Armageddon

Chick:
I've never told anyone this before, but I hate flying. So it would be an awful shame to die now.

Rockhound:
You think that's bad? I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds.

Chick:
Boy, that's bad.

Chick:
Man, what are you doing with a gun in space?

F.B.I. Agent:
Sir, we have a national security matter.

Rockhound:
Good for you.

Lev Andropov:
Don't touch my uncle! He is the genius of my family. He used to make the tip of the bomb, you know? That finds New York or Washington?

Ronald Quincy:
I know the presidents' chief advisor, we were at MIT together. And, at this point in time, you really don't want to take advice from a man who got a C minus in astrophysics. The presidents' advisors are wrong. I am right.

A.J.:
Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?

Lev Andropov:
No, I never saw Star Wars.

Colonel William Sharp:
Do you swear on your daughter's life, on my family's life, that you can hit that mark?

Grace Stamper:
I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you.

President:
We didn't see this thing coming?

Dan:
Well, our object collison budget's about a million dollars. That allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and beg'n your pardon sir, but it's a big-ass sky.

Rockhound:
This is so much fun, it's freaky!

Rockhound:
Well it's about time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour.

Harry Stamper:
I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna take a foot off of him. A man can work with one foot.

Harry Stamper:
How long've you worked for me?

A.J.:
Five - wonderful - years.

Harry Stamper:
In five years you have never apologized to me this quickly. Something's going on here, I'm gonna find out what it is.

Max:
God, it sucks up here.

General Kimsey:
The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.

Grace Stamper:
Listen, Harry, A.J. is my choice - my choice and not yours.

Harry Stamper:
He's the only one in your age bracket, Grace. That's not a choice, that's a lack of options.

Oscar:
I'm great, I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more. It could be, it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense, it's so - confused. I can't really figure it out.

Oscar:
Can you make mine really tight, cos I don't wanna fall out. I mean, almost to the point of cutting off circulation.

Harry Stamper:
What's your contingency plan?

Truman:
Contingency plan?

Harry Stamper:
Your backup plan. You gotta have some kind of backup plan, right?

Truman:
No, we don't have a back up plan, this is, uh...

Harry Stamper:
And this is the best that you c - that the government, the *U.S. government* could come up with? I mean, you're NASA for crying out loud, you put a man on the moon, you're geniuses! You're the guys that're thinking sh*t up! I'm sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking sh*t up and somebody backing them up! You're telling me you don't have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here, that is the world's hope, that's what you're telling me?

Truman:
Yeah.

Harry Stamper:
The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no?

Chick:
20 years, I've never turned you down once. Not about to start now. I'm there.

Harry Stamper:
Houson, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I was coming home. Now I don't know WHAT you people are doing down there, but we've got a hole to dig up here!

Karl:
Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right?

Dan:
Yes, yes that's right, that's right.

Karl:
I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking b*tch from which there is no escape.

Rockhound:
Guess what guys, it's time to embrace the horror! Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth!

A.J.:
You know what I was thinking?

Grace Stamper:
What?

A.J.:
I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.

Grace Stamper:
Why?

A.J.:
Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, I mean well putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, i just...

Grace Stamper:
Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk.

A.J.:
Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

Colonel William Sharp:
Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Airforce, ma'am. Requesting the permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.

Colonel William Sharp:
United States astronauts train for years. You have twelve days.

Colonel William Sharp:
Talk about the wrong stuff.

A.J.:
You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg.

Chick:
Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking.

Grace Stamper:
First time I got my period, Rock had to take me to Tai-Pei for Tampax. Then he had to show me how to use them.

Rockhound:
I told her how to use them. I didn't show her, Harry.

Rockhound:
You want to compare brainpans? I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princton for two and a half years. Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and they let me use explosives, ok?

Harry Stamper:
Come on, God, just a little help. It's all I'm asking.

Max:
I think we're close enough, He might have heard ya.

Oscar:
This is deep blue hero stuff.

President:
I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as a leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day 'armageddon' - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us tonight need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrong and the discord; through all of the pain and he suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you.

Colonel William Sharp:
Get off... the nuclear... warhead.

Rockhound:
God, I hate knowing everything.

Rockhound:
You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?

Max:
Something's wrong.

Rockhound:
Yeah man, it's ALL wrong. We shouldn't even be up here.

Rockhound:
Wow. Got a great view of the Earth from here. Too bad we'll never set foot on her again.

Rockhound:
I don't want to be the materialistic weasel here, but do you think we'll get hazard pay for this?

Dr. Banks:
One toxicology screen showed traces of ketamin. That is a very powerful sedative.

Harry Stamper:
Sedatives are often used, Doctor.

Dr. Banks:
Well this one's used on horses!

A.J.:
If anybody's anybody, I'm Hans and you're Chewbacca.

Oscar:
Chewy? Have you ever seen Star Wars?

Chick:
I just came here to drill.

Helga the Nurse:
Oh! so did I.

A.J.:
This is great. We just happen to run into the Grand Canyon on the asteroid.

Lev Andropov:
I told you, you took the wrong way, the wrong road.

A.J.:
What? What road? Do you see any roads here?

