Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ron Burgundy:
I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Ron Burgundy:
Last time I checked, my name was Ron Burgundy! What's yours?

Brian Fantana:
Brian Fantana!

Champ Kind:
Champ Kind!

Brick Tamland:
Brian Fantana...

Brian Fantana:
No, you're Brick.

Frank Vitchard:
I am gonna straight up murder your ass!

Garth Holliday:
It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!

Ron Burgundy:
You are a smelly pirate hooker!

Veronica Corningstone:
You look like a blueberry!

Ron Burgundy:
Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!

Veronica Corningstone:
Well you... have bad hair!

News Station Employee:
Dude, that smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!

Ron Burgundy:
Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

Ron Burgundy:
Brian, I'm gonna be quite honest, that smells like pure gasoline.

Brian Fantana:
They've done studies, you know. 60 percent of the time, it works every time.

Ron Burgundy:
That doesn't make sense.

Tino:
We have a saying in my country - the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Ron Burgundy:
I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Veronica Corningstone:
Because I have breasts... exquisite breasts?

Ron Burgundy:
Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?

Brian Fantana:
Brian Fantana.

Champ Kind:
Champ Kind.

Brick Tamland:
Brian Fantana.

Brian Fantana:
No, you're Brick.

Brick Tamland:
Brian.

Brian Fantana:
I'm Brian.

Brick Tamland:
Veronica.

Ron Burgundy:
Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!

Frank Vitchard:
Hey!

Frank Vitchard:
If your gonna have a fight, then don't forget Channel 2 News with me, lead anchor Frank Vitchard.

Ron Burgundy:
You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

Frank Vitchard:
Yeah. Well your about to be in dead place.

Ron Burgundy:
Do you know who I am?

Veronica Corningstone:
No. I can't say that I do.

Ron Burgundy:
I don't know how to put this... but, I'm kinda a big deal... people know me... I'm very important... I have many leather-bound books... and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Ron Burgundy:
Ron Burgundy:

Ron Burgundy:
What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing! How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Garth Holliday:
Why'd you say that Ron? Why? You're my hero. And you say something dirty. Like poop. Poop mouth. I hate you Ron Burgundy, I hate you!

Ron Burgundy:
I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Ron Burgundy:
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.

Ron Burgundy:
I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

Veronica Corningstone:
Really.

Ron Burgundy:
People know me.

Veronica Corningstone:
Well, I'm very happy for you.

Ron Burgundy:
I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

News Station Employee:
It smells like Bigfoot's dick!

Wes Mantooth:
Can't say one word? Even the guy can't think said something!

Ron Burgundy:
1001, 1002, 1003.

Veronica Corningstone:
Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.

Ron Burgundy:
Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.

Veronica Corningstone:
Well, you asked me to come by, sir.

Ron Burgundy:
Oh, did I?

Veronica Corningstone:
Yes.

Ron Burgundy:
Ohh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy:
Sweet Lincoln's mullet!

Angry Biker:
What do you love?

Ron Burgundy:
I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.

Angry Biker:
Well, now, guess what, this is happening.

Ron Burgundy:
Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?

Angry Biker:
That's how I roll!

Ron Burgundy:
I'm in a glass case of emotion!

Ron Burgundy:
You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Ed Harken:
Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?

Bartender:
You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.

Ron Burgundy:
What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.

Brian Fantana:
Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!

Champ Kind:
It is anchorMAN, not anchorLADY! And that is a scientific fact.

Brick Tamland:
I don't know what we're yelling about!

Brian Fantana:
You're with us, Ron, what do you think?

Ron Burgundy:
She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!

Brick Tamland:
LOUD NOISES!

Ron Burgundy:
Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

Veronica Corningstone:
No, there's no way that's correct.

Ron Burgundy:
I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Veronica Corningstone:
Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?

Ron Burgundy:
No. No.

Veronica Corningstone:
No, that's - that's what it means. Really.

Ron Burgundy:
Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy:
I'm going to punch you in the ovary, a straight shot right to the babymaker.

