Atop the Fourth Wall

[repeated line]

Linkara:
I am a man!

[repeated line]

Linkara:
This comic sucks!

[repeated line]

Linkara:
It's magic.

Linkara:
[in German accent] Of course. Don't you know anything about science?

Linkara:
Because poor literacy is cool.

Linkara:
Wait. What?

Linkara:
[Repeated line] Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn.

Linkara:
[Whenever a Frank Miller comic is spotlighted] Say... [looks at pocket watch] It's Miller Time.

Linkara:
She went on a trip across centuries from caves to eternity? Hope she brought a lunch.

Linkara:
If a monolith talks to a hungry cavewoman near some volcanoes, does it make a sound?

Linkara:
Because as you know, Mr. Anderson, it is purpose that created us.

Dr. Insano:
Purpose that connects us.

Nostalgia Chick:
Purpose that pulls us.

Benzaie:
That guides us.

Bargo:
That drives us.

LordKat:
That defines.

Bennett the Sage:
It is purpose that binds us.

Linkara:
We're here because of you, Mr. Anderson, we're here to take from you- [looks around] Wait, where the hell did you all come from?

Dr. Linksano:
For example, in my universe, Wayne Brady is black!

The Spoony One:
[as Nostalgia Chick] Yeah, the slow ass route. Hey, do I look weird to you?

Linkara:
[as MarzGurl] No, just as masculine as ever. [Spoony, still as Nostalgia Chick, promptly fondles "herself" then feels "her" face]

Linkara:
That son of a b*tch wants America to oppose Hitler! Stop him Superman!

Superman:
[voiced by Linkara] You're not fighting a woman now...

Linkara:
...Because I AM A MAN! [punches then pulls Iron Liz out onto the couch] Liz, where the heck did you come from?

Iron Liz:
[bewildered] I don't know.

Superman:
[has just rescued Big Barda from Sleez] You have me at a disadvantage, miss. I don't think I know you, unless you're Wonder Woman under all that glop.

Linkara:
Excuse me?

Superman:
Unless you're Wonder Woman under all that glop.

Linkara:
Up yours, you sanctimonious prick! The woman has held hostage for two days, doing God knows what, and the first thing you say to her is about her heavy make-up; which sounds like a veiled insult to her looking like a prostitute? Seriously, go to hell!

Linkara:
Oh goody, an exploitation Superman porno movie. This is like something the Cinema Snob should be reviewing.

Cinema Snob:
My Snob sense is tingling.

Bennett the Sage:
[talking with French accent] After I kill Benzaie and Sad Panda, then I will be the only French person on this site.

Bums:
Garbage! More garbage!

Linkara:
Uh, let's see... Identity Crisis, Amazons Attack, Ultimates 3...

Linkara:
Barda then asks Supes why he stopped her from killing Sleez.

Superman:
I'm afraid I can't really give you an answer on that one.

Linkara:
Wow, Supes, you're a big help.

Linkara:
The Kool-Aid Man sees you when you're sleeping. [leans in closer] The Kool-Aid Man sees you in your nightmares.

Linkara:
The Kool-Aid Man is NOT cool.

Linkara:
[opening line] WHY? Why make a comic about the Kool-Aid Man?

Batman:
Sleep tight, my ward.

Dick Grayson:
Huh? What's that? What the hell is a ward?

Batman:
Shut up. I'll do the talking here.

Linkara:
Ooh, bat owned.

Batman:
What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!

Linkara:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have an internet meme!

Linkara:
Say... [looks at his watch] It's Miller time. Welcome to Miller Time, a new segment on the show where we chronicle the ever-growing insanity of comic book writer Frank Miller.

Linkara:
And so our first issues ends, and somewhere Bob Kane and Bill Finger are crying.

Vicki Vale:
I'm having a date with Bruce Wayne.

Linkara:
Wait, I can't follow this plotline. Is she on a date or something?

Vicki Vale:
Brutally. Brutally. It was brutal.

Linkara:
So, was it brutal?

Batman:
But first, the kid. Dick Grayson, age 12.

Linkara:
No, you a**hole. Don't interrogate him, interrogate the shooter!

Batman:
I knew these cops would take the boy to the gulch, so I set up my sonics. Bats like my sonics.

Linkara:
Personally, I always thought Knuckles was kinda cool, but I haven't played in a while so... what's that? Oh, well I much prefer talking about old Sega games than I do about this.

Linkara:
So only a scant hour from his parents being shot in front of him, Batman announced to Dick Grayson that he'd been drafted into a war. We open the book on a confusing angle of the Batmobile driving up a really tall hill, or a mountain, none of which I knew were near Gotham, overlooking the city below. Frank's schzophrenic writing is in full force here as he begins.

Batman:
From up here, Gotham City is beautiful.

Linkara:
Aw, well isn't that just nice and...

Batman:
Beautiful, like Edgar Allan Poe's sweet Lenore, before her small cough brought a spot of blood to her lip and the poet knew she was plagued. Doomed.

Linkara:
Show of hands, anybody else really freaked out right now?

Linkara:
The narration caption explains who this is: "Vicki Vale, columnist. Bearing witness"; Lewis Lovhaug, comic book reviewer. Bearing the pain of this comic.

Batman:
I guess somebody on the force put out a kill order on me. Cool. It's about damn time.

Linkara:
Ack, how many things are wrong with those sentences? First off, Batman NEVER says cool. He doesn't have to. He's so cool he doesn't need to acknowledge coolness anywhere else, besides the fact that he's too freakin' serious for it. Next, he's never going to be happy that the police are chasing him down. He wants to have a good relationship with the Gotham PD so they don't get in his way when he's trying to take down criminals.

Batman:
There's only one cop worth a damn in Gotham City, and he's nowhere near this case.

Linkara:
What's this? A reference to Jim Gordon in this fiasco? And here I was hoping he didn't exist anymore in Frank's confused little mind. Because there is no way in hell Gordon would ever agree with anything Crazy Steve has been doing here.

Linkara:
Crazy Steve, there's no place in the world that needs you. They need Batman, not the lunatic who's using his name.

Linkara:
In 1985, Frank Miller said that Batman is as good and pure a superhero as you can find. Well twenty years later, he seemed to have forgotten that. The Batman in this book is unheroic, psychotic and at some parts seems pedophilic even.

Linkara:
Dick Grayson echoes my own sentiments as he cracks and then the Batman that Frank Miller wrote, the guy who caught Carrie Kelly in the air and told her she was a good soldier, the guy who once tried to rescue a cat from some shooting police officers, promptly slaps Dick Grayson!

Linkara:
As if Frank suddenly realized that nothing so far has made us want to empathize with the hobo wearing Batman's costume, Dick speculates in his thoughts that Batman is so lonely in his world and that when he doesn't talk, it's so quiet in the Batmobile. More Sin City inspired lines ensue. He sucks air and for a second, it looks like he's got a razor blade stuck between his teeth. Um... eww. Then he talks and it sounds like every word he says is a jagged chunk of glass that scrapes his throat on its way out. And if you ever wanted a reason to not start smoking, kids!

