American President

President Andrew Shepherd:
I want to buy her some flowers. That's what men do when they break a date.

Robin McCall:
That's not what men do. I know no men who do that.

President Andrew Shepherd:
I'm sorry about this. We'll do it better next time.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Well, I'm no expert but I think we did it pretty good this time.

Lewis Rothschild:
Can I just state very clearly I can't be part of anything illegal.

A.J.:
Good for you, Lewis.

Lewis Rothschild:
You can say what you want. It's always the guy in my job that ends up doing 18 months in Danbury minimum security prison.

Lewis Rothschild:
Who're we calling, sir?

President Andrew Shepherd:
I'm calling the organization of the United Brotherhood of It's None of Your Damn Business, Lewis. I'll be with you in a second.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
I don't know how you do it.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
That's not what I mean. Two hundred pairs of eyes are focused on you with two questions on their minds: who's this girl, and why is the President dancing with her?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Do you think this is a good idea?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Probably not.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Mr. President, you've got bigger problems than losing me. You just lost my vote.

A. J. MacInerney:
Sir, it's immediate, it's decisive, it's low-risk, and it's a proportional response.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Someday someone's going to have to explain to me the virtue of a proportional response.

President Andrew Shepherd:
What I did tonight was not about political gain.

Leon Kodak:
Yes sir. But it can be, sir. What you did tonight was very presidential.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Leon, somewhere in Libya right now, a janitor's working the night shift at Libyan Intelligence headquarters. He's going about doing his job... because he has no idea, in about an hour he's going to die in a massive explosion. He's just going about his job, because he has no idea that about an hour ago I gave an order to have him killed. You've just seen me do the least presidential thing I do.

Lewis Rothschild:
You have a deeper love of this country than any man I've ever known. And I want to know what it says to you that in the past seven weeks, 59% of Americans have begun to question your patriotism.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Look, if the people want to listen to-...

Lewis Rothschild:
They don't have a choice! Bob Rumson is the only one doing the talking! People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved, who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
How do you have patience for people who claim they love America, but clearly can't stand Americans?

Lewis Rothschild:
Mood swings? Nineteen post-graduate degrees in mathematics, and your best explanation for going from a 63 to a 46 percent approval rating in five weeks is mood swings?

Leon Kodak:
Well, I could explain it better, but I'd need charts, and graphs, and an easel.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Wait, wait, here comes my favorite part.

Bob Rumson:
My name is Bob Rumson, and I'm running for President!

President Andrew Shepherd:
Sure glad he cleared that up, 'cause those people were about to buy some Amway products!

President Andrew Shepherd:
America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You've got to want it bad, because it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say, "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil who is standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the 'land of the free'? Then the symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then you can stand up and sing about the 'land of the free.'"

President Andrew Shepherd:
Is the view pretty good from the cheap seats?

A.J.:
What?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Because it occurs to me that it twenty five years, why have I never seen YOUR name on a ballot? Why A.J.? Whare are you always one step behind ME?

A.J.:
Because if I wasn't, you'd be the most popular history teacher at the University of Wisconsin!

President Andrew Shepherd:
F*** you!

Lucy:
If you were a dork you should say you're sorry. Girls like that.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Your boss is the chief executive of fantasy land!

President Andrew Shepherd:
Well, let's take him out back and beat the sh*t out of him!

President Andrew Shepherd:
We had a nice couple of minutes together. She threatened me, I patronized her. Didn't have anything to eat, but I thought there was a connection.

A.J.:
You've said it yourself a million times. If there had been a TV in every living room sixty years ago, this country does not elect a man in a wheelchair.

President Andrew Shepherd:
This is NOT the business of the American people!

A.J.:
With all due respect, sir, the American people have a funny way of deciding on their own what is and what is not their business.

Robin McCall:
I think the important thing is not to make it look like we're panicking.

President Andrew Shepherd:
See, and I think the important thing is actually not to BE panicking.