Veronica Corningstone:
For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Ron Burgundy:
And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go f*** yourself, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy:
Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!

Champ Kind:
It jumped up a notch!

Ron Burgundy:
It did, didn't it?

Brick Tamland:
Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!

Ron Burgundy:
I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?

Brick Tamland:
Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!

Ron Burgundy:
Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Ron Burgundy:
Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?

Brick Tamland:
I don't know.

Champ Kind:
What's this?

Wes Mantooth:
Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.

Ron Burgundy:
Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.

Wes Mantooth:
Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!

Brick Tamland:
Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?

Wes Mantooth:
What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.

Champ Kind:
I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

Wes Mantooth:
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

Ron Burgundy:
Hey leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.

Wes Mantooth:
That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and other things of that nature.

Ron Burgundy:
I guess I have to take you at your word, No.2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.

Wes Mantooth:
Son of a b*tch!

Ron Burgundy:
Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.

Brian Fantana:
Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.

Ron Burgundy:
Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

Veronica Corningstone:
You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?

Ron Burgundy:
I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!

Veronica Corningstone:
I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.

Ron Burgundy:
I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. ?Veronica had a very funny joke today.? I laughed at it later that night!

Veronica Corningstone:
I can't believe that I cared for you!

Ron Burgundy:
Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!

Veronica Corningstone:
You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Brick Tamland:
I ate a big, red candle.

Brian Fantana:
That was one crazy party. I am hung over.

Champ Kind:
I woke up on the floor of some Japanesse family's living room, and they would NOT stop screaming!

Brick Tamland:
I ate a big, red candle.

Ron Burgundy:
The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...

Ron Burgundy:
and see if she likes the goods.

Wes Mantooth:
I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you!

Veronica Corningstone:
Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.

Ron Burgundy:
Big deal! I am very professional!

Veronica Corningstone:
Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

Ron Burgundy:
I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN!

Veronica Corningstone:
You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!

Ron Burgundy:
I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Ron Burgundy:
Great Odin's raven!

Spanish Anchor:
Policia!

Announcer:
You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.

Veronica Corningstone:
Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.

Ron Burgundy:
And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

Ron Burgundy:
The human torch was denied a bank loan.

Veronica Corningstone:
I told you that I wanted to be an anchor...

Ron Burgundy:
I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary - Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night!

Ron Burgundy:
It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.

Ron Burgundy:
Son of a bee-sting!

Brick Tamland:
Where'd you get those clothes from, the toilet store?

Ron Burgundy:
You stay classy, San Diego.

Brick Tamland:
I pooped a hammer.

Brick Tamland:
I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.

Wes Mantooth:
I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?

Spanish Anchor:
Como estas, b*tches?

Brian Fantana:
I think I was in love once.

Ron Burgundy:
Really? What was her name?

Brian Fantana:
I don't remember.

Ron Burgundy:
That's not a good start, but keep going...

Brian Fantana:
She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Ron Burgundy:
I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Brian Fantana:
Damn it!

Brick Tamland:
I love... carpet.

Brick Tamland:
I love... desk.

Ron Burgundy:
Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland:
I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy:
Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland:
I love lamp! I love lamp.

Brick Tamland:
I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

Angry Biker:
I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!

Ron Burgundy:
If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.

Public TV News Anchor:
Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy!

Ron Burgundy:
I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.

Ron Burgundy:
Knights of Columbus, that hurt!

Ron Burgundy:
Look, it's the most glorious rainbow ever.

Veronica Corningstone:
Do me on it!

Veronica Corningstone:
Mr. Burgundy! You have a massive erection!

Ron Burgundy:
By the beard of Zeus!

Ron Burgundy:
I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.

Brian Fantana:
It's called Sex Panther by Odeon; it's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

Wes Mantooth:
What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beatdown.

Champ Kind:
I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

Wes Mantooth:
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

Ron Burgundy:
Hey, leave the mothers out of this - all right?; it's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.

Brick Tamland:
I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.

Brian Fantana:
So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.

Ron Burgundy:
Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Bill Lawson:
Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.