Martha Kent:
Still, it wouldn't be bad if people knew a little more about Superman. I don't want anyone thinking you're like that nut in Gotham City.

Linkara:
[as drunk] Do you know who I am? You should know who I am. [normal voice] Sorry, Senator, but you haven't paid your tab in a month.

Linkara:
[as character in comic] She better be fine, Dorothy. She better be fine. [normal voice] What, haven't you heard of The Wizard of Oz book 'Dorothy and the Prostitute Village of Oz'?

Linkara:
The narration box let's us know: "The only people with any reason to be out this late are hookers or cops... and losers." Well you'd know all three of those, wouldn't you, Frank?

Linkara:
[about Batman] But enough of that scene, it's now time to check back in with the guy Frank Miller didn't care about the last issue. What, no interludes with The Flash, who in this I'm sure is a drug-crazed extortionist? No checking in with Green Lantern who is no doubt a KKK member who devours the hearts of young girls after molesting them?

Linkara:
Yes, let's condone violence against a**holes. Wait, are you even sure some of them called you names? Because as I said, there were women in the bar too.

Linkara:
The non-logic is killing my puny human brain! I need some milk.

Linkara:
What is even the hell?

Linkara:
I do apologize to my many Irish fans because I do a crappy Irish accent.

Batman:
I've kidnapped a traumatized youngster and drafted him into my holy war.

Linkara:
And from that I just have to ask: do you worship crime fighting? Is there some sort of God of Vigilantism that you pray to? No? Then it's not a holy war, you moron!

Dick Grayson:
Batman's completely nuts

Linkara:
NAWWW! What gave you that idea?

Batman:
I'm a detective.

Linkara:
No, Sherlock Holmes is a detective. Encyclopedia Brown is a detective. You're a loser who kidnapped a young boy and frequently refer to him as your ward. You haven't done one friggin' bit of detective work since you started this comic!

Linkara:
In All-Star Batman and Robin, Batman kills, maims, kidnaps and extorts; in All-Star Superman, Superman cures cancer. Point goes to the Man of Tomorrow.

Linkara:
Crazy Steve assaults Alfred, slamming him against the cave wall and yelling, "what the hell do you think you're doing, Alfred?" And if you had any lingering doubts about this not being Batman, this scene should clinch it. Batman has gotten angry at Alfred before in moments of sudden emotion, but nothing like this. Knocking Alfred around, the man who raised him as a surrogate father, because he showed some compassion to a little kid! This comic can go straight to hell!

Batman:
Alfred just told me to take a flying leap.

Linkara:
Um, I thought he said he wasn't your slave. Were you under the impression that he was?

Batman:
This little brat is going to ruin everything.

Linkara:
Hey, you're the one who kidnapped him, a**hole.

Alfred Pennyworth:
[read by Linkara] He was always an adventurer, Bruce was. Always jumping and running and giving himself a proper banging.

Linkara:
He was banging himself?

[brief pause]

Linkara:
I guess Batman does train to be the best at everything.

Linkara:
[screaming] This goddamn comic goddamn sucks!

Linkara:
Just as I suspected, petrified urinal cakes.

Linkara:
Okay, folks, this is my robot, Pollo. He's going to finish the review for me, because really, I can't take this anymore.

Pollo the Robot:
Alright, so then Wonder Woman... [shorts out] knickknackpattywhackgiveadogabone.

Linkara:
Aw son of a... even robots can't handle this thing!

Harvey Finevoice:
You know, maybe I just don't swing in the right circles, but I don't know too many deaf people who hang around murderous fat slobs and just smile all day even when no one else does.

Harvey Finevoice:
Speaking of medication, I could go for some about now.

Harvey Finevoice:
[reading] "I decided not to answer on the grounds that it might piss someone off." Too late, lady. Everything you say is starting to get my hackles up. Isn't this thing supposed to be about monster fightin'?

Linkara:
You know, after 100+ episodes, I think I finally figured out what direction to take the show. I'll be right back.

Iratekara:
[Linkara, dressed in a green button down shirt and no hat] Alright, comic gurus, let's dig into Mighty and Morphing Power Rangers Number 1.

Iratekara:
It used footage that was imported from China from some stupid show that didn't even speak English. Not like me, though, I am good grammar and spelling.

Iratekara:
The first thing you'll notice about this comic is the cover. This cover sucks because it doesn't have the Green Ranger on it. What about the White Ranger? Is this big green space on top supposed to be the Green Ranger? And look at this artwork. Couldn't they get somebody talented like John Kirby or Jason Lee? Didn't they even test this cover before they released it?

Iratekara:
That reminds me of that stupid character Beetle Ray Bill, who sucks because I couldn't read his comic, and that's clearly the comic's fault and not mine.

Iratekara:
What are they doing? Looking at bugs? I don't wanna look at bugs. That's gross. I read comic books while I'm eating a tasty bowl of Yummy Mummy and drinking Kool Aid and now I have to look at bugs? Breakfast is ruined!

Iratekara:
This is so 'fustrating'!

Iratekara:
Even though this comic is not that bad, it still has its share of 'flawls'.

Iratekara:
This comic is a great throw back and predecessor to the original Marvel Comics Power Rangers comics comics, and those comics were meant to compete with the Super Nintendo NES system.

Iratekara:
Bulk and Skull are also in this comic, but who cares about them? The really great thing about this comic is that Bulk and Skull are in it.

Iratekara:
I'd better call the police, because I just got Bulked!

Iratekara:
Well I'll see you all again in three months when I release the 15th part of my History of Comic Books videos, which are apparently a separate series unrelated to my other reviews, yet somehow elements of it are incorporated into my videos as an on-going narrative. We'll be covering how Stan Lee may have been rumored to have worked with John Kirby and Al Acorn to create The Fantasmic Four.

Iratekara:
As you know, it takes very long time to make these videos. I mean, it just takes FOREVER to read a comic book and then scan in pages and then I add special effects. [a photo of bananas falls onto the screen] See? This took me three weeks alone.

Iratekara:
The comic begins and we see the title, "The Menace of Dracula." Well guess what? I read this whole comic and we don't even get to see Simon Belmont. Come on, Power Rangers fans want Simon Belmont in these new comics. Why don't they have him as an unlockable story?

Linkara:
It's a bear!

Linkara:
Does anyone really want green orange products? I mean, besides Ecto Cooler?

Linkara:
You have a magic gun? Where'd you purchase that?

Batman:
It's okay, kid, I can't fly either.

Linkara:
Unlike that stupid Superman... I'm not jealous or anything!

Linkara:
The Joker's plan is insane, but then again, what can you expect from the crazy guy? It's always nice to see the Joker like this: psychotic, yes, but not to some extremes that some writers make him out to be, where he'll be downright sadistic. He should be scary, yes, but also funny and playful.

