Away We Go

Verona De Tessant:
You told her I have a tilted uterus?

Burt Farlander:
I don't know. Maybe it was my mom. Is your tilted uterus a secret?

Verona De Tessant:
Yes, my tilted uterus is a f***ing secret.

Burt Farlander:
Oh, really, you f***ing b*tch? Your tilted uterus is a motherf***ing secret? Well, f*** you!

LN:
[to Roderick] They bought us a stroller.

Burt Farlander:
What's wrong with a stroller?

LN:
I LOVE my babies. Why would I want to PUSH them away from me?

Burt Farlander:
Did you think that was fun? Because trust me you won't have that much fun until you discover oral pleasure.

Beckett:
Babies like to breathe, and they're good at hiding it. I put a pillow over a baby. I thought she wasn't breathing, but she was. She was sneaky, but I'll try again.

Verona De Tessant:
Hey, so the movie ends when the Von Trapps go to sleep?

Tom Garnett:
Yeah, we sort of skip it.

Verona De Tessant:
You skip the Nazis?

Tom Garnett:
We kind of figured 'What's the point?' you know?

Tom Garnett:
It's all those good things you have in you. The love, the wisdom, the generosity, the selflessness, the patience. The patience! At 3 A.M. when everyone's awake because Ibrahim is sick and he can't find the bathroom and he's just puked all over Katki's bed. When you blink, when you blink! And it's 5:30 and it's time to get up again and you know you're going to be tired all day, all week, all your f***ing life. And you're thinking what happened to Greece? What happened to swimming naked off the coast of Greece? And you have to be willing to make the family out of whatever you have.

Tom Garnett:
She had another miscarriage.

Burt Farlander:
What? When?

Tom Garnett:
Thursday.

Burt Farlander:
This Thursday?

Tom Garnett:
Yeah. This is her fifth. I know she loves all those kids like, like they were her own blood. But, I wonder if we've been selfish. People like us we wait till our thirties and then we're surprised when the babies aren't so easy to make anymore and then every day another million fourteen year olds get pregnant without trying. It's a terrible feeling, this helpless, man. You just watch these babies grow and then fade. You don't know if you're supposed to name them, or bury them, or... I'm sorry.

Verona De Tessant:
Burt, are we f***-ups?

Burt Farlander:
No! What do you mean?

Verona De Tessant:
I mean, we're 34...

Burt Farlander:
I'm 33.

Verona De Tessant:
...and we don't even have this basic stuff figured out.

Burt Farlander:
Basic, like how?

Verona De Tessant:
Basic, like how to live.

Burt Farlander:
We're not f***-ups.

Verona De Tessant:
We have a cardboard window.

Burt Farlander:
[Looks at window] We're not f***-ups.

Verona De Tessant:
[Whispers] I think we might be f***-ups.

Burt Farlander:
[Whispers back] We're not f***-ups.

Burt Farlander:
Do you promise to let our daughter be fat or skinny or any weight at all? Because we want her to be happy, no matter what. Being obsessed with weight is just too clich? for our daughter.

Verona De Tessant:
Yes, I do. Do you promise, when she talks, you'll listen? Like, really listen, especially when she's scared? And that her fights will be your fights?

Burt Farlander:
I do. And do you promise that if I die some embarrassing and boring death that you're gonna tell our daughter that her father was killed by Russian soldiers in this intense hand-to-hand combat in an attempt to save the lives of 850 Chechnyan orphans?

Verona De Tessant:
I do. Chechnyan orphans. I do. I do.

Gloria:
Verona, do you think she's gonna look like you?

Verona De Tessant:
Well, I hope so. I think I'm the mom.

Gloria:
I just want a little Verona. After two boys, I want a little Verona in a leotard. Can you do that for me?

Verona De Tessant:
I'll definitely work on it.

Gloria:
Okay, and just how black do you think she'll be?

Burt Farlander:
Mom...

Verona De Tessant:
Wow, I don't know. Maybe we can leave her out in the sun for a couple of days, expedite things?

Verona De Tessant:
I mean, we moved here for them. And now, they're gonna miss the baby's first two years. It just really takes selfishness to a whole new level.

Burt Farlander:
It's not like your parents are doing anything.

Verona De Tessant:
My parents are dead, Burt.

Burt Farlander:
Still.

Lily:
You guys do what you need to do. Your baby won't care. Kids are resilient. And they're genetically predetermined anyway. They're screwed up out of the womb. So what? They'll have cell phones, they'll be fine. Okay?

Lily:
Burt, you worked with a lesbian, didn't you?

Burt Farlander:
Oh! Yes. Yes, I did.

Lily:
I can't hear you!

Burt Farlander:
I just don't think we should be talking about it right in front of the children.

Lily:
Oh, please. Burt, It's just white noise to them. Listen, watch this. Taylor? Taylor? Taylor? Taylor? Taylor? Taylor? Taylor? [no answer from his son, seated nearby] I can keep going on and on. They don't hear us. Seriously. So tell me about the dyke.

Roderick:
Alice Walker said, "There's nothing more important than how we enter this world." And I agree with her. My mom had a hospital birth. The stirrups, the machines, the drugs. And she wonders why I can't walk into a dry cleaner's without vomiting.

Burt Farlander:
Okay, can that maybe be the last bit of parental advice we get tonight?

LN:
Roderick, Roderick, it's so easy to forget how great the economic divide is these days. These guys have nothing. How should we expect them to know anything about anything?

Grace:
So, you want to get a drink here or go out? Do you need to eat?

Burt Farlander:
Oh, we don't want to go out there. Not right now. No, it's like an oven.

Grace:
Yeah, it's pretty hot.

Burt Farlander:
No, no, I mean literally, like an oven. Like if you were in an oven, that's what it would be like. It's almost like God's trying to melt us all down and make something better.

Grace:
Wow, Burt, that's so stoney.

Burt Farlander:
Well, it's just the Bible.

Courtney:
Listen, Burt, I really need your help. I mean, if she's really gone for good, I gotta know what to tell Belle. And it's wrong to say that her mom was murdered, right?

Burt Farlander:
Yes. I think that would be traumatic.

Courtney:
Yeah, but there's finality there.

Burt Farlander:
What if something happens to one of us and just makes us go crazy? I mean, what if I'm walking by a construction site and something falls, and them my frontal lobe gets chopped off and my personality's altered and then I'm not a good dad? What happens then?

Verona De Tessant:
Well, be careful walking near construction sites.

Burt Farlander:
Why the seahorses, Rod?

LN:
In the seahorse community, the males gives birth.

Roderick:
The female inserts her ovipositor into the male's brood pouch. That's where she deposits her eggs.

LN:
If I could, I would lay my eggs in your brood pouch.

Roderick:
I know you would.

Verona De Tessant:
Do you promise to stop talking about your ability to find or not find my vagina after I give birth?

Burt Farlander:
I do.

LN:
The pain is so enlightening. And now, having experienced childbirth, I watch CNN and I really feel like I understand war. On top of which, when I had Wolfie, I had the most enormous orgasm.

Verona De Tessant:
Look at him. I'm about to have a baby that might have three hands or a shovel for a head, and the thing he's most concerned about is whether or not I'm gonna keep my b*obs.