A.J.:
Excuse me, Mr. President, I just got off the phone with the federal mediator in St. Louis. Management just walked away from the table; the baggage handlers, pilots and flight attendants are all getting set to walk out in forty-eight hours.

President Andrew Shepherd:
You know, I studied under a Nobel Prize-winning economist, and you know what he taught me?

A.J.:
Never have an airline strike at Christmas?

President Andrew Shepherd:
The White House is the single greatest home court advantage in the modern world.

President Andrew Shepherd:
She didn't say anything about me?

A.J.:
No, but I could always pass her a note before study hall.

Robin McCall:
It's Christmas.

Lewis Rothschild:
It's Christmas?

Leon Kodak:
Yeah. You didn't get the memo?

President Andrew Shepherd:
I've loved two women in my life. I lost one to cancer and I lost the other because I was too busy keeping my job to do my job. Well, that ends right now.

Leo Solomon:
Politics is perception.

A.J. MacInerney:
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Roosevelt Room, giving Lewis oxygen.

A. J. MacInerney:
Oh, you only fight the fights you can win? You fight the fights that need fighting!

President Andrew Shepherd:
She's questioning your loyalty.

Lewis Rothschild:
Hell, I question it all the time.

Lucy Shepherd:
Do you see it as part of your job to torture me?

President Andrew Shepherd:
No, just one of the perks.

A. J. MacInerney:
Oh, and Leon, don't be the nice, sweet guy from Brooklyn on this one. Do what the NRA does.

Leon Kodak:
What, scare the sh*t out of them?

A. J. MacInerney:
Exactly.

Leon Kodak:
I can do that.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
I regrouped. You have to give me that. I stood in the middle of the Oval Office and made it clear that he who doesn't take the GDC seriously does so at his peril.

Beth Wade:
And then you walked out the wrong door.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Are you going to keep throwing that back in my face for the rest of my life?

Beth Wade:
That's my current plan, yes.

Lewis Rothschild:
I tell any girl I'm going out with to assume that all plans are soft until she receives confirmation from me thirty minutes beforehand.

Robin McCall:
And they find this romantic?

Lewis Rothschild:
Well, I say it with a great deal of charm.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Lewis, however much coffee you drink in the morning, I want you to reduce it by half.

Lewis Rothschild:
I don't drink coffee, sir.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Then hit yourself over the head with a baseball bat, would you please?

A.J.:
Good night, Mr. President.

President Andrew Shepherd:
A.J.?

A.J.:
Yes, sir?

President Andrew Shepherd:
When we're out of the office, and alone, you can call me Andy.

A.J.:
I beg your pardon, sir?

President Andrew Shepherd:
You were the best man at my wedding, for crying out loud. Call me Andy.

A.J.:
Whatever you say, Mr. President.

A.J.:
Nice shot, Mr. President.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Nice shot, Mr. President? You won't even call me by my name when we're playing pool?

A.J.:
I will not do it playing pool, I will not do it in a school. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I Am.

A.J.:
Mr. President, this is an election year. If you're looking for female companionship, we can make certain arrangements that will ensure total privacy.

President Andrew Shepherd:
I don't want you to get me a girl, A.J.! What is this, Vegas?

A.J.:
No sir, this is the White House.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Hello?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Yeah, hi, is this Sydney?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Leo?

President Andrew Shepherd:
No, this is Andrew Shepherd.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Oh! It's Andrew Shepherd! Yeah, you're hilarious, Richard, you're just a regular riot!

President Andrew Shepherd:
No, this isn't Richard, this is Andrew Shepherd.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Oh! Well, I'm so glad you called, because I forgot to tell you today what a nice ass you have. I'm also impressed that you were able to get my phone number given the fact that I don't have a phone. Good night, Richard.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Uh, this isn't Richard-

President Andrew Shepherd:
This used to be easier.

President Andrew Shepherd:
That's a little tight, Luce.