Batman:
Didn't you see all the signs?

Linkara:
Didn't it open up your eyes, you saw the sign? No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.

Linkara:
The inside cover of the comic does invite kids to join the Zeddy's Cub Club and get free milk and cookies. Aw gee wilikers, I get to be taught how to read AND get free milk and cookies? Boy howdy!

Batman:
Pigs... from a gun!

Linkara:
What the Funk 'n Wagnall does that mean? Oh, from "I Am the Walrus"? Why is he randomly quoting... Oh, screw it!

Robin:
I mean wasn't there a lot of great punk coming out when you were a...

Batman:
Punk! Punk is nothing but death... and crime... and the rage of a beast!

[Linkara bursts out laughing]

Linkara:
OK, we gotta hear that again!

Batman:
Punk is nothing but death... and crime... and the rage of a beast!

Linkara:
I mean how do you even get away with writing like that? Just wow!

Linkara:
Yes, risking people's lives because you're an a**hole is cool. No wonder I don't connect to the young people today.

Koko:
Be-bop killed Blue Byrd!

Linkara:
And Rocksteady helped!

Batman:
You should be going to jail tonight. Consider yourself lucky that you make a better piece of live bait rather than JAILbait.

Linkara:
Uh... Bruce? You wanna rephrase that? Or was that your intention to infer that he isn't an attractive 17-year old girl?

Linkara:
And she's the niece of Sherlock Holmes!... Wait, does that mean Mycroft Holmes had a daughter?... Why am I thinking about this?

Linkara:
And I am the walrus, koo koo ka-choo!

Linkara:
I'm only on page FOUR. This comic is FORTY-EIGHT PAGES LONG. Expect a lot of crying in this episode.

Linkara:
I had a dog named Ashley once.

Narrator:
Meanwhile, at the Bimbo headquarters in Old Chicago...

Linkara:
I could really go for some Old Chicago right about now. Yes, they've got beer.

Yami:
Why is everyone in this comic a f***ing bimbo?

Linkara:
Zongor prepares to shoot Zapp. However...

Kool-Aid Man:
[plays over an image of Captain Electron smashing through a wall] Oh, yeah!

Linkara:
The weatherman can hear them through the TV? Can the Care Bears hear everything? [leans towards the camera] Are you watching me, Care Bears?

MarzGurl:
Look, if we're going to restore normality to this "Previously On..." segment, we need to throw in an unexpected plot twist and make it an entirely new episode.

Ralph Oancitizen:
There's only one way to do that: An unexpected cameo!

JesuOtaku:
I'm unexpected!

Batman:
You... witch!

Linkara:
What, you have no problem exploiting the female body to bend over and show off underwear at every opportunity, but suddenly "b*tch" is too much? For crying out loud, I don't say some of the more colorful four-letter words around here, but I'll still say b*tch!

That Guy with the Hat:
"When no one was looking, Lex Luthor took forty cakes." He took *forty* cakes... that's as much as four tens... and that's terrible.

Spider-Man:
Just as I thought, a chip off the old block.

Linkara:
Oh come on, Spidey, that one's pushing it.

Spider-Man:
Looks like your game is up. Time to cash in your chips.

Linkara:
Enough with the microchip puns!

Human Computer:
I'm just a chip who loves chocolatey Hostess cup cakes.

Linkara:
Was this originally an ad for potato chips? What the hell?

[repeated line]

Linkara:
Should we do something? We should do something.

Linkara:
So begins Triplicate Girl and Karate Kid travelling around trying to find a cure for his disease. Wait a second, I just realized something. These two are running around looking for a cure. Bob the Monitor's group is running around looking for Ray Palmer. Jimmy Olsen and Forager are running around looking for the New God killer. Trickster and Piper are running around looking for a way out of their handcuffs. They should have just called this series Running Around Looking for Crap!

Linkara:
Physics!

Nostalgia Critic:
My god, it was you all along.

Chester A. Bum:
Yes, I hijackeded all the nuclear weapons of the world. And now, I have them at my disposal.

Nostalgia Critic:
But why? Why did you do it?

Chester A. Bum:
Oh... I'm just a bum. A bum who wants to take over the world. [laughs maniacally]

Nostalgia Critic:
Y'know, that's not an everyday occurrence.

Chester A. Bum:
...what?

Linkara:
Damn you, Phantasm, we just had a 'previously on' segment a few weeks ago! Why are we doing another one?

Nostalgia Critic:
What's that?

Chester A. Bum:
This is the remote control that will let me blow up any missile in the world!

Nostalgia Critic:
You're mad!

Chester A. Bum:
Am I? Am I?

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes! Very mad!

Harvey Finevoice:
I've been sitting here for hours. Why the hell hasn't anyone given me my paycheck? I got dames to smooch!

Film Brain:
Equilibrium is brilliant and Wimmer is God!

Linkara:
My God! Film Brian, they've gotten to you!

Film Brain:
Hey, it's Film Brain! [evil laugh]

Chester A. Bum:
Perhaps it is you who are mad?

Nostalgia Critic:
Nnno, no, it's definitely you.

Chester A. Bum:
You know what, you're just rude.

Nostalgia Critic:
[talking over Chester] It's like, [gesturing] here's the sane people and here's you. You're over here and the sane people are over here? [incoherent]

Chester A. Bum:
I mean, you're obnoxious! I just can't believe how annoying you are. And you're talking and talking and talking. And maybe you can do something nice contribute something to society...?

Linkara:
You're not taking over my show, Continuity Alarm. You just stay back. Stay back!

Chester A. Bum:
What do you think of Hollywood?

Nostalgia Critic:
Hollywood? Well, that's where all the great movies are made.

Chester A. Bum:
Well, how would you feel if it just... disappeared? [Hollywood explodes]

Nostalgia Critic:
Noooooo!

Chester A. Bum:
[cackles] And tell me, what you think about... Rome?

Nostalgia Critic:
Rome? It's the birthplace of culture!

Chester A. Bum:
Not anymore! [the Colosseum explodes, the Nostalgia screams and cries]

Chester A. Bum:
And tell me, what do you think of France?

Nostalgia Critic:
...it's okay.

Chester A. Bum:
Gone! [the Eiffel Tower explodes; the Nostalgia Critic screams in even more pain]

Harvey Finevoice:
And now, the conclusion... I play all the Las Vegas rooms and this is the thanks I get for it.

Lee:
The future... it's horrible, Linkara. Everybody went to see the Youngblood movie, and, and, we all got... the diseeeaaaase!

Linkara:
Get this, Marz Gurl, this time I'M breaking up with YOU!

MarzGurl:
Huh. Whatever, I got passion panties, b*tch!

Benzaie:
This can't be right... it says I'm not French. They say I'm African-American.

Linkara:
Oh my god! TV Tropes used one of my quotes!

Nostalgia Chick:
Alright, so you've found my secret identity. [Ties her hair] That's right. I'm the Nostalgia Chick!