Ron Burgundy:
Hey Garth! How's the divorce?

Garth Holliday:
Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...

Ron Burgundy:
FAN-tastic.

Brian Fantana:
People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Spanish Anchor:
Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.

Ron Burgundy:
You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

Frank Vitchard:
Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place

Ron Burgundy:
Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!

Ron Burgundy:
Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament

Brick Tamland:
Um, no, no? too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.

Brick Tamland:
Sorry, Champ, I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Ed:
Listen up. The ratings just came in for last month. We are number one. We just grabbed every key demographic.

[Everyone cheers.]

Brian:
Yeah! Yeah!

Ron:
Super duper, gang! Super duper! That's nice! Way to go! Neat-o, gang.

Brick:
Yes!

Ron:
Boy, Ed, that is good news. I gotta be honest.

[Ron and Ed shake hands and hug.]

Ed:
Congrats, congrats.

Ron:
That is good news!

Brian:
All right!

[Garth lights Ed's cigar.]

Ed:
[to Garth] Stick around. Make sure these guys don't party too much.

Garth:
Uh, they don't ever really listen to me, Ed.

Ed:
Just get it done.

Garth:
Okay.

Ron:
Hello.

Veronica:
Hello.

Ron:
Hope I'm not disturbing you, but, uh, I saw you from across the party, and, uh, I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breathtaking heinie. I mean, that thing is good. I wanna be with friends with it.

Veronica:
Well, you certainly know how to compliment a woman. Now, if you'll excuse me.

[She starts to leave.]

Ron:
Do you know who I am?

Veronica:
No, I - I can't say that I do.

Ron:
I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.

Veronica:
Really?

Ron:
People know me.

Veronica:
Well, I'm very happy for you.

Ron:
I'm very important. Uh, I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I - I - I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too. He's - comes over on occasion.

[He laughs.]

Ron:
That's stupid.

Veronica:
No, no, that's . . . very exciting.

Ron:
Listen, can - can I start over again?

Veronica:
Sure.

Ron:
I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. And if you like, you can take it. If you don't, send it right back. I wanna be on you.

[Veronica leaves.]

Ron:
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I . . . I wanna be on you.

Brian:
Oh, that was one crazy party. I am hung over!

Champ:
Tell me about it. I woke up this morning, and I sh*t a squirrel. I mean it. Literally. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive. So, I got this sh*t-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don't know what to name it.

Brick:
Aw, I'm sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

[Garth and Ed enter the conference room.]

Garth:
All right, guys. Let's focus up.

Ed:
Morning, everyone. Here are the stories we're gonna be chasing today. It looks like Ling Wong, the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo, is pregnant.

Garth:
This is a big one.

Ed:
Now, this could be the big story of the summer. Network is gonna be wanting plenty of coverage. And speaking of network, word on the street is they're looking for a new anchor. So, Ron -

[Ron wakes up.]

Ron:
Huh? Network? Are they here?

Ed:
In addition, a lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.

Champ:
What in the hell's diversity?

[Ron clears his throat.]

Ron:
Well, I - I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, Diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

[Ron and Brick nod.]

Someone in the conference room:
That's right.

Ed:
Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try. Uh, diversity means that times are changing, and with that in mind - Ron, are you paying attention?

Ron:
Nope.

Ed:
Well, this concerns all of us.

Ron:
Okay.

Brian:
I mean, come on, Ed, it's bullcrap! D - Don't get me wrong, I loves the ladies. I mean, they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!

Champ:
It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact!

Brian:
Uh-huh.

Brick:
I don't know what we're yelling about!

Brian:
You're with us, Ron. What do you think?

Ron:
Sh*t! Sh-- it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!

Brian:
Mm-hmm.

Brick:
Loud noises!

Ed:
All right, everyone relax. She's not gonna take anyone's airtime, okay?

Brick:
I heard somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.

Brian:
Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now, you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Champ:
I will say one thing for her, Ed. She does have a nice, big old behind.

[He laughs.]

