And Now for Something Completely Different

Customer:
Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Owner:
Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Customer:
"VOOM"? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner:
No no! 'E's pining!

Customer:
'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!

Sergeant-Major:
Now, I would just like to point out that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become SILLY. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do... except, perhaps my wife... and some of her friends. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point! I'm warning this film NOT to get SILLY again! Right!

Sergeant-Major:
Right! Stop that! It's SILLY. Very SILLY indeed! Started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men, but now it's just got SILLY! His hair's too long for a vicar, too, and you can tell those are not proper keep-left signs! CLEAR OUT, THE LOT OF YOU!

Mungo the Cook:
You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honorable man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! Oh... it makes me mad...

Mungo the Cook:
Mad! Stark, stirring... MAD!

Announcer:
These rabbits have been carefully staked to the ground, so they won't move around as much, as this is only a one-day event.

Announcer:
In 1945, peace broke out.

Interviewer:
I didn't really call you "Eddie baby" did I, sweetie?

Sir Edward Ross:
Don't call me sweetie!

Interviewer:
Can I call you Sugarplum?

Sir Edward Ross:
No!

Interviewer:
Pussycat?

Sir Edward Ross:
No!

Interviewer:
Angel Drawers?

Sir Edward Ross:
No, you may not! Now get on with it.

Emcee:
Thank you, thank you, Conrad Poohs and his exploding teeth! A smile, two fangs, and an "excuse me!"

Announcer:
And now for something completely different.

Bevis:
I didn't want to do this, you know. I wanted to be a lumberjack!

Mr. Praline:
Yes, this is irrelevant.

Bevis:
Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The smell of fresh cut timber! The giant redwood! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing!

Bevis:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK/I sleep all night and I work all day.

Bevis:
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory/On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.

Bevis:
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers/I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.

Bevis:
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra/I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.

Bevis:
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!

Best Girl:
Oh, Bevis! And I though you were so butch!

Mr. Praline:
Mt. Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. It's rather steep till it gets to the top but then it starts to slope away rather sharply...