Linkara:
But... but how did you... what the... but... with the bowtie and the... what... how are you...? WHAT? Cry woe, destruction and decay, the worst is death. And death will have his day. I should have known, it was you who was the secret manipulator behind it all: beeeaaaar!

Linkara:
What the hell is a coney dog?

Linkara:
The Punisher blows up their car, giving us a nice shot of Barricuda's ass cleavage. Thank you, that was very necessary.

Linkara:
So, I'm getting mixed messages. Do we want to set children on fire or not?

Linkara:
Oh, and look, the giant ridiculous knife from the first cover actually is in the book. Natalie Stack picks it up and swings it at a terrorist, hitting with such force and accuracy that it decapitates one. A terrorist who apparently had wrappings around his entire head except his eyes and mouth. These... these really are mummies, aren't they? My god, we've... we've had it wrong the whole time. Frank Miller isn't racist or islamophobic or bigoted. He's trying to inform us of the true evil, the darkest force that is trying to destroy modern-day America with its army of mummies: ANCIENT EGYPT! [Imperial March plays over the image of the pyramids]

Linkara:
You know, I sometimes get asked why Camelot of all films is my favorite movie. And the reason is because it actually changed my life, or at least focused my beliefs into something that was a good solid foundation for a personal philosophy. Those who have power should use it to do good, that violence is not strength, compassion is not weakness, that revenge is utterly pointless. Superheroes are basically the equivalent of modern day knights errant, they go out and help people and fight injustices. But a lot of the best superhero comics are the ones not actually about superheroes hitting supervillains or each other, anything like that. It's the ones that show that superheroes are about kindness and decency and something far more noble than the adolescent power fantasies that people often critique them as. I think I hate this comic more than any other I've ever reviewed, because it is the complete antithesis of everything I believe in. Holy Terror says that you should be unkind, it says you shouldn't trust people, it says compassion will be repaid with violence, and that violence can only be answered with more violence, and that violence is strength. That hurting others is not only enjoyable and desirable, but that it should be employed first when dealing with threats. It says that if you have power, you should lord that power over others and do harm to them. It says that revenge is a worthy cause. It treats women as either victims or enemies, and don't assume Natalie Stack is immune to this criticism, trust me, the book ain't over yet. It tells us we should fear the other, the foreigner, the dark-skinned, the religion that's not your own. And you know what the damndest thing of all is? I am honest to God afraid of terrorism. Terrorism is real. There are people out there who want to kill me either because I'm from a different country or just because they're some angry misanthrope with a gun. That applies to both foreign and domestic terrorists. Terrorism is about making someone so afraid that they'll do what you tell them to. And the grand message of Frank Miller's Holy Terror is: Be afraid. Be terrified. And let's give in to that fear. And embrace every dark, sick and inhuman part of our souls as a result, and do everything to them that they will do to us. Frank... you must be so proud.

90s Kid:
0's Kid! He is a man! NO... wait, he is a kid! Uh, wait! Aren't I 90's Kid? Wh-Why am I talking about 90's Kid as if I'm not actually here?

90s Kid:
Brodsky, you are a genius! Liefeld, you are my god! What's another word that rhymes with genius...?

90s Kid:
I believe they should add guns to the American flag.

90s Kid:
A redhead walks down the street wearing striped pants that kinda make her look mint flavored.

90s Kid:
Clearly he was pondering if it would be wise to add more pouches to his huge shoulder pads. For the record, the answer is CHA!

90s Kid:
Cha! Big red dudes go on top of the Christmas tree, not the fire escape.

90s Kid:
Whoa, this guy can make an Ace of Base album of out of old beer cans!

90s Kid:
Dude, no ones' gonna take you serious with a name like Mighty Man! You should add "blood" to it! Or at least Strike. That's Stryke with a Y.

Harvey Finevoice:
[singing] Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Pollo the Robot:
[speaking; monotone] Because you are the wind beneath my wings.

90s Kid:
ROCK ON!

Linkara:
Also at the bottom is a bar that indicates that this is the Nintendo Comics System. Okay, Nintendo, we get it: Nintendo Entertainment System. You don't have to label everything a system. After all, you didn't name the product you're shilling here, "The Gameboy Entertainment System," now did you?

Linkara:
We open on a close-up of somebody's Gameboy as they play Super Mario Land. For some reason I'm really hungry right now for a Hershey bar. [notes the blatant product placement]

Linkara:
There's some narration on top: "look around you." [Linkara literally looks around] Oh I get it, trying to misdirect us so we won't notice how stupid this comic is, huh?

Manager:
Did they hurt you, Herman?

Herman:
Well they would have if it hadn't fought them off.

Linkara:
There were twenty of them, and they kept yelling about how they like the Atari Linx more. I went Kung-Tendo on their asses!

Herman:
There's no law and order anymore.

Linkara:
Oh come on, Criminal Intent and Special Victims Unit are still on.

Linkara:
[Herman steals another Gameboy] What are you going to do with two? Use a link cable between them and play a fighting game so you can feel good about beating yourself? Then again, a guy with such a great personality as yours is probably used to beating yourself.

Linkara:
Kid, you're like 15 and you live in New York, grow a pair.

Linkara:
This comic sucks, but it's so much fun in its stupidity.

Biker:
[read by Linkara in Shaggy's voice] I was just trying to prove I could be more than just a second banana so Chick would think that I was a regular guy.

Linkara:
And speaking of bizarre oddities like the missing Chuck Cunningham, gaze upon Richie's shirt. The plaid never changes its direction or angle. It's always the same plaid. Look into it everyone and you stare into the infinite abyss. There is no beginning... no end. Just... the plaid.

Linkara:
This comic can sit on it!

Linkara:
At the bar of Guy Gardner, former Green Lantern, then former superhero called Warrior...

Ultimate Warrior:
Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel, load it with the words!

Linkara:
Dammit, not that Warrior!

Linkara:
Maybe I'll put salami on my sandwich... and maybe not.

Linkara:
Maxi-extreme ultra normal.

Linkara:
Oh, what, now you decide to pipe up?

Continuity Alarm:
[via text] You switched me off before the review. I'm back, baby!

Linkara:
Yeah! Because I prefer the parents of the girl I'm sweet on to be flaming homosexuals!

Linkara:
Oh yeah, you did a great job of "saving him." I especially liked the part where you didn't save him at all, they managed to get away on their own, and then you nuked New Jersey.

Linkara:
Yeah, it wasn't the apocalypse that killed them, they'd just been waiting on the runway for too long.

Linkara:
Why would anyone want to see Superman's b*obs?

Linkara:
MTV is showing music videos? Since when?

Linkara:
Hey, Norman Bates called; he said you're really kind of a weirdo.

Linkara:
This is the stuff of serial killers, people!

Linkara:
To every GLBTQ individual in the entire world, I apologize for this comic.

Linkara:
You know, I've said it before, but I've never meant it as literally as I do now, the future is dumb.

