Baby Mama

Rob:
Do you want to come back to my...

Kate Holbrook:
Yes. Absolutely!

Rob:
Wow. Okay! Just to be clear, I was going to say my place...

Kate Holbrook:
Uh-huh. I'm 37. I know how this works.

Barry:
Congratulations, Kate. I want to reward you with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Angie Ostrowiski:
[as she enters the hospital, about to go into labor] It feels like I'm shitting a knife!

Kate Holbrook:
I overreacted earlier. I'm sorry... [Kate exits]

Angie Ostrowiski:
I'm sorry I farted into your purse...

Kate Holbrook:
[giggling] My avatar's dressed like a whore!

Angie Ostrowiski:
Can I just spray a little PAM down there right before the baby comes out?

Angie Ostrowiski:
You people and your space age cars.

Oscar:
If you listen to DMX, the baby comes out goin 'Ennngghhh!

Chaffee Bicknell:
Our surrogacy fee is $100,000.

Kate Holbrook:
It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed!

Chaffee Bicknell:
It takes longer.

Carl:
My first thought about Angie carrying someone else's baby? I thought... My wife is gonna have sex with somebody else's husband to do this?...

Angie Ostrowiski:
- Out of the question...

Carl:
- that's gonna cost extr - out of the question, right. Out of the question.

Boo-Boo Buster:
Well, you sure are getting an early jump on your baby-proofing! Don't worry about a thing; it shouldn't be a problem for anyone over 7.

Angie Ostrowiski:
[Kate is vogueing on the dance floor] Stop framing your face!

Kate Holbrook:
I think it's good!

Angie Ostrowiski:
It's not.

Angie Ostrowiski:
Is that what you're wearing?

Kate Holbrook:
We *are* going to a nightclub.

Carl:
[angrily breaking up with Angie] I'm going to bang all your friends. Consider them banged!

Kate Holbrook:
Your water broke! [Angie looks at her cup, confused]

Kate Holbrook:
No, your water! Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital!

Angie Ostrowiski:
[looking back at the sidewalk] Should we clean that up?

Kate Holbrook:
I think she wants me to rub olive oil on your taint.

Chaffee Bicknell:
Yes, I'm expecting again.

Angie Ostrowiski:
[to Kate] Expecting what? A Social Security check?

Kate Holbrook:
I know; it's gross!

Kate Holbrook:
[upon learning that she's pregnant] But that's impossible! The doctors said I had a one-in-a-million chance.

Dr. Manheim:
Well, I'd start buying lottery tickets more often, if I were you.

Angie Ostrowiski:
Your stupid space car locked me in!

Caroline:
[holding her son's dirty hand] Is this chocolate or poop? Is this chocolate or poop?

Caroline:
[licks son's hand and smiles] It's chocolate!

Kate Holbrook:
What if that had been poop?

Angie Ostrowiski:
You went out with him?

Kate Holbrook:
I did.

Angie Ostrowiski:
Why?

Kate Holbrook:
Oh, he's beautiful.

Angie Ostrowiski:
Where?

Kate Holbrook:
Did you just stick your gum under my coffee table?

Angie Ostrowiski:
[nervous] I don't know.

Kate Holbrook:
What do you mean, you don't know? You think you're at an Arby's right now?

Angie Ostrowiski:
You know what? I wish I was at an Arby's 'cause there's better food and cooler people there!

Kate Holbrook:
[looks under the coffee table] Did you stick *all* this gum under here?

Angie Ostrowiski:
I don't know! Maybe you stuck some of it under there.

Kate Holbrook:
Yeah, actually, you might be right. 'Cause sometimes, when I work a really long day, I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table!

Angie Ostrowiski:
B*tch, I don't know your life!

Kate Holbrook:
I'm sorry, I'm a little overly thorough. Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling.

Rob:
No, that's just prejudice. They call you bossy and controlling because you're a woman. But if you were a man doing the same stuff... you'd just be a dick.

Oscar:
[listening to his iPod on the front steps of Kate's apartment] Here come, yo baby mama! Riding, a Suzuki.

Kate Holbrook:
So... How long have you two been together?

Angie Ostrowiski:
We met the summer after I discontinued high school, and we've been together ever since.

Angie Ostrowiski:
He never officially asked me to be his wife but he never asked me to not be his wife either, so things are going pretty good.

Angie Ostrowiski:
I want a common law divorce.

Carl:
I want you back. I haven't had sex in 2 weeks.

Angie Ostrowiski:
I've been gone for a month.

Angie Ostrowiski:
[about Kate's ex-boyfriend's car] You know what we should do?

Kate Holbrook:
What?

[Angie throws a trash can on Kate's ex-boyfriend's car]

Kate Holbrook:
I was gonna say leave a funny note!

Kate Holbrook:
I hope you don't mind; I bought you some organic food. I thought you might want to start eating healthier food.

Angie Ostrowiski:
Eh. That crap is for rich people who hate themselves.

Kate Holbrook:
I'm thirty-seven and I want a baby.

Kate Holbrook:
[about being a surrogate] Have you done this before?

Angie Ostrowiski:
No, but I know I'm good at getting pregnant.

Angie Ostrowiski:
[to Kate] There's something wrong with your toilet.

Kate Holbrook:
[about Angie] She's crazy. It's like living with a child.

Scott:
Oh, it's great! We just bought a house in Bucks county. I'm still doing stuff for Doctors Without Borders. Recently we took in some hurricane Katrina dogs. Oh, and I was in a bicycle accident that made my penis bigger.

Kate Holbrook:
Your eggs are like, from the 40's.

Fertility Specialist:
Well... I just don't like your uterus.

Fertility Specialist:
Don't get me wrong, your eggs are in great shape, but you have a T-shaped uterus. That combined with your advanced maternal age, it's preventing proper implantation.

Kate Holbrook:
Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?

Fertility Specialist:
Well, probably has something to do with medication that was given to your mother when she was pregnant with you. We used lot of drugs back in the '70s which we now know can cause infertility.

Kate Holbrook:
Infertility?

Fertility Specialist:
Yeah. I would say that your chances of conceiving are very low.

Kate Holbrook:
How low?

Fertility Specialist:
Well, I don't want to assign a number to it.

Kate Holbrook:
What would you assign it? A color, a nickname, a locker?

Fertility Specialist:
Okay. One in, in a million. I just don't like...

Kate Holbrook:
Don't say that again.

Judge:
[to Angie while she's yelling and standing to prove a point] Excuse me Miss, but would you *please* sit down!

Angie Ostrowiski:
No! Freedom of speech, it's in the thing!

Oscar:
So you got you a baby mama! You know I got two baby mamas myself.

Kate Holbrook:
Yes, but you had relationships with those women.

Oscar:
I didn't have relationships with those women. I had 'relations' with those women.

Kate Holbrook:
Well, this is different. I'm paying her to have my baby.

Oscar:
She's havin' a baby, you're payin' the bills. That's a baby mama. Ask any black man in Philadelphia.

Birthing Teacher:
Welcome to the birthing center. In this birthing class we are going to help you new mommies and daddies, and our mommies and mommies, lesbian lovers...

Kate Holbrook, Angie Ostrowiski:
No.

Birthing Teacher:
prepare for that marathon of labor. Quick question before we start, how many of you are planning on doing natural child birth? [everyone raises hand except Angie and Kate] That's a good show of hands! That's so great, you're all so brave! And how many of you are planning on using toxic western medications to drug your baby for your own selfish comfort, anyone?

Angie Ostrowiski:
[raises hands] OOH OOOOOH!