B.J. and the Bear

Holly Tremaine:
What do you do for a living?

Paul Desmond:
I deal with the dead.

Holly Tremaine:
Oh. Of course, well, that's nice, uh, that you do that. I mean, where would we be if there were no morticians? All those bodies just piling up all over the place. I mean, somebody has to bury people when they die; otherwise where would all us livers be? Well, you know what I mean.

Paul Desmond:
Has it ever occurred to you that the dead outnumber the living by a million to one? And if they ever rose up against the living...

Holly Tremaine:
Uh, no, no, that, that can't happen. I really haven't given it much thought, Mr. Desmond.

Holly Tremaine:
[Writing in a notebook, "DRACULA LIVES"] Y'know, this story is gonna make Watergate seem like a dimestore heist.

Hatsie Tipton:
[to Fred after blowing up Brill's safe] Do you think you used enough dynamite, Butch?

Barbara Sue:
Is that true?

B.J. McKay:
What true?

Barbara Sue:
That you haul anything anywhere for a dollar-fifty a mile, no questions asked?

B.J. McKay:
Yeah, as long as it's not illegal.

Barbara Sue:
[Looking at the chimp] Who's that?

B.J. McKay:
That's Bear. Named him after the greatest coach in the history of football.

BJ McKay:
Hey Bear, I don't care what they say about you man, I just still think you're the best companion a guy could have on the road... Almost.

Alison Spencer:
[Crying to BJ after her car burst into flames after an accident] Oh, and all my kids' Christmas gifts were in the back.

BJ McKay:
Yeah, that could have been you in the back.

Alison Spencer:
I didn't see you. I almost cause you to crash and then you go and save my life.

BJ McKay:
Hey, forget about it huh? I'll get you to the hospital, get you fixed up and okay.

Alison Spencer:
No, no

BJ McKay:
What do you mean no?

Alison Spencer:
Oh well, I just can't stand hospitals. They make my unborn child very nervous.

Alison Spencer:
What's your name?"

BJ McKay:
BJ... McKay

Alison Spencer:
I'm Allie Spencer. [Pats her stomach] And this is Harry Spencer.

BJ McKay:
Oh you know it's a boy already huh?

Alison Spencer:
Well, it could be Harriet I guess. I don't know. I think it kicks like a boy. Ugh. Right on cue.

Alison Spencer:
You know where we're going?

BJ McKay:
Oh yeah, I know where we're going. We're going to Rivertown. Federal building on the corner of 14th and South. The question is how do we get there? That's what I'm worried about.

Alison Spencer:
Some Christmas present I've given you BJ.

BJ McKay:
Hey don't worry about it. It's ok.

BJ McKay:
Hey, you alright?

Alison Spencer:
Hungry. I'm in desperate need of a peanut butter and ice cream sandwich.

BJ McKay:
When was the last time you ate?

Alison Spencer:
Sometime yesterday I think. Oh, It's not for me, I just don't wanna starve the kid you know? I'd like him to be born before he becomes underprivileged.

BJ McKay:
Yeah.

Alison Spencer:
Where are you going?

BJ McKay:
I'm gonna get us something to eat. I'm getting tired anyway. Why don't we stop.

Alison Spencer:
Yeah, but is it safe to stop?

BJ McKay:
Yeah, just as safe as it is to keep goin'. Plus I know a good place to stop.

BJ McKay:
Hey, where would you hide a tree?

Alison Spencer:
I don't know where?

BJ McKay:
In a forest. Where would you hide a semi?

Alison Spencer:
In a forest?

BJ McKay:
[Shaking head and chuckling] "No, no."

Waitress:
So what's it gonna be?

BJ McKay:
Uh, we're gonna take two steaks, uh lots of potatoes, peanut butter sandwich, and a scoop of ice cream for the lady. You got it?

Waitress:
[Waitress starts to walk away] Yeah I got it.

BJ McKay:
Yeah? Good memory.

Alison Spencer:
You took me seriously.

BJ McKay:
Seems like the only way to take you.

Alison Spencer:
Do you always put yourself on the line like this for strangers you pick up on the road?

BJ McKay:
Nope, only when my instincts tell me to.

BJ McKay:
Hey, uh this evidence you were telling me about, you got it with ya?

Alison Spencer:
Mmhmm, it's in my purse.

BJ McKay:
Bein' that we're both in this together, both puttin' our lives out on the line, why don't you let me see it?

Alison Spencer:
[Handing over a small diary] Ok.

BJ McKay:
It looks like your husband's been diggin pretty deep into McCandles' affairs huh?

Alison Spencer:
Yes, you could say it's sort of become an obsession with him. I think I've probably seen him about half a dozen times in the last 6 months.

BJ McKay:
[Stuffing diary into his pocket] I'm gonna hold onto this. I mean bein' that we're both partners now.

Alison Spencer:
And that makes you more of a target than me.