ChaosD1:
[screaming] Alan Greenspan! Doesn't! Work that way! [normal voice] Wow, that's a new one.

Linkara:
This comic sucks! Now I know what some of you are thinking, was this comic really all that bad? YES! A thousand times yes!

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From The Future:
And then in the year 5002, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda sent their infant son of eighteen years back to the present in a time machine made of Playstation 1 parts!

Seto Kaiba:
You've been drinking again, haven't you?

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From The Future:
Shut up, you're not the boss of me!

Linkara:
A thief suddenly runs in and grabs the bag of money with a "zoink" sound effect. How the hell did Alan Greenspan not notice the guy running around with a baseball bat? And where the hell is bank security?

Alan Greenspan:
[to KalAOL, after a thief stole a bag of money] You idiot. Now the bank lost one hundred million dollars.

Linkara:
Gee, maybe it's a BAD idea to keep one hundred million dollars in a big sack with a dollar sign on it as if this were a freakin' Looney Tunes cartoon!

Linkara:
Oh hey, I just noticed, there's a meteor heading for the scalper's head... Okay. Why?

Linkara:
Bill Jemas... you make science cry.

Linkara:
I would set this comic on fire, right now, if I wasn't afraid that I would breathe in the fumes and grow dumber as a result!

Linkara:
Gee, it's almost as if the villainous, psychotic, manipulative, crazy-green-scientist-man who calls himself 'The Jackal' was lying or something. Who would've guessed?

Linkara:
Mickey gets married and I don't care.

Linkara:
Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to YOU... woo-woo-woo.

Linkara:
The group gathers at the juice bar when suddenly a giant foot slams down on them. Oh my God, it's Monty Python! They've come to save us with some real comedy!

[repeated line]

Linkara:
[as Mr. T] It's a crack baby, foo!

Nick McClary:
Who are your Saturday morning favorites, kids?

Linkara:
Not you, that's for sure.

Atom Ant:
Roaches like garbage, so here's a whole truck full.

Linkara:
Wow, Atom Ant is kind of a dick. First of all, he's throwing a garbage truck at this cockroach, no doubt intending to murder it. Secondly, garbagemen provide a necessary and useful service to people and you're treating their truck like it's... well... garbage, and tossing it around without regard for the safety of whoever's inside of it, or the property itself.

Linkara:
The noise the magic glove makes is "Kablooie." Who'd have thought explosions were in fact magic?

Linkara:
[reading narration caption] "Life is hard, then you die." I'm pretty sure there's some stuff in between there actually.

Linkara:
Ho-Man costumes? There are so many inappropriate jokes.

Linkara:
I have no idea who you are and yet I hate you already.

Linkara:
"Let's fly, like Santa." Santa doesn't fly! [sees picture of Superman with a long white beard] That does not count!

Linkara:
Apparently, according to this comic, becoming blind makes you unable to realize when you're being hit on.

Linkara:
"I didn't know Count Dracula was into Christmas." What is wrong with your brain? It's not like it's some old spooky castle. I'd kill to live in a place like that!

Linkara:
Why are you talking? Every time you talk you only prove why you shouldn't.

Linkara:
This comic is actually an anthology book meaning that there are even more stories with the New Kids. Next up is Strictly Unconventional, where the New Kids on the Block go to a New Kids on the Block annual fan club convention. Yes, I am serious here. Why do I get the feeling that the artists' alley is full of nothing but yowee slash art of the New Kids members?

Linkara:
Only a science major could create a New Kids on the Block toenail analyzer.

Iron Liz:
Who the Hell are you?

Judas Liz:
[laughs] Don't you recognize me, dear? It's me, Judas Liz. [attacks Iron Liz] Just... DIE. There should be only ONE in this universe!

Linkara:
[pointing a gun to Judas Liz's head] How about two for one? [Judas Liz teleports out]

Linkara:
Probably the most confusing of all about this thing is that Vanilla Ice was a rapper, but this has him appearing in something called "Rock and Roll Comics." I guess Batman came to their offices one day and insisted they start supporting other musical styles besides rock and roll, or he'd beat them all up.

Young Vanilla Ice:
Well, at least broken families are cooler than middle class families.

Linkara:
Kid, you're an idiot.

Linkara:
Wait, wait, wait, music videos played on MTV? What new spore of madness is this?

Linkara:
I had my fill of creepy sex last week.

Linkara:
And yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus Conquers The Martians comic!

Narrator:
Manhattan after midnight.

Linkara:
Comic creators do realize there are places outside of New York, right?

Linkara:
[all singing] Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall.

Nostalgia Critic:
Where bad comics burn.

Nostalgia Chick:
Linkara's gonna teach you all.

Cold Guy:
A lesson you won't learn.

The Spoony One:
Brodsky, you're not the smartest.

C.R.:
Liefeld, you're not an artist.

Iron Liz:
Anyone who's had a bad comic published.

Mike J:
It could be your turn.

90s Kid:
Linkara!

JesuOtaku:
He is a man. Punch!

Phelous:
Wears a purdy hat.

Harvey Finevoice:
Linkara.

Cinema Snob:
He has a magic gun!

Ed Glaser:
Where'd he purchase that?

L. Lovhaug:
Linkara.

Benzaie:
Coins, robots, Amazons and trucks.

Ninja:
[holds a sign that says "Linkara"]

Todd in the Shadows:
This comic sucks.

Obscurus Lupa:
Linkara sits down nonetheless.

Lanipator:
Forces himself through it.

MarzGurl:
A poorly written, ugly mess.

The Cat:
Someone's gotta do it.

Takahata101:
And it's right about time he did.

The Last Angry Geek:
They made Watchmen without the slimy squid.

Y Ruler of Time:
And he'll have you know that's pretty low.

Angry Joe:
But not like the standards of the 90s Kid.

Sean:
Settin' ablaze crossovers.

8-Bit Mickey:
One shots and tie-ins.

LordKat:
Linkara stands in reality defiance.

Lee:
Atop the Fourth Wall.

JewWario:
Looking down on us all.

Dr. Insano:
Of course, don't you know anything about science?

Bennett the Sage:
There would be better books on his show.

Guru Larry:
But Quesada sold them to Mephisto.

MasakoX:
And now there's nothing left to do.

L. Lovhaug:
But share the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel with you.

Ensign Monroe:
Linkara!

Paw:
He is a man. Punch!

KaiserNeko:
What's that on his arm?

[cut to a sign that says "Linkara" sitting beside his bear]

Dr. Gonzo:
Can't seem to fix the continuity alarm.

Sad Panda:
Linkara.

Rollo T:
Rock'n roll.

The Cat:
Insano.

Skitch:
Fellow in a tux.

Pollo the Robot:
Linkara.

Linkara:
This comic sucks...

Linkara, Iron Liz:
Linkara!

Linkara:
Sonic proceeds to grab the kids and defy physics a little by running down the side of the missile silo. Decidedly nonsensical, but admittingly awesome.