Champ:
I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that butt and just bite, bite, bite, bite, munch, munch, munch! Ah-woo!

[Ed and Brian are cracking up.]

Ed:
Stop it! Oh, Jesus.

[Champ continues barking and does not see Veronica enter the room. Ed and Brian stop laughing upon realizing that she is there.]

Champ:
Oh, oh, oh, look at the full-moon butt! Look at it!

[He continues barking.]

Brian:
Champ! Champ! Champ, Champ!

[Brian motions to Champ to be quiet, and Champ turns and sees Veronica and becomes silent.]

Veronica Corningstone:
Mr. Harkin, I was just wondering if you knew when my office would be ready.

Edward "Ed" Harkin:
Well, that might take some time. For now, why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?

Ron:
You can use my office! Then, afterwards, maybe we can go to lunch!

Ed:
Lower your voice, Ron.

Ron:
Mm-hm!

Veronica:
All right. Well, thank you, Mr. Harkin. I'll go get my desk set up.

[Veronica leaves Ed's office, and Champ and Brian crack up again.]

Champion "Champ" Kind:
Oh, she is a saucy mama!

Champ:
What's this?

Wes:
Well, well, well. Ron Burgundy and the Channel Four News team.

Ron:
Hello, Wes Mantooth. Hello, Evening News team.

Wes:
Hey, nice clothes, gentlemen. I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale.

[Wes and his news team laugh, and Wes flicks his cigarette at Ron.]

Wes:
Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!

[They continue laughing.]

Brick:
Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?

We:
What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.

Champ:
I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

[Wes's colleagues are forced to restrain an enraged Wes while Brick restrains Champ. Ron puts himself between Champ and Wes]

Wes:
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

Ron:
Hey, leave the mothers out of this. All right?

[Ron adjusts Champ's collar while Brian makes fighting motions at the Evening News team.]

Ron:
It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.

[Brian winces.]

Brian:
Ooh!

[He laughs.]

Wes:
That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have, uh, more than two television sets and other - other things of that nature.

Ron:
I guess I have to take you at your word, number two.

[Ron, Brian, Champ, and Brick laugh at this, and Brian holds up a number two sign on his hand.]

Ron:
You have a great day, fellas. We'll see you around the bend.

[They walk off while Wes hits his news team's van.]

Wes:
Son of a b*tch!

Brian:
Excusez-moi, numéro two.

Wes:
Hey, Burgundy. You know those sample audiences aren't big enough! Stop hiding behind those phony numbers, Burgundy! I'm coming after you! I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you! [to his news team] Can't say - can't say one word? Even the guy who can't think says something! You just stand there? Come on!

[Champ walks up to Veronica Corningstone's desk.]

Champ:
Let me just grab this.

[He pretends to grab a pencil but tries grabbing her breast instead.]

Champ:
Oh, sorry about that. Whammy.

[He starts walking away.]

Veronica:
Hmm. Uh, Champ?

Champ:
Yeah?

Veronica:
You're trying to touch my breast, aren't you?

Champ:
What can I say? I like the way you're put together. What do you say we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex. You know, see what happens?

Veronica:
Oh, let me get this over here.

[She punches Champ in the groin, causing him to groan in pain.]

Veronica:
Oh, sorry.

[She grabs a tape dispenser.]

Veronica:
There it is.

Ron:
Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel Four News exclusive. Brian?

Brian:
Panda Watch! The mood is tense. I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I, uh, Ching King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said "No, you can't do that, he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off." [to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, panda jerk!

Ron:
Great story. Compelling and rich. Well, that's going to do it for all of us here at Channel Four News. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Ed:
Damn it! Who typed a question mark on the teleprompter? For the last time, anything you put on that prompter, Burgundy will read!

Brian:
Well, I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance.

[Brian and Ron.]

Brian:
Time to musk up.

[He opens the door to reveal different types of colognes.]

Ron:
Wow. Never ceases to amaze me.

[He laughs.]

Ron:
What cologne are you gonna go with? London Gentleman or . . . wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight?