BJ McKay:
Oh, I'm gonna give it back to you when we get to Rivertown. 6 months huh? That's a long time to be alone. I mean who's helping you out, I mean being that you're pregnant and all.

Alison Spencer:
I help myself BJ, just like I've done all my life... Until the night that I needed BJ McKay.

Alison Spencer:
What are you looking at?"

BJ McKay:
I'm just lookin' at your eyes that's all.

Alison Spencer:
Oh, they're all sunken and tired.

BJ McKay:
No, no, No, No, They're beautiful. It's amazing what you can tell from somebody's eyes uh? It's like they, like little mirrors, show everything. Everything you're feeling and everything you're thinkin'.

Alison Spencer:
You know what I see in your eyes?

BJ McKay:
No, what?

Alison Spencer:
A lot of compassion.

BJ McKay:
That's 'cause I don't like to see people getting hurt, ya know, I like to see people happy.

BJ McKay:
[Looking at Ali after she has a pain] You alright now? [pause] Hey, it's not the baby is it?

Alison Spencer:
It can't be. It doesn't feel like it is. I'm not sure.

BJ McKay:
Oh boy.

BJ McKay:
[Seeing a roadblock] Oh great.

Alison Spencer:
Now what do we do?

BJ McKay:
I don't know. I don't wanna run this roadblock, but when it comes to Sheriff Nathan McCandles I think I'll take my chances.

Alison Spencer:
BJ!

BJ McKay:
[after running the roadblock, laughing] Not bad eh?

Captain John Sebastian Cain:
[Dressed in Santa suit] I should be out on patrol.

Officer Cain:
It's Christmas.

Captain John Sebastian Cain:
Crime doesn't take a holiday.

Captain John Sebastian Cain:
How did you get mixed up in this?

BJ McKay:
Come on.

Captain John Sebastian Cain:
Alright, forget it.

Captain John Sebastian Cain:
You're in Bishop County, Mrs. Spencer. My county. You're safe.

Alison Spencer:
Thank you Captain Cain. My aching legs and my aching eyes thank you. And my baby thanks you. In fact, he may be doing it in person.

BJ McKay:
Hey listen Cain, listen, nobody is questioning your courage. Ok? I mean that. This guy's a psychopath, he doesn't care what jurisdiction he's in. Now you go outside he might open fire on you. Then what are you gonna do?

Captain John Sebastian Cain:
I appreciate your concern McKay, but those are police out there.

BJ McKay:
Well we're almost there. Beecher Crossroads yeah. Cane's gonna have his troops to us. Yeah we're on our way now kid.

Alison Spencer:
It's too late, BJ.

BJ McKay:
What? [pause] How long's it been since each pain?

Alison Spencer:
They were 20 minutes apart maybe... maybe 10 minutes now.

BJ McKay:
Great. I don't even know where there's a hospital around here.

Alison Spencer:
[Starting to cry and breathe shallowly] No hospital. There's no time. Harry's just not gonna wait. Please pull over BJ. Please stop.

BJ McKay:
Yeah, ok. Let me get a good spot.

Alison Spencer:
I'm scared.

BJ McKay:
Hey don't you be scared. Everything's gonna be ok. Ok Bear, come here. [Switches spots with Bear to help Ali take off her coat and into the back of the cab]

Alison Spencer:
BJ I'm so scared.

BJ McKay:
It's gonna be ok. Everything's gonna be ok. Here now let me take your coat. Relax, come on. Open up, come on, just let it drop. Come on. Come on. Lay back. Easy, Easy, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this together you and me.

Alison Spencer:
[Crying] BJ...

BJ McKay:
[Handing the baby to Ali] Here you go, Mommy. It's Harriet. I told ya you couldn't be sure.

Alison Spencer:
She's still gonna grow up to be a football player

BJ McKay:
Yeah. [Hearing sirens] Be right back.

Cop:
McKay, we're taking you to Rivertown, compliments of Captain Cain.

BJ McKay:
Alright. Hey the lady just had a baby in my cab.

Cop:
What?

BJ McKay:
Yeah she had her baby right in my cab there. Hey listen I want you to take her to Rivertown Hospital ok?

Cop:
Alright.

Bullets:
[to B.J] So you finally got that load of turkeys to market, huh?

Randy:
B.J.'s one turkey that always comes through.

BJ McKay:
[Toni runs up and kisses B.J., who is delighted but confused] You're uh...

Toni:
Toni! Toni Belson. Don't you remember? I'm one of the girls who rented your truck in Orly County. You helped us get away from that crooked Sheriff Lobo.

BJ McKay:
Oh, yeah. How could I forget?

Mushroom:
[after B.J. has dramatically exposed the crooked gambling operation] It worked fantastic, right out of a Humphrey Bogart movie.

BJ McKay:
Yeah. Now comes the Claude Rains part: "Hey, Rick, I'm closing you down one table at a time."