Sonic:
Now that we're in the control room, we're gonna have to make like instant archeologists.

Jessie:
I don't understand, Sonic.

Linkara:
I don't think any of us do, frankly. What the hell?

Sonic:
There's a countdown underway, Jessie.

Linkara:
Which makes them archeologists? Sonic, your jokes are worse than mine.

Dr. Robotnik:
That blasted hedgehog seemingly came from nowhere. But what if he didn't? What if he came... from THERE?

Linkara:
Yes, there. That random, wavy glittery thing that wasn't there a second ago.

Dr. Robotnik:
From somewhere through a transdimensional portal, which I believe that to be.

Linkara:
Um, why do you believe that? And how did you realize that it was a transdimensional portal? Hello? Did anybody look at the script before they started drawing everything?

Sonic:
So what's the deal, schlemiel? Even you couldn't come up with this setup yourself.

Linkara:
Why the hell couldn't he? He seemed to be doing just fine with robots and castles and missiles and mind-control helmets back on Mobius.

Steve:
You did it, Sonic!

Jessie:
Nobody does it better.

Linkara:
Oh, I get it. Jessie is actually a young Carly Simon.

Linkara:
It'd be like if I suddenly had access to the technology of Power Rangers and Star Trek without any kind of explanation of how I did. [as he holds up his phaser and one of his morphers; realizing what he's holding] OK, moving on.

Linkara:
[imitating Robotnik] I'll make them play Sonic 2006, I'm that twisted!

Linkara:
It's so real, that you'll think you're part of the adventure! It's so real, that you'll be wetting yourself in fear!

Linkara:
[monotone] All are one in Darkseid.

Linkara:
Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall's hundredth episode! What's that? You don't care about that, you wanna know what's up with the wall?

The Spoony One:
I'm not in your f***ing way! [kicks] Ow! Jesus Christ, I think I broke my foot in your ass.

Linkara:
My God, it's like this writer has never even heard of the Fantastic Four! Who wrote this thing? [sees name] Tom DeFalco? Former Marvel editor in-chef Tom DeFalco? [the review crashes]

Linkara:
The teachers overhear Doom's plan and decide they need to help the five heroes. They start by distracting Doom by...

Teacher:
Oh Doomsie! Gaze upon my radiant beauty and despair!

Linkara:
[bursts out laughing] Okay, that's made this whole thing worth it.

Linkara:
You know, I might need to double check, but I'm pretty sure Dr. Doom has officially conquered the earth at least twice, and now he's being defeated by rubber band balls. Words fail me.

Linkara:
They don't even try to be subtle about the product placement either. This comic would have you believe that the only thing standing in the way of millions of children going stupid is OfficeMax. I noticed they also forgot another important little factoid about that: that teachers often have to pay for those supplies out of pocket!

Linkara:
Sometimes I wish I owned a copy of One More Day just so I could throw it against a wall.

Linkara:
And yes, in fact, as we see, the rubber band balls were crucial for this entire operation. Thank God there was an OfficeMax around the corner. If this had been Office Depot, we would've been royally screwed.

Mister Fantastic:
You stay here and we'll handle Doom.

Linkara:
[stares] Why the hell did you bring them along if they're not gonna do anything?

Spider-Man:
You have to give those teachers extra credit. They obviously care about their students.

Linkara:
Yeah, they care a little too much about these specific students. This is going into stalker territory, not legitimately concerned.

Mister Fantastic:
I am afraid Doom's machine drained their minds of everything you've ever taught them. But there's a solution, and it depends on you.

Teacher #1:
That's right, we're teachers.

Teacher #2:
We'll help them regain their lost knowledge!

Teacher #3:
That's who we are and what we do!

Linkara:
Better start with how to use a toilet.

Linkara:
Dr. Linksano, for the moment, has agreed not to try and take over the world, thanks to being pacified with a junior chemistry playset. That'll keep him busy for a few months.

Teacher:
Can't we help find Dr. Doom?

Linkara:
No. No, you really can't.

Other Teacher:
I'm sure my trusty laptop "Big Blue" can assist.

Linkara:
No, it can't! You're in the flippin' Baxter Building. Reed Richards is a scientific genius with better equipment than just a laptop. You're of no help here! Go back home and teach kids math problems. You're not crimebusters.

Invisible Woman:
Of course you can lend a hand.

Linkara:
We needed someone to clean the breakroom.

Mister Fantastic:
Wow! OfficeMax has it all. We'll have problem finding Doom with all these school supplies.

Linkara:
Okay, I take it back. Reed Richards isn't a genius, he's actually a complete moron.

Dr. Doom:
Think of it! Now that I have possession of all the wisdom and facts these students have learned in school, there will be no limit to my power!

Linkara:
Uh, yes there will be! The wisdom and facts you speak of come from freakin' high school students or younger. What exactly is useful in that, or do you need a high school girl's knowledge of gel pens?

Linkara:
Allow me to share a revelation I've just had. For all of his bluster about "with great power comes great responsibility," Peter Parker is one of the most irresponsible superheroes ever. He never learns from his mistakes, never takes into consideration how his life as Spider-Man affects everybody else. Now some would say that's the core concept of the character, the constant struggle between the mask and the man. But he never actually gives any consideration to the man, preferring to make excuses about it. He disappoints people around him all the time because something more important was happening as Spider-Man. But instead of finding a way to balance his two lives properly, he will go out of his way to make excuses for it and be sad that being Spider-Man hurt his personal life. If he places more importance on being Spider-Man, then he should distance himself from relationships that would hurt that. If he places more emphasis on being Peter Parker, he needs to sacrifice his time as Spider-Man. Now that's not always going to be the case for everyone in the real world. But Peter never actually changes as a result of his actions. He just makes the same mistakes over and over. During a story line called "The Other" when Peter was dying from an untraceable condition, this was also written by JMS by the way, he admits that he doesn't even have life insurance. Peter has never made a plan about what would happen to his family if he were killed by a super-villain. He's never thought about the repurcussions of his life if he should be maimed or killed while wearing the costume, to his wife or to his constantly dying aunt. In a recent issue of "Avengers Academy," a group of teenage superheroes thought of several ways he could have capitalized on being Spider-Man without revealing his identity to anyone. Now admittedly, he was just a young, dumb teenager when he started out and didn't think of those things. But Peter is and has been an adult for decades now. Forget about whether you like Spidey being married or not, the character himself still seems to operate like he's in high school, never growing up, never seems to recognize adult relationships, and never actually taking responsibility for his life and the choices he's made. This is one of the reasons I decided to finally review One More Day. The deal with Mephisto is symptomatic of a bigger problem for the character and the people who write him. The unwillingness for the character to become an adult. He's supposed to be roughly 25 years old at the time of this story, maybe closer to 30. And yet he repeatedly approaches his problems like a 16-year-old would and is never actually prepared to act like a mature adult. I've made several jokes in the last 200 episodes about how Peter Parker's life is an endless spiral of shame and misery, what with his friends and loved ones dying all around him or becoming super-villains because of his life as Spider-Man and I mean it. The truth is that if Peter Parker actually cared about taking responsibility for his actions, he would have given up being Spider-Man a looong time ago. But hey, maybe that's just the reasoning of a jaded individual looking at this stupid-ass comic in hindsight. Of course I don't want Peter Parker to stop being Spider-Man. What I want is for him to be written like a goddamn adult already! But the writers and Marvel editorial seem to steadfastly refuse to let that happen. Spider-Man is just escapist fantasy to them. The reason why they don't think there's drama in marriage is because marriage is an aspect of real life and they don't want the escapism of Peter Parker swinging through the air and stopping bad guys being infected with the drama of things that people have to endure in the real world. And that's just hilarious since Spider-Man is supposed to be the character who does face the real-life challenges of the world. That was what made his character so appealing to begin with: His ability to relate to the reader. But the truth is that the reader has grown up. The reader got married, has kids, have relatives that die and they have to move on. The reader changed but Peter Parker has not. You know there was a rumor that Marvel was doing its own reboot to compete with the one DC did last year. They're not of course. They're just releasing a whole bunch of new number ones, but you know what? Maybe they should reboot Spider-Man. After all, if the creative teams are unwilling to let him get out of his high school life, then why the hell isn't he still there?