Lev Andropov:
You know what, I do not have much pleasure being near God's ear, but you think this is looking good or what?

A.J.:
Lev, why don't you do humanity a favour and just shut the hell up?

Max:
Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm going to stab you in the heart with it. You ever see Pulp Fiction?

Harry Stamper:
AJ, I have only five words for you: Damn glad to see you boy!

A.J.:
That's six words.

Lev Andropov:
I'm stepping outside.

A.J.:
You're, you're going outside?

Lev Andropov:
I am the ONLY certified astronaut here. I am saving your American a**!

Oscar:
This is space! See this is just the beginning part of space, we haven't even got to *outer* space yet!

Karl:
Hey honey? Get my phone book, get those names of those guys from NASA.

Dottie:
Excuse me? Am I wearing a sign that says "Karl's slave" anywhere?

Karl:
Go get my goddamn phone book! Get the book! Get the book! Get the book!

Rockhound:
Woman with large breasts... woman with medium breasts...

Rockhound:
This one looks like you... *with* breasts.

Rockhound:
"Wow. This is a god dam Greek tragedy."

Rockhound:
What's wrong?

Colonel William Sharp:
We've got a busted ship.

Rockhound:
A BUSTED SHIP? And I'm strapped in this chair? I had a good spot picked out there!

Harry Stamper:
Quincy! Somebody tell me what this is. Plastic ice cream scoop? What'd that cost? About $400.

Narrator:
This is the Earth, at a time when the dinosaurs ruled a lush and fertile planet.

Narrator:
A piece of rock just 6 miles wide changed all that.

Narrator:
It hit with the force of 10,000 nuclear weapons. A trillion tons of rock and dust were thrown into the atmosphere, creating a cloud the sun was powerless to penetrate for a thousand years. It happened before. It will happen again. It's just a question of when.

Rockhound:
Harry! I swear to God man, she never told me her age.

Harry Stamper:
It's alright, relax. It's about me.

Rockhound:
Oh.

Rockhound:
Forget it!

Bear:
So, did NASA find something growing on Uranus?

Oscar:
Ok, Mr. Truman, let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there?

Truman:
200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that.

Oscar:
Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable.

Grace Stamper:
Baby, do you think its possible that there's someone doing this very same thing at this very same time?

A.J.:
I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?

Truman:
This is one order you shouldn't follow and you f***ing know it.

Rockhound:
Harry, this is illegal man

Harry Stamper:
I'm temporarily insane, Rock, it's all right.

Rockhound:
Okay, Cyclops Lady is starting to bug me.

Lev Andropov:
This is how we fix things on Russian space station!

Oscar:
I tell you one thing that really drives me nuts, is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.

Dr. Banks:
Who's Jethro Tull?

Colonel William Sharp:
My God, he's got... space dementia.

Grace Stamper:
Well, I lied to you too... when I said I didn't want to be like you, because I am like you. Everything good in me I have from you.

Rockhound:
You are SO messin' with national security right now, man! You are FIRED tomorrow morning, I'm tellin' ya! I'll get the CIA and the FBI, you'll be workin' security at Toys R' Us!

Lev Andropov:
I'm a real Russian hero.

Harry Stamper:
We win, Gracie.

President:
What is this thing?

Truman:
It's an asteroid, sir.

President:
How big are we talking?

Scientist:
Sir, our best estimate is 97.6 billion–

Truman:
It's the size of Texas, Mr. President.

President:
Dan, we didn't see this thing coming?

Truman:
Well, our object collision budget's about a million dollars a year. That allows us to track about three percent of the sky, and begging your pardon, sir, but it's a big-ass sky.

Gen. Kimsey:
And the ones this morning?

Truman:
Uh, those were nothing. Those were the size of basketballs and Volkswagens, things like that.

President:
Is this, going to hit us?

Truman:
We're efforting that as we speak, sir.

President:
What kind of damage will this do?

Truman:
Damage? Total, sir. It's what we call a global killer. The end of mankind. Doesn't matter where it hits, nothing would survive, not even bacteria.

President:
My God. What do we do?

[The team are listing their conditions for going on the mission]

Truman:
So what's the verdict?

Harry Stamper:
They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.

Truman:
Such as?

Stamper:
[riffles through sheets of paper] Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.

Oscar:
[shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states...

Stamper:
[to Oscar] I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.

Oscar:
Okay.

Stamper:
Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens, no questions asked. Max would like you to...bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya? [Truman and the General look at him] Didn't think so. Um, Bear would like to stay at the... [tries to read writing] "White horse"? [looks up at Bear]

Bear:
White. House. White House.

Stamper:
White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.

Truman:
Sure, I think we can, uh, take care of... some of that.

Rockhound:
[shouting from balcony] Harry!

Stamper:
[motions back at Rockhound] Yeah, one more thing, um...none of them wanna pay taxes again. Ever. [Kimsey and Truman stare at Harry, who smirks and shrugs]

[Chick visits someone before getting back to prepare for the launch]

Denise:
What are you doing here?

Chick:
I was just passing by on the, uh, I came... [a boy comes onto the porch with a toy and sees Chick]

Tommy:
Who's he?