Lucy Shepherd:
It's supposed to be tight. It's supposed to make you look regal.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Is it supposed to cut off the blood flow to my face?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Perhaps it would be better if you bill me for the flowers, I'm sure it'll be all right with your boss... Well, I don't know if you recognize my voice, but this is the president... Of the United States!... Hello?

Leo Solomon:
I hired your reputation, Sydney. I hired a pit bull, not a prom queen.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
That's unfair.

Leo Solomon:
It's *incredibly* unfair.

President Andrew Shepherd:
You have concerns?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Yes. Not many. A few. One. I have one concern.

President Andrew Shepherd:
This wouldn't have to do with the fact that one of us is president?

Lucy:
My Dad told me to tell you that he's on the phone with his dentist, and that I should behave myself and entertain you until he gets back.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Oh. Your father's on the phone with his dentist?

Lucy:
No, he told me to tell you he's on the phone with his dentist. He wants you to think he's a regular guy.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Oh. Well, who's he on the phone with?

Lucy:
The prime minister of Israel.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Do you think there will ever be a time when you can stand in a room with me and not think of me as the president?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
This isn't a state of mind. You are the president. And when I'm in a room with you, oval or any other shape, I'm always gonna be a lobbyist, and you're always gonna be the president.

President Andrew Shepherd:
I have news for you, Sydney. As a lobbyist, you'd never be alone in a room with the president.

Bob Rumson:
Last night, the cost of those liberal programs was raised to include the blood of 22 American soldiers. Now, Mr. Shepherd's read a lot of books, but it doesn't take a Harvard degree to see this one coming a mile down the road.

President Andrew Shepherd:
I went to Stanford, you blowhole!

President Andrew Shepherd:
How much do you make?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
More than you do, Mr. President.

President Andrew Shepherd:
The name is Andy. How much money do you make?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
What the hell does it matter how much money I make?

President Andrew Shepherd:
You raise your voice to the president?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Bob Rumson's gotta be drooling over this!

President Andrew Shepherd:
Are you attracted to me?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
I beg your pardon?

President Andrew Shepherd:
I asked if you were attracted to me.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
That's not the issue.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Well, I tell you what, let's make it the issue. Let's try something new, because I know that most couples when they first get together are inclined to slam on the brakes because they're concerned about Bob Rumson's drool.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Let me see if I got this. The third story on the news tonight was that someone I didn't know thirteen years ago when I wasn't president participated in a demonstration where no laws were being broken in protest of something that so many people were against, it doesn't exist anymore. Just out of curiosity, what was the fourth story?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Yeah, hi, good morning... how do I get an outside line?

Leo's secretary:
Mr. Solomon? This was just delivered by a White House messenger. It's marked perishable.

Leo Solomon:
The White House has sent me something perishable?

Leo's secretary:
It's for Ms. Wade.

Leo Solomon:
Oh, here we go.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Relax, Leo, I'm sure it's just a formality.

Leo's secretary:
It's from him.

Leo Solomon:
Of course it's from him.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
So he had some staff flunky send me a fruit basket.

Leo's secretary:
Well, he wrote the note himself.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
I'm sure he didn't take the time to...

Leo's secretary:
The messenger said he waited in the Oval Office for ten minutes while the president wrote the card.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Okay, listen- it took him ten minutes to write the card?

Leo's secretary:
Apparently he went through several drafts.

David:
We should do some prep work. You wanna order in?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Uh, I can't. I'm having dinner at the White House. So let's start early tomorrow morning, say 7:30?

David:
Okay. I'm having lunch at the Kremlin, so we'll have to, you know, start even earlier than that.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Good night, David.

David:
In order for me to catch the morning plane to Moscow.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Good night, David!

President Andrew Shepherd:
You ever been to Camp David?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Camp David? Sure, I used to go there all the time, but then they changed chefs.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Seven trillion dollar communications system at my disposal, I can't find out if the Packers won.

Bob Rumson:
I don't even know what we call her. Is she the First Mistress?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Oh, man... my father heard that.

President Andrew Shepherd:
If Mary hadn't died, would we have won three years ago?