Linkara:
You're seriously doing this, aren't you? Are you kidding me? Seriously, look at this again,

Linkara:
[reading in character] "You know why guys like me get into games like that? Because there's something missing."

Linkara:
And then we have,

Linkara:
[reading in character] "Because things didn't plan out like they were supposed to. So we go someplace else."

Linkara:
This frickin' comic just said the reason people play video games and enjoy escapist fiction is because they're losers who want something more with their lives.

Linkara:
I don't know if it was Joe Quesada or JMS who wrote this, but considering JMS's body of work concerning speculative fiction and the fact that issues 3 and 4 for One More Day were heavily rewritten, I think it's fair to assume that Joe Quesasda wrote this.

Linkara:
In which case, I have something to say!

Linkara:
[shouting] You insulting, patronizing d*ckhead! How dare you! How dare you insult video game creators and players! How dare you criticize people for enjoying escapist fiction when frickin' superhero comics are escapist fiction!

Linkara:
If JMS wrote this, then those remarks can go to him. Either way, this scene is another reason why I finally decided to talk about this story.

Linkara:
Forget about the deal with the devil, I am shocked that nobody ever talks about this! That's what this thing is saying! You buy our crap because you're a loser, so keep buying our crap, loser!

Spider-Man:
I hate Peter Parker!

Linkara:
That's funny, so do the Spider-Man writers.

Spider-Man:
This is all starting to sound like a bad comic book plot.

Linkara:
That's because it is!

Linkara:
I am Captain Linkara of the USS... uh... [looks around]... Green Futon!

Linkara:
Meanwhile, Spock takes the thruster suit out and starts transmitting to the Enterprise what he plans. Kirk decides to go after him on his own. Unfortunately as soon as he goes out, he's attacked by a swarm of pyramids. Pyramids? Damn it all! V'ger is clearly responsible for the evil that is ANCIENT EGYPT! [Imperial March plays over an image of the pyramids]

Linkara:
I know this may come as a surprise to people, but I'm just not interested. Because, believe it or not, people can just be not interested in something. Except for this show, which everyone should be interested in.

Linkara:
Just look at this badass. I wanna cosplay as him.

Linkara:
And this is why you don't screw with the past, dim-wits!

Linkara:
They do somehow return to their own time, well actually, they arrive in the year 25,000 instead of the year 125,000 because... um... the Kool-Aid Man is red.

Editor:
This is nuts. You can't make a story about a guy walking down a street.

Linkara:
Preemptedly trying to stop the nay-sayers of this concept, JMS? I would just like to point out that a reporter CAN make a story out of that. They can make a story out of anything, because news is just identifying what's going on.

Linkara:
And thus, Superman fixes up the storeroom in less than a second. Again, I like it because it again shows that no problem is beneath him. Even though he only did it so he could afford a sandwich.

Linkara:
And naturally, since this is an area that even the police fear, we see that there are a bunch of kids nearby. In the street, at night, near the crack houses. Good parenting.

Linkara:
Superman, defender of truth, justice and arson.

Linkara:
[Superman has simultaneously set ablaze a bunch of drug dealers' stashes] So forgiving for a moment how really, really illegal this is, how does Superman follow this up? Well, a kid walks up to him and offers him some candy.

Superman:
Thanks. When they come out, will you give them a message for me?

Kid:
Sure.

Linkara:
What?

Superman:
Tell them I plan to come back every few weeks. I'll do it again and again until they leave.

Linkara:
Superman... you've just gotten that kid killed! Are you out of your freakin' mind? No, really, are you insane? You just torched the stashes of these drug dealers. When they get out, they're gonna be pissed! And they're going to see that you're no longer standing there. What they're going to see is a little kid who tells them, "Superman said he's going to come back every once and a while, you evil drug dealer poopy-heads." And then they're going to beat this kid into a pulp, and assuming he's not dead from that, they will kill him and leave him there as a message not to mess with them. Why the hell don't you stand and wait for them to come out and frighten them off? You're not exactly in a hurry here. You could be patient! What the hell is wrong with you?

Superman:
[to Felicity, who plans to jump off a building] Because you're right, it's not fair. John Lennon is dead and Moammar Kadaffi is still alive. J.F.K. is dead and Castro is alive. Gandhi is dead but Manson keeps hanging in there. It's not fair.

Linkara:
You suck at this, Superman. Seriously, that's your advice? That's what you say to a woman who's pouring her heart out about the unfairness of life and who is contemplating suicide? "Yup, life sucks, whatcha gonna do?" For crying out loud, News Radio and Crocodile Dundee handled this better, and those were comedies.

Felicity:
After I buried my mom, I stood there after everyone else had left, and I thought, is this it? I mean, is this all there is? Working in a cubicle six days a week until I'm too old to do it anymore, then I die? Is that it?

Linkara:
Hey, there's more to it than that. There's... Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and hoping that someday we'll have another good Star Trek series, and... um... oh, sewing. Some people like sewing.

Officer:
Hey, question for you. Would you really have let her fall?

Superman:
Good night, Officer.

Linkara:
No! No, he wouldn't. At least not a properly-written Superman. Superman ALWAYS chooses life. The mere implication that he would have let her die is so horrible, and completely out of character for him. Especially in light of all the people who died at the conclusion of the New Krypton arc. Go to hell, Comic! Go. To. Hell!

Weather Wizard:
Nobody's ever tipped over the Washington Monument before! I'll go down in history!

Linkara:
That is such an idiotic thing to say that I really have no jokes sufficient enough to counter it.

Linkara:
Let this be a lesson, kids-when debating, solve your disagreements not with words, but by screaming I AM A MAN!, and punching them in the guts.

