza:
It's just a bass track! It's just for rehearsal!

Omer:
Okay...

Iqbal Riza:
[Iqbal sighs] Now one problem you have is you move like a reanimated corpse in a zombie movie. Not good, you need to loosen up. Okay, come on, let's go, free form jazz dancing. Right now, immediately.

Omer:
Iqbal, why are you helping me? I destroyed your dream.

Iqbal Riza:
Yeah, you did, but that was yesterday. Today I turned a page in a new chapter in my life. I'm not sure being a performer was ever what I was really meant for. I'm more of a behind the scenes player, a puppeteer, a svengali if you will. As of today I'm your manager.

Martin Tweed:
I want an Arab. And a Jew. I want an Arab and a Jew.

Accordo:
How about... An Arab-Jew?

Martin Tweed:
I think I'm Omar-sexual.

Martin Tweed:
Am I lovable?

Accordo:
...Yes. Yeah. Uh-uh. Yup.

Martin Tweed:
How about you?

Ittles:
I love you. That's all I know.

President Staton:
Maybe it is time I read newspapers. I've learned a lot this morning. It turns out North Korea and Iran are not like Doctor Octopus and Magneto at all...

Sally Kendoo:
You know... I used to weigh like 200 pounds. But then I told myself if I didn't lose at least 90 pounds before I turned 14, I'd kill myself.

Mrs. Kendoo:
Hello William.

William Williams:
Hi Mrs.Kendoo, is Sally there?

Mrs. Kendoo:
No she's in New York with agents.

William Williams:
Tell her I joined the army, I miss her and I got her face tattooed on my arm.

Sally Kendoo:
I think it's time we broke up. Your life is here, [puts her hand low] my life is here [makes a rocket-like motion blasting off]

Ali Aziz:
[Omer is doing horrible dance moves] What the hell is that? It looks like he stepped on a scorpion.

President Staton:
It's not like in this country, where whites, and blacks, and Latinos all get along and there's no prejudicial deal between them. I mean these people have some longstanding beefs with each other.

Chief of Staff:
The president and Mr. Putin had a nice talk. The president considers him a close friend, while of course deeply mistrusting his undemocratic tendencies.

Reporter:
What about the rumours that the president had a nervous breakdown?

Chief of Staff:
Nervous breakdown? Look fellows, I'd like to remind everyone that we're still at war here. The terrorists are going to exploit any sign of weakness and it's not a question of if, but when they're going to launch a major attack ending life on earth as we know it, so let's just try to keep a positive attitude.

First Lady:
[about the re-election] You're wondering, what was the point of it all? Why you? Why now? Why did the Lord pick you out of all people? What are your special qualifications? And did the Lord even pick you, or was it just having really, really powerful friends?

Chet Krogl:
Everyone in America thinks they're middle class. So they like to have someone to look down on.

Shazzy Riza:
Hey Omer, want to go to the mall?

Omer:
We just went last weekend.

Iqbal Riza:
Yeah, and now we're going again.

Omer:
Why, did you forget to purchase something?

President Staton:
I've had speechwriters write for me all of my career and advisors telling me what positions to take. I can't even remember why I wanted to get into politics to begin with. I think it's because my mom wanted me to, to show my dad any idiot could do it.

Omer:
I just feel confused... about this country. There are so many nice people here, but it does so much harm in the world... So to what degree is this country culpable for its actions. Are Americans to blame for America?

President Staton:
In terms of the Middle East, it looks like the problems over there are never going to be solved. I mean never, never, never, never, never, never. So, I'm sorry about that...

Omer:
Mr. President, I deeply hope for all of our sakes that you are wrong.

President Staton:
I hope so too.

William Williams:
I guess you two think I'm stupid. I guess you all think I'm stupid. Well, I'll show you how stupid I am: I'm going to blow myself up with this bomb I found.

Omer:
You have been Omerized!

Iqbal Riza:
She's a very freaky girl, the kind you don't bring home to mother. She's a super freak, super freak, she's super freaky. Ohhhhhhh

Iqbal Riza:
[Iqbal coughs] [turns and talks into the mirror]

Iqbal Riza:
Wrong, do you want this? Do you? Well than get your ass in gear!

Shazzy Riza:
So at the mall today, I upgraded my plan to 5,000 minutes, but it's a family plan.

Omer:
Thank you auntie.

Iqbal Riza:
You should have gone to 10,000.

Omer:
Um, Iqbal.

Iqbal Riza:
Yeah.

Omer:
Something very odd happened today, it's funny really.You see, uh, these people from the American Dreamz television show came by.

Iqbal Riza:
Yeah?

Omer:
And uh...

Iqbal Riza:
And?

Omer:
And uh, I was using your stage and they heard me singing and they wanted me to be on the show.

Omer:
Mmmmm.

Iqbal Riza:
I'm sorry , did you say that they want YOU to sing on the show?

Omer:
Mm huh, isn't that amusing.

Shazzy Riza:
Holy crap!

Nazneen Riza:
Shazzy.

Ali Aziz:
Congratulations Omer!

Omer:
Thankyou!

Iqbal Riza:
Congratulations Omer! That's what you have to say Congratulations Omer! Do you know how hard I worked to get on this show? You stole my dream!

Omer:
I'm so sorry, I told them, I told them they had made a mistake, but do not worry. I will simply refuse to be on the television show, yes, yes and then they must take you instead.

Iqbal Riza:
They don't want me. Nobody want's me!

Nazneen Riza:
Nonsense sweetheart, we all love you.

Iqbal Riza:
Is that going to make me famous? I don't think so!

President Staton:
Now as your commander-in-chief, I'm gonna have to order you not to blow yourself up.

William Williams:
So do you have any advice for me?

Soldier Chuck:
Yeah, don't get shot.

[shots fired at truck]

William Williams:
[holding his arm] Ow! What was that?

Soldier Chuck:
You got shot!

William Williams:
Oh no! My tattoo!

Martin Tweed:
Sometimes I look at you and see my own reflection. It's revolting.