A.J.:
Would we have won?

President Andrew Shepherd:
If we had to go through a character debate three years ago, would we have won?

A.J.:
I don't know. But I would have liked that campaign. If my friend Andy Shepherd had shown up, I would have liked that campaign very much.

Leon Kodak:
Well, you don't see that every day of the week.

Lewis Rothschild:
He's got the whole White House press corps asking each other how to spell erudite!

A.J.:
Better call the printer, Lewis.

Lewis Rothschild:
I know, we gotta rewrite the State of the Union.

A.J.:
Every word, kid. It's a whole new ballgame. You have exactly 35 minutes.

Lewis Rothschild:
Oh, good, I thought I was gonna be rushed!

Sydney Ellen Wade:
How'd you finally do it?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Do what?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Manage to give a woman flowers and be president at the same time?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Well, it turns out I've got a rose garden.

President Andrew Shepherd:
She didn't say anything about me?

A. J. MacInerney:
Well, she did say you were taller than she thought you'd be.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Well, that's something.

President Andrew Shepherd:
For reasons passing understanding, people do not relate guns to gun-related crime.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
If someone had asked me yesterday, I'd have told them that the Quebec Conference is made up of six professional hockey teams.

Leo Solomon:
There's never an egg timer around when you need one.

Leo Solomon's Secretary:
Dig it, Miss Wade-you're the President's Girlfriend!

President Andrew Shepherd:
This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your 15 minutes are up. My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I AM the President.

Lewis Rothschild:
We lost Jarret.

Leon Kodak:
Well I hope so because if that was an undecided we need to work on our people skills.

President Andrew Shepherd:
It's sass, right? You're sassin' me.

Lucy:
Just be yourself.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Be myself.

Lucy:
Yeah, and compliment her shoes. Girls like that.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Too tall McCall!

Robin McCall:
Mr. President.

President Andrew Shepherd:
How was Mexico?

Robin McCall:
It was great until I heard that America is no longer a great society?

Lewis Rothschild:
He cut the entire kick-ass section.

President Andrew Shepherd:
Sydney, you didn't dissolve our trade agreements, did you?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
No, I just said we're sitting in this beautiful room, listening to the music of this wonderful orchestra, and I wondered why nobody was dancing.

President René Jean D'Astier:
And I informed Miss Wade that in my country, a guest at the palace of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette would soon find their head in a guillotine if they made the impertinent gesture of dancing without so much as a by-your-leave from the King and the Queen.

A. J. MacInerney:
I bet no one accused Louis of being soft on crime.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
There's a lesson there, Mr. President.

President Andrew Shepherd:
More beheadings at the White House!

President Andrew Shepherd:
Do you know what your problem is?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
What's my problem?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Sex and nervousness.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Sex and nervousness is my problem?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Yes. Last night when we were looking at those place settings in the Dish Room, I realized those place settings were provided by the first ladies. And I'll bet none of those first ladies were nervous about having sex with their President husbands. And do you know why?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
No, but I'm sure you'll explain it to me.

President Andrew Shepherd:
I will. Because they weren't Presidents when they first met them. That's not the case here.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
Why did I have to kiss him?

Beth Wade:
You kissed him? You didn't tell me that. Where did you kiss him?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
On the mouth.

Beth Wade:
Where in the White House?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
The dish room.

Beth Wade:
The dish room?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
The china room.

Beth Wade:
And then what happened?

Sydney Ellen Wade:
He had to go and attack Libya.

Beth Wade:
It's always something.

Sydney Ellen Wade:
I gotta nip this in the bud. This has catastrophe written all over it.

Beth Wade:
In what language? Sydney, the man is the leader of the free world. He's brilliant, funny, handsome. He's an above-average dancer. Isn't it possible our standards are just a tad high?

President Andrew Shepherd:
Sydney, Congress doesn't take this long.

I'm Andrew Shepherd and I AM the President.

Let's get busy tail, Bob...