Brian:
No. She gets a special cologne. It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. Yep. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

Ron:
It's quite pungent.

Brian:
Oh yeah.

Ron:
It's a formidable scent.

[He cringes while Brian daubs the cologne on his neck.]

Ron:
It stings the nostrils.

[He laughs.]

Ron:
In a good way.

Brian:
Yeah.

Ron:
Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you. That smells like pure gasoline.

Brian:
They've done studies, you know? 60% of the time, it works every time.

Ron:
That doesn't make any sense.

Brian:
Well, let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

[Brian growls, leaves the office, and approaches Veronica.]

Brian:
Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.

Veronica:
My God. What is that smell? Oh!

Brian:
That's the smell of desire, my lady.

Veronica:
God no, it smells like - like a used diaper filled with Indian food. Oh! Excuse me.

Brian:
You know, desire smells like that to some people.

[Other people start reacting to the cologne.]

News station employee:
What is that? It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!

[Another woman passes by Brian and reacts in disgust.]

Woman:
It smells like Bigfoot's dick!

[Almost all of the employees flee the office to avoid the smell, and a woman starts screaming. Brian looks at his watch.]

Brian:
Oh.

[The smell is so strong that it sets off the fire alarm. Brian tries acting casual and walks away.]

Brian:
Oh, what's that smell, huh?

[The scene cuts to Brian being jet-hosed in the parking lot.]

Hoser:
This is worse than the time the raccoon got in the copier!

[Brick makes a fake cough.]

Brick:
Cough. Look over here. Excuse me, Veronica.

Veronica:
Yes, what is it, Brick?

Brick:
I would like to extend to you, an invitation to the Pants Party.

Veronica:
Excuse me?

Brick:
The party, the pants, party with the pants?

Veronica:
Brick, are you saying that there is a party in your pants and that I'm invited?

Brick:
That's it.

Veronica:
Mm. Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?

Brick:
No, yes, he did.

Veronica:
Okay. No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants.

Brick:
Very well.

[He turns to Ian.]

Brick:
Ian! Would you like to go to a party in my pants?

Ian:
No, Brick.

Brick:
All right. Let's go!

Champ:
[on Veronica Corningstone] I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.

[Brian laughs.]

Brian:
A real ice queen.

[Brick drinks some coffee.]

Brick:
Mm. I just burned my tongue.

Ron:
The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show.

[He holds up his arms and kisses each one.]

Ron:
Let's see if she likes the goods.

Ron:
I friggin' love you!

Veronica:
I friggin' love you back!

Ron:
Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!

Veronica:
Oh, do me on it!

Ron:
Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and we are now in love! Did I say that loud?

Brian:
Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

Ron:
Well, I don't care. It's fantastic!

Champ:
What's it like, Ron?

Ron:
The intimate times? Outta sight, my man!

Brian:
No, the other thing. Love.

Brick:
Yeah. What is that?

Brian:
I think I was in love once.

Ron:
Really? What was her name?

Brian:
I don't remember.

Ron:
That's not a good start, but keep going.

Brian:
She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart, and we made out for hours. Then, we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Ron:
Brian, I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Brian:
Damn it!

Brick:
I love carpet.

[Ron nods understandingly.]

Brick:
I love desk.

Ron:
Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick:
I love lamp.

Ron:
Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying that because you saw it?

Brick:
I- I love lamp! I love lamp.

Ron:
You really want to know what love is?

[Champ nods his head.]

Champ:
Yeah.

Brian:
Yes! Tell us!

Brick:
More than anything in the world, Ron!

Ron:
Well, it's really quite simple. It's kinda like...

[He starts singing "Afternoon Delight".]

Ron:
"Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been 'when it's right, it's right', why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?"

[Champ, Brian, and Brick join in.]

Everyone:
"When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. And, we know the night is always gonna be here anyway!"

Brick and Brian:
"Thinking of you's workin' up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite, and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting, sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight."

[Ron stops singing.]

Ron:
You guys have it.

