American Pie

Finch:
God bless the Internet.

Steve Stifler:
She called me and asked for my number.

Steve Stifler:
I say, why don't you guys locate your d*cks, remove the shrink wrap, and f***ing *use* them!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Suck me beautiful.

College Girl:
What did you just say?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Suck me beautiful!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Friends call me Nova as in Casanova.

College Girl:
That's pathetic!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.

Jim:
I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.

Jim:
You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Steve Stifler:
What did you c*cks do to him?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
You came to see me in action?

Jim:
Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!

Steve Stifler:
Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Victoria 'Vicky':
I want it to be the right time, the right place...

Jessica:
It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX.

Jim:
Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin:
You want to take this one?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Like warm apple pie.

Jim:
Yeah?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Yeah.

Jim:
Apple pie, huh?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Uh huh.

Jim:
McDonald's or homemade?

Jim's Dad:
I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of

Jim's Dad:
masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.

Jim's Dad:
I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and sh*t.

Steve Stifler:
I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Jim:
She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Stifler's Mom:
I got some scotch.

Finch:
Single malt?

Stifler's Mom:
Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Michelle:
What's my name? Say my name, b*tch!

Jim:
Michelle! Michelle.

Steve Stifler:
I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No F***ing Section", right?

Chuck Sherman:
I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time, to change the future for one lucky lady.

Jim's Dad:
It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

Jim:
Right.

Jim's Dad:
It's not a game.

Jim:
No.

Jim's Dad:
What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Vicky:
Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really care about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talk about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?

Jessica:
He got a dick, he's a guy.

Vicky:
Right.

MILF Guy #2:
Dude that chick's a MILF!

MILF Guy #1:
What to hell is that?

MILF Guy #2:
M-I-L-F Mom I'd Like to F***!

MILF Guy #1:
Yeah dude! Yeah!

Jim's Dad:
Well, they're safer than a tube sock...

Jessica:
You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?

Vicky:
I've never tried it.

Jessica:
You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Coach Marshall:
I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!

Finch:
Did not just take out that chair.

Kevin:
Yup, he took out the chair.

Heather:
Yeah, that'd be a start.

Steve Stifler:
Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?

Heather:
Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Yeah, that would be great.

Steve Stifler:
Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Stifler, f***! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?

Steve Stifler:
What? Whatever.

Kevin:
He's pullin' out the porn.

Finch:
He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

Jim's Dad:
We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

Michelle:
This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my p*ssy.

Garage Band Member:
Go trig boy, it's your birthday.

Steve Stifler:
You actually said that?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Shut up!

Jim:
You did better than me Nova.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher:
Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.

Steve Stifler:
You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

Steve Stifler:
SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL!

Steve Stifler:
Hey Kev, Seen shitbreak lately?

Kevin:
Why? what did you do to him?

Steve Stifler:
Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. Shitbreak won't have a problem shitting at school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.

Kevin:
If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Jim:
Sherman? The Sherminator?

Nadia:
I believe "shaved" is the expression.

Jim:
Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin:
You want to take this one?

Oz:
Like warm apple pie.

Jim:
Yeah?

Oz:
Yeah.

Jim:
Apple pie, huh?

Oz:
Uh huh.

Jim:
McDonald's or homemade?

Oz:
[on being sensitive to women] All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and sh*t.

Stifler:
I dunno man that...sounds like a lot of work!

Stifler:
F*** me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?

Jim:
What am I supposed to do Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?

Stifler:
Yeah!

Kevin:
You can do that?

Jim:
No I can't do that to her.

Stifler:
Jim, get some f***ing balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?

Finch:
I don't like the kid but he's got a point Jim.

Stifler:
See? Even Sh*t Break knows you should do it.

Jim:
[tries to make a move on a half-naked Nadia] Looks like you could use an extra hand.

Nadia:
Jim!

Jim:
Well, uh. Oh!

Nadia:
[puts on a shirt to cover herself] Shame on you!

Jim:
Yes, shame on me. I'll just go.

Nadia:
Well... you have seen me. Now it is my turn to see you. Strip.

Jim's Dad:
[about sex] It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun - but it's not a game.

Jim:
Right.

Jim's Dad:
It's not a game.

Jim:
No.

Jim's Dad:
What you want is a partner to return the ball. You want a partner, don't you, son?

Jim:
Oh yeah, Dad. I wan-I want a partner.

Jim's Dad:
Good. Good. That's very good.

Stifler:
Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, B*tches. Sherman!

Sherman:
Hey!

Stifler:
What the f*** are you doing here?

Finch:
So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?

Stifler's Mom:
Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?

Finch:
Yes ma'am, I am.

...

Finch:
You have anything to drink?

Stifler's Mom:
I believe the kegs are upstairs.

Finch:
That is what the cretins drink. I'm talking about alcohol, liquor...the good stuff.

Stifler's Mom:
I've got some Scotch.

Finch:
Single malt?

Stifler's Mom:
Aged 18 years. The way I like it.

Michelle:
Oh! And this one time... at band camp... I stuck a flute in my p*ssy!

Jim:
[taking a drink then realizes what she said and spits it out] Excuse me?

Michelle:
What? You think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed. So are we gonna screw soon, 'cuz I'm getting kind of antsy!

Michelle:
Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.

Jim:
What makes you think that I would cum early?

Michelle:
Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.

Jim:
Yes I am.

Kevin Myers:
No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!