Superman:
Wake up, James. You're coming with me.

Linkara:
[Superman theme plays as the Superman logo appears in the middle of the screen. Voice echoing] Superman: Defender of truth! Guardian of justice! Kidnapper of children!

Superman:
So, James Daniels is dissatisfied with his stack of toys, eh? Well, there must something I can do about that.

Linkara:
[Superman theme plays as the Superman logo appears in the middle of the screen. Voice echoing] Superman: Bully of ungrateful children! [Normal voice] I mean seriously, what the hell, dude? Are you gonna do this with every child who's an a**hole over his Christmas present? No wonder writers later had you struggle with a god complex.

Linkara:
I'm not an a**hole! Well, okay, I'm kind of an a**hole.

Holokara:
Look at you dumbasses. Do you really think you had a shot here? There is not a single person here who can stop me. Hell, there is not a single person on Earth who can stop what I have begun. [shot fires from off camera]

Linkara:
[standing in the doorway, holding his magic gun] Oh, I dunno. 'Think I might know a guy.

Linkara:
Dear God, I just wanna slam my face into this book repeatedly in the hopes that some of my own brain will merge with it and make it less dumb.

Linkara:
And now it's time to dig out this old chestnut: Comic history you don't care about but probably need to know in order to understand this. We've talked before about the speculator boom in the early 90's and all the horrible things done to comics related to that.

90's Kid:
[Nirvana music plays in background] Holo-foil covers, more collectible-edition comics, trading cards and GUNNNNNS!

Linkara:
Does Flipper need to choke a b*tch?

Linkara:
But wait, the Internet cried back, let me tell you about the horror that is called Sonichu. Yes, people, I have heard of Sonichu. I really wish I hadn't heard of Sonichu. I would be a much happier man if I haven't. Sonichu is some bizarre web comic put out by a guy named Christian Weston Chandler, or Chris Chan for short, that is some freakish hybrid of Sonic and Pikachu. The guy is a creepy stalker who apparently also suffers from autism and severe emotional problems. Even then, I can't be certain of any factual authenticity about that. I don't want to review this crap because I don't want to give it any attention. I want this guy and his creepy self-incertion, fanfic/fan-art to go into some dark corner of the internet and just let it disappear.

Spirit of the Internet:
In order to appease us, you must review... Sonichu.

Linkara:
No!

Spirit of the Internet:
Okay then, I guess you just have to review a Sonic comic.

Linkara:
Oh, okay.

Linkara:
I'm not paying a hundred bucks for porn! I have the internet, dangit!

Linkara:
Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis.

Linkara:
I AM THE GODDAMN BATMAN which is nothing but death, and crime, and the ADAMANTIUM RAGE! of a Bees. My God. It just raises too much logic in what he says. Of course! Don't you know anything about poor literacy, you Magnificent Bastard I read your BOOK!

Linkara:
And so he upgrades his rig into a technologically advanced super-rig with radars and weapons and the like. But the most patently ridiculous part of this is the remote control he has for his truck that's inside of a silver dollar. And next he'll teach us how to put a TV remote inside of a quarter! Or how about a gun inside of a nickel?

Linkara:
I don't burn out, I set more things on fire.

Linkara:
I'm Linkara, I read it and I wish I hadn't! [walks off screen. Comes back] And no, that's not gonna become a new catchphrase!

Linkara:
[reads disclaimer on comic] "With spectacular 3-D segment!" Oh goody, I look forward to my eyes being hurt and not being able to comprehend what the hell is going on.

Linkara:
[as narrator] "That is, until she wanders into... The Twilight Zone." [as himself] She was subsequently kicked out of The Twilight Zone when she couldn't afford the entrance fee.

Linkara:
Jenkins, meanwhile is attacked by... a giant mechanical spider... with lasers.

Rod Serling:
Submitted for your approval, giant robotic spiders with lasers attached to them. [looks at his cigarette] What the hell is in this thing anyway?

Lester B. Bum:
You got to give me change! Or the giant naked blue wang will join forces with the giant squid and eat me!

Linkara:
Wait a second!... You're That Chick With The Goggles!

Dr. Insano:
...I'm not fricking black!

Linkara:
But you are a woman?

The Spoony One:
Fine, you can use the f***in' cheats!

[repeated line]

Linkara:
Admantium rage!

[repeated line]

Linkara:
Physics!

Linkara:
I think by now, you should know how I feel about Youngblood. In case you don't, it sucks! You can yell until you're blue in the face about how the concept of a proactive superhero team that has merchandising and appears on talk shows and are celebrities and crap is such a wonderful idea, and it's just the execution that fails, but in the end, it doesn't change that Youngblood sucks! You can tell me about the runs from Alan Moore or the revived series from 2011, and that's great if they really are good, but it just keeps bringing me back to the question of why the hell anyone would want to do anything with this series when there is so much frigid' baggage with it! Look, my rant against the X-Men in my Next 15 Screw-Ups was half joking. I don't hate the X-Men and there are plenty of bad stories out there that have nothing to do with them, and there are great runs on the X-Men books. But Youngblood is a team that does not deserve all the hard work of creators! It's a bunch of unmemorable ripoff characters, growling and gritting teeth, and saying really stupid things, and squinting and doing exaggerated poses and all that crap! Let Youngblood die, already! Just let it die! Rob Liefeld does not deserve the amount of loyalty that he somehow has engendered! What's that? Rob Liefeld is really enthusiastic about the industry and is really an awesome guy if you know him in person, and loves comics and everything about the medium? Yeah, well, I'm really enthusiastic about the medium, but no one says that I should be drawing comic books! Rob Liefeld can't write! Rob Liefeld can't draw! Rob Liefeld can't create! And don't go telling me about how he created Deadpool and Cable! One-he didn't create Deadpool! He created some boring-ass mercenary who spoke in yellow-colored speech bubbles! Nobody would give a damn about him if not for the work of everybody else but him! And as for Cable, most of my knowledge of the character comes from the animated series, but even if Cable really is all that awesome and iconic a character, well, congratulations. You have found one, all of one character that Rob Liefeld created that's actually good, except a good creator is capable of making more than just one good character! Liefeld, on the other hand, settles on inventing 60,000 characters, and none of them are good! But to cite that Deadpool example again, is he really the one who created him if everything about the character that people like that was done by others? You show me a Rob Liefeld character that people like, and I'll show you the other creators who are responsible for you liking him. The point is, companies, stop giving him work! Consumers, stop buying things with his name on it! And my fans, stop telling me about movies that are supposedly being made with his characters! Ooh, a Godyssey movie! I'm sure I'll see that NEVER, because not a single movie that Rob Liefeld's characters have been developed for has actually ever been made! And don't bring up "Not Deadpool" in the Wolverine movie! I should not have to explain that again - Deadpool's not really his character, that wasn't really Deadpool, and he wasn't the main character of the damn movie!