[Everyone sings.]

Everyone:
"Afternoon delight!"

[Champ, Brian, and Brick stop singing.]

Champ:
I dunno, Ron. That sounds kinda crazy.

Brian:
Sounds like you have mental problems, man.

Brick:
Yeah, you got mental problems, man.

Brian:
Yeah, it really does.

Brick:
Man.

[Everyone sings.]

Everyone:
"Afternoon delight!"

Champ:
The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News team.

Ron:
That's a given. That's a given.

Champ:
We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. [He laughs brokenly.] I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!

Brian:
Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

Ron:
Yeah, sit the next couple plays out, if you know what I mean.

Motorcyclist:
What do you love?

Ron:
I love poetry and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.

Motorcyclist:
Well, now, guess what, this is happening.

[He grabs Baxter.]

Ron:
Excuse me, excuse me, what are you doing?

[The motorcyclist punts Baxter over bridge.]

Motorcyclist:
That's how I roll!

Ron:
Baxter! [gasps.] NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Brian:
Where are you, Ron?

Ron:
I'm in a glass case of emotion!

[Veronica picks up the phone.]

Veronica:
Veronica Corningstone.

Ron:
Hello. This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy results here, and guess what? You, you got knocked up, so you should probably get out of news.

Veronica:
Who is this?

Ron:
This is Dr. Chim. Dr. Chim Richalds. Richalds.

Veronica:
Is this you, Ron?

Ron:
I'm a professional doctor. You saw me. You don't remember. You were drunk. You should - you should go, you should get out of news.

Veronica:
This is pathetic.

Ron:
You're pathetic.

[He hangs up.]

Champ:
How'd it go?

Ron:
I think she bought it.

Ron Burgundy:
How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin. La - Lanolin? Like - like sheep's wool?

Ron Burgundy:
The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

Ron Burgundy:
Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well, if you were a man, I would punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.

Ron Burgundy:
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is what's happening in your world tonight. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

Ron Burgundy:
For all of us here at News Center Four, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy:
[to Baxter] Yoo-hoo! [clears throat] Baxter! Papa's home. There he is. There's my little man. You're okay? O - Of course, I met a lady tonight. This one was different. I have to be honest. Quite different. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely! I - I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego. Wow. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. [laughs] You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole . . . wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? It's actually - I'm not even mad. That's amazing. [laughs again] I forgive you. What do you say we get you in your PJs and we hit the hay? Huh? Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on.

Ron Burgundy:
[to Brian Fantana] “We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now...and in no way is that depressing.”

Ron Burgundy:
I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance 'til the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited!

Ron Burgundy:
By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!

Veronica Corningstone:
[voiceover, after witnessing the sexism exhibited by the news team] Huh, here we go again. Every station, it's the same. Women ask me how I put up with it. Well, the truth is, I don't really have a choice. This is definitely a man's world. But while they're laughing and grab-assing, I'm chasing down leads and practicing my non-regional diction. Because the only way to win is to be the best. The very best.

Brian Fantana:
It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Champion "Champ" Kind:
Champ here. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catchphrase, "Whammy!" As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate . . . and whammy!" Whammy!

Champion "Champ" Kind:
I woke up this morning on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would not stop screaming!

Brick Tamland:
[from the outtakes] I pooped a tape recorder.

Brick Tamland:
[from the outtakes] I pooped a Cornish game hen. Uh . . . [laughs] Nope.

Edward "Ed" Harken:
[on the phone] Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase. I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults. We've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? O - Of course you haven't. How stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right, I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

Edward "Ed" Harken:
[to Veronica Corningstone] Apparently, my son was on something called acid and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd. You know how kids are!

Arturo Mendez:
Como éstan, b*tches! Spanish language news is here. Tonight's top story: the sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.

Narrator:
[voiceover] There was a time, a time before cable, when the local anchorman reigned supreme, when people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.

Narrator:
[voiceover] When the clock struck six, it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy and his news team: go time.

Arturo Mendez:
Policia!