Denise:
That man's a salesman. Would you go inside? [Tommy obeys] Thank you.

Chick:
He got big.

Denise:
Can't come around like this. Court says you can't. Confuses him.

Chick:
No, I know. I just ... I wanted to say that I'm sorry ... about everything, and ... I got something coming up, some kinda big. You just might be proud of me. Would you do something for me? Would you just give him this? You don't have - you don't have to tell him who it's from, just... [puts a toy shuttle on the porch]

Truman:
Tell me you've never let anyone down.

Harry:
I haven't given up yet. How's that?

Truman:
I guess it'll do.

[after the asteroid landing goes wrong]

Rockhound:
We're in segment 202, lateral grid nine, site 15H32; give or take a few yards. Captain America here blew the landing by 26 miles!

Col. Sharp:
How the hell do you know that?

Rockhound:
Because I'm a genius.

Watts:
The gauges will not read. They're all peaked like we're plugged into some magnetic field.

Rockhound:
[sarcastically] Well, who on this spaceship wants to know why?

Gruber:
By all means.

Rockhound:
The reason we were shooting for grid eight, was because thermographics indicated that grid nine was compressed iron ferrite...which means you've landed us on a goddamn iron plate!

[during the standoff with the bomb]

Harry:
For God's sakes, think about what you're doin'. Why are you listening to someone a hundred thousand miles away? We're here. No one down there can help us and if we don't get this job done, then everybody's gone.

Chick:
One minute.

Harry:
I have been drilling holes in the earth for thirty years. And I have never, never missed a depth that I have aimed for. And by God, I am not gonna miss this one, I will make 800 feet.

Chick:
Forty-two seconds.

Harry:
But I can't do it alone, Colonel. I need your help.

Col. Sharp:
You swear on your daughter's life, on my family's, that you can hit that mark?

Harry:
I will make 800 feet. I swear to God I will.

Col. Sharp:
Then let's turn this bomb off.

[AJ has drawn the short straw and Harry accompanies him to set up the bomb]

AJ:
Tell Grace that I'll, I'll always be with her. Can you do that?

Harry:
Yeah. Okay, kid. [pulls AJ's air hose out and rips off his own mission badge and hands it to AJ] Give this to Truman! Make sure Truman gets that! Get in there. [pushes AJ back into the hatch and closes the door] It's my turn now.

AJ:
Harry! You can't do this to me! It's my job!

Harry:
You go take care of my little girl now. That's your job. Always thought of you as a son. Always. But I'd be damn proud to have you marry Grace.

AJ:
Harry...

Harry:
You take care of yourself. [pushes a button sending the hatch up] I love you, pal.

AJ:
No wait, Harry I love you! Harry don't do this! I love you! No wait a minute!

Harry:
My son.

Grace Stamper:
[talking to Harry on the monitor] Daddy?

Harry Stamper:
Hi Gracey. Hi honey. Grace, I know I promised you I was coming home.

Grace:
I don't under- understand.

Harry:
Looks like I'm gonna have to break that promise.

Grace:
I, um, I lied to you too, when I told you that I didn't wanna be like you...because I am like you. Everything good that I have inside of me, I have from you. I love you so much, Daddy. And I'm so proud of you, I'm so scared. So scared.

Harry:
I know it, baby. But there won't be anything to be scared of soon. Gracey, I want you to know that A.J. saved us. He did. I want you to tell Chick, that I couldn't have done it without him. None of it. I want you to take care of A.J. I want to see your granddad come so far from up here, Grace. He told me that God gives us children so we could have roses in December. He gave me a gardenful, a whole gardenful, Gracie. He really did. I wish I could be there to walk you down the aisle. But I'll... I'll look in on you from time to time, okay honey? I love you, Grace.

Grace:
I love you too.

Harry:
Gotta go now honey.

Grace:
Daddy, no! [touches screen as Harry cuts the video feed] No. No dad, no!

Harry Stamper:
[After Freedom's Armadillo is destroyed] Get a hold of Truman, prepare the world for bad news.

Dan Truman:
[addressing staff on the NASA flight center network after the space shuttle Atlantis is destroyed] Okay, I want three groups. One: internal malfunction; get the log tape and start working back; maybe it's a glitch. Two: I want NORAD, Space Command and the 50th Tactical comparing all the space junk you tracked in every orbit. I want you to check, re-check and then do it all over again. Number three: wild cards, anything and everything alright? Now, Big Russ, I want you to get on the phone and wake up 11,000 people. Walt, get 'em going.

Dan Truman:
[briefing Harry and Grace Stamper on the situation] When the rogue comet went through the asteroid belt, it sent shrapnel right for us. For the next 11 days, the Earth's in a shooting gallery. Even if the asteroid itself hits the water, it's still hitting land, it'll flashboil millions of gallons of seawater and slam into the ocean bedrock. Now if it's a Pacific Ocean impact, which we think it will be, it will create a tidal wave about three miles high, travelling a thousand miles an hour, covering California and washing up in Denver. Japan is gone, Australia is wiped out. Half of the Earth's population will be incinerated by the heat blast, the rest will freeze to death in a nuclear winter.